Cartoons

Naughty With A Long Neck


cjones02242017

April is a giraffe at the Animal Adventure Park in Harpursville, New York. April is expecting a baby. The park is running a live cam of April so the world can watch her give birth. Apparently some people didn’t like it.

The cam is live streaming on Youtube. Some people who hate zoos and animal parks flagged the video for, I’m not making this up, “nudity and sexual content.” They might have a point there because April is indeed naked. And do you know how she got knocked up? By doing it. It was probably unplanned casual giraffe sex. Do we know who the father is? Probably that one giraffe who never calls.

Two things: You really gotta be a sick pervert to think there’s something erotic about a naked giraffe. I know there are bestiality freaks on the internet so, ew. The other thing is, birth is not sexual content. I’ve been in a delivery room and while my son is not a giraffe, I can assure you, there’s nothing that can kill your libido more than a live birth. You’re fortunate if you can even look at those things again.

I do not want to see April give birth. It’s not that I think it’s wrong to show it to the public or I’m against zoos. It’s that I’m a wimp. I never want to see another birth ever again in my life. I don’t even want to watch an egg hatch. I am a squeamish wimp.

I know a lot of people, liberals especially, are against zoos. I’m not one of them. Sure, there are bad zoos and facilities that aren’t responsible. It would be better if every animal was allowed to remain in their natural habitat. But some natural habitats pose serious risks to animals, such as poaching. Also, zoos deserve a lot of credit for preventing several species from becoming extinct.

Back to April: People can be stupid. One of the officials at the park said “This is a perfect example of why we can’t have nice things.” He’s right. It’s because of stupid people. Because of them we can’t allow children to use restrooms without being bullied, can’t have a federal government without Nazis running it, or even have a nice president.

Good luck, April. Try not to stick your neck out too far.

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Trump Tramples Trans


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Donald Trump has rescinded the Obama administration’s rules on bathrooms for transgender students. He wants the decisions on how to handle school bathrooms for transgenders students left up to the states. And why not? We saw how several states worked on civil rights issues back in the 1950s and 60s when they thought it was best left up to them. What could go wrong now?

We’re not deciding speed limits here. These are children. This is a civil rights issue which is an area for the federal government. Not North Carolina, or Mississippi, Alabama, Arkansas, etc.

The decision was passed down by the departments of Justice and Education. Attorney General Jeff Sessions, living up to the fear that he wouldn’t defend civil rights (first he’d have to know what they are), was all for it. Education secretary Betsy DeVos was not in favor of the new rules. She was told to get in line. Exhibiting the backbone required to serve in the Trump administration, DeVos ate the meatloaf.

The safety and security of children should be more important than appeasing the fear of geriatric politicians.

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Once, Twice, Three Times A BLEEP Sandwich


cjones02222017

Today’s blog entry is going to contain the word “shit” about a dozen times, so if you’re offended by that sort of thing then you might wanna wander over to something a bit less tawdry. Sorry for smutting up the internet today.

When Robert Harward refused Trump’s offer to become his national security adviser he declined and cited his current job and time with his family. Friends of his report that he said no because the offer was a “shit sandwich.”

Last week when Chris Christie visited the White House for dinner Trump told everyone to order whatever they want, but he and Chris were going to have the meatloaf. I’m sorry, what?

There’s nothing wrong with a good meatloaf. I make a killer meatloaf. But if a kitchen’s best offering is meatloaf then you’re gonna wanna find another place to eat. Also, Donald Trump eats Big Macs, KFC, and burned steak that’s probably served with ketchup. Do you really want his culinary recommendations?

Chris Christie didn’t eat the meatloaf. Christie ate the shit sandwich. Christie has been eating the shit sandwich ever since he dropped out of the presidential race and endorsed Trump.

