Texas

Texas Poo Step


cjones03072021

Texas Governor Greg Abbott, who is working hard to be even worse than Rick Perry, has decided the coronavirus pandemic is over and life can return to normal for Texans, or at least for those who didn’t die from the virus or freeze to death from last month’s abnormal cold snap.

The governor has reopened the state entirely without any limitations. This means you can sit at a bar inches next to a stranger. You can get a tattoo of Troy Aikman’s face above your butt crack. You can lick a stranger’s face while on a bus in Houston. You can now cough into the faces of your fellow gun enthusiasts while at the ammo store. You can dine inside a barbeque restaurant and eat barbeque that’s not as good as Memphis barbeque but still better than that North Carolina vinegar-based shit. You can hug your right-wing buddies at the border while looking at the spot where Donald Trump’s wall was never built that Mexico didn’t pay for. You can go to a strip club and have your eye poked out while receiving a lap dance from a girl named “Candy” who has a Russian accent. You can go to Amarillo and ask, “Why the fuck does anyone go to Amarillo?”. You can sit next to an ugly stranger on an international flight to Cancun and listen to him blame the trip on his daughters. Yes, life is returning to normal in Texas which means they’ll soon resume executing people with mental retardation on death row. Texas is a very special place. Sometimes, people in Florida look at Texas and say, “Damn.”

Everyone can sympathize that businesses want to get back to business. Everyone wants to go back to work, even those making just $7.25 an hour which is the minimum wage in Texas (even Florida raised theirs to $8.56). So the governor hastily has reopened the state…but at least that face mask mandate is still in effect. Do what now? He rescinded that too?

Greg Abbott has lifted the mask mandate which is an appeal to everyone who has politicized the virus or doesn’t believe it actually exists. This is also a good way to get people to stop talking about the freeze in the state last month where at least four million people lost power and many lost their lives. The state is still trying to count the deaths with some saying it was around 40 statewide while other officials say there were 86 deaths in Austin alone.

Now, we’re finding out that the governor, who is NOT a doctor or a scientist didn’t speak to any doctors or scientists when making his decision about reopening the state and removing the mask mandate. The governor has a team of four medical advisors and when told what the governor had done, each of them said, “He did what now? Holy fuckballs, I’m moving to Florida!”

I lied. He did talk to one out of the four and that one said it was probably a bad idea. Probably? President Joe Biden accused Abbott of “Neanderthal thinking.” And with all known variants of the coronavirus floating around Houston, the fourth largest city in the nation, removing face masks now is a Neanderthal move.

Texans seems to like putting idiots into power. Greg Abbott accused President Obama of “invading” Texas. During the power outage, he blamed the Green New Deal, which doesn’t exist. Then, he blamed the outage on wind turbines freezing. Wind turbines did freeze, but do you really believe the bulk of Texas’s power comes from green energy? What else do you believe, the Cowboys will win the Super Bowl next year? Wind turbines only account for about 13% of Texas energy and they don’t freeze in Greenland so, try again, Abbott. And then, everyone who didn’t lose power got $9,000 electric bills and said, “Holy fuckballs, I’m moving to Florida.”

Funny thing about all those electric bills: Republicans are all like, “Hey, federal government. Help those people with their bills” because the power companies have to get paid. There’s no talk of the power companies helping anyone.

Texas lost power because its power grid was deregulated. They didn’t want the federal government telling them how to do their power, so a few decades ago, they removed most of their power grids from being connected to other states. Defenders say we need to give this deregulated system of power grids time to stabilize, ignoring that it’s been about three decades already. Then, this state that talks about seceding and that they don’t need no federal control goes crying to the federal government for help anytime the wind whips up a little. Look at Ted Cruz for example. This guy votes against funding when blue states get hit by hurricanes yet begs for federal money every year when a hurricane hits Texas.

This is the state that deregulates everything, tells the nation’s businesses to come to Texas, especially if they’re from California, then has to investigate why a manure plant exploded and killed 15 people.

Yes, Texas? Why are your power grids freezing and your shit factories exploding? Since he’s full of shit, how come Ted Cruz never explodes?

If Texas was its own country, it would be a third-world nation. It would be controlled by climate-change-denying idiots…and Cowboy fans.

I want life to return to normal just as much as anyone else. We liberals do not want businesses to die. We don’t want the economy ruined. We want kids back in school just as bad as everyone else wants it. There are no parents with kids at home saying, “Boy, I hope schools never reopen. This has been so much fun having these kids in my face every single minute where I can’t even shut the bathroom door for three seconds without someone banging on it screaming, MOM!!!!” and…”

And just because conservatives base every decision on “making liberals cry,” that doesn’t mean we’re for face mask mandates because it makes you cry. We don’t need to make you cry. From Mr. Potato Head, to Muppets, to Dr. Seuss, to the WAP song, you cry about everything. We want people to stop dying, even the crying Neanderthals who couldn’t make a P get W A if their lives depended on it.

The best way to reopen everything is if we get rid of this virus. That means everyone should be vaccinated, stay six feet apart from each other, and keep your fucking face mask on your fucking face, fucker.

Of course, another good way to get rid of this virus is if we get rid of Republicans.

If you are in Texas, ignore your government. They’re stupid. Keep your mask on. Continue to practice social distancing. Listen to President Joe Biden. Listen to Dr. Another Fauci. Listen to Dolly Parton. DON’T listen to Ted Cruz. Stop rooting for the Cowboys.

