Author: clayjonz

I draw political cartoons which are published in newspapers across the country. I also play guitar.

Canadian Brownface


cjones09252019

Maybe Justin Trudeau, Canada’s liberal prime minister, should have said it was the light bulbs that made his face look brown. But, like our president, it’s not the lighting to blame for their appearance. It’s the goop they put on their faces.

A yearbook photo has emerged of Trudeau, a self-described feminist, and pro-immigrant liberal from Montreal, wearing blackface at an “Arabian Nights” themed costume party in 2001. Trudeau was 29 at the time and a teacher at the private school where the event was held. Time Magazine was the first to publish the photo which was taken from a school yearbook.

A school yearbook is also where photos emerged in Virginia of someone wearing blackface (I guess it’s “brownface” in Canada) standing next to someone in a Ku Klux Klan robe. It was reported that the man in blackface was Virginia’s governor, Ralph Northam who apologized for the photo, then a day later claimed it wasn’t him. Though, Northam did confess to wearing blackface at a moonwalk competition when he was 25.

Trudeau didn’t squirm out an explanation from the Northam playbook, which hopefully doesn’t contain any embarrassing photos from the past. Instead, Trudeau owned it. While campaigning for reelection, he said, “This is something I shouldn’t have done many years ago. It was something that I didn’t think was racist at the time, but now I recognize it was something racist to do, and I am deeply sorry.”

Do you know what I was doing when I was 29? I was not putting shoe polish on my face and impersonating other races. Though, when I was a teenager, I once put white makeup on my face while wearing a baseball uniform so friends and I could impersonate the Baseball Furies on Halloween. I actually wish there were photos from that. And if you don’t know what the Baseball Furies is from, then you’re just not cool. But, I digress.

What the hell is up with these white politicians putting shoe polish on their face? And, what’s up with all these school yearbooks publishing the photos? Trudeau also admitted, probably because there’s a photo out there, that he also wore blackface/brownface once in high school (I swear I’m not making this up) while performing “Day-O,” the Jamaican folk song (if I had to sing Day-O, I’d probably wear a bag over my face). I have to know if there’s a recording of this because I’ve never seen a future prime minister sing “Come, mister tally man, tally me banana.” Could it possibly be worse than Trump doing the chicken song (not really racist, but really bad) or being hit on by Rudy Giuliani in drag?

I don’t care how much he’s championed rights for racial minorities in Canada or how many Syrian refugees he’s allowed into the nation. If there’s a recording of his Day-O performance, he’s screwed. But, at least he did apologize and own it.

Here in the United States, our president (sic) doesn’t know how to apologize. He believes it’s weak. He’d rather spend a week drawing on weather reports with a sharpie and directing the National Weather Service to lie about hurricanes than say “oops.”

It’s understandable that people become more aware and sensitive when they grow older, but hopefully before they hit their 30s. Everyone was a stupid kid. And to a point, everyone was or will be a stupid 29-year-old. But, even in 2001 (which doesn’t seem that long ago when you’re 53), you’d think someone at 29 or 25 would realize just how racist it is to impersonate another race and wear shoe polish on your face. My son once dressed as Aladdin for Halloween, when he was seven. Even then, he didn’t put shoe polish on his face.

People who are a different race than you are people, not costumes. Stop dehumanizing them. My seven-year-old understood that. So, why can’t a 25 or 29-year-old? I don’t get it.

We’ll have to wait and see if Canadians forgive Trudeau for playing Arabian and Jamaican. It seems nobody here cares about Trump playing psychotic Oompa Loompa.

Support the cartoonist.

As I noted in a previous cartoon, these are perilous times for political cartoonists. But you can help me continue to create cartoons, blogs, and videos by making a contribution. All support, large and small, is greatly appreciated. You can also support me by purchasing a signed print (8 1/2×11) for $40, or a signed poster (18×24) for $100 by clicking the PayPal button (just include a note if you’re purchasing a print). If you want to support but don’t want to use PayPal, you can send a contribution through the mail (address is on the contact page. Again, include a note for a print).I don’t plan on going anywhere and your support will help guarantee that. Whether you support, can’t. or just choose not to, please know that I am truly thankful that you visit my site and read my work.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

Watch me draw.

