Ted Cruz

To Solemnly Lickspittle


cjones01192020

I spent last Thursday morning nauseous and queasy from food poisoning. This morning, I was looking up photos of Senate Republicans, so yeah…another Thursday morning feeling nauseous and queasy.

Senate Republicans have already abandoned the oath they swore to when they took office. You know, that quaint idea of protecting and defending the United States of America from all forms of aggression, foreign and domestic. Because with Donald Trump, our nation’s received forms for aggression, foreign and domestic. How have Senate Republicans responded to it? They’ve all rolled over for belly rubs.

On the 2016 campaign trail, Donald Trump gave loyalty oaths at his hate rallies. He defended the practice from comparisons to the oaths Hitler demanded as “fun.” Republicans in Congress haven’t had a problem with the oath, at least not since the election. Before Trump was elected was another matter.

Lindsey Graham said of Trump, “He’s a race-baiting, xenophobic, religious bigot,” and “You know how you make America great again? Tell Donald Trump to go to hell.” Now, he promises not to be a fair juror in Trump’s impeachment trial which is starting next week and said “I’ve clearly made up my mind, I’m not trying to hide the fact that I have disdain for the accusations and the process.”

Ted Cruz called Trump a “pathological liar” and a “sniveling coward” after Trump retweeted a meme comparing the beauty between their wives. Now, he’s defending coming to a conclusion before the trial.

Marco Rubio said, “No senator can be impartial.” Back in 2016, he was making fun of the size of Trump’s penis.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has resisted calling witnesses, despite new ones coming out every day stating how Trump was trying to bribe a foreign leader to help his reelection. McConnell is totally coordinating the trial with the White House.

This morning, Senate Republicans are going to take an impeachment oath they’ve already promised to break. You can argue that Democrats are doing the same, but at least they can base their opinion that Trump is guilty on the fact that all the witnesses, documents, and facts support that Trump is guilty.

And the Republicans who are promising to be openminded will only do so if they don’t have to hear any more witnesses or evidence against Trump. The only way this could be any worse would be if we found out later that one of the Senators was helping Trump bribe Ukraine. But fortunately, the guy who did that in Congress is in the House.

The impeachment trial of Donald Trump beings next week and should continue for two more. But this morning, Republicans will get a head start by swearing on an oath they don’t have any intention to follow. At the same time, they don’t have any intention of representing the United States.

Creative note: Can’t recognize all the Republicans and wanna give up? Here you go. Left to right (top row); Tom Cotton, Rand Paul, Rick Scott, Joni Ernst, Jerry Moran, Ben Sasse (bottom row) Mitch McConnell, Lindsey Graham, Ted Cruz, Cindy Hyde-Smith, John Kennedy (very bottom) Marco Rubio.

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Premature Republicans


cjones12182019

Is anyone surprised that Mitch McConnell, Lindsey Graham, and other Senate Republicans are promising to violate an oath before they even swear to it? Of course not as these are the same Republicans who have given up on everything they used to believe in. Remember when they claimed to believe in family values, the military, patriotism, reduced debt, and protecting our nation from Russia?

Mitch McConnell didn’t have any problem violating Senate rules and the Constitution when he refused to hold a hearing for President Obama’s last Supreme Court nominee and then handing that nomination to Donald Trump. McConnell didn’t have any problem with blocking Obama’s nominations to lower courts either. While Republicans claim Obama left vacancies for them to fill, the truth is that only 28.6% of his judicial nominees were approved by the Republican-led Senate during the last two years of his presidency. While appearing on Sean Hannity’s show on Fox News, McConnell took credit for blocking Obama’s nominees after Hannity wondered aloud why Obama left so many vacancies. And then McConnell cackled which will probably keep me up at nights for several years to come.

Senators are required to make a new oath of office before an impeachment trial. Article I, section 3, clause 6 of the Constitution sets out that senators sitting on a trial of impeachment “shall be on Oath or Affirmation.”

According to Rule XXV of Senate Rules in Impeachment Trials, all senators must make the following oath: “I solemnly swear [or affirm, as the case may be] that in all things appertaining to the trial of the impeachment of [the person being impeached], now pending, I will do impartial justice according to the Constitution and laws: So help me God.”

