Cartoons

Shaken, Not Stirred


cjones11042020

As you’re probably aware, unless this is your first visit to Claytoonz.com, is that I HATE obituary cartoons…for the most part. But, I do acknowledge how much readers…and editors…love them.

I tweeted out, “A thump to the head to the first cartoonist who draw St. Peter serving a martini, shaken, not stirred.” You are going to see that cartoon. What’s worse than some cartoonist thinking it up and drawing it? The cartoonist who gets the idea from my tweet.

Right after that tweet, I thought of this and it actually made me laugh. So I cranked it out real quick. And I got to make myself laugh while giving editors something MOST won’t be afraid of.

I was never a James Bond fan. I didn’t hate it either. For me, it was always meh. I did think the Roger Craig…wait…that’s a football player. DANIEL Craig! That’s his name. Anyway…I thought his James Bond was pretty exciting. But…those movies still suck.

Yeah, they’re iconic but tell me the plot of one James Bond movie. There’s a spaceship and a bad guy with a cat and a henchman with steel teeth and there’s some torture designed to kill Bond but not before the entire evil plot is explained to him….yeah. You still don’t know any James Bond plots. You know Austin Powers plots, but not any for James Bond. You just know where he is, who is the bad guy, and who he’s laying. James Bond got laid so much they even put “pussy” in one of the movie titles which is unusual for a movie that’s not a porno.

But, regardless of that, Sean Connery was the coolest, smoothest man to ever play Bond. Maybe my problem with Bond is that while growing up, they were making them with Roger Moore.

I do remember one thing about those movies and that’s they’re great for first dates. I went on a first date in the 80s to a James Bond movie. It was one of those with Timothy Dalton…or was it Pierce Brosnan? Or was there another guy in there? I dunno. But again, during the 2000s, I went on another first date to a Bond film and this time, it was Daniel Craig. I mean, Daniel Craig was not my date…it was a girl…but it was to a Daniel Craig Bond movie. I was never as successful during those first dates as Bond was on the screen.

But I digress. I had fun drawing this one. Maybe I should draw all my cartoons within 30 minutes. RIP, Sean Connery…you smooth mother….

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first. But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

Turd In A Turret


cjones11032020

No long blog today because I need to prepare for my trip tomorrow. But, I’m going to make it up to you on Monday with a long blog post. You’ll see.

As for this, I had to look up “turret.” As in, I had to Google what those castle tower thingies are called.

Laura, my proofer, gave me a turret story this morning after reading today’s cartoon.

Laura was walking on a college campus once at night with a friend. Apparently, this college had turrets because her friend said, “Look at all the turrets.” Laura looked down at her feet in horror and said,”Where?” And he said, “Turrets! TurrETS. Not turds.”

And that, my dear readers, is how today’s blog got its name.

Things are about go get insane over the next week…and may remain that way for a while. Hang in there and remember, I’ll be here dropping these cartoon bombs and columns throughout.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first. But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

Tucker’s Lost Conspiracy


cjones11022020

You gotta be careful with where you put those conspiracies. They’re like car keys…or that one missing sock. Where’d it go? For me, it’s batteries. I’ll buy a pack of 20 batteries then when the remote dies, I can’t find the batteries. I go insane hunting for them until I finally give up and buy another package which also can’t be found six months later. I bet Hunter Biden’s taking them.

For the past few years, Rudy Giuliani has been on a Hunter Biden snipe hunt in Ukraine. And just like a real snipe hunt, Rudy hasn’t caught shit.

A snipe hunt is what you do to get the kids out of your hair while camping or hanging out with friends. You send the kids on a snipe hunt so you and the rest of the adults can get hammered or do whatever it is you don’t want the kids there to witness. The thing is, there is no such thing as a snipe. IF the kids are really stupid, they’ll be gone for hours. Don’t ask me how I know this. Come to think of it, I can’t think of a better way to get Rudy out of your hair than sending him an Eastern European snipe hunt. The only bad thing is, he comes back to go on Fox News to tell Hannity about the snipes he caught that we can’t see. Hannity gets excited about snipes. So does Tucker Carlson.