And if you’re in Texas, watch where you step because there’s a lot of Republican bullshit.

Creative note: This cartoon began as they all do, in my head. And while it was in my head, all the speech balloons were coming from Greg Abbott. But then I had the fear people would think the “watch where you step” line was a cheap crack at him for being in a wheelchair. I’m not above delivering a cheap shot when I feel it fits, but not over something like that. So this morning, the cow pie concept came to me and I decided to go that route even though I normally HATE drawing feces and urine. Ew. A lot of cartoonists do it but I’m just not a fan of it. This is another example of me breaking my own rules.

Other note: I know you’re googling the WAP song.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: I have SEVEN copies of my book in stock, which I’m selling for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

Watch me draw:

Cancun Cruz


cjones02222021

Now, before you get upset and infuriated with Ted Cruz for going on a sunny vacation with his family in Cancun (in case you’re a Republican, that’s in Mexico), keep in mind, he’s a goon. Additionally, he’s a slimy shady disingenuous shitweasel who is as fake as they come. He just hasn’t received the memo yet.

And, what’s with these goons hate-mongering on immigrants from Mexico taking vacations in Mexico? They’re not good enough to come to our country but he’s good enough to go to theirs? I expect some politician in Mexico to run for president on the campaign of building a wall to keep Ted Cruz out. I would get a really tall ladder, climb over the wall, illegally immigrate to Mexico, then illegally vote in that nation’s election to help that guy win.

Anyway, while Texas is freezing and up to four million of his constituents have been without power with some people dying, Ted has been in Cancun where it’s nice and warm. The biggest danger Ted has from the cold in Cancun is getting a brain freeze from his banana monkey.

You might think, “Well it’s not his fault this happened while he was on vacation, and you, cartoon boy, are not being fair.” But it didn’t happen while he was in Cancun. It didn’t even happen while he was in line at the airport. The freeze happened a couple of days before he left. Also, let’s not forget we’re in a pandemic and we’re trying to be responsible and discourage all travel except for the most important of reasons…not because Ted wants to sip a banana monkey on the beach (I just looked that drink up today, by the way. It looks delicious and I’m willing to try it as long as it doesn’t actually contain bits of real monkeys).

Ted was elected to represent every single person in the state of Texas. So while it’s going through a natural disaster, perhaps he should actually be in Texas. Not in Washington, D.C. and definitely not out of the country on a tropical vacation.

And imagine if you’re in the tourism industry in Mexico. You’re all like, “Oh no. Business is dying because of this pandemic. Please, God. Send us American tourists. Any American tourists. Wait. What’s that? Is it an American tourist? Yes! It is an American tourist! Why, it’s….oh fuck.”

And what has the guy Texas chose Cruz over been doing during this freeze? Beto O’Rourke has been part of a group that has called over 150,000 people, getting them to warming centers, and making sure they have food. Ted? He’s trying to recover from getting caught vacationing during a natural disaster freezing his state. While everyone else’s have been freezing, Ted’ cojones have been warm and snugly (sorry I put the image of Ted Cruz’s hot and sweaty cojones in your brain). Ted Cruz is ignoring the worst thing to happen to Texas since it elected Ted Cruz.

Naturally, after being caught, Ted is on the first flight out of Cancun…to the Bahamas. Just kidding. He’s going back to Texas. Don’t you just love that he wants to do his job AFTER everybody catches him? And, his excuse? He blamed his daughters.

These are the same daughters he used in a political ad (reading a script attacking Hillary Clinton), then got all indignant and accused those who criticized it of inserting his daughters into politics. He used an Ann Telnaes cartoon of it (she’s brilliant) in a fundraising letter.

Ted issued a statement explaining his daughters wanted to take a trip with friends, what with school canceled and all. Uh, and did Ted check to see why school was canceled? So, Ted’s poor daughters were all like “Please, father, let us go to Cancun during a pandemic.” And Ted, seeing that his children had suffered immensely from being forced to be the stars of his 2016 anti-Hillary ad, decided his girls needed to go to Cancun. And a great coincidence happened in that the girls’ friends picked out a resort that Ted and the family have stayed in before. But, Ted never intended to stay during this vacation. It was always his plan to fly to Cancun with the wife and the girls to make sure they settled in OK, and then after spending one evening in Cancun, fly to Houston to help save his constituents from freezing or having to crawl inside a tauntaun.

I call bullshit and I’m going to call bullshit again as soon as the photos come out of his staged photo-ops him pretending to help people. These pictures will be almost as genuine and believable as those photos of Melania gardening in a dress and high heels. Maybe Ted will wear high heels…and this time, he’ll be the hoe.

And right now, someone at George Bush Intercontinental Airport (seriously, that’s the name of it) is saying, “If only someone from Washington, D.C. would come to Texas and help us recover from this winter storm that’s killing our people and…wait. Is that someone from Washington approaching? They’re coming to help us! Yes! It is! It’s help from Washington! Why, it’s….Oh fuck!”

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: I have 10 copies of my book in stock, which I’m selling for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

Watch me draw:

Moo Deregulations


cjones02192021

In case you live in Florida, southern California, or Hawaii, there’s a major winter storm whipping across most of the nation. It’s even hitting the southern states where snow is less welcome than Yankee agitators and instant grits. And if you live in Texas, I’m so sorry.

Texas is unique in a lot of ways, but also in how they operate power. Their power grid is not connected to other states. It’s totally independent of other states. And with this winter storm hitting the state, over four million people went without power Monday and Tuesday. Whom does Texas blame? Wind turbines. Last summer when California had this same problem during a heat wave, Texas scoffed and blamed liberals.