McConnell told Hannity, “Everything I do during this, I’m coordinating with the White House counsel. There will be no difference between the president’s position and our position as to how to handle this.” This was probably followed by more cackling. He said he will be working in “total coordination with the White House counsel’s office and the people representing the president in the well of the Senate.”

Lindsey Graham has stated he has no intention of being an impartial juror. He has stated a refusal to listen to the evidence and that there shouldn’t even be a trial. Back in 1998, Graham scolded his colleagues for making decisions before the trial. He said, “Let the facts do the talking,” and “don’t decide the case before the case is in.”

Graham and McConnell have no problems being hypocrites and telling us out loud that they plan to conduct a sham of a trial. Since they don’t have any problem violating an oath let’s hope their voters do.

Why vote for a politician who promises to break promises? If they are announcing they will violate an oath to be impartial, why would anyone believe they’ll keep their oath to protect the United States Constitution? I don’t.

Senators like Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham won’t keep their promises to protect the Constitution, the nation, or even the presidency. If anything, they’re promising to betray the nation.

They are promising the trial will be a sham just as they are as United States Senators.

Support the cartoonist.

You can help me continue to create cartoons, blogs, and videos by making a contribution. All support, large and small, is greatly appreciated. You can also support me by purchasing a signed print (8 1/2×11) for $40, or a signed poster (18×24) for $100 by clicking the PayPal button (just include a note if you’re purchasing a print). If you want to support but don’t want to use PayPal, you can send a contribution through the mail (address is on the contact page. Again, include a note for a print). I don’t plan on going anywhere and your support will help guarantee that. Whether you support, can’t. or just choose not to, please know that I am truly thankful that you visit my site and read my work.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

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Sniveling Ted


cjones10252018

Ted Cruz may NOT be the Zodiac Killer, but he will throw his family under the bus for a cheap political payoff.

He didn’t just throw his family under the bus. He sacrificed his pride, dignity, and anything that remotely resembled principles. But, that’s kinda par for the course for people who support Donald Trump.

They’re for family values and would never support a candidate who cheats on his wife, especially with porn stars. Never mind. They stand with our veterans and would never support a guy who attacks a P.O.W. and Gold Star families. Never mind. They’re patriots and would defend their country against all enemies foreign and domestic. Never mind. They’re for decreased spending, balanced budgets, and lowering the deficit. Never mind.  They don’t like Nazis and white supremacists…actually, that example doesn’t work. They always liked Nazis and white supremacists. Just now, they don’t have to hide it anymore.

But, when it comes to standing firm on the ground where you make a stand, Ted has legs of Jell-O.

Donald Trump accused Cruz’s father of being an accomplice to the murder of President John F. Kennedy. He tweeted pictures of Melania next to Cruz’s wife, Heidi, as though he was running for prom king and having a prettier wife should be important to voters. He gave Ted the nickname “Lying Ted.” Cruz responded by calling Trump a “sniveling coward” and a pathological liar.

Both candidates were right. Both men are liars and cowards. But the bigger coward soon started campaigning for Trump and joined the “Trump Train.” Last night, Trump campaigned for Cruz by holding one of his hate rallies in Texas; where Cruz shouldn’t need any help to win his re-election bid.

Unfortunately for Cruz, his opponent isn’t just a warm-blooded human being with a pulse, he’s Beto O’Rourke. Where anyone is more likable than Cruz, and even the Zodiac Killer is probably upset with the comparison, Beto is extremely likable and has amassed a huge following as well as a large war chest of campaign dollars. Ted may win in red Texas, but he’s in a fight.

The question for Texans is; why would you send Cruz back to Washington? In his first term, he was single-handedly responsible for shutting down the government. He put the concerns of Texans on the back burner to run for president. He became the most unpopular guy in the Senate, where even former House Majority Leader John Boehner said he was a “miserable son of a bitch” and “Lucifer in the flesh,” which made Lucifer, and miserable sons of bitches very unhappy with the comparisons.

