Cartoons

Take A Knee


cjones09262017

If you were fine, or silent, over the first three panels but lost your shit over the last one, then you need to take a knee. You’re just as disgusting as the man-baby troglodyte who made these statements. What Donald Trump is doing is not uniting people. It’s purposely being divisive to suit his own political ambitions.

Trump claims athletes who are protesting are disparaging the flag, the National Anthem, and our veterans. I don’t believe a draft-dodging bully who claimed John McCain is only a war hero because he was captured and that he “likes people who weren’t captured,” who disparages Gold Star families, and currently owns a Purple Heart he did not earn, is an authority on other people disrespecting our veterans.

Trump once criticized President Obama for voicing an opinion on the Redskins’ name. Trump said it was “nonsense” for the president to involve himself. Yet, here he is calling for athletes to be fired and for his sycophants to boycott the NFL.

Conservatives called Obama “divisive” for weighing on the Trayvon Martin case and when a white cop arrested a black man for trying to enter his own home. I don’t hear them throwing the d-word around when Trump creates controversies by attacking black athletes, women, talk show hosts, Broadway plays, comedians, mayors of foreign cities, journalists, and other incidents too numerous to name. This is conservative’s hypocrisy.

Several NFL owners who supported Trump and contributed financially to his election, like the owner of the New England Patriots, are surprised by Trump’s attack on their athletes and their sport. It’s like Trump’s racism is a new thing that only showed up last Friday…and not something he’s been waving around since the 1980s. For these people, Trump’s racism is not a deal-breaker until it hits them close to home. These people should have taken a knee to Trump before it got too late. Grass stains on your knees is a lot easier to get out than blood on your hands.

Trump claims this isn’t about race. Yet, he’s attacking mostly African-Americans protesting injustice toward African-Americans. A black athlete kneeling during the National Anthem is a larger outrage to Donald Trump than Nazis killing peaceful protesters. But like in both cases, Trump is playing to his base. He doesn’t criticize Nazis because he doesn’t want to offend his base. He’ll attack black people because his racist base eats it up.

Attacking black football players wasn’t enough for Trump over the weekend. He uninvited NBA champions, the Golden State Warriors from visiting the White House after their star, Stephen Curry expressed he didn’t want to go. It’s hard to tell who Trump is more concerned with, Kim Jong Un, actress Kristen Stewart, or Stephen Curry.

If you disagree with the athletes and believe no one should sit or kneel during the anthem, but you understand their protests, then I can respect your opinion. If you disagree with them, believe they shouldn’t have the right to express themselves, and that they should be fired, then I don’t respect your opinion. I especially do not respect you if you’re upset over black athletes wanting equality, while you have never expressed concern over what they’re protesting. And, if you deflected for Nazis, like our president has, then don’t tell me what America is supposed to be, or if we don’t like then we should move to another country. You’re what’s wrong with this country.

In case you haven’t noticed, Trump hasn’t even mentioned what the athletes are protesting. It’s like his brain stopped at “black.” If you have argued against the protests without mentioning their cause, then your brain stopped at “black” too.

You would think someone who claims he’s about jobs and the economy wouldn’t be calling for a boycott of an American industry. Trump wants NFL games to be as sparsely attended as the games were for that USFL football team he once owned.

It was heartening to see athletes, coaches, owners, black and white, stand together against Trump. This nation is about freedom, not nationalism, and not a place where we tell people to shut up because their viewpoint makes you uncomfortable. Trump can have an opinion on people protesting, but he needs to understand the full issue and not use them as a distraction because he doesn’t want to focus on North Korea or the disaster in Puerto Rico, or the fact his candidate is about to lose in Alabama, where Trump started this crap.

While in Alabama, Trump was playing to his racist base. It’d be nice if his base would take a knee.

I too have a problem with people being unpatriotic. Trump and his sycophants fit that description.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

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Dotard


cjones09252017

A lot of people were introduced to the Elton John song “Tiny Dancer” by the movie “Almost Famous.” For others, it was when they fell in love with it all over again. It’s the part of the film where a rock band is on their tour bus and everyone, including the band, roadies, groupies, and the underage Rolling Stone reporter all start singing along to the chorus. It probably would have ruined the song for me if the TV show “Friends” hadn’t already done that with the “hold me closer, Tony Danza” episode.