Texas conservatives, climate change denialists, and people who are anti-clean energy (which is most of Texas) say the wind turbines froze so four million people went without power and people died. Really? Is that what happened, Slim?

Cartoonist Antonio Branco, a staunch pro-Trump Qanon cartoonist whose work is distributed by Creators Syndicate, published a cartoon this morning blaming wind turbines. In the cartoon, the fault for Texas’ power outage is blamed on windmills, climate change believers, President Joe Biden and Vice-President Kamala Harris. Now keep in mind, and I say this with all due respect, Branco is an idiot.

The thing is, if you’re a conservative cartoonist, you don’t need facts. You don’t even need to read the story…just read the headline of your daily talking points. It’s bad enough when a stupid cartoonist in a cult doesn’t rely on facts and science, but it’s even worse when a congressman does it.

Texas Representative Dan Crenshaw (guess which party he’s in) tweeted, “This is what happens when you force the grid to rely in part on wind as a power source. When weather conditions get bad as they did this week, intermittent renewable energy like wind isn’t there when you need it.”

With all due respect, Crenshaw is an idiot. Or if he’s not an idiot and he knows wind turbines aren’t too blame, then shouldn’t he at least be honest with his constituents? I understand since he’s a Texas Republican, that a lot of his campaign money comes from oil and PACS that anti having any sort of climate, but shouldn’t a member of the United States House of Representatives put aside his personal greedy interests and focus on his constituents first? I’m sorry. I forgot we were talking about Republicans.

And honestly, Mr. Crenshaw, Danny boy, Texas did NOT run out of wind this week.

Tucker Carlson said in his usual Tucker style, “So it was all working great until the day it got cold outside. The windmills failed like the silly fashion accessories they are, and people in Texas died.” With all due respect, Tucker Carlson is an idiot. Something tells me Branco watches Tucker.

The thing is, we’re talking about Texas. Do you really believe Texas’ energy is all run by wind turbines and solar panels? Wind turbines only account for 13 percent of the state’s energy production according to ERCOT, the Electric Reliability Council of Texas. And even then, while wind turbines do freeze, they are being used in places like Maine, Canada, Scandinavia, Siberia etc. If you get a wind turbine to keep working during winter in Greenland, you should be able to keep them churning in Texas.

You can NOT blame wind for the power outage in Texas. Also, while we’re on the subject: Stop with the turbines-bird-killing argument. First off, you’re a conservative. You’re not going to convince me that you suddenly care about birds now. Also, cats kill more birds each year than wind turbines do. Fact.

Back to the power outage in Texas, what really happened? It was cats. Sorry. No. It was the inability of Texas power grids, mostly using fossil fuels, being unable to keep up with demand.

It comes down to this: Texas deregulated energy grids and power companies. Texas deregulates everything. It’s why there are occasional fertilizer plant explosions that kill 15 people in Texas.

But with power, Texas counts on the weather not getting too cold, so they can sell a lot of power cheaply. When it does get cold, like really cold, it can be very hard to produce energy. Texas decided it was worth it to sell cheap energy with the tradeoff being that every ten years or so, everybody’s power goes out and grandma freezes to death.

There are no incentives for power companies in Texas to prepare for winter. It’s all cheap. Governor Greg Abbott was screaming this week for reform to the power grids, but Abbot’s been governor since 2015. He waited six years and for a cold snap before he calls for reforms? That’s how they do it in Texas. And when that cold snap hits, you can be fucked. When it gets back to the 60s next week, Texas will forget about this. The state legislature is planning to conduct committee hearings on the problem, but by the time they get started, the hearings will be held in an Austin broom closet.

Houston saw the wholesale prices of megawatt-hours go from $22 to over $9,000. Griddy, which sounds like a fast food flapjack restaurant, but is actually a company that sells power to retail customers without locking in prices in advance, told its customers to find another source before they got “socked with tremendous bills.”

Do you know what happens when your bill goes from $22 to $9,000? You don’t have power. Edward Hirs, an energy fellow at the University of Houston, said the disinvestment in electricity production reminds him of the last years of the Soviet Union, or of the oil sector today in Venezuela. “They hate it when I say that,” he said.

And Texans would rather blame wind turbines or Kamala Harris than even look at the actual problem. And honestly, I’m surprised they haven’t blamed it on Mexicans. And a lot of people in Texas keep talking about seceding and becoming their own nation while they can barely tie their own shoelaces.

Energy is part of our infrastructure, like roads and bridges. A lot of our plants are outdated. Even one nuclear plant in Texas lost power earlier this week because of the cold. Unfortunately, to fix things, it costs money. If you own a house or a car, you know this.

What Texas needs to do is deregulate their deregulation. They’re going to have to charge higher prices to reform their energy sector. Also, maybe rely more on alternative energy like, oh…I don’t know…maybe wind turbines? How about solar energy? Contrary to fucknut beliefs, solar works on rays from the sun, not heat. Solar does work when it’s cold. Somebody go tell Congressman Crenshaw.

But, hey. It’s OK if you don’t reform your power grids in Texas as long as you accept that occasionally, you’re gonna lose power and freeze unless you sleep with the cattle. And why not? You’re already full of bullshit.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: I have 10 copies of my book in stock, which I’m selling for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

Watch me draw:

Yippe Ki Yay


CNN12132020

Here’s your cartoon for this week’s CNN Opinion newsletter. Please sign up to get these in your inbox every Sunday.