Donald Trump has increased his lies to new levels of absurdity. Democrats are paying for the caravan, there are Middle Easterners in the caravan, Democrats will give illegal immigrants new cars, there are riots over sanctuary cities in California, he’s going to pass a tax cut while Congress is out of sessions, etc. But, yesterday he may have told the most unbelievable lie yet. Trump said Cruz is no longer “Lying Ted” and is now “Beautiful Ted.” What? As one comedian recently said (I forget who), “Ted Cruz is what baseball thinks about when it wants to delay orgasm.”

Ted Cruz isn’t the only person putting the cult of stupid personality before principles, dignity, and pride. Texans voting for Cruz are doing the same thing. Why would anyone, especially a Texan, vote for a guy who asks the guy who insulted his family to come to his state and campaign for him?

If Texans want a Senator who will put their interests first and represent their state with pride, they’ll vote for Beto. If they want to vote for a sniveling coward who’s also a spineless worm, they’ll vote for Ted Cruz.

Be Complicit
What kind of person would want to be part of something that disparages, slanders, and disrespects Dear Leader and his sycophantic followers? Hopefully, you. 
Making a contribution supports my work and keeps the cartoons, columns, and videos coming. My income is from newspapers that subscribe to my work and small contributors. George Soros hasn’t sent me a million dollar check in weeks. Making a contribution of any amount, or buying a print for $40.00, makes you part of this specific resistance, and a member of Team Claytoonz (we’re still working on the name). You are complicit, an accomplice, and in cahoots (and whatever gangster terms we can think of) with this political satire pointing out that the stupid emperor has no clothes. Contributions can be made through PayPal, checks, and wads of cash exchanged in back alleys.
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Beto Vs. Creepo


cjones09202018

Beto O’Rourke, the Democratic candidate for the Texas U.S. Senate seat is being accused of pretending to be Latino by supporters of Senator Ted Cruz, a guy many accuse of pretending to be Caucasian.

O’Rourke is currently representing Texas in Congress. His first name is Robert, which is where the nickname “Beto” came from, as it’s often short for “Roberto” in Mexico. It was targeted in an attack ad by Ted Cruz, whose first name is “Rafael.” Go figure.

Ted Cruz is not a man of principles, ethics, or charm. His campaign also targeted O’Rourke for being likable and made fun of his past skateboarding and playing in a rock band. Whereas, any personality Cruz has is stored in the basement of the Alamo.

Despite being a Republican in deeply red Texas, Cruz is in trouble. He’s seeking help from Donald Trump, a man he once called a “sniveling coward” for accusing his father of being involved in the assassination of JFK, and for making fun of his wife’s looks. Did I mention Cruz doesn’t have principles?

Nobody really likes Ted. Al Franken once said he likes Cruz more than anyone else in the Senate, and he hated Ted Cruz. Lindsey Graham, a fellow Republican, once said you could shoot Cruz on the floor of the Senate and none of his colleagues would convict you.

If Cruz loses his reelection bid for his Senate seat, the GOP would hate losing the seat, but wouldn’t miss Ted.

You can tell a lot about a person who likes Ted Cruz. It’s a sign that you don’t want anything to do with that person.

Your support in the form of donations is appreciated. I am fully independent as I’m not employed by a newspaper or with a major syndicate (leaving one to be independent). It does take a lot of work to provide you with cartoons, columns, and videos almost every day (more than any other political cartoonist), and I don’t charge my clients much at all. If you can, please consider making a financial contribution to keep the fun flowing, or purchase a signed print for $40. Whether you can help support, can’t, or just choose not to, please continue to enjoy and keep reading my work. Thank you!!!

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Ted Cruz…Ew


cjones09152017

I didn’t really think it was a huge story that Ted Cruz, or someone who has access to his Twitter account, clicked like on a porn tweet. I made a few cracks about it on social media and laughed along with everyone else making puns.

The tweet of a video that Ted clicked like on was described by The Washington Post:The video clip itself is just over two minutes, details of its contents mostly unprintable. It features a sectional sofa, the pornographic actress Cory Chase, her fictitious nude stepdaughter, and a very energetic young man.” How tawdry.