It’s hard to make the belligerents in a cartoon look more ridiculous than they actually are when the subjects are Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un. The only victim in this situation (so far) is Elton John.

I hate to say that Trump is out of his league in his war of childish insults with the leader of North Korea, as it may come off as defending Kim Jong Un (but it’s OK if Trump defends Russia from attacking the United States). But, it’s not a compliment to say one is better at being an immature and irrational human being. The reason Trump is out of his league is twofold.

First, despite Trump’s claim that he has “the best words,” Kim took him to school this week. In fact, Kim took a lot of people to school as the entire nation was looking up the definition of “dotard.” Kim has already brought more knowledge to Americans than Betsy DeVos, the Secretary of Education.

Several years ago when Clay Aiken was famous, I would have his name thrown at me every time I spoke at an elementary school. Calling me “Clay Aiken” was the type of thing that’s funny and creative to an eight-year-old. Occasionally an adult would use it and it would inform me immediately that I was dealing with a person whose growth was stunted. That’s what we’re dealing with in Donald Trump. Also, when someone comes up with a name and they stick with it, repeating it over and over, is a sign of a dumbass who probably watches a lot of professional wrestling.

Trump’s mind stopped developing around when he was eleven-years-old. For him, “loser,” “crooked,” and “lying” are big words and they’re extremely creative. Take “fake news” as an example. It doesn’t even work. If it’s fake then it’s not news. They say dogs can learn up to 200 words. Trump might know 97.

So, when you hear conservatives repeating words used by Donald Trump, you know who you’re dealing with. Last night, there was a rally in Alabama full of those people.

Kim is probably an intelligent person despite the insanity. But, when you’re raised in a culture that’s telling 25 million people you’re a god who can talk to dolphins, it’s probably going to go to your head. Even if he is smart, I’m sure he labored with input from others in writing his “personal” response to Trump.

In contrast, Donald Trump tweets at 3:00 AM, probably while sitting on the toilet, and he has delete, retweet, delete, retweet, before he finally lands on the correct spelling for “unprecedented.” We’re still trying to figure out “Covfefe.”

Kim has never responded personally. Usually, the statements are from the government, which represents all the people of the DPRK. I can assure you, Trump’s tweets do not speak for this nation. You’re not tying me to that shit.

Kim felt the need to respond personally after Trump spoke to the U.N. and threatened to destroy North Korea, while also calling him “Rocket Man.” And, this is the second point where Trump is out of his league.

Trump doesn’t know what he’s doing. In Kim’s response, he said that Trump is “mentally deranged.” The North Koreans are prone to hyperbole and insults, like threatening to destroy South Korea, the USA, and calling Obama a “monkey.” But, they’re not far off in calling Trump “mentally deranged.” Hey, even a broken clock is right twice a day. The other response from the DPRK is their foreign minister’s statement that they may explode a hydrogen bomb over the Pacific Ocean. This would be bad.

I hope Donald Trump understands the Pacific Ocean is that big body of water between the United States and Japan. It’s not Pacsun, the clothing store in malls. Maybe he can remember the Pacific Ocean by being reminded it’s where he lost that aircraft carrier.

Trump’s bullying and tough talk isn’t working out diplomatically. His threats only confirm to North Korea that they have to keep their nuclear weapons and continue to develop their missile system. At some point, something’s going to explode over a large population.

When people start dying, I don’t think anyone’s going to believe our toddler as an excuse for a president has the best words.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

Free Unicorn Rides


cjones09242017

I hope no one gets the impression I’m calling Republican Senators Lindsey Graham and Bill Cassidy “RINOs” (Republican In Name Only), or that their dangerous health-care plan is somehow a moderate proposal. I hate explaining cartoons but, the rhinoceros here is meant to represent a rhinoceros.