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Corey’s Fairy Tales


cjones09242019

Former Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski told the House Judiciary Committee yesterday that he has “no obligation to be honest with the media.” So, this morning when he was interviewed by Alisyn Camerota, there are no legal consequences to his lying and evading simple questions, like, “Have you talked to the president (sic) since your hearing yesterday?” or questions on considerations about hush-money payments to women Trump slept with. Corey Lewandowsky does have the legal right to lie to the media, to his children, to his wife, and to the American people. It’s a right Donald Trump exercises every day. As for there being an obligation to be truthful, that’s another matter.

Lewandowski is a private citizen. He does not work for the White House or for Donald Trump (if you’re a Republican, those are two different things). When Donald Trump asks Lewandowski to commit a crime, there is no executive privilege for him to cite in a Congressional hearing. Congress is not the media. Lewandowski has an obligation, a legal one at that, to not only tell the truth but to answer questions.

The White House asked/told Lewandowski not to reveal any conversations he’s had with Donald Trump. Since Lewandowski doesn’t work for the White House, he doesn’t have executive privilege. Citing a privilege that’s not his and not answering a simple question, like did Trump tell you to tell then-Attorney General Jeff Sessions to limit the scope of the Mueller Report, Lewandowski is defying a subpoena and breaking the law.

It’s not important that Lewandowsky took his kids on vacation, which was his excuse for not delivering Trump’s message to Sessions. It’s not important that there are also “a lot of guns” in the safe where he keeps his notes, which he voluntarily divulged when asked about the whereabouts of his notes. It’s not important if a Congressman revealed to his children, who Lewandowski claimed were watching, that there’s no tooth fairy. Though it may be important that Lewandowski is teaching his children they have no obligation to tell the truth. What’s important is that Donald Trump attempted to obstruct justice and Corey Lewandowski stonewalled the answers. Fortunately, Lewandowski isn’t smart enough to do it all day and he finally slipped and confirmed that Trump asked him to obstruct justice, an impeachable offense.

Donald Trump should be impeached and Lewandowski should be held in contempt. The White House doesn’t care if Lewandowski is held in contempt because it would drag out the process even further. Trump will sell his most loyal subjects down the river to buy time. It doesn’t matter to Republicans that the White House and their subordinates break the law because Democrats have to obey it.

Democratic committee attorney Barry Berke played several clips of interviews where Lewandowski lied to the media. This is when Lewandowski said he had “no obligation to have a candid conversation with the media.” Berke punched holes in Lewandowski’s executive privilege by pointing out that the admitted liar had published conversations with senior White House officials in his book Let Trump Be Trump. That’s the thing about Trump sycophants. Like Trump, they’re not smart enough to remain consistent with their lies.

During his CNN interview this morning, Lewandowski claimed the Mueller Report exonerated Trump on obstruction and collusion while also revealing, many times, that he hasn’t read it. Camerota pointed out that the Mueller Report does NOT exonerate Trump to which, Lewandowski responded by screaming about “fake news.”

Lewandowski refused to read the Mueller Report. He refused to read passages out loud during yesterday’s hearing. He refused to read his own statements. Maybe he can’t read.

The Democrats did not do a good job of managing the hearing yesterday, but Republicans shouldn’t celebrate a combative liar who succeeded in proving he truly is an asshole. Donald Trump praised him, despite learning there’s no tooth fairy.

It’s too bad Lewandowski’s kids learned the horrible truth that a fairy doesn’t invade their bedrooms while they’re sleeping to financially compensate them each time they lose a tooth. But that myth is harmless and at some point, kids grow up and stop believing in it. Unfortunately, grown adults still believe in the myth that’s Donald Trump. It worries me what other myths Lewandowski is teaching his children.

At one point during the hearing, Lewandowski said Democrats hate Trump more than they love America. From watching the hearing, his children learned their father loves the cult more than he loves America. And in case you’re a Republican, Donald Trump is not America.

Support the cartoonist.