A few weeks ago, Rudy convinced The New York Post to run a story about Hunter Biden’s laptop which contained incriminating emails that implicated him in nefarious evil plots with his father, Joe Biden. The only problem was, there was no actual proof the laptop belonged to Hunter Biden.

No credible news outlets would take the story. Not even Fox News. The reporter who was forced to write the story for the Post refused to put his name on it. Later, a former associate of Hunter, Tony Bobulinski, turned up with “incriminating” documents proving Hunter is one bad dude and his father bwahahahahahahas with him.

Once again, no credible media outlets would touch the story. The documents were crap. The Wall Street Journal refused the story. But good ole Tucker Carlson came along and gave Bobabooey an interview on his crap show, which made a lot of conspiracy theorists say, “A-ha!” But of course, it was all a bunch of accusations without any proof. I mean, if allegations were proof, then Donald Trump is a rapist.

Then it got even weirder. On Wednesday night, Tucker claimed a shipment of “damning” documents being shipped to him had VANISHED!!! He wondered how such a nefarious thing could happen to a “trove of materials that are directly relevant to the presidential campaign that’s six days away.” Did the Satanic pedophiliac deep state intercept them in Wichita?

Then, on Thursday morning, Tucker said they had been found but there was still malfeasance. Somehow, the package had been opened and the flash drive containing all the evil Biden stuff had fallen out. Is UPS part of the deep state? Does Hillary drive a brown truck?

Of course, when you have such important documents incriminating a presidential candidate in evil plots, you make copies. Right? Right! And Tucker made copies. And……….he still hasn’t released the copies. While complaining about the documents disappearing, then reappearing while being shipped, he never once told us anything about what was in the documents.

For all we know, the documents are like that giant book given to Lesley Stahl by Kayleigh McEnany which she claimed contained Trump’s healthcare plan. The book was actually like 7,000 pages of Trump word salad. Unlike Tucker would do, Leslie opened the book.

Then, NBC reported that a 64-page dossier floating around on the dark web (4chan and Qanon) documenting a complex conspiracy involving Hunter Biden and China was actually authored by a fake persona. In case you’re a Republican…or you watch Tucker Carlson Tonight…or you are Tucker Carlson, “fake persona” means the person doesn’t exist. The documents are fake, bogus, bullshit. I’m so sorry.

The question is, was this 64-page fake dossier the documents Tucker was waiting on from UPS? If so, why didn’t he just download them off the internet? Why were they even shipped in the first place? This isn’t 1992. You can email files now. If the files are really large, you can share them through Google Drive. I know this from personal experience. I have a computer. It seems like the only reason you would actually ship documents is because you’re hoping to lose them or they get mangled in a sorting machine.

Not only do these Hunter stories not pass muster for real journalists, they don’t pass the stink test for bar gossip. Who, what, where, when, why? They don’t have any of that. And if you were pushing this stuff in a bar, the bartender should cut you off.

Tucker Carlson is not a journalist. He’s not even a good fearmonger. Now, Tucker says we should just forget about all of it and leave Hunter Biden alone. You know what that means, don’t you? It means Tucker actually looked at the documents, finally, and discovered they were so full of shit, they didn’t even meet his standards. Who’s researching this shit for Tucker? Does he have the same clerk as Brett Kavanaugh?

It’s too bad Tucker isn’t a journalist. If he was, he would have taken a look at the info before telling his viewers he had info. As it turned out, he had shit. Tucker promised and he didn’t deliver. He’s like Geraldo and Al Capone’s vault. He cracked the safe and found dirt and empty bottles.

When Geraldo opened Al Capone’s safe and struck out, he knew he failed. He went across the street and got “tequila drunk.” Geraldo knew he sold an empty promise and there was nothing journalistic about it. But it made for great ratings. Really. Thirty million people watched for two hours as Geraldo opened an empty box….kinda like those Republican California ballot boxes.