Donald Trump tweeted that he would not support Graham-Cassidy if it did not include coverage of pre-existing conditions. Last June, Graham referred to back-room deals that would exclude states in order to get a specific senator’s vote when he said, “if leaders started that crap of straight-up buying votes for their health care bill then they’re going to lose me.” Cassidy went on The Jimmy Kimmel show last May and told the host, “no family should be denied medical care, emergency or otherwise, because they can’t afford it.” He said all future health-care proposals need to pass the “Jimmy Kimmel test.” Cassidy said he would reject legislation that couldn’t meet it. Now, legislation that doesn’t pass the “Jimmy Kimmel test” has Cassidy’s name on it.

There is a simple explanation for why these Republicans words don’t match their actions. They’re all liars.

Republicans are making a deal that will exclude Alaska from their new health-care plan, as they want that state’s senator’s vote. Even though Graham said he wouldn’t stand for “that crap,” his name and support are still on this bill. Do you know what kind of “crap” I can’t stand? Lying hypocrites.

This legislation allows states, depending on the particular state’s action before with Obamacare, to deny coverage for pre-existing conditions. Donald Trump still supports it. Cassidy still supports it, and he put his name on it. Kimmel says this bill doesn’t just fail to pass the “Jimmy Kimmel test,” it fails the “Bill Cassidy test.” Cassidy says that Kimmel doesn’t understand the details. Kimmel understands that Cassidy is a liar.

I’m pretty sure the doctors who are parts of the American Diabetes Association, American Medical Association, American Cancer Society, American Heart Association, etc, who oppose this bill, understand the details. Every state Medicaid director understands this bill, as all 50 of them are opposed to it. As for Trump’s understanding, he doesn’t. But, as Kimmel pointed out, Trump hates stuff that has Obama’s name on it and that “he’d sign copies of the Quran at the Barnes and Noble in Fallujah if it meant he could get rid of Obamacare.”

The Republicans need to pass this bill next Saturday, because after that they’ll need more than a simple 50-vote majority. It’s why they’re not waiting for it to be scored by the non-partisan Congressional Budget Office, as it will underscore just how crappy this bill is, and the Republicans are lying.

Vice-President Mike Pence was asked on Fox And Friends whether proposed block grants to states would mean governors would cover pre-existing conditions. Pence dodged the question and said, “Thomas Jefferson said, ‘Government that governs least governs best,’ I mean, the question that people ought to ask is, who do you think will be more responsive to the healthcare needs in your community? Your governor and your state legislature, or a congressman and a president in a far off nation’s capital?”

First off, Thomas Jefferson didn’t say that. Pence must be getting his quotes from Russian troll bots on Facebook. But, Pence does have a point in that we shouldn’t trust our president, and not just with our health-care needs. We can’t trust the guy with Twitter. You don’t see Pence leaving his wife alone in a room with Trump.

One United States Senator has told the truth about this bill. Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley said,  “You know, I could maybe give you 10 reasons why this bill shouldn’t be considered. But, Republicans campaigned on this so often that you have a responsibility to carry out what you said in the campaign. That’s pretty much as much of a reason as the substance of the bill.” So your future health-care coverage, if you can afford it, if you can carry it, if you actually have it, isn’t nearly as important as the politics of it. Getting re-elected, cutting taxes for billionaires, and having money continue to be pumped to you from corporate lobbyists is much more important to Republicans than your family’s healthcare.

My hope is that Republicans don’t just mistake the rhinoceros for a unicorn and take a ride, but that they fall off and get trampled under it.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

Good People


cjones09232017

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

Arr! A Cartoon For Scurvy Dogs


cjones09222017

Sometimes, an editorial cartoonist has to suspend reality and use creative license. There is no way Donald Trump could pronounce half the words in this cartoon.

Donald Trump spoke at the United Nations and said the word “sovereignty” twenty-one times. The funny thing is, he didn’t mention Russia once, which is the only nation that has recently attacked our sovereignty. He did however, unleash his fourth-grade rhetoric to delight the international congregation. As we are sending thoughts and prayers to Mexico after the earthquake, the rest of the world is sending us the same for Donald Trump. We’ll be digging out for a very long time.