It’s especially tawdry for a man who has advocated against what people do in private behind closed doors. If Justin Timberlake brought sexy back, Ted Cruz has tried to take it away.

As Solicitor General of Texas, his legal team tried to defend a law banning the sale of sex toys. His office drafted a 76-page brief that argued that the government had an interest in discouraging “autonomous sex.” It further stated, “there is no substantive-due-process right to stimulate one’s genitals for nonmedical purposes unrelated to procreation or outside of an interpersonal relationship.”

Cruz’s freshman-year college roommate once tweeted, “Ted Cruz thinks people don’t have a right to ‘stimulate their genitals.’ I was his college roommate. This would be a new belief of his.”

Republicans are the only people in the world who will claim that they have never viewed porn. Of if they did, then they had a very good reason, like researching for an article or a legal case. These were the kids you knew in high school who claimed they had never touched themselves. They also had a girlfriend you can’t meet because she goes to a different school in another town.

Cruz claims he did not click the like button, and he blamed it on a staffer. There were a lot of puns about “staffer” on social media. It happened late at night and was unliked by 2:00 AM.

Cruz keeps having little silly conflicts with porn. During the 2016 primaries, he hired a porn star for a campaign ad. I’m starting to think Ted Cruz doesn’t watch anything else but porn.

Ted Cruz is icky. Maybe he wasn’t the individual responsible for liking a porn video, but just the thought of him making an O-face is enough to make one hurl their cereal. Nobody likes Ted. Nobody wants to touch Ted. Nobody even wants to be in the same room with Ted. So, certainly nobody wants any sort of mental image of Ted doing anything porn related.

I’ve said it before, and more than once. I’ll say it again. You can judge a person by their opinion of Ted Cruz. If they like him, or even voted for him, cut that person out of your life. He’s an asshole, and he’s probably just as deceitful, condescending, smug, smarmy, and slimy as Ted Cruz.

This cartoon may be a bit out-of-date. Did I use a porn theater like one would insert (no pun intended) a phone booth into a political cartoon? Are there still theaters for porn, or is everybody viewing it on the internet like Ted Cruz?

I have actually been to a porn theater once in my life. It was the late 1980s, and I was living in Los Angeles. My little brother and I went to Hollywood and while there we decided to check it out. I had never seen one before. Porn, yes. An actual theater, no. I don’t recommend it.

The first part of the theater was a store where they sold the tickets and sex toys. Nice. The actual theater was dark. Darker than a regular movie theater. You couldn’t see anyone, but occasionally you’d hear a cough….or an even more disturbing sound. The floors were sticky, and not popcorn sticky. We walked in during the middle of the movie, or at least after it had started. I don’t think anyone goes for a start time or even for a specific title. The weirdest thing, the movie stopped playing in the middle of a sex scene. Why did it do that?

I’ll tell you why it did that. Because there was a stage in front of the movie screen, which came as a surprise. This girl came out and started stripping with all the “bow-chika-wow-wow” music playing. She stripped for 30 minutes. I remember this because I timed it, and it actually got boring. It nearly turned into a personal and horrifying tragedy for me. The kind of thing someone like Ted Cruz would probably get off on.

I was 21-years-old. I had just met my father, and my younger brother. So, hanging out with Bobby, my brother, was new to me. So, hey. Let’s go watch a porn. I’m gonna go with that being Bobby’s idea. I had also just met a little sister and a step-brother who was my age. I was also told that there was another sister. A half-sister. And, I was told she was a mess and my father didn’t want me to meet her. Weird, right? I don’t know if it’s true, but I was once told she’d occasionally make spare money by rolling people in alleys.

So during this porn-theater striptease, my brother leans over and says, “dude, I think that’s our sister.” If I was drinking anything, I would have spit it out or choked on it (no porn puns there please). It wasn’t my sister. Thank god. I was in sheer horror until the lights came up and he said, “oh, never mind. Do you think they have Raisinets here?” That was not how I wanted to meet my sister. But, I did finally meet her a couple years ago, nearly thirty years later at my father’s funeral. I also found out in the years between, that she was not actually my sister. Fuckers. And again, thank god.