Christie, a current governor of a genuine state, has made runs to McDonald’s for Trump. That’s a shit sandwich. He obediently left an event and got on a plane to go home once when Trump told him too. That’s another shit sandwich. He was going to be Trump’s vice president. Once again, shit sandwich. He was leading Trump’s transition team but was kicked out of that position. Maybe we’ll try something other than…nope. Shit sandwich. Christie has been eating a lot of shit sandwiches.

Finally it looked like he was about to get some respect. He was invited to the White House for dinner with the president. That’s usually a high compliment and an acknowledgement that you’re really important, even if that president is Donald Trump. But Christie didn’t get the respect. Instead what he got was being emasculated once again by The Donald.

Trump didn’t want him to eat the meatloaf because it was so damn good. He wanted to show the other guests that Christie would do whatever he tells him to do. He was told to eat the shit sandwich.

Have you ever been told by a friend while at a restaurant that you should order something particular that they loved? They swear it’s awesome. That establishment makes the best Reuben sandwich ever. You believe them and say I’m sure it’s great but I’m more in the mood for the burger tonight. You’re not insulting them. You’re just not a poodle. You eat what you want to eat. Not what people tell you to eat unless it’s your mother (and I don’t care how old you are. If mom fixes you something to eat you better eat it. I don’t care if it’s someone else’s mom. You’re eating it).

Not Chris Christie. Now in Christie’s defense he’ll probably eat anything. But if you’re at the White House and you have choices are you going to eat the meatloaf on your only visit? I can see eating the meatloaf if it’s your tenth trip and you want to change things up. I don’t see eating the meatloaf because Trump commands it. If I went there wanting meatloaf and Trump told me to eat meatloaf, I’d order something else. I’d order chicken and dumplings and I hate chicken and dumplings. It’s that one food that I couldn’t finish when I was a child and was forced to remain at the table until I cleaned my plate. I’d eat chicken and dumplings before I snacked on Trump’s shit sandwich.

While the governor of New Jersey thought he was eating meatloaf, he was actually eating the shit sandwich and he liked it. He went on a radio show to tell the world that Donald Trump’s shit sandwich is the best shit sandwich you could ever eat and he’ll always be eating Trump’s shit sandwiches.

The problem is Trump wants all of us to eat his shit sandwiches. He tells the world the media is the enemy because they won’t eat his shit sandwich. If you’re one of those people who voted for Trump, you ate the shit sandwich. If you’re one of those who are saying “give him a chance,” you’re still eating the shit sandwich.

There are other items on the menu but you’ll probably keep eating that shit sandwich.

No thanks. I’m good. I’ll have what that other president ordered. What was one of Obama’s favorites? Cheeseburgers. Do you recall that conservatives once gave him, well, a lot of shit, for putting mustard on a burger? How dare he not use ketchup. Ketchup is for children and orange presidents. Ketchup is what helps create a shit sandwich.

Creative Notes: I started this cartoon at my local coffee shop but those fuckers closed at midnight (I already wrote “shit” twenty times so one “fucker,” oops, two, should be OK at this point). I wasn’t even halfway done with the cartoon.

Since I forgot my desk chair I had to find something to sit on while drawing. I can’t draw standing or sitting up in bed. It doesn’t work for me. I found a metal folding chair outside. It’s a little too close to the ground but it worked. I kinda feel like I’m a kid at the big table. maybe I should have sat on a book.

Sometimes I’ll choose a title because it amuses me and I won’t care if anyone else is amused or understands it all. But you know the singer Meatloaf, right? He had that song, “once, twice, three times a lady?” Yeah, well I thought it was funny for the title of this blog. Anyone who doesn’t like can go eat a…

Update: OK. I was just corrected by my ex wife. That never changes. She pointed out that I confused “once, twice, three times” by the COMMODORES with “two out of three ain’t bad” by Meatloaf. That totally screws up the title of this blog and cartoon….but eh. It’s staying. Can I blame it on listening to the Foo Fighters the entire time I was drawing this?