As I noted in a previous cartoon, these are perilous times for political cartoonists. But you can help me continue to create cartoons, blogs, and videos by making a contribution. All support, large and small, is greatly appreciated. You can also support me by purchasing a signed print (8 1/2×11) for $40, or a signed poster (18×24) for $100 by clicking the PayPal button (just include a note if you’re purchasing a print). If you want to support but don’t want to use PayPal, you can send a contribution through the mail (address is on the contact page. Again, include a note for a print).I don’t plan on going anywhere and your support will help guarantee that. Whether you support, can’t. or just choose not to, please know that I am truly thankful that you visit my site and read my work.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

Watch me draw.

Sword Dance


cjones09232019

So let’s get this straight. Russia attacks us by meddling in our election and the American president (sic) refuses to even acknowledge it. Iran (supposedly) attacks Saudi Arabia and Donald Trump is threatening war, depending on what minute it is.

Trump pulled the U.S. out of the nuclear agreement with Iran despite their remaining in compliance with it, increased sanctions on that nation, and is surprised that the region has become more hostile. Iran has shot down a U.S. drone and over the weekend, drones hit two Saudi oil facilities. Iranian-backed Houthi rebels in Yemen (who Saudi Arabia has been fighting) have claimed responsibility for the attack, but Saudi and American intelligence say the drones came from either Iran or Iraq, and everyone is eager to blame Iran.

Trump’s messaging is confusing. After the U.S. drone was shot down, Trump said we were “cocked and loaded,” and then he didn’t do anything. After the attack on the oil facilities, he said we’re “locked and loaded,” removing the cock, which apparently, doesn’t scare anyone.

As a stupid candidate, one of the messages Trump ran on was staying out of foreign wars pledging “America first.” As a stupid president, he’s sending conflicting messages to the international community. He’s talked about sitting down with the leader of Iran with “no conditions,” then says it’s “fake news” that he’s willing to sit down with no conditions. For what it’s worth, Iran has no interest in meeting with Trump.

Trump has flirted with the idea of offering Iran $15 billion to help them deal with U.S. sanctions. Why would we give them billions while we’re sanctioning them? An hour after he said “we don’t want war with anybody,” he started floating the idea of a U.S. military strikes on an Iranian oil facility. So what is it? We’re going to bomb them while giving them billions while leveling sanctions and offering to meet with no conditions as long as everyone thinks there are conditions? It’s shit like this that makes John Bolton seem like a reasonable person.

Why should we attack Iran? Iran didn’t attack us. They attacked Saudi Arabia. What’s our stake other than oil production being taken offline and driving up prices? The stake is Trump’s ego. When other nations flatter Trump and throw him parades, it’s not out of respect. It’s manipulation because Trump is easily played.

Trump’s first trip as president was to Riyadh where the Saudis displayed his face on titan trons for the nation to see. They gave him a sword dance. They promised to buy $350 billion of U.S. weaponry (which was actually less than $30 billion, and most of those sales had already occurred during the Obama years). In exchange, Trump turned a blind eye to a palace coup by Jared’s new BFF, Mohammed bin Salman and the murder of a Washington Post journalist by the kingdom. Trump even took the Saudi’s side when they initiated a blockade of Qatar, an American ally where U.S. troops are stationed. On top of all that, MBS has escalated the war against the Houthis and created a humanitarian crisis with 10 million Yemenis on the verge of famine, all without dislodging the Houthis. But Trump got a sword dance.

Saudi Arabia and Israel want war with Iran, but for us to fight it. We did this dance twice before. In 1990, we initiated Operation Desert Storm after Iraq invaded Kuwait and threatened Saudi Arabia. Operation Desert Storm wasn’t about American ideals. We weren’t defending our country, or values, or our flag. We were defending two kingdoms that repress at least half their populations, and we were fighting for lower oil prices. In 2003, we invaded Iraq just because it felt good and we lost over 4,000 American lives and according to the Lancet Survey, over 654,000 civilian deaths.

Now, Trump says we’re “locked and loaded” and that “we are waiting to hear from the kingdom as to who they believe was the cause of the attack, and under what terms we would proceed!” We’re waiting on the Saudis for what terms we should proceed? What are we, mercenaries? Why are we taking orders from Saudi Arabia, because they rent hotel rooms from Trump? Are our young men and women in the military going to die because Trump got a sword dance, investments from the Saudis, and Jared’s BFFs with MBS? If we go to war with Iran, the Trump family doesn’t have any skin involved as none of them has ever served in the military. But, I’m sure they make great cheerleaders like most Republicans do when it comes to fighting.

