Timmy and Debbie


cjones07272016

I’m posting this with a Surface Pro I have not bought a keyboard for yet so if there are any typographical errors go suck a lemon.

Hillary Clinton made Virginia senator Tim Kaine, my senator, her veep pick.  It’s a good pick. If it doesn’t make Bernie supporters happy, they can suck a lemon too. Does she really have to bend over backwards to appease liberals so they won’t allow a Donald Trump presidency? Grow up.

Debbie Wassermann Schultz, chair of the Democratic party, was ousted after leaks showed, SURPRISE they did want Hillary to win.

I have a lot more to say but this no keyboard thing is hard.

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Roger Ailes Sugar Butt


cjones07262016

Oh my stars! A tawdry political cartoon right before my Jesus-loving eyes! Here come the night sweats! Cover the children’s eyes or they’ll never be right again!  Cancel my subscription! Fire the scalawag who produced such a horrid abomination! 

Feel free to cut and paste the above paragraph and send it to any of my clients who actually run this cartoon. It’ll save you some work. I wanted to use a different term that included the word “sugar,” but it will be hard enough for my editors to convince themselves to run this.

I took a little creative license with this as I doubt many people who frequent strip clubs would read a newspaper during their visit. I’m assuming. I wouldn’t know from experience. I’m a good boy. Every time I ever visited New Orleans I stood outside the clubs and prayed for all those inside.

So Roger Ailes it out at Fox News after 20 years of changing, innovating, and ruining cable news. It’s his fault we have all these news talk shows.

It is true that he changed the business that CNN started. His network also became the ratings leader after 9/11 and hasn’t dropped it since. He didn’t move cable news into a direction of improving coverage. CNN and NBC (shared with MSNBC) actually puts more focus into coverage. CNN has 33 international bureaus, NBC has 11, and Fox News…..four. They have less interest in gathering news than they have on spinning it.

Ailes started up Fox News for Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation with the slogan “Fair And Balanced.” That was their wink wink nudge nudge to “we’re going to say stuff conservatives want to hear.” From a political scorecard judged by PunditFact in 2014 of statements they chose to study (which means it’s not covering every little thing said on the networks), CNN is at 22% with statements that aren’t true. NBC/MSNBC is at 45%, which is “Wow! That’s a heavy dose of BS!”. Fox News, the “Fair And Balanced” network, comes in at 58%.

It’s also hard to say you’re “fair and balanced” with a straight face when your CEO, this being Roger Ailes, was a Republican strategist, who kept advising Republicans, and even had Fox News donate money to Republicans. When they were selling the Iraq War to Americans during the buildup, Roger Ailes was in the White House telling George W. Bush and Dick Cheney how they should spin it together. That’s not news. That’s activism.

Fox News released their pundit Gretchen Carlson who then sued Ailes for sexual harassment. Fox News said the accusations were lies, thus increasing their falsehoods from 58% to a healthy 98% (I made that number up). Then a bunch of other women (I’m assuming they’re women) made the same claim.

Then there are reports that Fox News biggest name also made a claim that Ailes had sexually harassed the star. Seriously, I just don’t buy that Bill O’Reilly is that attractive, but whatever turns Roger on….no wait. It was Fox News’ second biggest name, Chris Wallace. Again, I’m lying. It was Bret Baier. I’m blaming it on the clothes he chose to wore so it’s not Roger’s fault. I’ll stop. It was Megyn Kelly. Greta Van Susteren said “what’s sexual harassment?”.

Fox News was doing an internal probe (get your minds out of the gutter, you bunch of Beavises) but after Kelly’s confession that probably sealed Ailes’ fate. Megyn’s a star and one of the Fox News pundits/anchors who actually gets respect from the rest of the media. Plus, you’d rather have her around the office than Roger Ailes, especially on sleeveless-shirt Fridays at the NYC Fox News HQ.

I think Fox News could have prevented this entire thing if they had just put as much focus into Ailes as they did North Carolina bathrooms.