During his promotion of American nationalism and screw everyone else, Trump once again referred to Kim Jong Un as “Rocket Man,” and asked for help to fight “loser terrorists” (because they couldn’t get dates in high school?) The insecure and childish name-calling didn’t seem to go down as well in a room for educated international diplomats as much as it would for an alt-right rally in West Virginia.

Trump’s team bragged that the “Rocket Man” line was Trump’s own inclusion without receiving any help from his team. Really? Putin’s Tiny Dancer didn’t need any help with the schoolyard insult? He did have assistance writing the speech from known-xenophobe Stephen Miller (who I confused for Sebastian Gorka in yesterday’s column. Sorry if anyone got excited when I wrote that Miller had been fired. I also confused Jimmy Kimmel with Jimmy Fallon, and none of you fuckers were able to catch both mistakes. It was either the “Kimmel/Fallon” thing or the “Miller” goof).

Trump started off his speech talking about the American economy and our military might. I’m slightly surprised he didn’t mention winning Michigan, “Crooked Hillary,” or ask how many in the room liked Joe Arpaio. He eventually got to international topics and said, “Major portions of the world are in conflict, and some, in fact, are going to hell.” It wasn’t as juicy as his “American Carnage” inauguration speech, but the sycophants loved it.

Trump successfully attacked Venezuela without using the term “bad hombres.” Then, he attacked Iran, which we’re all down for, but he threatened to cancel the nuclear agreement we spent many months negotiating with several international partners. He promised that we’ll be hearing about the treaty again and summed that up with his usual “believe me,” which means we may or may not be hearing of it again.

The problem with pulling out of a treaty where Iran agreed to curtail their nuclear development is that it will leave Iran without any agreement to stop their nuclear development. Iran has met all of their obligations listed in the treaty so far. If we nix the deal it will inform the rest of the world that they cannot trust the United States. It’s hard enough now that we have to sell them on the idea of talking to Donald Trump.

Breaking a promise will also tell North Korea that any agreement they make with us will only be as good as the paper it’s written on, kinda like one of them degrees from Trump University. But then again, perhaps we aren’t interested in any diplomatic negotiations with North Korea.

Trump threatened to “totally destroy” the DPRK yesterday. What incentive does a rogue regime have in dismantling their nuclear weapon program when the world’s greatest military power is describing in great detail how it may destroy them?

Conservatives loved Trump’s speech. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said, “In more than 30 years of my acquaintance with the U.N., I have not heard a more courageous and sharp speech.” He has, but not from anyone whose ass he wanted to kiss. Sweden’s ambassador said, “It was the wrong speech, at the wrong time, to the wrong audience.” France’s Emmanuel Macron disagreed with several parts of Trump’s speech. Iran’s foreign minister said it was “ignorant hate speech.” Hey, welcome to our party. Have you seen the hats?

We need diplomacy more than bombs. It’s kinda hard to engage in diplomacy when you don’t have diplomats. In addition to cutting the State Department’s budget, a lot of ambassador posts remain unfilled. In addition to eight posts at the United Nations that remain vacant, we currently do not have ambassadors in important nations such as South Korea, India, Australia, Cuba, Egypt, Afghanistan, France, Germany, Qatar, Saudi Arabia, Turkey, and the European Union. We also have several posts unfilled in unimportant places like Lesotho, Bahamas, Belize, Belarus, Eritrea, Jamaica, Mauritania, Trinidad and Tobago, and Mauritius & Seychelles. So, eh.

We don’t even have an ambassador to Russia, unless we count the one currently sitting in the Oval Office.

Creative notes: Every cartoonist in the nation is doing something with “Rocket Man” today. I decided to wait, and maybe not do anything with it at all. Though, that “Putin’s Tiny Dancer” line wasn’t half bad.

Yesterday was “Talk Like A Pirate” day. I am not a fan of cartoons using a holiday theme being drawn and published AFTER the freaking holiday. I see it every year with Christmas and Halloween. Though it wasn’t a holiday, a lot of cartoonists kept drawing eclipse cartoons days after the eclipse. But, I’m breaking one of my own rules with this one. “Talk Like A Pirate” day isn’t a real holiday anyway. Plus, I don’t know if I’ve ever used it before. If I have, it was back when I worked for The Free Lance-Star, and they’ve deleted all the cartoons I drew for them from their website. All the originals from those 14 years are in boxes in one of my friend’s attic.