Second update: Did you know the president has to pay for his own food? It’s true. Not state dinner stuff but if he has a party, bbq in the backyard, or just his or his family’s meal, he has to pay for it. A follower on Twitter said that could be why he made Christie order the meatloaf. Yeah, Trump is rich but he’s notoriously cheap. He’s an unhappy miser.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, etc.. The starving cartoonist appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

No Riding With Milo


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Filthy, retched, disgusting, deplorable, and horrible conservatives love to quote Milo Yiannopoulos. After today, not so much.

Milo is an author, kinda-sorta journalists for scary right wing publications, rabble-rouser, public bully, and outspoken proponent for hate, bigotry, racism, and fascism. Apparently none of that was too much for Breitbart, Simon & Schuster, or the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC).

In the past Milo received a lifetime ban from Twitter for racist bullying of actress and comedian Leslie Jones for her role in Ghostbusters. Over the weekend videos, that were available for years, surfaced of Milo condoning pedophilia, joking about a teenage sexual encounter with a Catholic priest, and argues about age-of-consent laws. Charming fellow.

Over the past few weeks he has ignited protests at universities where he was scheduled to speak by people who really didn’t want him there. It’s not that they’re against free speech. They’re against providing the platform for a guy who once said “feminism is cancer” and referred to Leslie Jones as a “black dude.” Even though he is gay he’s said that being gay is “detrimental to humanity,” “gay men should get back in the closet,” “aberrant” and a “lifestyle choice guaranteed to bring gay people pain and unhappiness.”  Really charming fellow.

Milo was scheduled as the keynote speaker for the upcoming CPAC event which will also include Donald Trump, whom Milo refers to as “Daddy.” Though CPAC is totally fine with racists and fascists speakers, the pedophilia thing has crossed the line for them. Maybe because it’s a really touchy subject since so many Republicans have been caught with young boys.

Simon & Schuster was set to release his autobiography (yeah, people really wanted to read that thing), for which Milo received a $250,000 advance. That book, appropriately titled “Dangerous,” (ironically enough, also the title for a Michael Jackson album) has been cancelled. It’s more tainted than the movie The Interview.

It’s gotten so bad that even Breitbart….BREITBART…is considering axing him where he serves as one of their editors. How horrible do you have to be that Breitbart, the alt-right fake news website formerly run by Steve Bannon and magnet for racist comments, doesn’t want anything to do with you?

Over the weekend Milo appeared on the Bill Maher show where Larry Wilmore told the guy to “go f*ck himself.” And that was before the pedophilia stuff came out.

I really hope this cartoon doesn’t offend the wrong people. I really don’t have an issue with Chevrolet.

Creative note: I’m in my new house and today I brought my desk over from out of storage. It was a really big priority for me. I can’t draw on my lap or while sitting up in bed. So naturally I forgot to bring the chair for the desk. So this cartoon was drawn in a coffee shop. I tweeted out an invitation to come watch me draw but I didn’t disclose which coffee place. I’m mean like that.

There was a girl there looking for a guy named Scott she was meeting for the first time from a dating site. So if you see me out in the near future with a very attractive brunette my name is “Scott.”

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, etc.. The starving cartoonist appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

Enemy Of The State


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Donald Trump tweeted that the media is an enemy of the American people.

Every president has despised the press at some point, if not constantly. For being such a supposed liberal institution you would think Democratic presidents like Clinton and Obama would love the press, but no. They hated the press too.

Trump doesn’t just hate the press. He needs to frame them as the bad guys. Republicans have always done that but stating they’re an enemy to the nation, as if they’re not better than al Qaida, is irresponsible and reckless.

A free nation requires a free press. The limitations on the press tells you a government isn’t free, like Iran, Saudi Arabia, China, and North Korea. Journalists worldwide are imprisoned and murdered for doing the job of providing information to a nation’s citizens.

The press makes mistakes. The press has freedom to make mistakes and those responsible will correct them. You’re allowed to be angry with the press. That doesn’t make you a bad person. People in the press get mad at the press. However, the press does not have a liberal bias. Facts have a liberal bias.