Anyway, it was a very icky, awkward, situation I never want to experience again, and I haven’t. I imagine it’s very similar to a feeling one gets by meeting Ted Cruz.

Creative note: I took “rodgering” from the film There’s Something About Mary. The line was “a jolly good rodgering.” I think. I don’t know if I ever heard the term before that, but I had a good idea what it was. I hope editors don’t.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

Cruzin’ And Oozin’


cjones09022017

You take one look at Ted Cruz’s face and you think, gee…if there is a god he must have really hated Ted before he was even born.

God would not be alone in hating Ted Cruz. Hardly anybody likes the guy, except troglodytes. I have a conservative political cartoonist colleague who loves him. He voted for him in 2016….TWICE. Once in the primaries and then wrote him in during the general election. You can tell a lot about a person if they like Ted Cruz. In my friend’s case, he’s an asshole.

Minnesota Senator Al Franken has stated he likes Ted Cruz probably more than any of his colleagues in the Senate…and he hates Ted Cruz.

Cruz’s fellow Republican in the Senate, Lindsey Graham said that someone could shoot Ted on the Senate floor and nobody would care. I’m sure a lot of people would care. There’d probably be a party.

Ted’s college roommate, Craig Mazin once tweeted, “Ted would leave a greasy film on everything. My friend Erik dubbed the substance “Cruhz,” rhymes with “scuzz.” Now there’s Cruhz on my TV.” He also implied that Cruz was a chronic masturbator, which is an image I don’t want.

Trump referred to him as a “very nasty guy,” and gave him the nickname “Lyin’ Ted” during the campaign. Of course, after the campaign, Trump had Ted over for dinner. I hope they cleaned the place of “Cruhz.”

Now, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is going after Cruz.

After Hurricane Sandy hit the upper-east coast in 2012, Ted Cruz voted against federal dollars to aid the area. Many, Republicans, like Christie, are pointing out the hypocrisy that NOW Ted wants federal disaster relief after Hurricane Harvey. Christie said Cruz was “disgraceful.”

He told Chris Cuomo on CNN that, “Senator Cruz was playing politics in 2012, trying to make himself look like the biggest conservative in the world.”

Cruz defended his 2012 vote by stating, “The problem with that particular bill is it became a $50 billion bill that was filled with unrelated pork. Two-thirds of that bill had nothing to do with Sandy.”

As with most things that come from Ted Cruz, that’s a lie. According to Washington Post Fact-Checker Glen Kessler, who walked through the bill line item by line item. “It is wildly incorrect to claim that the bill was ‘filled with unrelated pork.’ The bill was largely aimed at dealing with Sandy, along with relatively minor items to address other or future disasters.” 

When it came time to provide aid to his fellow Americans, Cruz left a trail of Cruhz all over that bill. He and other Texas Republicans voted against providing New York and New Jersey with disaster relief funding because they’re liberal states, and Obama really wanted to help with disaster relief. See? Ted Cruz is just an asshole.

Texas has issues. It’s a very under-regulated state. The lack of regulations encourages businesses to move to Texas. Being an oil state, Texas doesn’t have a high regard for the environment. Nor does it value a woman’s right to choose or minority voting. They do dumb things like that. The results can be horrifying, like a coastline being underprepared for a category-4 hurricane, or a manure plant exploding from ammonium nitrate and killing 15 people, or Ted Cruz becoming your United States Senator.

As I said, you can tell a lot about a person who likes Ted Cruz. It should tell us a lot about Texas. A lot of the areas affected by Harvey, like Houston, didn’t vote for Cruz. But, they’re stuck with what the rest of the state gave them.

Cruz is up for reelection in 2018. I’d suggest that Texas replace him and then start their cleanup. Not so much from Harvey, but after all the “Cruhz.”

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

Death Becomes Them


cjones06262017

Ya’ know, this might be the best caricature that’s ever been drawn of Ted Cruz. I’m not patting myself on the back here as I only drew a robe with a black hole for the face. Usually, when it comes to black holes and Ted Cruz, the black hole is where his heart should be.