Tucker isn’t that aware. He’s just going to ignore this ever happened and jump on the next bullshit conspiracy theory…what is it now, illegal voters with mail-in ballots? Are they all brown? Is George Soros behind it?

Hey, maybe someone will mail him documents.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first. But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

Ice Ice Omaha


cjones11012020

When a politician campaigns in a city, it’s best for him or her not to piss on the crowd who attend their event. For example: Don’t say, “It’s wonderful to be back in one of my favorite cities, Cleveland” when you’re actually in Columbus.

Another good idea of what not to do is bus your people in and then after the event, just forget about ’em. Screw them. They’re on their own. We got what we came for which was a screaming hate mob. On to the next super-spreader event.

The Trump rally held a campaign event in Omaha which on its own is significant in itself. Why is the Republican nominee campaigning in Omaha in the last week before the election. In case you are a Republican who does not live in Omaha, Omaha is in Nebraska. Nebraska is a red state. But, Nebraska splits the electoral votes. Two of the votes are at large (In case you’re a Republican, “at large” means they’re for the entire state) and one for each of the state’s Congressional districts, of which there are three (in case you’re a Republican, one plus one plus one equals three). Donald Trump will win Nebraska but in a losing campaign where he needs to fight for every single electoral vote he can possibly get, he visited Omaha for that split electoral vote.

And how many votes did the Trump campaign travel to Omaha to campaign for? One. Just one electoral vote. That’s how much trouble Donald Trump is in. Donald Trump is in so much danger of losing this election that he’s campaigning in Nebraska. Joe Biden was in Georgia, a red state, this week. His campaign is hitting Texas and Arizona, states Hillary Clinton and President Obama had zero chances in. Joe Biden will probably carry Arizona and come close in Georgia and Texas. Meanwhile, Donald Trump is in Omaha.

But maybe while asking for that one electoral vote, you don’t murder the people you need it from…or at least not before the election. What does Donald Trump care if they die from covid after Election Day? Phhhttt!!!

The Trump Campaign has not been holding many events in stadiums and arenas where they used to lie about the attendance numbers. Now, they hold most of them at airports…where they lie about the attendance numbers. Donald Trump can get off the plane, ramble off a bunch of bullshit and racist dog whistles, then just hop back onto his plane. This is very nice for Donald Trump as he’s actually been bitching at these rallies about having to campaign. But at least as soon as the hate rally is over, he can get back on the plane with his KFC and crank up the heat.

This is very convenient for Donald Trump. For his rally attendees, not so much.

If you know a Trump supporter, I’m so sorry. But, if you know one who attended the hate rally in Omaha, you might want to check up on them and make sure they’re not still stranded on a tarmac freezing their nuts off. The one positive about this is: If they are a Trump supporter, there’s not much to freeze off.

Since Donald Trump holds his hate rallies on airport tarmacs now, people can’t park near them. No, you can’t park on an airport runway. There are planes there and in Omaha, people are in those planes desperately trying to get out of Omaha.

So what the Trump Campaign does is bus people in. The MAGAts park at a parking lot and then MAGAt buses pick them up and bus them to the hate rally. After the rally, the MAGAts buses take them back. Or at least that’s the idea. It’d probably be nice if it worked out that way…other than everyone catching covid from each other on the buses.

In Omaha, the MAGAts froze. What happened was…Donald Trump ranted and raved for about an hour on the airport tarmac while the temperature was dropping. Then, Cheeto got back on Air Force One with his bucket, cranked up the heat, and got the hell out of Omaha. It took minutes.

Then his people, the MAGAts, who believe the billionaire Manhattan penthouse-living orange shitgibbon is one of them and cares about them so much, waited in below-freezing weather for buses that would not come.

One person who drove four hours to attend the event (why would anyone do that?) decided to walk back to his car…which was three miles away. Most of them stayed and waited for the buses and over 30 of them had to be taken to the hospital which they’ll probably have to return to because they caught covid at the hate rally.