I suck at talking like a pirate. It’s arrrrrful. See?

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

Spicy Emmys


cjones09212017

Even though every Trump sycophant scumbag will be replaced by another Trump sycophant scumbag after they’re fired, I still want them fired. It will be an endless cycle of firing and hiring scumbags. Sean Spicer, Steve Bannon, Anthony Scaramucci, Michael Flynn, Stephen Miller, etc. have all been fired and replaced with brand new scumbags. Eventually, every scumbag who is currently on the Trump payroll will be fired and replaced with a new scumbag. Even Jared and Ivanka will be fired at some point and will be replaced by new scumbags.

If nothing else, this constant mayhem and chaos in the White House will obstruct Donald Trump from screwing up the nation. The one thing I don’t want for the newly unemployed scumbags is to normalize the behavior they engaged in while they were taxpayer-funded scumbags.

Sean Spicer’s very first press briefing consisted of nothing except petty lies about Trump’s inauguration crowd size. Other than Trump having a very tiny penis, why was this the most important issue on the very first day of the Trump administration?

On Sunday night at the Emmy awards, Spicy made a cameo to engage in a little self-deprecating humor where he joked about how the Emmy crowd size would be the largest in Emmy history (which is probably more important than any crowd Trump has generated). The audience was totally surprised when Stephen Colbert brought him out, and mouths were hanging wide open.

Afterward, he got to hang out with the beautiful elite people, shake hands, share jokes, and pose for photographs. On Monday morning, he told The New York Times he regretted that first press briefing and for criticizing the media over their accurate reporting over the crowd size. Well golly gee whiz, we’re all good now. Let’s have him over to the party, have some punch, exchange phone numbers, make a lunch date, let him pet the dog.

No. Let’s not.

Last week, Spicer went on Jimmy Kimmel’s show. Kimmel provided a forum for Donald Trump to look like a human being where Jimmy got to mess up his hair days before the election. He allowed the same for Spicer (the normalizing…not the hair thing). Spicer didn’t apologize and explain himself during his chit-chat with Jimmy. He also talked about how much it bothered him that his integrity was questioned. Really? You lie to the American people and denigrate our greatest freedom and you wonder why your integrity was questioned. I’m not questioning Sean Spicer’s integrity. That’s because he doesn’t have any.

Spicer’s “integrity” didn’t prevent him from lying about stuff he knew wasn’t true, and then scold those who were pointing out the truth.

Sean Spicer didn’t just lie about crowd sizes. He lied about blocking Muslims from entering this nation. He supported Trump’s lie about Obama wiretapping Trump Tower. He lied about “millions of illegals” voting. He lied about the Russians meeting at Trump Tower and how it was all about adoptions. He even lied about Hitler. The Hitler lie was the only one he had apologized for.

During this six-month-long bullshitpalooza, Spicer berated the press. He called them “fake news.” He told a female reporter to stop “shaking her head” while he was lying. He supported Trump’s campaign against American journalism and his description of journalists as “enemies of the American people.”

Sean Spicer is complicit, and he brought his own degrading style to the shit-show that is the Trump administration. Just because he’s been kicked out of that party isn’t a good reason to invite to your party.

Shame on Hollywood for normalizing this shit. Shame on the talk show hosts who spent months helping explain just how abnormal this corrupt train wreck is, to suddenly turn around and normalize it. Shame on Jimmy Kimmel for having Spicer on his show and for being so gentle with him. Shame on Seth Myers for palling around with Spicer at the Emmys and doing the photo-op thing. And most of all, shame on Stephen Colbert for including Spicer in his Emmy routine. A couple of these comedians are people who I enjoy watching, and I will again in the future, but I’m not going to forget what they did Sunday night.