Is Iran responsible for the attacks? Probably. Should they be punished? Yes, but not by us. Iran didn’t attack us. They attacked Saudi Arabia who spends billions of dollars on American weaponry. Let them use it if they want a fight with Iran.

Trump can’t give us, our allies, or even our enemies a straight, consistent message. Donald Trump hasn’t just made the world dumber, but also more dangerous. Now, we’re supposed to go to war because Donald Trump claims Iran is responsible for attacking not us when we can’t even trust him about the weather.

Support the cartoonist.

As I noted in a previous cartoon, these are perilous times for political cartoonists. But you can help me continue to create cartoons, blogs, and videos by making a contribution. All support, large and small, is greatly appreciated. You can also support me by purchasing a signed print (8 1/2×11) for $40, or a signed poster (18×24) for $100 by clicking the PayPal button (just include a note if you’re purchasing a print). If you want to support but don’t want to use PayPal, you can send a contribution through the mail (address is on the contact page. Again, include a note for a print).I don’t plan on going anywhere and your support will help guarantee that. Whether you support, can’t. or just choose not to, please know that I am truly thankful that you visit my site and read my work.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

Watch me draw.

Beto’s Gun Ban


CNN09152019

Here’s your cartoon for CNN’s weekly newsletter, Provoke/Persuade. Please sign up to get these in your inbox every Sunday for the rest of your life.

I admit it. The comments on my social media are mostly an echo chamber so I knew this one wouldn’t get that many shares. It’s gotten plenty of comments though.

A lot of people who do agree with Beto O’Rourke about going after assault rifles also believe he handed the GOP and Donald Trump a gift. But, there are also liberals who not only don’t have a problem with Beto saying this, but want it screamed from the rooftops. I think we can respectfully disagree. I mean, it’s not like we’re discussing Bernie.

One of my readers made a comment under this cartoon on my Facebook post. I liked it so much, I’m stealing it. Talking about how Republicans are more motivated to vote than Democrats, my friend Lex said, “90-year-old right-wing grannies will crawl to the polls. 110-year-old right-wing mummies will crawl out of their graves.”

I didn’t have to draw that many roughs for CNN this week. It was kinda like last week. Usually, we’re doing the ideas on Thursday but this week, we waited until Friday because of the debate. I was feeling some stress but this idea was approved by noon.

I felt I was only sending duds to my editors…and I was. So, I took a step back, which is hard to do when you’re feeling stressed to deliver and there’s a deadline. I took a shower and while there was soap in my hair and eyes, this hit me. You might, but I don’t normally think about Beto O’Rourke or guns when I’m wet and naked (Republicans think about guns and AOC).

I sketched out a rough while wearing a towel (the same thing happened with a song idea years ago, and I wrote the tune while wearing a towel). Within a couple minutes of receiving it, my editor approved it. He was probably fully clothed.

Support the cartoonist.

As I noted in a previous cartoon, these are perilous times for political cartoonists. But you can help me continue to create cartoons, blogs, and videos by making a contribution. All support, large and small, is greatly appreciated. You can also support me by purchasing a signed print (8 1/2×11) for $40, or a signed poster (18×24) for $100 by clicking the PayPal button (just include a note if you’re purchasing a print). If you want to support but don’t want to use PayPal, you can send a contribution through the mail (address is on the contact page. Again, include a note for a print).I don’t plan on going anywhere and your support will help guarantee that. Whether you support, can’t. or just choose not to, please know that I am truly thankful that you visit my site and read my work.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

Watch me draw.

Daddy’s Moral Compass


cjones09222019

Nobody’s perfect but each of us has at least one person we respect and look up to. For me, one of those people is my older brother, Jimmy.

Jimmy’s nine years older than me and was the only older male who was a constant figure in my life when I was a kid. He took me in when I was a teenager and gave me a home, even though he couldn’t afford it. Jimmy never told me how to act or treat people. He never stood on a soapbox and gave me lectures. But, he set examples that I followed, even if he didn’t know it. Every time my parents couldn’t be there for me or let me down, Jimmy was there, even if he was living in another state. The biggest thing I retain from him is the way he treated other people. He wasn’t a person who passed judgement on others, which of course, is something I do a lot. But, I still try to emulate my big brother, even if he’s a big dork with lots of bad jokes.