So you didn’t get a wall paid for by Mexico, but you did catch hypothermia with a side of covid. How lovely. Four more years?

A Trump Campaign spokesgoon said that “President (sic) Trump loves his supporters”…whom they left stranded in the freezing cold. The campaign said it provided tents, heaters, hot cocoa and hand warmers at the departure location. Which departure location? The parking lot where their cars were? Thanks.

Donald Trump does NOT care about you. If he did, he wouldn’t be holding these super-spreader events during a pandemic. Once again: Donald Trump only cares about Donald Trump. This is a man who charges us for the water he drinks at his own resort. Seriously.

Donald Trump withheld information about how contagious the virus is while he was telling us it would soon go away. He claimed it would just “disappear.” His goon-in-law, Jared, said they planned for the governors to do all the heavy lifting, for them to take the blame when people died, and for Trump to take the credit when the nation reopened. Maybe Jared can blame Joe Biden for not providing buses in Omaha. Do you know who I didn’t see driving a bus in Omaha? Hunter Biden! So if you lose a toe in Omaha, blame the Bidens.

Over 230,000 people have died from this virus, including Herman Cain, a Trump supporter and friend who caught it at one of his rallies. Nearly 9 million people in this nation have caught the Trump Virus and Donald Trump only cared about one of them. What makes you think he cares about you? What makes you think Donald Trump cares if you catch the virus and die from it? What makes you think Donald Trump cares if you freeze your shitweasel giblets off on a tarmac in Omaha? He doesn’t. He has literally told his rally attendees, at his rallies, that he’d rather not be there. They cheer. It sucks being here with you. Yeah, Trump!!!

But after four years, if you’re a Trump supporter, you’re not going to get that message. You’ll keep drinking the Kool-Aid…even if you have to chip at it.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first. But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

Tipsy For Trump


cjones10312020

There is nothing in the Constitution that says every vote must be counted on Election Day. In fact, there’s nothing in the Constitution that says every vote must be delivered by Election Day.

For years, military and mail-in ballots have arrived AFTER Election Day. Now, late ballots are an issue. Now, every vote won’t count. Why? Because once again, the Republicans are trying to steal an election. Again, Republicans are cheating.

Mitch McConnell said new Supreme Court justice Amy Coney Barrett will be a “political asset” during the election. So are the other two Trump appointees. The Supreme Court voted this week to reject ballots if they don’t arrive at a time that’s convenient for Donald Trump.

The vote wasn’t about being late or election security. It wasn’t about democracy. It wasn’t about every vote counting. It was about rejecting votes that will go against Donald Trump.

For months, Donald Trump has been screaming that we should stop counting after Election Day. He’s wailed that any votes arriving after shouldn’t be counted. He’s even said it should be illegal. Since when?

The Supreme Court ruled that late-arriving ballots in Wisconsin are not to be accepted. Why? Because it would be inconvenient to “flip” an election. This majority opinion, representing FIVE Supreme Court justices, was written by Trump appointee Brett Kavanaugh who’s totally trying to rape this election.

Kavanaugh wrote wrote that Election Day mail-in deadlines were devised “to avoid the chaos and suspicions of impropriety that can ensue if thousands of absentee ballots flow in after Election Day and potentially flip the results of an election.”

The Constitution does not guarantee a chaos-free election. So basically, we shouldn’t give the election to the rightful winner if it causes “chaos.” We should give the election to the person who received fewer votes because giving it to the rightful winner may cause some anxiety. Someone may get a rumbly tummy.

Dumbass with the bad haircut also wrote, “Those states also want to be able to definitively announce the results of the election on election night, or as soon as possible thereafter.” That sounds familiar. It’s like I’ve heard that stupid-ass argument before, but louder and shouted at a super-spreader event.

Hours before the ruling, Donald Trump tweeted election officials “must have final total on November 3rd,” alleging without evidence that there are “big problems” with mail-in ballots. Twitter later labeled that tweet bullshit, but Brett Kavanaugh didn’t.