Sure, it’s cute to see Spicer downgraded to impersonating Melissa McCarthy’s impersonation of him. The big difference is, McCarthy’s performance is funny and was an impersonation more genuine than Sean Spicer’s press briefings. What isn’t cute is Hollywood elites normalizing Sean Spicer’s normalizing of this entire Trump disaster. Donald Trump doesn’t respect this nation or the freedom our Constitution guarantees. Sean Spicer is complicit with this. Those who were critics of this don’t need to be complicit too.

Correction: I was just alerted that it was Jimmy FALLON who messed up Trump’s hair, not Jimmy Kimmel. Are we sure they’re not the same Jimmy?

Another update: Stephen Miller has NOT left the administration. I was thinking of Sebastian Gorka. Are were sure they’re not the same Nazi?

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

Russian Troll Farm


cjones09202017

Today, we’re going to start with the basics and have a lesson on trolls. No. Not the mythological trolls who live under bridges, though some of these trolls would probably live under a bridge if that bridge was also a Wi-Fi hotspot.

We’re going to talk about internet trolls. Now, if you do not post stuff on the internet, like political cartoons or ever engage in online debates, then…GOOD FOR YOU! That’s very healthy for your mind and it means you will never encounter trolls. But, if you are the sort (like me) who posts opinions online or engage in online debates, then you are stalked by the cretins.

There are several types of internet trolls. The first is the troll who disrupts a conversation. If you post an opinion like, “Obama kept all of his promises,” and someone comes along and says, “but he didn’t shut down Guantanamo like he promised,” that person is not a troll. Someone disagreeing with you does not make them a troll. Though at times when you disagree with a conservative, he will accuse you of being a troll if you throw logic at him that he can’t refute. That is a tactic of a troll (we’ll cover more of those tactics in a bit).

The troll who disrupts merely disrupts because he’s trying to destroy the conversation and divert it into another direction until all the conversation consists of are insults. For example, let’s say you post that Trump’s Muslim ban is bigotry and unconstitutional, as he promised to ban Muslims while he was campaigning. An internet troll will enter your discussion and tell you how Islam is a violent religion and you hate America. He might even say if you don’t like it here then you should move to Iran, which he couldn’t find on a map if his troll life depended on it.

Another tactic of the troll is the art of deflection. For instance, you might start a conversation about how Trump University is a sham. The troll will come in and say something like “Benghazi” or “lock her up.” That doesn’t make any sense, does it? No. But, if you counter the troll by pointing out that his argument doesn’t make any sense, then the troll has achieved his objective because you’re not talking about Trump University anymore. Eventually, along the way, he’s going to call you a “libtard,” “snowflake,” and perhaps tell you that you desire a “safe space.” Other favorite terms for trolls are, “Odummer,” “Obummer,” and “Killary.” I know, they’re not very creative. Trolls never are. They all use the same code words because they’re not very good at formulating thoughts on their own. Also, watch out for “thug,” as that’s their replacement for the N-word.

Other troll tactics are never quitting. You can stop replying to them, but they’ll keep it up. If you do reply, that is commonly referred as “feeding the trolls.” Other tactics are using memes with fake stuff in them, like “Obama banned the Pledge of Allegiance.” One of their most effective tactics is the use of fake quotes. This is where they take a picture of someone, usually a founding father like Thomas Jefferson, and just make up some shit that he supposedly said like, “everyone should have a gun…and shoot their brown neighbor. It’s the American thing to do.” Trolls love them some fake quotes. Half the time, they don’t even know they’re fake, and they don’t care. Facts schmacts!

Another type of troll is the one who actually creates the post and starts the conversation. For example, last week I saw one of my conservative troll-like colleagues start a discussion wailing about the injustice Stephen Colbert gave toward religion because in his monologue, he mocked the Catholic church’s stance on gluten. Yes. Someone actually complained about this. A professional cartoonist, at that. Most of the conversation that followed consisted almost entirely of his fellow trolls, who all joined the wailing about the blasphemy Colbert directed at their religion. Of course, none of these people except for the original troll saw the monologue as they were all watching Fox News. This is the type of stuff used to create a divisive climate and to spread propaganda.