 

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Republican Boogas


cjones07252016

Damn I drew a lot of cartoons this week. I’m three days ahead of schedule with my syndication. Thank god this convention is over and after I draw cartoons on Hillary’s veep pick and Roger Ailes’ horniness, I can take a nap….oh wait. There’s another convention next week. Didn’t they used to take a month between these things?

The Republican convention started with hate, continued with hate, and ended with hate. Donald Trump started his speech by “humbly” accepting his party’s nomination. He gave the longest speech ever for a Republican nominee. He read it off a teleprompter. He read it very slowly. David Duke tweeted out how much he loved it.

High points for his speech includes he didn’t once refer to Hillary Clinton as “Crooked Hillary.” When he talked about banning immigrants, he didn’t mention them being Muslim immigrants. When he talked about the wall he left out the part about Mexico paying for it. When he got one protester during the speech, he didn’t veer off the script to tell the audience to beat her up.

The biggest plus for his speech is when he said we needed to protect LGBTQ from Muslim terrorists. He didn’t mention protecting them from his vice presidential pick, but it’s a start. The Republican audience actually cheered for this and he thanked them.

The rest of the speech was doom and gloom. Basically America is Gotham City run amock with criminals and gangsters and Donald Trump is the only billionaire caped crusader who can save us. We should have a Trump signal. It should look like the lips I give him in every cartoon. What do you think, yes? Though thinking about it, that image high above in the clouds above all of us could make the entire nation crap itself.

Two questions coming out of this convention: Will he get a bounce in the polls? You would think not since the entire thing was one big discombobulated dumpster fire full of hate, vinegar, and cat piss, but a lot of Americans may buy into the fear thing.

The other question is: Will Hillary try to kill his momentum Friday or Saturday by announcing her pick (Tim Kaine) as her veep? I’m not sure she should try to distract from his convention with it being the lukewarm Nazi rally that it was. Let it sink in for a day.

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Trump-Cruz Photo Op


cjones07242016

Ted Cruz spoke at the GOP convention and was loudly booed by the Trump supporters. He refused to endorse Trump. When he spoke of people voting their conscience, many took it as him saying don’t vote for Trump. But these are Republicans. Earlier in the week they booed the rock band Third Eye Blind when the lead singer mentioned science. They booed science.

Many people believe Ted Cruz exhibited a conscience, morals, and ethics. He signed a pledge to support the eventual GOP candidate and today he refuses, reminding us that Trump insulted his wife and accused his father of having a hand in the assassination of JFK.

Ted Cruz doesn’t have morals, class, ethics or anything resembling a conscience. He’s opportunistic. Only the most hideously, vulgar type of people could ever support Ted Cruz for president, U.S. Senate, or even dog catcher. Seriously, would you want this guy around your dog? I didn’t think so.

Cruz broke a pledge. His excuse is that Donald Trump attacked his family. Donald Trump was a horrible leech on humanity before he insulted Cruz’s family and Cruz was just fine with that. He was sucking up to Trump before the insults to his family. He was fine with him insulting women, Mexicans, Muslims, Megyn Kelly, Hillary Clinton, Rosie O’Donnell, John McCain, and even Cruz’s eventual pick for his vice president (proving again that Cruz is a jackass), Carly Fiorina.

Yes, it was classless of Trump to enter the hall during Cruz’s speech. Trump has appeared every night as if we needed to be reminded what a narcissist he is. But that classless move was during another classless move.

Cruz’s wife, Heidi, had to be escorted out by security after the speech. Cruz supporters were upset over this, forgetting that Republicans have been amoral Rethuglicans over the past eight years…you know, ever since we made a black guy president.

Did Cruz build his profile for another presidential run in 2020? Maybe, but it’s also likely he committed political suicide in an attempt to destroy Trump along with himself.

If he really, really, really wanted to hurt Donald Trump, he would not only have endorsed him, but joined his ticket as the vice presidential nominee. That would sink faster than a bag of cats tied to a cinder block.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

Tim Kaine


timkaine

Just in case Tim Kaine becomes a household word tomorrow, here’s a caricature. When all the other political cartoonists in America start drawing Tim Kaine they can all look to me. I’m old school drawing Tim Kaine.