Kavanaugh let Trump’s idiotic tweet guide his writing hand. If you don’t have all the ballots, then you don’t call the election. How can you “flip” an election that hasn’t been called yet? And this was the argument for the majority…the smartest legal minds in the nation? I call bullshit on that too.

There is another case involving late ballots in Pennsylvania that will be ruled on by this Republican “political asset” we call the “Supreme Court.” And Donald Trump said he wants a nine-member court for when he challenges the election, pretty much admitting he expects to lose.

Donald Trump will rightly lose this election but he may not leave the White House…ever. Not if Brett Kavanaugh and the other Trump flunkies have any say about it.

It should also be noted this shitty ruling was BEFORE Amy Coney Barrett was placed on the bench.

Justice Elena Kagan wrote the dissenting opinion saying, “There are no results to ‘flip’ until all valid votes are counted.”

She also wrote, “Nothing could be more suspicious or improper than refusing to tally votes once the clock strikes 12 on election night. To suggest otherwise, especially in these fractious times, is to disserve the electoral process.”

Kagan is right but Republicans, the Conservative majority, and Donald Trump doesn’t care about “disserving” the electoral process. It’s their very intention.

Over 70 million people have already voted with a large majority of them being Democratic voters. How many will be thrown out because of this corrupt Supreme Court?

Kavanaugh, Barrett, Gorsuch and the rest of the majority will disservice the electoral process because they’re all in service to Donald Trump.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first. But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

The Trust-Fund Baby Speaketh


cjones10302020

These people can not see themselves. First off, they can’t see they’re someplace they don’t belong.

Nepotism has run rampant throughout the lives of Javanka. It would most likely not be rich if it wasn’t born rich. It would not be in the White House or government service if its father and father-in-law was not president. To be fair, maybe Javanka could have qualified for a job at the DMV.

Javanka is tone deaf and obtuse. Ivanka sat down at the president’s (sic) seat at an international summit oblivious to how it would look…or she just didn’t care. Javanka made sure its faces were photographed creepily staring out of Buckingham Palace. Ivanka made sure to skip over the demilitarized zone into North Korea…despite there being prohibitions against it. Javanka is oblivious to the fact that overspending on real estate and selling handbags is not experience that qualifies you to become a presidential adviser.

It’s not just that they don’t belong in the White House…they literally don’t belong. It couldn’t obtain a security clearance without the president (sic) overriding the FBI’s rejection of Javanka. In fact, Jared had to submit his application for a security clearance multiple times because he’s a lying, spoiled shit who’s deep in debt to foreign nations and tried to establish back channels with Russians.

Now, Javanka has been able to use their positions to get foreign bailouts on its real-estate debt and to get trademarks in China.

Now, Jared is telling black America that it has to want to be successful to be successful. Seriously. Who knew that’s all it took?

Talking to Fox and Friends, Jared said, “One thing we’ve seen in a lot of the Black community, which is mostly Democrat, is that President Trump’s policies are the policies that can help people break out of the problems that they’re complaining about. But he can’t want them to be successful more than they want to be successful.”

That’s your problem, Black America. You haven’t wanted to be successful. If you tried harder, or at least as hard as Jared has, you could have been born rich too.

Jared didn’t just stop there. He’s not just a presidential adviser. He’s a Black community adviser.

Jared said that after the “George Floyd situation,” a lot of people were more concerned with “virtue signaling” than in coming up with “solutions.”

Wow. What brilliance. What understanding. Why isn’t Jared president? Mr. Trust-Fund Baby with his home in a Trump building on Park Avenue sure does understand the Black community.

Take this example of Jared’s brilliance: “They’d go on Instagram and cry, or they would put a slogan on their jersey or write something on a basketball court. And quite frankly, that was doing more to polarize the country than it was to bring people forward. You solve problems with solutions.”

Yeah, the guy who advises the guy who gives shout-outs to racists and defenses of tiki-torch Nazis thinks basketball players and Black Lives Matter are “polarizing” the country.