I forgot about posting this again, so here goes.

States that are still oppressing votes of their black citizens shouldn’t start questioning how other states conduct elections. Texas needs to stay in their wheelhouse.

If Texas wants to tell us how to do Tex-Mex food, fine. If they want to teach us about underachieving football teams, they got that covered. If you need solid information on big hats, talk to Texas. If you want expert advice on how to destroy every environmental regulation, go to Texas. If they want to teach a course on electing the creepiest ugly fucker ever to the United States Senate, they’re experts on the subject.

But how to run an election? I don’t want Texas talking to me. I want to talk to Texas. I want to tell them to drink a tall glass of shut the hell up because when it comes to free and fair elections, Texas is all hat and no cattle. I’d rather get election advice from the cattle than from Texas. When it comes to running elections, Texas is full of bullshit.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. And since someone asked this morning, yes. You can still get a signed print for $40.

Watch me draw:

Supreme Fail


cjones12132020

They do like to do everything bigger in Texas. With their lawsuit trying to overturn an American election and throw out democracy, Texas got the biggest humiliation from the Supreme Court ever when they got their suit thrown out late yesterday afternoon.

Their lawsuit was the biggest fraud. It was the biggest attempt to subvert American democracy. It was the biggest vote steal attempt in American history. It was the biggest suck-up to a cult leader in history. It was the biggest grab for fascism in our nation’s history. Way to go, Texas. You are the biggest loser…other than Trump, of course.

The lawsuit wasn’t just flawed on legal grounds. It was stupid. Lawyers and legal experts lose lawsuits all the time but here, we have 19 state attorneys general who were wrong to even bring this suit, to support it, to champion it, to even believe in it. Over 120 House Republicans signed onto this. A lot of them are lawyers. They’re lawmakers. How do they explain being so wrong? How do they explain being a part of something so botched and moronic? How do they explain seeking to destroy democracy?

The Orlando Sentinel endorsed Republican Michael Waltz. This week, they retracted their endorsement stating they had no idea, no way of knowing at the time that Waltz would not be “committed to democracy.” They also attacked Waltz and the other Republican House members for joining the Trump lawsuit citing their “cowardly betrayal” and willingness to “undo 231 years of election tradition and norms so their guy, Donald Trump, can have another four years in office.”

They lost an election and they’re trying to overturn it. They’re trying to throw out the legal votes of over 20 million voters. They’re trying to steal an election. They’re trying to turn the presidency into a monarchy. They’re trying to turn our democracy into a fascist state. All of that…is wrong.

This suit was ridiculous. One argument was that no candidate has ever won the presidency without winning Ohio and Florida. That argument is as sound as no NFL team has ever won the Super Bowl with a bird logo on their helmet (that used to be true), so the Eagles, Seahawks, or Atlanta Falcons could never win a Super Bowl. That’s only true for the Falcons. The Trump argument is only a peculiar note for political analysts and political scientists to obsess over. And…it’s not even true. Richard Nixon won the White House while losing Ohio and Florida. You would think these lawyers, especially an attorney general, would fucking look that up before making it part of his lawsuit. You would think an attorney general would understand it’s NOT a legal argument.

Also, just because something’s never happened before doesn’t mean it won’t. Back in 1992, critics told Bill Clinton no one has ever won the presidency after losing the New Hampshire primary. Back in 2016, we also noted this nation has never before elected a racist Oompa-Loompa.

The lawsuit included the claim, “The probability of former Vice President Biden winning the popular vote in the four Defendant States — Georgia, Michigan, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin — independently given President Trump’s early lead in those States as of 3 a.m. on November 4, 2020, is less than one in a quadrillion, or 1 in 1,000,000,000,000,000.”

That spread like wildfire on Facebook and even Kayleigh McEnany, who has a history of lying, being wrong, and making stupid statements, repeated it. The fact is, it’s wrong.

The fact is: Donald Trump was never in the lead in those states. While it looked like he had the lead because officials counted same-day ballots and Trump regions first, mail-in and absentee ballots were there the entire time. You should not be surprised when mail-in, absentee, and votes from urban areas are counted last and go to the Democratic candidate. Those people tend to be educated voters. They tend to go Democratic. If you want it explained fully why the argument is wrong, go to Politifact, which does a great job summing it up.

Kayleigh McEnany may as well argue that Joe Biden only had one chance in a bazillion, frillion, schillion, kajillions, fudgezillion, walla-falla-ding-dongzillion, diggity-doggityzillion, Kelly Clarksonzillion.

Donald Trump has made a LOT of dumbass arguments since losing the election. One of my favorites is the “bookies” argument. The what?

A few days ago, Trump tweeted, “At 10 p.m. on Election Evening, we were at 97% win with the so-called ‘bookies.'” What?

This casino-failure doesn’t just think right-wing farty lawyers, Qanon fucknuts, or Vladimir Putin should decide the election. He thinks it should be given to the bookies. And, again he’s wrong.

At 10:00 p.m. on election night, oddsmakers said Trump’s chances of victory were at 74.2%. Oddschecker.com, which I didn’t know was a thing until now, tweeted at Trump, “Seeing as we’re the experts in this, here’s the truth. Just after midnight your odds implied a 69% chance you’d win.”

Was Donald Trump looking at bookie websites on election night?