I was introduced to Tim Kaine and his eyebrow in 2001. He was mayor of Richmond and was running for Lt. Governor. He had a meeting with the editorial board of The Free Lance-Star and that’s where I met him. He, like Mark Warner before him, seemed to spend the majority of the meeting focusing on me. They acted like we were long lost friends and they were actually human beings or something. Maybe their idea was to get the guy who flings poo on their side.
I usually avoided editorial board meetings. I don’t like politicians. I don’t need to meet them or become their pal. Some cartoonists talk about how they know a politician and make themselves out to be a player in politics. I knew just about every statewide elected official in Mississippi during the 1990’s and that never did a thing for me, well…except when I needed quotes for the back of my book. I’m not bragging by saying I knew every statewide official. Everyone who worked at a newspaper in that state met every official. Mississippi is the world’s largest small town.
Despite avoiding politicians I still run into them. Al Gore almost ripped my arm off with a handshake while he was in motion. He’s strong. Eric Cantor had a very lovely staff (cute girl). The governor of Hawaii (at that time) had his wife drop into my office. Not just the newspaper…she came walking into my office my second day on the job. She was nice looking too and actually made wearing a muumuu look good. I was caught by surprise and stuttered a lot.
The best reason to avoid politicians is that you might actually like them. It’s their job to kiss your ass. I liked Tim Kaine. Hell, after meeting Eric Cantor, I liked him. Didn’t help them, but personally I liked ’em.
I digressed. This was the first time I had even heard of Tim Kaine and at the time Virginia was a pretty solid red state. I didn’t know if he had a chance to win, but I did tell him that I hoped he would just so I could draw his eyebrows. He won. It took another four years before I could draw them because lieutenant governors are never in the news. Come to Virginia and ask someone, anyone, who is our lieutenant governor. Ask the governor. He may not even know. Kaine was much more newsworthy as governor and then U.S. Senator.
After that one meeting, I never met him again.
I hope Clinton picks Kaine. He’s a solid choice. Boring. There’s no real dirt on him. There’s not much in past legislation to drag him down. He’s young. He’s had experience as a mayor of a large city, lieutenant governor, governor, and U.S. Senator. He’s the kind of guy that probably could not ever have a shot at the presidency without the profile of being veep.
I hope she does not pick Cory Booker. Cory Booker is extremely talented and can become president after a few more years in the senate. I’m afraid being Clinton’s veep can only bring him down. Booker has the personality that he doesn’t need to be veep.
For those who are about to Google the lieutenant governor of Virginia, it’s Ralph Northam. He’s a Democrat.

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Trump’s Little Pony


cjones07232016

Trump strategist and noted idiot Sean Spicer went on CNN and MSNBC to defend Melania’s plagiarism by saying some content of her speech is similar to “My Little Pony.” Plagiarism is magic! After spending a day and a half denying any similarities between Melania’s and Michelle Obama’s speeches, and blaming Hillary Clinton (yes….blaming Hillary Clinton), the Trump campaign offered a head on a platter.

Meredith McIver (not “MacGyver”), the writer of the tainted speech, said Melania admires Michelle Obama and quoted parts of her speech to McIver over the phone. McIver, who claims she never looked at Obama’s speech, said that she took notes and included them in the speech. I gotta say, she takes very good notes since she got it word for word. Also, since Melania was such a big admirer of Michelle Obama (which is uncomfortable for Republicans), and read those lines to the writer, why didn’t she recognize them when she read them later in her speech? If I tell you I love Nirvana and you come back with a speech that includes “a mulatto, an albino
a mosquito, my libido,” I’m gonna notice some similarities.

I suppose we’re now required to forget that Melania took total credit for her speech beforehand. But then again, this very intelligent self-made woman who married a billionaire has it in her bio that she graduated from college, when she’s in fact a drop out. Nothing wrong with that. I’m a college dropout but I don’t lie about degrees I don’t have on resumes.

Republicans state she’s not stupid because she’s fluent in five languages. Really? Have you heard Melania speak five languages? I know what “hasta la vista” and “por favor” mean, but that doesn’t make me fluent in Spanish.