Maybe an example of an acceptable solution is when a journalist writes negative things about you, you chop him up with a bone saw. That’s what his buddy, the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, did. Jared likes to communicate with him through WhatsApp, so nobody can ever know what they’re talking about. Good job, Jared.

White House Spokesgoon Kayleigh McEnany tried to defend Jared for his insensitive, obtuse, and quite frankly, racist comments and said, his remarks were taken out of context and accused unnamed “internet trolls” for trying to “distract from President (sic) Trump’s undeniable record of accomplishment for the Black community.”

That’s exactly who you want when you get into trouble with the Black community, porcelain spokesgoon Kayleigh McEnany defending you.

I told you they were obtuse. For the gang who claim they have multiple Black friends, you’d think they’d use one.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first. But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

Fun with the “Least Racist”


cjones10272020

During last week’s debate, Donald Trump repeated the claim he’s the “least racist.” Usually, it’s the “least racist you know.” The other night, it was the “least racist in the room.” But keep in mind, Donald Trump has been in a lot of rooms with Stephen Miller and Steve Bannon (who could both argue they’re the least racist person in the room named “Steve”).

Racists love Donald Trump. They support Donald Trump. They hold parades for Donald Trump. Donald Trump seeks out their support. He gives them shout-outs. He retweets them. He tells them to “stand by.” He gives encouragement to little racist fuckers like Kyle Rittenhouse to shoot at black people. Donald Trump say “Black lives matter” is a racist term. Donald Trump, being afraid of losing their support, is afraid to criticize racists, just like he’s afraid to say anything negative about Putin. Donald Trump hires racists.

Donald Trump says good people march with people chanting “Jews will not replace us.”

Donald Trump began his 2016 campaign calling Mexicans “rapists and murderers.” His wall, that Mexico still isn’t paying for, is racist. His policy of separating family and putting babies in jail is racist.

And only racists need to say, “I’m the least racist.”

Donald Trump is a racist. If you don’t want to take my word for it, then take it from the racists voting for him.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first. But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

Focus Feces


cjones10262020

The new normal is a seriously low bar.

Every time Donald Trump gives a speech and sticks to the prepared notes written by Stephen Miller, pundits express surprise at how “presidential” he sounded. Never mind the fact he’s reading notes prepared by a baby Goebbels at a third-grade reading level. If he doesn’t make up childish nicknames for people or spread conspiracy theories that George Soros is funding illegal immigrants to invade our borders, he sounds presidential. If Donald Trump merely sounds like an 8-year-old instead of a 6-year-old, he sounds presidential. Never mind the tinfoil hat he’s wearing.

At Thursday night’s debate, Donald Trump refrained from the childish bullying behavior he engaged in during the first debate. He didn’t interrupt…as much. He still lied and spread conspiracy theories. He still talked like a toddler but maybe this time, the diaper had been changed beforehand. Republicans are now saying they need to build on the “momentum” from this debate.

A lot of debate watchers and focus groups didn’t just give Trump higher marks than they did for the first debate, many say he actually won. For a lot of Americans, Donald Trump only has to be barely human. Being presidential is not a requirement.

The low bar is too low for me. I want a president who doesn’t spread over 20,000 lies. I want a president who doesn’t tweet bullshit he sees while watching Hannity and Tucker. I want a president who doesn’t give shout-outs to Nazis. I want a president who doesn’t spread conspiracy theories. I want a president who doesn’t retweet crazy uncle conspiracy theories, like Osama bin Laden is still alive and the Navy Seals killed his body double. I want a president who doesn’t torture children. I want a president who actually tries to stop a virus that’s killed over 220,000 Americans.

Pundits gave Donald Trump high praise for his debate performance despite his reaction to his family separation policy losing track of parents to over 500 immigrant children being: “they’re so well taken care of.”

Donald Trump got high praise despite saying he’s for protecting pre-existing coverage while he’s literally in court at this very moment trying to take it away.

He got high praise for saying he’s going to kill Obamacare and replace it with something better, despite not showing ANY replacement plan over the past four years.