The people who set examples for me in my career are the ones who gave me my start. The Howell family, John, Rupert, and Rita instilled in me the ethics and morals of journalism, mostly by example.

I would never say I got my moral compass from my parents. They weren’t evil people by any means, I respect them for being my parents, and I know they loved me. But, as I grew older, I questioned their lack of honesty, loyalty, and integrity. I didn’t meet my father until I was 21, and I rarely even heard from him. All that was his choice which rules him out as a person for me to get morals from. I can be honest with myself when it comes to my mother and father. They gave me lots of examples of what not to do. But, I understand that most people get their morals from their parents.

When asked at a fundraiser in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, to name the personality traits she inherited from her parents, Ivanka Trump said that her mother gave her an example of how to be a powerful, successful woman (they both married rich douchebags). And her father?

Trust-fund Barbie said Donald Trump passed onto her his “moral compass.” I hope you weren’t taking a sip of anything when you read that.

Donald Trump, the guy who steals from charities to purchase oil paintings of himself, who cheated on all three of his wives, who asked Russia to help him win the presidential election, who paid hush money to porn stars and playmates so they wouldn’t tell anyone of their affairs, who cheated contractors out of payment, who kept illegal workers on the payroll while he screamed about illegal immigration, who’s made baseless accusations against opponents and critics, who tweets childish insults at anyone who questions him, who claims the media is lying when they tell the truth and that they’re the “enemy of the American people,” who uses his businesses to profit from the presidency, who borrows money he never pays back, who’s told over 12,000 lies since he became president, who has destroyed careers to protect himself, and is a Nazi-defending racist, is the person Ivanka has chosen to get her morals from.

Does Ivanka know what a moral compass is? Does she know what a compass is?

The entire Republican Party has shed all morals, ethics, and integrity to support Donald Trump. Granted, people like Mitch McConnell never had any to start with, but people like the pious Christian Mike Pence (who’s traded in his Christian beliefs to be chief sycophant to the pornstar president), to Lindsey Graham (who once called Trump a racist), to Paul Ryan (who also called Trump a racist) used to be people who used to carry at least a little dignity and respect for themselves. In pretending Donald Trump is something he’s not, these Republicans have sold their souls to worship in a cult…a very stupid, hateful cult.

Most Republicans who still have ethics are former Republicans.

Anyone who says they got their morals from Donald Trump does not understand morals. Ivanka and her two idiot brothers probably confuse morals with molars. Ivanka talks about morals while her husband is conducting secret chats with Saudi royals that benefits his family’s businesses and affects U.S. foreign policy. Ivanka has demonstrated her own morals by criticizing an accused pedophile then shutting up after her daddy endorsed him. She’s displayed her morals by claiming she’s in the White House to advance women issues while staying silent about sexual assault accusations against Brett Kavanaugh and her own father.

One thing the Trump family has proven is that billionaires can’t buy morals any more than they can buy Greenland.

It’s that “moral compass,” that’s landed the Barbie Princess in some corrupt neighborhoods. But, honestly…she likes those neighborhoods. She was born in it, raised in it, and married into it. She followed it all the way to Washington to participate in the family corruption and to look pretty in the windows of Buckingham Palace. Corruption is all Ivanka knows.

Ivanka needs to realize that she can’t inherit her father’s moral compass when he’s never had one.

Support the cartoonist.

As I noted in a previous cartoon, these are perilous times for political cartoonists. But you can help me continue to create cartoons, blogs, and videos by making a contribution. All support, large and small, is greatly appreciated. You can also support me by purchasing a signed print (8 1/2×11) for $40, or a signed poster (18×24) for $100 by clicking the PayPal button (just include a note if you’re purchasing a print). If you want to support but don’t want to use PayPal, you can send a contribution through the mail (address is on the contact page. Again, include a note for a print).I don’t plan on going anywhere and your support will help guarantee that. Whether you support, can’t. or just choose not to, please know that I am truly thankful that you visit my site and read my work.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

Watch me draw.

Roughing It, Volume Twelve


I didn’t have to draw a lot of roughs for CNN last week. I wrote the editor, asking what our lead subject was, and he replied, “Sharpie, Sharpie, Sharpie, Sharpie.” I was pretty happy with that.