So far at this convention we’ve had a pastor describe Democrats as the enemy, a speaker who’s a member of American Muslims For Trump (and he’s probably the only member), speakers yelling for prison time for Hillary, Ben Carson accusing Hillary of having a devil worshiper as her hero, Congressman Steve King saying white people have contributed more to civilization than any other race, and a Trump adviser saying Hillary Clinton should be shot.

Republicans are selling merchandise at the convention calling Clinton a “bitch,” and mentioning her body parts. You had Chachi tweeting out a very vulgar comment about Clinton.

Only 18 of the 4,472 delegates are black. They’ve had more minority speakers than minorities in the audience. It’s really hard to engage in minority outreach while being the biggest bag of dicks in American history.

On top of all this, Laura Ingraham finished off her speech with a Heil Hitler salute. I’m still waiting for that one to be explained.

There’s been a lot of themes for this convention, but it’s been entirely based upon hate, vitriol, and vengeance.

This convention has been a total dumpster fire. I’m loving it!

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Melania’s Plagiarism


cjones07222016

I’m always interested in the speakers at the conventions, but more so with the GOP’s this year, as they’ve had a very difficult time getting anyone of any significance willing to speak at this dumpster fire. Half the roster is made up of Trump kids.

Rudy Giuliani did fine shouting from the podium. He riled everyone up. Three of the speakers said Hillary Clinton should be in prison. The opening pastor referred to Democrats as the enemy. Joni Ernst did fine if she’s a robot grandma. Then there was Melania Trump, Donald’s trophy wife.

Being the super model stepford immigrant wife that she is, I didn’t expect much. Not that she should be regarded as stupid, but she’s not a person who has ever accomplished anything other than marrying rich. She’s never been noted for intelligence. So I had low expectations.

First, Donald came out to introduce his fancy cardboard cutout to a Queen song. Leave it to the GOP to bash gays and then rip a song written by Freddy Mercury.

I was surprised. I thought she did fine. I mean, other than being Donald’s third wife while talking about how loyal he is. She also mentioned being with Donald for 18 years, though he divorced his last wife in 1999. You do the math. Then she talked about how hard work gets you where you are. Now I’d point out that she married into richness, but considering what she has to sleep with for that, let’s cut her some slack there.

But it turns out the rest of her idea of hard work is stealing parts of her speech from Michelle Obama’s speech at the 2008 convention. Now that’s a problem.

Republicans are bashing the Obama’s. They’ve been doing so for the past eight years. So to steal from “the enemy” is outrageous. Did Republicans like her speech? If so, that means they like what Michelle Obama has to say. This spittle’s going to turn slow.

We can blame the speech writer, except Melania gave an interview on NBC saying she wrote the speech herself with little help. But we know that’s not true (would a Trump lie?).

We could just cut her some slack and let the issue go away because Republicans have NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVER criticized and piled on a First Lady….ever, ever, ever.

Immediately we look to blame a speech writer and wait for a head to come rolling down the steps of Trump Tower. But if Hillary Clinton did this in 1992 they would have accused of her killing the person she stole it from. If Michelle Obama did this in 2008 they would have lynched her. They already think her encouragement to children to eat more vegtables is some sort of new world order of Muslim socialism.

There’s trouble with this campaign. They can’t create a logo without an impression of jail rape. They can’t get anyone to speak. They can’t organize a convention. And apparently, they can’t write speeches without stealing them from Democrats.

The right thing to do would be for the speech writer to come forward, plea for mercy and resign. So naturally the Trump campaign denies anything was stolen and it’s all Hillary Clinton’s fault. Really. They did that. Since Donald Trump is a pathological liar he probably really believes his wife wrote the entire thing herself. Is pathological contagious?

I’m sure the Trump campaign spent all of Tuesday scrubbing and rewriting the rest of the Trump clan’s speeches. That’s too bad because I’d enjoy hearing Ivanka do “I’m all about that bass, about that bass, no treble.”

And yes. Part of Melania’s speech did “Rick Roll” the GOP convention.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!