Donald Trump received high praise despite saying the coronavirus was going away while it’s actually getting worse.

Donald Trump got high praise despite lying that a vaccine is ready.

Donald Trump was praised despite saying 99.9% of people recover from the coronavirus. That’s a lie.

Trump received high marks for sounding “presidential” while saying that 2.2 million Americans were expected to die from the coronavirus, thus, he saved over two million people. This is not a fact.

Donald Trump was applauded by Republicans for attacking the Obama/Biden administration’s handling of the Swine Flu in comparison to his handling of the coronavirus, though only 12,500 Americans died from the Swine Flu while the Trump Virus has killed over 220,000. It would be more apt if Donald Trump compared himself to serial killers.

Donald Trump was praised for enacting a total ban of flights from China, which he did not do.

Donald Trump was given high marks despite lying that Nancy Pelosi was “dancing in the streets” of Chinatown and that Russia had given Joe Biden $3.5 million.

Donald Trump was given high marks for accusing Joe Biden of wanting to socialize healthcare despite it not being true or the fact Donald Trump doesn’t know what socialism is. “Socialism” is just a boogey word to scare Republicans.

A lot of people think Donald Trump sounded more prepared to be president than Joe Biden, despite the fact Donald Trump displayed that he still does not understand how tariffs work.

People thought Trump won the debate even after saying he was the “least racist” person.

Donald Trump lied about immigrant children arriving with “bad people.” He lied about immigrants never returning for court appearances and he said the ones that did were stupid. He lied about the cages he threw children into. He lied that Obama had separated children as a policy. He lied about funding social security. He lied about his racist border wall. He lied about climate policy and that he made us “energy independent.” Donald Trump lied and said he doesn’t take money from Wall Street.

CNN fact checker Daniel Dale said fact-checking Trump was like being Lucy in the chocolate factory. If you’ve seen that episode, you know it’s the perfect analogy for fact-checking Trump.

Donald Trump has never won a debate in his life and he didn’t win Thursday against Joe Biden. But more importantly, we have to make sure Donald Trump doesn’t win the election.

You shouldn’t need a debate to see that Donald Trump is not presidential. You don’t need to watch him ramble off lies for two hours to see he’s not fit for the presidency. You’ve had the last four years of a Donald Trump presidency (sic).

If Donald Trump was in a debate with a poo-flinging monkey, my vote would be for the monkey.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first. But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

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Good


cjones10252020

After Joe Biden mentioned there are over 500 children still separated from their parents, and our government is still unable to find them because of Donald Trump’s separation policy, I could have sworn Donald Trump said, “Good” as a response during last night’s debate.

But, I wasn’t sure if I heard it correctly. So, I hashtagged “good” on Twitter to see if others picked up on it and saw that a lot of people had heard what I heard. I also saw several people on Facebook make the same claim. So I decided to crank this cartoon out quickly knowing that he may not have said it.

Now, I don’t think he said it. I have listened to the tape several times and it sounds like he said, “Go ahead.” Despite that, I stand by this cartoon. I’m glad I drew it and I’m not retracting it. The cartoon is right.

Political cartoons aren’t supposed to be fair. People forget that. Editors forget that. And the reason this cartoon is “good” is because Donald Trump is “good” with the policy that separated these children from their parents. Donald Trump is “good” with an inhumane policy that steals children as a deterrent to other potential immigrants from Central America. Donald Trump is “good” with throwing babies in cages. Donald Trump is “good” with an inhumane policy that caters to his hater base. Donald Trump is “good” with demonizing people. Donald Trump is “good” with building a wall that doesn’t actually stop or decrease illegal immigration, and is only an expensive hate symbol to make the worst of us feel warm and squishy inside. Donald Trump is “good” with his racism.

Last night, Donald Trump said, “I’m the least racist person in this room.” People who say that tend to be most racist people in whatever room they’re in. Usually, after someone makes a claim like that, it’s followed with, “I have a black friend.” Donald Trump is a racist.