I wonder about the type of people who like Ted Cruz. I imagine they’re the sort who giggle when old people fall down. They probably aim their car tires at tortoises crossing the street. A little pee came out while they were laughing hysterically at disabled protesters being arrested for protesting the new Republican designed anti-health plan. There’s nothing funnier than arresting people who need wheelchairs and oxygen tanks. Republicans find that shit funnier than Hee-Haw.

Ted Cruz is a vile, evil, sinister, creepy, and all-around icky person. While the GOP’s huge tax-cut plan for the rich designed as a health plan is too mean for Republican senators like Maine’s Susan Collins and Alaska’s Lisa Murkowski, it’s just not mean enough for Ted Cruz and the Republican toad from Kentucky, Rand Paul (the other senator from Kentucky, Mitch McConnell is an actual tortoise).

What’s in this bill from the U.S. Senate that actually became meaner than the House version (which many thought was impossible but the Senate said “hold my scythe”)? First, it strips funding from Planned Parenthood. And if you’re a Ted Cruz kinda guy who really desires to tell women what they can and can’t do with their bodies, you might be all right with that. Never mind the fact that there is no federal funding for abortions and all that money goes to cancer screenings and other health benefits (women stuff we guys wish to remain oblivious to). But who needs facts when you have dogma, right?

This bill will kill the Medicaid expansion that covers 14 million people in 30 states and Washington, D.C. States will have to make up the cost difference and it’ll cost them millions, and a few billion. Since states won’t actually be able to make up this difference, it will affect people in and slightly above poverty. But, Republicans have shown they really don’t give a shit about poor people.

The bill imposes a harsher federal spending cap on Medicaid. This will force states, who have to actually balance their budgets, unlike Congress, to choose between funding Medicaid, education, law enforcement, roads, prisons, etc. It will cut over $800 billion from Medicaid. Can you tell me how you can cut over $800 billion from the program without it adversely affecting the poor?

Since the fire in the states’ dumpsters won’t really start burning until most of the current governors are out of office, they’re not going to start planning ahead. Most of these people are Republicans. In case you haven’t noticed, Republicans don’t do well with budgets. Remember the budgets from Reagan, Bush, or the other Bush? Wait until the multiple bankruptcy president is through with the federal budget. We’re gonna have to rewrite the 22nd Amendment just so Obama can come back and fix this shit again.

The bill will maintain Obamacare’s tax credits but will scale back the value of those based on income and geography. It may benefit people with high premiums but it’ll also make deductibles rise. You don’t mind your deductibles rising, do you?

The Senate version will make it easier for states to seek exemptions from other provisions of the law, including the essential benefits insurers must cover, including maternity care and mental health. The House version would authorize states to apply for waivers allowing insurers to charge sick people more. Since this will have to return to the House if it passes, we can’t be sure what’ll end up in the final version. This thing could end up with a Dracula-blood-sucking-death-panel provision. Do you like leeches?

Both versions of this plan will force people to go without health coverage. How can that be predicted? When you make it too expensive and people have to choose between health insurance and little luxuries like eating, that’s the logical outcome.

By removing low-income and disabled people from Medicaid the Senate bill would fund a large capital gains tax cut for the rich. According to the Center on Budget [and] Policy Priorities, $33 billion of the tax cuts would benefit the 400 wealthiest U.S. households, so if you sell a lot of stocks you’re gonna smell goooooooooooooooooooooooooooood.

Thirteen members of the Senate worked on the bill in secret, though a few of them claimed they didn’t know what was gonna be in it. That’s like an author not knowing who-did-it in his murder mystery. It’s usually the butler and if this bill is amended to appease the bastards, Ted Cruz will probably be the butler.

Did I mention, nobody likes Ted Cruz? When I say “nobody,” I mean people who are decent individuals who don’t run over turtles on purpose and folks who don’t live in Texas.

One last thing: If you voted for Donald Trump, who promised he wouldn’t cut Medicaid, you’re an idiot.

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