Texas Governor Greg Abbott, who is working hard to be even worse than Rick Perry, has decided the coronavirus pandemic is over and life can return to normal for Texans, or at least for those who didn’t die from the virus or freeze to death from last month’s abnormal cold snap.
The governor has reopened the state entirely without any limitations. This means you can sit at a bar inches next to a stranger. You can get a tattoo of Troy Aikman’s face above your butt crack. You can lick a stranger’s face while on a bus in Houston. You can now cough into the faces of your fellow gun enthusiasts while at the ammo store. You can dine inside a barbeque restaurant and eat barbeque that’s not as good as Memphis barbeque but still better than that North Carolina vinegar-based shit. You can hug your right-wing buddies at the border while looking at the spot where Donald Trump’s wall was never built that Mexico didn’t pay for. You can go to a strip club and have your eye poked out while receiving a lap dance from a girl named “Candy” who has a Russian accent. You can go to Amarillo and ask, “Why the fuck does anyone go to Amarillo?”. You can sit next to an ugly stranger on an international flight to Cancun and listen to him blame the trip on his daughters. Yes, life is returning to normal in Texas which means they’ll soon resume executing people with mental retardation on death row. Texas is a very special place. Sometimes, people in Florida look at Texas and say, “Damn.”
Everyone can sympathize that businesses want to get back to business. Everyone wants to go back to work, even those making just $7.25 an hour which is the minimum wage in Texas (even Florida raised theirs to $8.56). So the governor hastily has reopened the state…but at least that face mask mandate is still in effect. Do what now? He rescinded that too?
Greg Abbott has lifted the mask mandate which is an appeal to everyone who has politicized the virus or doesn’t believe it actually exists. This is also a good way to get people to stop talking about the freeze in the state last month where at least four million people lost power and many lost their lives. The state is still trying to count the deaths with some saying it was around 40 statewide while other officials say there were 86 deaths in Austin alone.
Now, we’re finding out that the governor, who is NOT a doctor or a scientist didn’t speak to any doctors or scientists when making his decision about reopening the state and removing the mask mandate. The governor has a team of four medical advisors and when told what the governor had done, each of them said, “He did what now? Holy fuckballs, I’m moving to Florida!”
I lied. He did talk to one out of the four and that one said it was probably a bad idea. Probably? President Joe Biden accused Abbott of “Neanderthal thinking.” And with all known variants of the coronavirus floating around Houston, the fourth largest city in the nation, removing face masks now is a Neanderthal move.
Texans seems to like putting idiots into power. Greg Abbott accused President Obama of “invading” Texas. During the power outage, he blamed the Green New Deal, which doesn’t exist. Then, he blamed the outage on wind turbines freezing. Wind turbines did freeze, but do you really believe the bulk of Texas’s power comes from green energy? What else do you believe, the Cowboys will win the Super Bowl next year? Wind turbines only account for about 13% of Texas energy and they don’t freeze in Greenland so, try again, Abbott. And then, everyone who didn’t lose power got $9,000 electric bills and said, “Holy fuckballs, I’m moving to Florida.”
Funny thing about all those electric bills: Republicans are all like, “Hey, federal government. Help those people with their bills” because the power companies have to get paid. There’s no talk of the power companies helping anyone.
Texas lost power because its power grid was deregulated. They didn’t want the federal government telling them how to do their power, so a few decades ago, they removed most of their power grids from being connected to other states. Defenders say we need to give this deregulated system of power grids time to stabilize, ignoring that it’s been about three decades already. Then, this state that talks about seceding and that they don’t need no federal control goes crying to the federal government for help anytime the wind whips up a little. Look at Ted Cruz for example. This guy votes against funding when blue states get hit by hurricanes yet begs for federal money every year when a hurricane hits Texas.
This is the state that deregulates everything, tells the nation’s businesses to come to Texas, especially if they’re from California, then has to investigate why a manure plant exploded and killed 15 people.
Yes, Texas? Why are your power grids freezing and your shit factories exploding? Since he’s full of shit, how come Ted Cruz never explodes?
If Texas was its own country, it would be a third-world nation. It would be controlled by climate-change-denying idiots…and Cowboy fans.
I want life to return to normal just as much as anyone else. We liberals do not want businesses to die. We don’t want the economy ruined. We want kids back in school just as bad as everyone else wants it. There are no parents with kids at home saying, “Boy, I hope schools never reopen. This has been so much fun having these kids in my face every single minute where I can’t even shut the bathroom door for three seconds without someone banging on it screaming, MOM!!!!” and…”
And just because conservatives base every decision on “making liberals cry,” that doesn’t mean we’re for face mask mandates because it makes you cry. We don’t need to make you cry. From Mr. Potato Head, to Muppets, to Dr. Seuss, to the WAP song, you cry about everything. We want people to stop dying, even the crying Neanderthals who couldn’t make a P get W A if their lives depended on it.
The best way to reopen everything is if we get rid of this virus. That means everyone should be vaccinated, stay six feet apart from each other, and keep your fucking face mask on your fucking face, fucker.
Of course, another good way to get rid of this virus is if we get rid of Republicans.
If you are in Texas, ignore your government. They’re stupid. Keep your mask on. Continue to practice social distancing. Listen to President Joe Biden. Listen to Dr. Another Fauci. Listen to Dolly Parton. DON’T listen to Ted Cruz. Stop rooting for the Cowboys.
And if you’re in Texas, watch where you step because there’s a lot of Republican bullshit.
Creative note: This cartoon began as they all do, in my head. And while it was in my head, all the speech balloons were coming from Greg Abbott. But then I had the fear people would think the “watch where you step” line was a cheap crack at him for being in a wheelchair. I’m not above delivering a cheap shot when I feel it fits, but not over something like that. So this morning, the cow pie concept came to me and I decided to go that route even though I normally HATE drawing feces and urine. Ew. A lot of cartoonists do it but I’m just not a fan of it. This is another example of me breaking my own rules.
Other note: I know you’re googling the WAP song.
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