Texas

Get Me To The Megachurch On Time


cjones08312017

Joel Osteen is a mega-preacher who operates a mega-church that makes mega-moolah. Financially, Osteen is worth around $56 million dollars. Ethically, he’s worth a lot less.

Osteen preaches out of Houston where he promotes “prosperity theology.” His televised sermons are seen by over seven million people each week, and over 20 million monthly in over 100 countries. His sermons are broadcast daily over Sirius XM Satellite Radio. He’s written seven New York Times Best sellers.

Joel lives in a mansion worth over $10 million dollars. His cathedral is the former arena for the Houston Rockets and it seats over 16,000 people. The arena is neat, sparkly, and clean and Joel wants to keep it that way.

After Hurricane Harvey hit the coast of Texas and flooded Houston, Joel tweeted out that he was praying for everyone. As warehouses, stores, and other churches opened up as evacuation centers, Joel’s church remained closed.

The church tweeted out that it was closed and recommended several other churches where the unwashed masses could seek shelter. They claimed their venue was “inaccessible due to severe flooding.” 

Some Houston citizens tweeted out photos of the area around the church that showed it was clear from floods. The church responded with photos of their own that show the place flooded. Despite the claim that they’re flooded, the church says it will provide sanctuary after all the other shelters are full. How are they going to provide sanctuary if they’re flooded? Hmmm?

Prayers are nice. Cash is better. Joel is a big believer in cash. Perhaps he can offer Houston a bit more than prayers.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

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Harvey Danger


cjones08302017

I have gone through four hurricanes in my life, so my heart is with everyone currently dealing with Harvey in Texas. However, I can’t help but make fun of a red state that claims they don’t need the federal government until a disaster shows up, and religious zealots who blame natural disasters on liberal stuff like gay marriage.

And, not just for natural disasters. In 2001, Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell blamed 9/11 on the ACLU, gays, lesbians, pagans, abortionists, and feminists. It seemed the only ones they forgot to include was al Qaida.

Robertson also blamed Hurricane Katrina (which devastated New Orleans in 2005) on America’s abortion policy. He also blamed the Haitian earthquake in 2010 on a pact with the Devil that Haitians made to liberate themselves from French slave owners (the Devil must be a procrastinator because that rebellion occurred in 1791). In 1976, Robertson predicted that the world would end in 1982. Perhaps Robertson got mixed signals and confused the end of days with Grease 2 and “The Safety Dance.” Robertson also claimed that God told him Mitt Romney would win the election in 2012 and serve two terms. I seriously think God is fucking with Pat Robertson. He recently fell off a horse, which God didn’t feel like warning him about or that was his wrath for Patterson being a righteous dick.

In 2012, when Hurricane Sandy hit liberal New York and New Jersey, eight Texas lawmakers voted against increasing flood insurance, and 23 voted against emergency funding for victims. One of those was the biggest sanctimonious sack of crap to ever enter the United States Senate, but we’ll see where Ted Cruz stands with his state needing funding for Harvey, which some estimate the damages could reach nearly $40 billion.

Texas Governor Greg Abbott sued the federal government over environmental regulations back when he was the state’s attorney general. The Houston Chronicle’s editorial page said he “lead the charge against Obama-era climate regulations.” He also expressed concern that Obama was using the military for a “hostile takeover” of Texas. Right now, he really wants a federal government invasion led by FEMA.

The federal government will come. In fact, Donald Trump will visit on Tuesday, so Texas has that to look forward to. I think it’s awesome the president is taking time out from his busy schedule of tweeting, pardoning racist lawbreakers, and holding campaign rallies. It’s more than he did for Charlottesville.

I was born in Texas so I feel I’m allowed to make fun of them. I love Texans except for Texans who don’t live in Texas. Why? Because they never shut up about Texas. It’s the same deal with vegetarians. How do you know someone is a vegetarian? They’ll tell you….over and over and over. Same with Texans.