CNNrough297

This was the first idea and I thought I hit it out of the park. Yeah, it’s riffing on a cliche, but I thought he had Sharpied himself into a corner. And…so did Mike Luckovich. A few hours later, he did a very similar cartoon. Usually, when cartoonists draw the same idea, there’s more than two. But I’ve only seen his. I take a lot of comfort that I think as weirdly as Lucko. Him, not so much.

I did message Mike saying, “how dare you steal my ideas before you even see them.” He said he was sorry. I told him, “You’re not sorry.”

CNNrough301

This idea stunk. Why didn’t Lucko “steal” this one? Oh, yeah. It stunk.

CNNrough300

This one stunk too which makes me surprised someone else (not Lucko) didn’t think of it too.

CNNrough299

Honestly, I drew this one to nudge my editors to make a decision from the previous ideas because at this point, everyone had a favorite but they hadn’t made it official yet. I really shouldn’t make cartoonists tricks public for editors’ to read them. But then again, most cartoonists don’t know this trick. Also, for it to work, it depends upon your editor. When I worked at The Free Lance-Star, it usually got me screamed at. “How dare you show me something I don’t want to see!!!” Seriously. Fortunately for me, my editors at CNN don’t scream at me. Not even through emails. Now, they might scream ABOUT me.

But it did work.

CNNrough298

See? I was bummed about the Sharpied-into-a-corner cartoon, but my editors really dug this one better. I thought it was the second-best, but now, yeah they were right. It was the best. The only thing I didn’t like is that there were a thousand cartoons of Trump taking a Sharpie to approval ratings. It was my first idea the day before. Hello, Captain Obvious. But, I thought this was tweaking it a bit. Nobody had the Mueller Report Sharpied. I knew this was the right one when one of my editors (we had several chiming in last week) said this cartoon made her snort her coffee.

That’s another cartoonists’ trick, sort of. If someone snorts or chokes on their coffee, that’s the cartoon…unless it’s about mustache rides.

Support the cartoonist.

As I noted in a previous cartoon, these are perilous times for political cartoonists. But you can help me continue to create cartoons, blogs, and videos by making a contribution. All support, large and small, is greatly appreciated. You can also support me by purchasing a signed print (8 1/2×11) for $40, or a signed poster (18×24) for $100 by clicking the PayPal button (just include a note if you’re purchasing a print). If you want to support but don’t want to use PayPal, you can send a contribution through the mail (address is on the contact page. Again, include a note for a print).I don’t plan on going anywhere and your support will help guarantee that. Whether you support, can’t. or just choose not to, please know that I am truly thankful that you visit my site and read my work.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

Watch me draw.

Oompa Loompa Deep State


cjones09212019

For God’s sake, what is it now?

Trump is orange. He’s been orange for a very long time. There have been multiple articles about his orangeness with various theories offered to explain why his face looks like a baboon’s ass. The number of scholars who have offered opinions to explain the phenomenon of his hue is only rivaled by those trying to figure out just what the hell that is sitting on his head. Is it a toupe, ridiculous combover, truffle, or an unfortunate beaver who spent his entire life beaver sinning and his punishment in death is to sit bleached on top of Trump’s head?

Trump’s orange skin is doesn’t get much attention from media pundits, but it does inspire some of the nicknames he’s acquired over the past few years. Right now you’re thinking, a dignified and mature journalist would never post a list of hostile and petty nicknames for Donald Trump based upon his skin tone.