But let’s take Trump’s argument seriously for a second. Ha. I know. But anyway…based on his reasoning, his victory over Hillary Clinton was a fraud. Oddsmakers, political analysts, so-called experts, and even me, predicted she would win in 2016. Those same people, including me, predicted Joe Biden would win in 2020. Why bother with elections when we can just go with the oddsmakers…or me? In 2024, I predict the winner of the presidential race will be…Kelly Clarkson.

The Electoral College will meet Monday and the 538 electors will choose the next president of the United States. That will be Joe Biden. Expect some Republican shenanigans to occur. On January 6, 2021, each vote is cast in Congress. Each state is called alphabetically and that state’s Certificate of Vote is announced and recorded. When they are finished, the vice-president, Mike Pence, will announce the results and the winner. Watching Pence have to announce that Joe Biden won is going to be a money moment on TV. He’ll probably mumble it or flat-out refuse to say it. Expect Republican shenanigans and bullshit because they’re pretty much out of options at this point…other than just a simple old-fashioned third-world banana-republic military coup.

When you look at the lawsuit, you realize everyone supporting it is too stupid to be in elected office. Unfortunately, there’s a shitload of them remaining as attorneys generals in 18 states and over 100 of them in Congress. Look at Matt Gaetz, Louie Gohmert, Gym Jordan, Lindsey Graham, Ted Cruz, or Marco Rubio. We elect a lot of spineless, hypocritical stupid fucks to office.

The good news is: Donald Trump, who is too stupid to hold political office, will not have one after January 20.

That’s because Donald Trump is a loser. If you don’t believe me, ask the Supreme Court.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. And since someone asked this morning, yes. You can still get a signed print for $40.

Watch me draw.

Ugly Christmas Lawyer


cjones12112020

If Green Acres’ Mr. Haney and Grandpa Munster got busy and had a hate baby, it would be Ted Cruz…if it was born in Canada.

Ted Cruz is a disgusting, slimy, skeezy, smarmy, pompous, vile excuse of a human being, but let me tell you how I really feel about him. The man has zero principles, morals, or loyalty. Donald Trump accused his father of murdering JFK and called his wife ugly, yet Ted Cruz is on the Trump train. One thing I don’t get about Texas, the state I was born in, is why they reelected a man who became a groveler to the guy who insulted his father and his wife.

During the 2016 Republican primaries, Ted Cruz called Donald Trump a “sniveling coward,” a “pathological liar,” “utterly amoral,” a “narcissist,” “nuts,” “kooky,” a “big, loud New York bully,” a “serial philanderer,” and a “small and petty man who is intimidated by strong women.” After Donald Trump won the nomination, Ted Cruz said, “I am not in the habit of supporting people who attack my wife and attack my father.” He also said, “If you slander and attack Heidi, I’m not going to nonetheless go like a servile puppy dog and support him.”

And then, Ted Cruz went like a servile puppy dog and supported him. In 2018, he wrote a gushing article for Time Magazine praising Trump and his “achievements.” When Donald Trump was impeached, Ted Cruz was one of Donald Trump’s biggest defenders.

Everything Ted Cruz said about Donald Trump during the 2016 primaries was true. It’s about the only time he’s ever been correct. And during that same period was the only time Donald Trump has ever been correct…when he brandished Cruz as “Lying Ted.” The thing is, both men fit almost every accusation the other has made. Both men are vile creatures without morals or principles.

While ignoring that Donald Trump never had evidence against Hunter Biden engaging in corrupt or illegal dealings in Ukraine, Ted Cruz yelled there was no evidence of Donald Trump committing a crime when he asked Ukraine to give him dirt on his political opponent, Joe Biden. And now, Ted Cruz is arguing that we should invalidate a national election, the will of the people, without having any evidence of any mass voter fraud. None. Zip. Nada.

Trump wanted dirt on Biden because he knew Biden could beat him in the election and limit him to being a one-term president. Joe Biden defeated Donald Trump and limited him to being a one-term president. The amazingly stupid thing is, nine out of ten Republicans don’t realize that.

Joe Biden received 306 electoral votes. You only need 270 to win the presidency. Joe Biden won the election. Now, in a last gasp hail Mary lawsuit, Texas is suing Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, Michigan, and Georgia for electing Joe Biden. If that sounds ridiculous, it’s because it is. What else is ridiculous is that Donald Trump wants Ted Cruz to argue the case before the Supreme Court.

The first issue is, it may not even be heard in the Supreme Court. Texas has taken its lawsuit straight to the Supreme Court, but you have to get permission from the court first and show there’s no other place to resolve the issue. This issue has already been resolved in lower courts…as in thrown out multiple times for being utter and complete bullshit.

What Texas is arguing is that the four states violated national and their own election laws and used the coronavirus pandemic as an excuse. Other suits have made the same charges…other suits that have been thrown out of lower courts. This case has been heard and thrown out over 30 times for lack of evidence. To put it another way: Lawyers have only brought complete bullshit to the courts. What’s puzzling is why the top lawyer in Texas thinks this is a case. Even more puzzling, why do the top lawyers in 17 other states think this is a case? Why would all these attorneys general sign on to a case put together so sloppily, the Texas AG didn’t even do the math for it?

The lawsuit wants to throw out and invalidate the votes of 20 million Americans. The lawsuit states that there are 72 electoral votes combined from these four states. But the electoral votes from Georgia, Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, and Michigan only amount to 62. Somebody buy Ken Paxton, the Texas AG, a calculator.