Donald Trump doesn’t like the press because they report facts. Donald Trump doesn’t tell facts. Donald Trump tells lies and everyone in his administration is a liar. They don’t like people who point that out. Trump would prefer that he create lies such as a terrorist attack in Sweden and have everyone accept whatever bullshit coming out of his mouth as irrefutable facts.

Their model is to tell lies and then tell their supporters that those telling the truth aren’t just the opposition or bad guys, but enemies to the entire nation. That sounds like something from an Orwell novel.

Trump supporters don’t read Orwell, history books, or read anything much at all. As insane as Trump’s comments and strategy may be, his supporters eat it up. They are on Team Trump for the long haul.

How dare Donald Trump tell lies and paint those who point it out as villains. The man is a bully. Telling American that a free press is their enemy is a strongman tactic. It’s not the tactic of a president who intends to be a leader of free people. When you lose a free press, you start to lose freedom.

In the 1950s a United States senator from Wisconsin, Joe McCarthy, held hearings to expose communists in our nation, specifically in the entertainment industry. He had a lot of supporters. It was their way to deal with criticism. It ignored our Constitution and overlooked the fact (there’s that word again) that you’re free to be a commie in America. Most of those accused were not communists. It ruined lives. It spawned the term “McCarthyism” which means to demagogue. That’s exactly what Trump is doing.

Donald Trump would rather paint his critics as terrorists than use a strategy of winning with the truth. Lies are easier for Trump and to be honest, they’re working with his base.

Any conservative journalist who agrees with Donald Trump, or defends his statement, isn’t just an enemy of a free press. You, like Trump, are an enemy of America. And that’s a fact.

Update: After a crazy week and a crazier weekend I’m all good. For the most part. Saturday morning my internet was fritzing out so I published my cartoon using the WiFi at Sheetz. I must work OK under pressure as that cartoon will be in USA Today this Monday (right now. Go buy one).

I was really getting frustrated with internet this weekend. It went out at home. I go to Sheetz on Saturday morning and the WiFi works but it’s really slow. That sucks when you have to upload four files. I moved to a new home Sunday night. I don’t have a desk at my new home and I can’t draw on my lap or sitting up in bed. So I went out last night to an establishment where I could place my drawing platform on a table. Yeah, their internet worked with everything but the device I used to draw the cartoon. I couldn’t upload it.

I was a day behind posting to GoComics which I felt really bad about. I’m very consistent with them. I also wanted to publish my latest cartoon for The Costa Rica Star. So I return to my new digs where I’ll spend my very first night. But first, I want to upload files and publish. I can write and size files while sitting up in bed. The WiFi provided…I was given the wrong password. I finally received the correct one around 5:00 AM.

I want one normal day. Please. Let things run smooth tomorrow. Let me work. Let me have WiFi. Let me not have drug dealers knocking on my window at 2:00 AM. Let me remain unstabbed. Is that too much to ask?

Four things I did do successfully yesterday. I drew a cartoon. I moved to a new home. I helped a friend change a flat tire. Finally, I restrung the string through the hood of a hoodie. That, my friends, is a serious accomplishment.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, etc.. The starving cartoonist appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

Hangin’ With The Fam


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Today’s blog will be kinda short.

Hey, I found an issue that’s not on Donald Trump. Try not to go through withdrawal.

Kim Jong Nam was the older half-brother of the tyrant, Kim Jong Un, current leader of North Korea. A few days ago Kim Jong Nam died in a Malaysian airport.

Nam was passed over for the tyrant job and it was given to his younger brother. Nam has spoken out many times against his brother and has been living in China, Macau, and Singapore. It’s believed China was protecting him while he lived the life of a playboy of sorts. North Korea has wanted to kill him for years. There are always moments when you want to kill your siblings, and they you, but you don’t actually do it. You wear the same pair of socks for a week and then you hide them in your little brother’s pillow case. Ask my little brother.