Creative notes: I don’t know if there are any “Yee-Haw” streets in Texas, but they do have stores that sell liquor and guns. Some are drive-thrus. Yup.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

Abortion Ruling Wipeout


cjones06282016

Ever watch that game show Wipeout where contestants have to go through humiliating and extremely difficult physical obstacle courses to win the prize? The players are always getting knocked down, punched in the face, and knocked into a great big muddy pool. It’s a really cool show to watch if you’re drinking in a bar and the bartender won’t change the channel. Nobody watches that kinda stuff at home, or anything on that TruTV channel.

I drew a cartoon similar to this a few years ago that’s somewhere deep in my archives. There was an obstacle in front of an abortion clinic and I believe there were rattlesnakes and barbwire among the hazards.

Ever since the Supreme Court ruled abortion constitutional in 1973 Republicans have been trying to find ways to circumvent a woman’s right to choose, especially in red states.

Some of the obstacles they’ve constructed have been no public funding, no coverage of insurance, state-mandated counseling, licensed physicians, waiting periods, and making a girl call mom and dad.

Texas got real creative. They created a law requiring doctors to have admitting privileges at nearby hospitals and clinics to meet the standards of ambulatory surgical centers. These laws were closing clinics thus making fewer of them in the state and forcing women to driver farther from home, sometimes to another state, to get an abortion. Republicans claim these laws are for women’s health. Republicans being concerned about women’s health is laughable.

States can not enact laws creating undue burdens on women seeking abortions. That’s exactly what the Supreme Court, even with a vacancy the
Republican Senate refuses to fill, ruled Texas guilty of doing. Several other states have also made ridiculous laws on abortion and we can expect many of those to be struck down soon.

Republicans love to create obstacle courses for abortion, minorities registering to vote, immigration, getting on welfare, poor kids eating lunch, etc. The only issue it seems they want a clear path toward is buying a gun.

I think there should be Wipeout obstacle courses for Republicans before they can enact ridiculous laws. If nothing else it would be amusing to see them land in the mud. Wallowing in the mud is where they are the most comfortable.

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What’s In A Name?


cjones05142016

I got this idea a couple days ago but I held off on drawing it as I had already done a bathroom cartoon this week. I stored the idea in a folder I have for concepts I need to hold off on. Some of the ideas come to life while most wither away into obscurity. Some of the ideas get trashed as I have second thoughts on their quality or maybe for another reason. The folder is full of Trump ideas most of which I’ll never draw.

On Friday the Obama administration told public schools across the U.S. to let transgender students use the bathrooms and locker rooms that match their gender identity. Several states, such as North Carolina, Arkansas, Mississippi, Kentucky, and Texas are promptly freaking out.

The bullies say the measure is needed to protect women and children from sexual predators. The Justice Department and others argue the threat is practically nonexistent and the law discriminatory. This has become the Civil Rights issue of the day. Once again the conservatives are on the wrong side.

These conservatives would rather bully, intimidate, and punish kids and others over a nonexistent threat. This is a perfect example of the politics of fear. It’s easier to stoke the fears of the lower informed than to solve actual problems. It works as the more conservative voters are too distracted by the fear of men in dresses entering the little girls room than to ask politicians about funding for education and transportation.

The irony here is that the states are complaining about federal government overreach while the state of North Carolina tells local municipalities that they can’t enact tolerant laws. Conservatives are deaf to irony.

It seems the only jobs Republicans will create are for bathroom police. It’s funny they never lobbied for surveillance of churches where pedophilia has actually taken place.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

Wanna Buy A Watch?


cjones02262016

Did you watch the latest Republican debate? The final debate before Super Tuesday as every debate is the final debate before something. I did and it was a slobberknocker. Basically it was Ted and Marco versus The Donald. It couldn’t have been much worse than if Trump was caught between the Pope, Vicente Fox, and Mitt Romney.

First impression I got was how sad it was to see President George H.W. Bush and former First Lady Barbara at the debate after Jeb had dropped out. It’s like your parents going to your little league game after you were kicked off the team.

The high point of the debate that will be talked about Friday was when Marco Rubio stated that if Donald Trump hadn’t inherited $200 million, he’d be selling watches in Manhattan. That was a good one. It was so prepared that Marco is pretend selling broken Trump watches at his site. You don’t actually get a watch but you get the privilege of giving Marco $10.00. The remark was as prepared as the audience because Rubio’s people had planted screamers to react to everything Marco said. It was annoying. This was supposed to be a debate, not Beatlemania.