There are multiple problems with this case other than bad math, lack of evidence, wrong court, the case has already been tried multiple times, all the lawyers are fucking morons, etc. etc. The biggest problem may be that states conduct their own elections. Texas argues this affects who controls the senate, as Kamala Harris will be the tiebreaker if Georgia sends two Democrats in January, so this affects Texas. But for that matter, since Ted Cruz only beat Beto O’Rourke 50.9 to 48.3 percent in 2018, can’t blue states sue Texas for the way it ran its election? Ted Cruz shut down the government which affected every state. Right? Also, Ted Cruz is icky.

If this lawsuit flies in the Supreme Court, then any state can sue any other state over whom they send to the United States Senate.

Can we sue Kentucky for Mitch McConnell? Can we sue Kentucky because Rand Paul is such an asshole, people can’t stop themselves from physically assaulting him? Can we sue Florida for giving us a senator who looks like Voldemort? Can we sue Florida for giving us an idiot like Marco Rubio? Can we sue Mississippi for giving us a senator who is such a racist, she jokes about lynching? Can we sue Arkansas for Tom Cotton, a senator who tried to subvert U.S. foreign policy during the Obama administration by sending threatening letters to the Iranian government? Can we sue South Carolina for ass-kissing hypocrite Lindsey Graham? If nothing else, we’ll be saving these states from themselves.

Look at it this way: More Americans vote for Democratic candidates for the U.S. Senate than they do for GOP candidates, yet the GOP controls the Senate…and the GOP stole a Supreme Court seat from President Obama, placed another on the Supreme Court accused of attempted rape, and then stole another seat from President Biden. Those justices will be on the highest court in the land for decades. That affects all of us whether you live in dumbass Texas and stupid ass Florida or New York, California, and Virginia where educated people vote. Let’s sue those fuckers.

Another problem with this lawsuit is the Constitution…which Republicans love to use when they call themselves “Constitutionalists.” The Constitution says all the electors from each state must meet on the SAME DAY. This year, that day is December 14. If you’re a Republican, I know you’re bad at math, but that’s four days from now. Also in case you’re a Republican, if it’s Monday in New York, it’s also Monday in Texas. You’re going to invalidate 20 million votes in four states and take 62 (not 72) electoral votes from the winner, Joe Biden, and give them to the loser, Donald Trump, within the next four days? And two of those days are on the weekend.

Each of these states has certified its election results. Guess what. So has Texas. So have all the other 17 states sending briefs in support of Texas. They want all their certifications to stand while decertifying the votes in four other states? That’s hypocrisy…but then again, they are Republicans. Maybe we can sue all these states, all of whom voted for Trump, and challenge their elections. Maybe we should sue to recount the vote in Texas four times. Our argument can be: There is no way there are that many stupid people in Texas.

On top of all this, Ken Paxton, the idiot lawyer bringing this case, is under indictment for security fraud and has been accused of bribery. So of course Donald Trump loves this guy. But this may be more of a press release than an actual lawsuit. Paxton could be angling for a presidential pardon. He’ll be at the White House today and I wonder if it’ll come up. But what’s in it for the other 17 red-state lawyers? To kiss Trump’s ass? To pander to their voters? Or are they all less informed of the law and legal procedures than a political cartoonist?

Now, Trump has joined the lawsuit but we already know he’s an idiot. He’s such an idiot, that the guy he wants to argue this case before the Supreme Court is the same guy he labeled “Lying Ted.”

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. And since someone asked this morning, yes. You can still get a signed print for $40.

Watch me draw:

Y’all Qaeda


cjones11062020

As you probably saw on the news, Trump rednecks were harassing a Biden/Harris campaign bus in Texas. They surrounded the bus, were waving weapons, and one vehicle was nearly ran off the road. Donald Trump is upset the FBI is “investigating” it.

Here’s a tip, kids: If you’re going to do anything bad, do it while wearing a MAGA hat. You won’t be arrested immediately because the authorities will have to “investigate” it before any arrests are made. Even with this situation in Texas, they’re looking to see if the Biden/Harris people are at fault for having their bus surrounded by Trump goobers. His truck looked at my truck funny.

Donald Trump even claimed the MAGAt convoy was “protecting” the Biden/Harris bus. And he tweeted out a video of the incident with, “I love Texas.”

Don Jr. encouraged them to stage the attack. Marco Rubio shouted at a MAGA rally, “We love what they do!”

In other locations, the MAGAts on wheels are blocking roads and shutting down bridges. Have there been any arrests? That’s not rhetorical. Have there been any arrests?

This is what the Trump era has brought us. If you don’t like what someone has to say, run ’em off the road.

Meanwhile, the MAGAts at a MAGA rally chanted, “Fire Fauci.” Donald Trump said to wait and see what happens after the election. Why after? Because he’s a coward and is afraid that if he does it before, it’ll hurt him? Or, is he saying “after” because he’s lying to his people? Is he giving them false hate hope?

Donald Trump supporters are the worst of America.

But let’s be honest. We’re all a little surprised it hasn’t been worse than this. The day’s not over yet. I expect the worst to happen between after all the votes are counted and the inauguration.

This is all your getting for a blog today because the Live Blog is tonight. I gotta rest up.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first. But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

Sharia Republicans


cjones01172019

The Republican Party has been struggling to attract members and voters who aren’t white or Christian. Well, they’re not actually struggling because they’re not really trying to attract people who aren’t white Christians. Or if they are, they’re doing a very bad job with it.