Which, is what the professional trolls do. These are the trolls that put actual heavy lifting into their trolling. The propagandists who made the phony videos that claimed Planned Parenthood was selling dead baby body parts were trolling on a grand scale. They put a lot of money into that trolling. Even after the videos were debunked, even by several state governments run by Republicans, the amateur trolls still believe it. Trolls don’t need facts or logic for their beliefs. They believe stuff based on their desire to believe it, like Obama was born in Kenya, and he’s a secret Muslim who went on an apology tour for America.

Now, if you go out and vote for Donald Trump and your vote is based only on lies, the troll doesn’t care. He’s done his job. The propaganda worked and it was cheap. The other person who doesn’t care if your vote was based on lies is Donald Trump. Of course, Trump is a major troll. His favorite troll term is “fake news.”

This is where the most dangerous trolls come in (along with the ones who inspire nuts to go on a shooting frenzy). Russian trolls. The Russian trolls aren’t just trying to decide an election. They’re trying to screw up other nation’s political systems. So far, they’ve done a very good job. America is full of all types of crazy, stupid people and all they needed was a little push.

During the campaign, we knew the Russians were putting fake information on the internet. Stuff like Hillary Clinton running a child-sex-slave shop out of the basement of a D.C. pizza parlor. Never mind that it wasn’t true, or that the pizza shop targeted doesn’t even have a basement. The objective is to make you believe it. Michael Flynn’s son was tweeting out the story about “Pizzagate” while he was on the Trump Transition team, and another guy believed it so much that he took a gun to the pizza shop and started shooting. Kinda like the guy who shot up the Colorado Springs Planned Parenthood office because those videos told him they were selling dead babies.

If you take this story and help spread it around, share it on the Facebook, retweet it on Twitter, then you are what is commonly referred to as a “useful idiot,” and of course you’re a troll. And, you’re not just any kind of troll. You’re troll cattle.

The Russians have troll farms. That’s where they create shit, breed troll cattle to feed the shit, and then have the cattle spread it. If you’ve ever spread bullshit on the internet, you’re a fucking troll cow and there’s a good chance you were working for the Russians…and for free. You’re a piece of shit.

As it turns out, nearly a year after the election it’s come to our attention that the Russians weren’t just dropping fake stories on the internet. They were paying for it. They paid Facebook over $100,000 for bullshit ads. And even worse, they were advertising rallies, where trolls could gather and get pissed off together.

With the way this information has slowly been revealed by Facebook, some are wondering if Putin has a pee tape of Mark Zuckerberg (someone else made up that joke, but I don’t know who so I can’t give him or her credit).

Most of these trolls don’t know they’re trolls. But, give yourself a test. If you believe in something just because you want to believe it, then you might be a troll. If you have shared something (like a meme) and didn’t research it to find out if it’s true, then you might be a troll. Google is free, people. It’s not hard to look shit up, and you’re on the internet anyway. Something sounding like it could be true to you does not make it true. There are 25 million people who believe Kim Jong Un is a god, but that doesn’t make him a god. There were 62 million Americans who thought Donald Trump would make a good president, and that shit ain’t coming true either. Ever. And, if you believe Trump won the popular vote and there were millions of people voting illegally for Clinton, you’re a goddamn troll.

The trolls are out there. Whether they know it or not, they could be working for Russians. Look for the traits. Look for the keywords, like “Benghazi,” “lock her up,” “libtard,”  “snowflake,” and “fake news.” Or, just look for the assholes.

Creative note: A couple weeks ago a colleague posted a question for other cartoonists, asking “what do you hate drawing the most?”. The number one answer was crowds. I don’t really mind crowds and I do it fairly often (as long as I don’t have to be in an actual crowd). The second most popular answer was…grass. I agree with that. Drawing grass sucks. Grass is in strands, it’s tiny, it’s green, and it can take all freaking day, or if you take the lazy route and do it very quickly, then it can look like crap. Fortunately for me, I’m aided by the fact that I don’t draw anything realistic. It’s because I’m sloppy. But, I will still spend seven stupid hours on a cartoon, with at least one hour of that drawing grass. I’d rather draw a crowd.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.