But Marco came out swinging at Trump. He attacked him for his fortune, his taxes, his hiring illegals, his fake university, his lawsuits, donating to Democrats and charities (Republicans are so terrible that donating to charitable causes will be used agaist you), his bankruptcies,, his lack of specifics, and I’m kinda surprised he didn’t squeeze a “your mama is so ugly” in there somewhere. He hit Trump on issues that aren’t new, some out there for over a decade. Someone discovered Google.

Cruz was more than happy to join the pile-on. The thing is, where was this before? Why did they wait until the tenth debate to go hard against Trump? Rubio has yet to win a primary or a caucus and he’s behind Trump by double digits in his home state of Florida. Cruz is barely leading Trump in his state of Texas and has a lead in Arkansas, but that’s it. Did they do a Christie and hurt Trump without helping themselves? Quite possible. If Rubio loses Florida, it’s over for him. If he wins Florida, which is over two weeks from now and several primaries away, and half the delegates are already gone…it’s still probably over. Rubio might actually working on Campaign 2020 at this point.

For Trump, who states he can shoot a guy and his supporters will still love him, will any attack hurt him? Plus, people may not really interpret anything that was said as it was mostly inaudible as all three guys were talking over each other most of the night. Trump’s defense against his rivals were that Cruz is a liar and a basketcase and Rubio suffers from meltdowns.

Oh yeah, John Kasich and Dr. Ben Carson were also on the stage. Kasich, who is NOT a moderate, is the most qualified and prepared for the presidency out of all these guys. Carson, desperate for time, begged for someone to attack him. Seriously.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

Planned Targeting


cjones01272016

The Center For Medical Progress created a sting operation and videos as bogus as their name. Their accusations that Planned Parenthood was selling and profiting from body parts of aborted children turned out to be a total lie and cleared by eleven state investigations. A Houston grand jury was the latest investigation and instead of delivering indictments on Planned Parenthood, they dished them out to David Daleiden, the head of the faker organization, and one of his colleagues, Sandra Merritt, on a felony charge for using fake driver’s licenses to gain access to a Planned Parenthood facility in Texas. Daleiden was also indicted on a misdemeanor count related to purchasing human organs; Planned Parenthood says it turned down an “astronomical amount” offered by Daleiden to procure fetal organs.

Karma.

Daleiden uses the defense that he uses the same tactics as journalists. Wrong. Journalism is not about presenting misinformation, no matter what the right wing believes (except on Fox News. There it will get you your own show). It’s also not about activism.

Daleiden’s agenda is to destroy Planned Parenthood. Unfortunately for him Planned Parenthood is operating within the law so to turn public opinion away from supporting the PP, he made stuff up. The majority of Americans support government funding for PP. If you’re a realist, even if you’re anti-choice, you would realize that PP actually decreases the amount of abortions in this country.

If you’re right and your argument is just and valid, then you shouldn’t have to lie. That’s the journalism part Daleiden doesn’t understand. If he gets locked up then he’ll plenty of time to think about it. Maybe he can share a cell with the guy who was so inspired by his videos that he shot up a clinic in Colorado.

Despite the indictments and the many investigations that have cleared PP, several presidential candidates are continuing with the lie. The most egregious being Carly Fiorina (who lies about EVERYTHING) and abducted children for an anti-choice speech and photo-op. Joining her in the lying liars club is Mike Huckabee, Marco Rubio, John Kasich, and Ted Cruz. Maybe Planned Parenthood will look into suing these people for slander and defamation. I think they have a case.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

Texas Twister Containment


cjones12302015

I have four newspaper clients in Texas. I hope I still have four after this cartoon.

Texas is a place full of issues. It’s a fun place for their political cartoonists. Many Texas conservatives believed in a conspiracy that Obama was going to invade and annex the state, despite it already being a state. They had that biker shootout a few months ago. The “affluenza” kid is a case in Texas. To top it all off they have a Senator who’s against federal emergency aid for disasters, unless the aid is to go to Texas. Maybe Ted Cruz can use the new open carry gun law in Texas to fight future disasters.

On top of everything Texas is responsible for, I was born there.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!