North Korea claims they didn’t have anything to do with his death. It’s believed he had poison sprayed into his face. The Malaysian authorities haven’t publicly released the results of the autopsy but North Korea said they’ll reject whatever those findings are. That’s like only being told that someone died and you reply “well I didn’t shoot him.” I’m pretty sure the results of the autopsy will confirm he’s dead.

One thing to take out of this: Stay the heck out of Malaysian airports.

Notes: I have to be vague but I got some crazy stuff happening right now. Not good stuff. Clay had to call the police type of stuff.

I needed to get out of my home for a bit to post this blog, send the cartoon to clients, and do some other work. Internet and people at home are having issues and I’m at Sheetz where the free Wi-Fi is really slow, especially if you’re uploading files. I do expect things to get normal again very soon and to eliminate the stress that’s been in my life over the past few days. The cartoons will keep coming.

Update: I’m fine. My problem is literally behind bars for an undetermined amount of time. Starting Monday my cartoons will be delivered from an all new undisclosed location. Sorry if I worried anyone or made you gleeful.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, etc.. The starving cartoonist appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

Fine-Tuned Chaos


cjones02182017

Yesterday was a WTF moment for the entire nation. Maybe not for Trump’s more ardent supporters as they wanted the madman from the campaign trail to be president. But this nation can’t afford candidate madman to be president. We need a president.

I’m not just talking about a president who acts presidential. I want a president who is at the very least coherent and stable. At this point it’s not that we need a conservative or liberal government. We need a functioning government. Republicans love to say that government doesn’t work. Donald Trump is working really hard to prove them right.

After the press conference it was reported that vice admiral Robert Hayward was offered the job to replace Michael Flynn as national security adviser, and he turned Trump down. A friend of Hayward’s said he was unwilling to take the job and said it was a “shit sandwich.” Filling this administration with competent people is like finding a head coach for the San Francisco 49ers. Nobody rational wants that job.

Highlights of the press conference:

He complained that the press doesn’t tell the truth. He said the leaks are real but the news is fake. He continued to lie about his electoral victory being the largest since Ronald Reagan. When pressed on this he said it’s what others are telling him. Like the guy can’t Google the information.

He continued to defend Michael Flynn and said he didn’t do anything wrong other than lying to the vice president.

He claimed drugs are as cheap at candy bars.

He claimed he’s the least anti-semitic person you’ll ever see, and the least racist. He took personal offense when a reporter asked him about anti-semitism since his victory and accused the reporter of lying. He claimed the anti-semitism is coming from his opponents disguised as his supporters.

He said if he doesn’t get along with Russia then we could have a nuclear holocaust. He knows this because he gets briefings which tells him Russia has nuclear weapons. He also said he’d love to shoot a Russian spy ship off the east coast out of the water, but that wouldn’t be a good thing.

When asked by a black reporter about meeting with the CBC (Congressional Black Caucus) he didn’t seem to know what “CBC” was. He then asked the reporter if she knew them, as if every black person knows every other black person. He said she can set the meeting up, as if that’s a reporter’s job and he doesn’t have a phone. He’s probably too busy using it to call Putin and sending tweets.

He said Congressman Elijah Cummings was to meet with him but cancelled, probably due to pressure from Chuck Schumer. Cummings later stated that they’ve never had a meeting scheduled and that he’d love to meet with the president. Which of the two do you believe?

He explained what Uranium is.

He continued to attack Hillary Clinton and said he inherited a mess.

He said the Muslim ban had a smooth rollout.

He didn’t deny his staff had been in contact with Russia before the election, but said he doesn’t know of anyone who had.

He said there’s no chaos in his White House and it’s running like a fine-tuned machine.

Trump created more scandals this week by Wednesday than Obama did in eights years. He raised the bar even higher on Thursday.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, etc.. The starving cartoonist appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!