So here they are: Agent Orange, Angry Creamsicle, Boiled Ham in a Wig, Bribe of Chuck, Butternut Squash, Cheddar Boy, Cheeto Benito, Cheeto Mussolini, Cheeto Fuhrer, Cheeto Jesus, Cheeto-Dusted Bloviator, Cheeto-in-Chief, Cheez Doodle, Cheez Wiz, Cinnamon Hitler, Cheeto Christ Stupid Czar, Comrade Cheetolino, Corn Husk Doll Cursed by a Witch, Decomposing Jack O’ Lantern, Dehydrated Orange Peel, Fascist Loofa-Faced Shit-Gibbon, Fuckface von Clownstick, Gossamer-Skinned Bully, John Boehner’s Tanning Partner in Crime, Killer Klown from Outer Space, King of the Oompa Loompas, Orange Anus, Orange Back Gorilla, Pile of Old Garbage Covered in Vodka Sauce, Ronald McDonald Trump-Bozo, Sack of Gilded Lunchmeat, Screaming Carrot Demon, Tan Dump Lord, Tangerine Tornado, Tangerine-Tinted Trash-Can Fire, The Human Corncob, Xenophobic Sweet Potato, The Angry Cheeto, Captain Crunch, Deeply Disturbed Fuzzy Orange Goofball, Don of Orange, Great Orange Hairball of Fear, The Human Tanning Bed Warning Label, Last of the Mango Mohawkans, Orange Bozo, Orange Caligula, Orange Clown, Orange-Hued Self-Immolator, Orange Man, The Orange Messiah, Orange Moron, Orange Omen of Doom, Orange Toilet Bowl Crud Brought to Life as a Genital-Grabbing Golem, Orange-Tufted Imbecile Intent on Armageddon, Orange-Tufted Asshole, OranguTAN, President Goldman Sucks, Pudgy McTrumpcake, Putin’s Papaya-Flavored Pawn, Queer Orangutan, The Talking Yam, Thin-Skinned Orange Peel, Orange Dildo, and Orange-Flavored Shitgibbon.

Why is his skin orange? So, so very orange. Is it a spray tan? Does he use a tanning bed? Is it all clown makeup? Is it an allergic reaction to Adderall? Are tanning goggles the explanation as to why he has the reverse-raccoon look happening? His sycophants in the White House tried to explain that he’s so orange because of good genes. No. An orange is orange because of good genes. Trump has boasted about his genes in the past, comparing himself to a racehorse. If Trump was a racehorse, he’d either be glue or dog food by now. Also, that’d be one orange, racist racehorse.

But finally, we have an explanation and with it, Trump’s admittance that he “looks” orange. He didn’t admit he is orange.

Because Republicans don’t have enough shit to get upset over, they often make stuff up or recycle past outrages. Several years ago, they were upset that the government put restrictions on light bulbs. The new light bulbs are more expensive, but better for the environment and last longer. A lot longer. They’re really better light bulbs. Conservatives got upset for a while until new fake outrages came along, like Obama put mustard on a burger, and then at some point, they realized the new energy-efficient light bulbs are actually better than the old incandescent bulbs, so they shut up about it. But now, Donald Trump has brought the old gripe back.

The Trump administration is easing restrictions on the old, nasty, wasteful incandescent bulbs, which is just shy better than lighting your home with a burning garbage can in the living room. I thought it was just another move to erase Obama’s legacy, but as it turns out, it’s even more personal than that.

While speaking to Republican House members in Baltimore Thursday, Trump said, “The bulb that we’re being forced to use – No. 1, to me, most importantly, the light’s no good. I always look orange. And so do you.” No, I don’t look orange. In fact, I don’t think any of us looks orange. Even Trump’s kid’s, they might look like entitled trust-fund baby assholes, but they don’t look orange. But hey, Trump has admitted he “looks” orange. The next step is for him to admit he IS orange.

This may not be Trump lying as much as it’s him refusing to accept reality. He lies about his weight and height, but he honestly may not realize just how ridiculous he looks. He may not see it in mirrors, but I’m sure he notices in pictures. He’s decided the explanation is that LED light bulbs are to blame. He’s already made an admiral doctor lie about his weight and height so the next step will be convincing government scientists that liberal light bulbs make him look orange. It’ll be Sharpiegate all over again.

The truth is, the light bulbs don’t make Trump look orange. He looks orange when he’s outside, whether it’s overcast, raining, or sunny. And there’s also the fact he’s been orange for at least two decades. If it’s his “good genes” that are making him orange, they didn’t kick in until the year 2000.

Trump is a ridiculous human being. And even though it sounds petty, I wouldn’t have voted for him based on his hair alone. Anyone who willfully makes himself look like shouldn’t be trusted to select a cable provider less enough possess codes to nuclear weapons.

Trump makes himself orange. Light bulbs don’t make him orange anymore than they make him a narcissistic racist. And before he tries, no. Paper straws aren’t the reason he sucks.

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