Iowa Republican congressman Steve King has a history of racism. Last Thursday, King defended white supremacy in an interview with The New York Times.

In that interview, he said, “White nationalist, white supremacist, Western civilization — how did that language become offensive? Why did I sit in classes teaching me about the merits of our history and our civilization?”

In the past, King has compared immigrants to dogs, endorsed a neo-Nazi for office, and has openly flirted with fascism. While Republicans admonish his comments, they don’t do anything to punish him. Instead, Republicans attempted to punish one of their own for his religion.

The vice-chairman of the Tarrant County Republican Party in Texas is a Muslim immigrant. Dr. Shahid Shafi came to the U.S. in 1990 and became a naturalized citizen in 2009. After he was appointed to his post, a small faction attempted to oust him. They held a vote to remove him merely because he is a Muslim. The vote failed 49-139.

Republicans may point at the failure to remove Dr. Shafi as proof they’ve come a long way with tolerance. Because they are Republicans, they don’t understand their failure is that they even held the vote.

While Democrats are electing Muslims, Republicans are trying to kick them out of their party. Those who were in favor of Shafi’s removal said he’s unequipped to be vice-chairman because he doesn’t represent all Tarrant County Republicans due to his religion. They’ve also said Islamic ideologies run counter to the U.S. Constitution.

No. Persecuting someone because of their religion runs counter to the U.S. Constitution. While a party isn’t required to ban religious tests, the Constitution clearly does so for public office. A clause in Article Six states, “No religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office or public trust under the United States.”

Maybe they should have said his beliefs run counter to the Texas Constitution, except that’s unconstitutional and only requires officeholders to “Acknowledge the existence of a Supreme Being.” I don’t know why “supreme being” is capitalized in their state constitution.

Republicans are so afraid of the myth of Sharia Law in the United States; they’ll enact their own Sharia Law to protect us from Sharia Law.

For context, Muslim Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib’s “MF’er” comment got five times more media coverage than Congressman Steve King’s support of white supremacy. We are literally more outraged at a public official saying “motherfucker” than “white power.” We have a president who defends Nazis and then states that Tlaib “shamed her family.” Personally, I’d rather people in my family say “motherfucker” than defend Nazis.

For example; if they said “We need to get rid of these motherfuckers who endorse and defend Nazis,” I’d be OK with that.

Be Complicit

What kind of person would want to be part of something that disparages, slanders, and disrespects Dear Leader and his sycophantic followers? Hopefully, you. 
Making a contribution supports my work and keeps the cartoons, columns, and videos coming. My income is from newspapers that subscribe to my work and small contributors. George Soros hasn’t sent me a million dollar check in weeks. Making a contribution of any amount, or buying a print for $40.00, makes you part of this specific resistance, and a member of Team Claytoonz (we’re still working on the name). You are complicit, an accomplice, and in cahoots (and whatever gangster terms we can think of) with this political satire pointing out that the stupid emperor has no clothes. Contributions can be made through PayPal, checks, and wads of cash exchanged in back alleys.
Whether you can help support, can’t, or just choose not to, please continue to enjoy and keep reading my work. Thank you!!! 

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

Watch me draw.

Purge To The Moon


cjones11032018

What scares Republicans more than a right-wing racist lie about a diseased caravan full of gang bangers, Islamic terrorists, and immigrants seeking to sponge off American welfare and vote illegally? American minorities who vote. Yikes!

Republicans create lies about millions of illegal voters destroying the integrity of our elections while working overtime to prevent legally eligible Americans from voting. For the past several decades, Republicans have been successful. Today, Republicans hold the majority in the United States Senate despite representing nearly 40 million fewer Americans than Democrats. The 51 Republican senators represents 143 million people while the Democratic Party represents 182 million. How do they do that?

For starters, Republicans represent more small states than Democrats. Every state has two senators (civics 101, people). So, South Dakota’s 563,000 residents have as much representation in the Senate as California’s 40 million residents. Out of the 30 smallest states, the GOP holds 35 seats to the Democrats’ 20. In the 20 largest states, Democrats hold 24 to the GOP’s 16. There are seven states (Alaska, Delaware, Montana, North Dakota, South Dakota, Vermont, and Wyoming) that have more senators than congressional districts. These are the people who are deciding the shape of the Supreme Court for the next 40 years. And people wonder why I have trouble sleeping.

Having an unfair advantage in the system isn’t enough for Republicans. They still have to cheat. Their favorite method of holding more seats in the Senate, House, state legislatures, and governorships is to prevent minorities from voting. They’ve been doing it since the Civil War. The Democrats started it in the South and the Republicans took over in the 1960s. They’re still doing it today.

In Alabama, they closed as many locations as possible where African-Americans could obtain IDs. Basically, they make laws that you need an ID to vote and then make it as difficult as possible to get an ID. Do you know how hard it is to replace an ID? I had to do that last year and I needed my birth certificate (which Texas did not want to give me but gave it to my son. They probably thought I was black) and I had to use a college transcript for my secondary identification. You need IDs (plural) to get an ID. Lesson is; don’t lose your shit (or let a girl take everything that belongs to you).

In a majority-white county in Texas, they’ve been trying to prevent students from black-majority Prairie View University from voting for decades. The GOPs latest trick was to give them two addresses for the school to use as their residence when registering to vote, and later saying they’ll only accept one (Gotcha!). They later said they’d allow both after there were a very loud uproar and media exposure of the suppression attempt. Surprisingly, only one Democrat was arrested for complaining. Seriously.