Our government has lost track of the parents of 545 children who were taken from them at the border under Donald Trump’s zero tolerance policy. Donald Trump didn’t express any remorse for this. He didn’t say it was too bad. He didn’t say it was wrong. He couldn’t even drum up some bullshit about it being regretful while still supporting the racist inhumane policy. No. Donald Trump said the children are “so well taken care of; they’re in facilities that are so clean.”

My cartoon is accurate and I’m good with it. I’m good with taking down the racist-in-chief.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first. But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

Subsequent Drawing Cartoon


cjones10242020

It’s not usual for me to draw two Rudy Giuliani cartoons in a row. But dammit. After publishing yesterday’s cartoon about Rudy chasing Hunter Biden conspiracy theories and Jeffrey Toobin having his penis out during a Zoom meeting, Rudy had to go make his own penis news.

The sequel to the first Borat movie will be released this Friday on Amazon. Like the first film, actor Sacha Baron Cohen, in his Borat character, spoofs people who don’t know they’re going to be in a movie. It was harder to do that a second time around giving that the public knows who Borat is now, but it looks like he still had a lot of success. One of those spoofed was Rudy Giuliani.

Previously, Rudy put out a statement that Borat had failed to trick him. Yet, for some reason, Rudy Giuliani still ends up in a hotel room with an underage girl with his own hand down his pants fondling himself. Maybe he thought she was his cousin.

We had two penis controversies by the middle of the week. Seriously, it’ll be an accomplishment if we can get through Friday without seeing some old politician’s penis.

The fictional character Borat is from Kazakhstan. In case you’re a Republican, that’s a country. Maybe Rudy, who’s been investigating the Biden’s “corruption” in Ukraine (which is a former Soviet state) can now say he was attacked by Kazakhstan who is trying to help Joe Biden and hurt Donald Trump.

While I was trying to think about what sort of cartoon I could draw about Rudy’s penis, seriously, John Ratcliffe, who is the unqualified Director of National Intelligence and a Trump goon, along with the Director of the FBI, Christopher Wray, staged a press conference about election meddling.

While Russian meddling was mentioned, Ratface specifically cited Iran and their attempts to “harm Donald Trump.”

Voters in four states received emails with physical threats unless they voted for Donald Trump. The emails claimed they were from the Proud Boys, the racist group Donald Trump gave a shout-out to during the first debate.

Ratcliffe said the emails were NOT from the Proud Boys but from Iran, trying to hurt Donald Trump.

Basically, the theory is: Iran wants to hurt Donald Trump, so they sent emails to voters threating to hurt them if they don’t vote for Donald Trump and the idea is there will be a backlash and this will hurt Donald Trump and help Joe Biden. Confused?

Ratcliffe also claimed the Iranians “hacked” and stole voter information like addresses and emails, which is already public information. Still confused?

The emails to voters said, “You will vote for Trump on Election Day or we will come after you.” The real Proud Boys will be doing that on election day at the polls, not after.

The thing is though, we can’t trust Ratcliffe. He’s a stooge and a goon for Donald Trump. He’s not a career professional in intelligence and has even refused to conduct the usual intelligence briefings with Congress in fear information can hurt Donald Trump.

The other thing is: Last night’s press conference was hastily planned. Do you remember the last time the FBI held a press conference days before an election? That was in 2016 when they announced they were investigating Hilary Clinton again…then announced they couldn’t find anything. That too was initiated by a Weiner…Anthony Weiner.

The FBI needs to stop calling press conferences until AFTER the election. Did they learn nothing from James Comey? And since John Ratcliffe can’t share information with Congress, he needs to crawl into a hole between now and election day and STOP trying to do his own meddling.

Russia is the major player in election meddling. Trump goon William Barr, the Attorney General, refuses to acknowledge that. Yesterday, Trump goon Ratcliffe only wanted to talk about Iran. Rudy only wants to talk about Ukraine.

I just know this: If you run into any of these guys, make sure you have hand sanitizer.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first. But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.