North Dakota Republicans have successfully purged Native Americans, who typically vote Democratic, from voting by ruling that they need a street address. The GOP Supreme Court was just fine with this. Post Offices usually only deliver mail to P.O. boxes at reservations, so there are no street addresses on their IDs. Does Elizabeth Warren really want to prove she’s Native American? While Donald Trump attacks one, North Dakota attacks all of them.

In Georgia, the Republican Secretary of State has purged 53,000 voter registrations that weren’t “exact matches” with Social Security and state driver records. Out of those 53,000, 70 percent were from black applicants (Surprise!). The Secretary of State, Brian Kemp, was even caught on a leaked audio complaining about high voter turnout. Kemp is the Republican candidate running for governor, and he’s refused to step down as Secretary of State. Basically, he’s the referee of the game he’s playing. It’s like back when my older sister managed the bank while we played Monopoly. I never won and I was always stuck being the shoe.

Dodge City, Kansas, a city with 13,000 voters, only provides one polling place to vote. The average Kansas polling site services 1,200 voters. Now, the city has moved the polling place from the civic center to outside the city limits, and more than a mile from the nearest bus stop. You literally have to get the hell out of Dodge to vote. When the ACLU emailed a complaint to the county clerk, she forwarded it to the Secretary of State with “LOL.” Surprisingly, it wasn’t “bwahahahaha.”

By the way, Kansas’ Secretary of State is Kris Kobach who has a long and distinguished career of working to restrict minority voting under the ruse of illegal aliens voting. In his job, he fought to remove over 20,000 people from voter registrations (and he got seven convictions for voter fraud). He was vice-chair of Donald Trump’s Commission on Election Integrity, which was eventually disbanded as the basis for its existence. The claim of millions of illegal voters turned out to be a lie, and they failed to find any integrity among the members of the Commission of Election Integrity. Guess what Kobach is doing now? Yup. Running for governor.

We are supposed to agree to disagree and respect differences of opinions. But, I refuse to simply disagree when you’re cheating to steal an election and your opinions are repugnant, racist, vile, and based on lies. I can’t respect your opinion when you got it from a Facebook meme.

Republicans vote. Even in races that are tied or Democrats have a slim lead, the Republican candidate is favored because Republicans are better at turning out to vote than Democrats or Independents. That’s why YOU need to get off your ass and vote this coming Tuesday. Don’t let them steal this, because they will. Look at Brett Kavanaugh. They don’t care if there are asterisks as long as they get what they want. Your second lesson of today is; Republicans are corrupt.

The only way we can beat Republicans is if there are more of us participating honestly than there are of them stealing it from us.

Be Complicit
What kind of person would want to be part of something that disparages, slanders, and disrespects Dear Leader and his sycophantic followers? Hopefully, you. 
Making a contribution supports my work and keeps the cartoons, columns, and videos coming. My income is from newspapers that subscribe to my work and small contributors. George Soros hasn’t sent me a million dollar check in weeks. Making a contribution of any amount, or buying a print for $40.00, makes you part of this specific resistance, and a member of Team Claytoonz (we’re still working on the name). You are complicit, an accomplice, and in cahoots (and whatever gangster terms we can think of) with this political satire pointing out that the stupid emperor has no clothes. Contributions can be made through PayPal, checks, and wads of cash exchanged in back alleys.
Whether you can help support, can’t, or just choose not to, please continue to enjoy and keep reading my work. Thank you!!! 

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

Watch me draw.

Beto Vs. Creepo


cjones09202018

Beto O’Rourke, the Democratic candidate for the Texas U.S. Senate seat is being accused of pretending to be Latino by supporters of Senator Ted Cruz, a guy many accuse of pretending to be Caucasian.

O’Rourke is currently representing Texas in Congress. His first name is Robert, which is where the nickname “Beto” came from, as it’s often short for “Roberto” in Mexico. It was targeted in an attack ad by Ted Cruz, whose first name is “Rafael.” Go figure.

Ted Cruz is not a man of principles, ethics, or charm. His campaign also targeted O’Rourke for being likable and made fun of his past skateboarding and playing in a rock band. Whereas, any personality Cruz has is stored in the basement of the Alamo.

Despite being a Republican in deeply red Texas, Cruz is in trouble. He’s seeking help from Donald Trump, a man he once called a “sniveling coward” for accusing his father of being involved in the assassination of JFK, and for making fun of his wife’s looks. Did I mention Cruz doesn’t have principles?

Nobody really likes Ted. Al Franken once said he likes Cruz more than anyone else in the Senate, and he hated Ted Cruz. Lindsey Graham, a fellow Republican, once said you could shoot Cruz on the floor of the Senate and none of his colleagues would convict you.

If Cruz loses his reelection bid for his Senate seat, the GOP would hate losing the seat, but wouldn’t miss Ted.

You can tell a lot about a person who likes Ted Cruz. It’s a sign that you don’t want anything to do with that person.

Your support in the form of donations is appreciated. I am fully independent as I’m not employed by a newspaper or with a major syndicate (leaving one to be independent). It does take a lot of work to provide you with cartoons, columns, and videos almost every day (more than any other political cartoonist), and I don’t charge my clients much at all. If you can, please consider making a financial contribution to keep the fun flowing, or purchase a signed print for $40. Whether you can help support, can’t, or just choose not to, please continue to enjoy and keep reading my work. Thank you!!!

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

Watch me draw.