claytoonz

Spanky


cjones01212018

I may have mentioned this issue on my last blog. Do you recall anything about “spanking?” Just in case I didn’t, let’s touch on it again. Ew, wrong choice of words.

You may have heard the accusation that Trump had an affair with a porn star named Stormy Daniels after he married Melania and his fifth child, Barron, was only four months old in 2006. Along with this accusation is the charge that Trump paid Ms. Stormy not to talk about it.

But, there was a time when Stormy really wanted to talk about it. Days before the election, she was shopping her story around. She talked to a few reporters and gave an interview to In Touch Weekly. But, she never went on the record with the legitimate press and the only one to get a story was the gossip tabloid. Fox News got a story about a Trump affair, but they chose not to run it. How bad is it that InTouch Weekly has more journalistic credibility than Fox News?

InTouch sat on the story after being threatened by Trump’s lawyers. They finally ran the interview after The Wall Street Journal reported on the affair and payment. Trump’s lawyer has denied there was an affair but not the payment. Stormy has denied the affair which is what hush money is supposed to do, shut people up.

As it turns out, an LLC was set up in Delaware, because that state doesn’t require heads of companies to be identified, and a payment from a pseudonym for Trump’s lawyer went to a pseudonym for Stormy. Ooh-la-la. The amount was for $130,000 which is a huge discount when you claim you’re worth billions.

This payment may be illegal, and guess who’s looking into it? Yup. Special Counsel Robert Mueller. This may be an illegal campaign donation or money laundering. Also, if Trump can be blackmailed by a porn star then what can Putin do to him?

Robert Mueller is not going to debase himself by exploring all the kinky, sick, disgusting sex stuff that makes Donald Trump tick. But I will.

If the cartoon hasn’t made you vomit yet, these details just may do the trick. Another porn star and a friend of Stormy’s told a story that she claims Stormy told her. She said an image of Donald Trump chasing Stormy while he was wearing tighty-whities is an image she’ll never forget. Me either! Stormy told In Touch, “I can describe his junk perfectly.” Thankfully, she did not do that.

Other details are that Trump told Stormy that she reminded him of his daughter. I wondered on social media how that conversation went: You remind me of my daughter…let’s have sex?

Now, do you feel a little something coming back on you? Just wait. It’s worse. Much worse. It’s so bad, that I would feel the need to apologize if I wasn’t loving this so much.

According to reports from people who like to report disgusting stuff, Stormy gave Trump a spanking. Ew, right? Yeah…it still gets worse. She spanked him with a copy of Forbes Magazine. So what? A copy of Forbes Magazine with his children, Ivanka (who the porn star reminded Trump of) and Donald Jr. I don’t know why Eric didn’t make the spanking edition.

In the interview, Stormy said Trump showed her a copy of a “money” magazine (she can’t remember the name) which featured him on the cover, and he talked non-stop about it. A political consultant she talked to later said she told the story of spanking Trump with a copy of Forbes. Trump was on the cover of Forbes in 2006.

Other details include: He promised her an appearance on The Apprentice, a free condo in Tampa, and he hates sharks. He hates sharks so much that he will not donate to a shark charity, and he hopes they all die. He hates sharks more than stairs and vegetables.

I’m going to stop here because I want to eat something later. Are you grossed out? Disgusted? Sickened? Reaching for eye bleach? My job is done.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print (please specify which print you want or I won’t mail one). All donations will receive my eternal gratitude

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On Thin Ice


cjones01202018

I was watching Morning Joe this morning, and for the few minutes they weren’t talking about Donald Trump getting a spanking with a Forbes magazine by a porn star who reminds him of his daughter, they talked to Republican Congressman Jim Jordan.

Jordan did not talk about spankings with a Forbes magazine by a porn star who reminds him of Trump’s daughter, but he did talk about the budget crisis. He said the voters put Trump and the GOP in charge of the government (Before they knew about the spanking with a Forbes magazine by a porn star who reminds him of his daughter) to accomplish all their promises, so Democrats should go ahead and pass the temporary budget fix to keep the government open. If there’s a shutdown, then it’s all the Democrats fault.

Let’s look at that logic. If the voters put you in charge to keep your promises, then why do you need the Democrats’ help? You have control of all three branches of government. How is it the Democrats fault that you don’t know how to legislate? Next, you’ll blame them for Trump’s spanking with a Forbes magazine by a porn star who reminds him of his daughter.

The Republicans could create legislation that would appeal to enough Democrats to pass their budget, but running the government isn’t as simple as Trump getting a spanking with a Forbes magazine by a porn star who reminds him of his daughter

By the way, I wouldn’t talk about the voters giving you a mandate when over three million more of them voted for Trump’s opponent (imagine how many more it would have been if they knew about that spanking with a Forbes magazine by a porn star who reminds him of his daughter), not to mention that over 80% of voters believe Dreamers should be able to stay in this nation. Yeah, that Dreamer issue.

The Republicans argue that Democrats shouldn’t demand it is a part of this budget deal, and that they’re not holding Dreamers hostage (like Trump was held hostage during that spanking with a Forbes magazine by a porn star who reminds him of his daughter). Go talk to a Dreamer who doesn’t know if they’ll get to stay here, continue working or going to school, or end up being shipped to a country they’ve never known. Donald Trump inserted the Dreamer crisis into this issue by revoking Obama’s Executive Order that allowed them to stay here. You broke it, you bought it (which might be something Trump said during that spanking with a Forbes magazine by a porn star who reminds him of his daughter).

Did voters send Trump to the Oval Office so he could lie about legislation? He told Democrats and Republicans that if they sent him a deal on DACA, that he would sign it and take the heat. They proposed a deal and he backtracked. Donald Trump is a liar. Republicans are legislating, trying to send something to his desk, and they don’t know what the man wants (spanking with a Forbes magazine by a porn star who reminds him of his daughter) because he keeps changing his mind.

Right now, we have a better idea of what Trump wants in the bedroom than what he wants in this budget (spanking with a Forbes magazine by a porn star who reminds him of his daughter).

Republicans think it’s crazy that DACA has to be a part of this but not funding for Trump’s stupid “I Hate Mexicans” wall. Why should this be in the budget when we were told Mexico would pay for this wall? That’s almost as crazy as someone wanting a spanking with a Forbes magazine by a porn star who reminds him of his daughter.

Democrats, don’t budge. Don’t give jerks one cent for that wall. Mexico was supposed to pay for it. Don’t bend over (like Trump does for a spanking with a Forbes magazine by a porn star who reminds him of his daughter) because Trump lied and can’t keep a campaign promise.

If Trump can’t keep his promises, Democrats shouldn’t pay for that. Trump should like he paid to keep it quiet that he got a spanking with a Forbes magazine by a porn star who reminds him of his daughter.

North and South Korea are probably laughing at us over this budget thing, in addition to Trump’s spanking with a Forbes magazine by a porn star who reminds him of his daughter.

By the way, did you hear about Trump’s spanking with a Forbes magazine by a porn star who reminds him of his daughter? Some people can’t stop talking about it.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print (please specify which print you want or I won’t mail one). All donations will receive my eternal gratitude

Fake News Awards


cjones01192018

Every year as journalism awards are announced, I’m always disappointed. The trend continued yesterday, and I was left sulking, hurt, wrongly denied, robbed, and a little whiny as I did not receive a Trumpie, a Fake News Award.

Being president is an easy job and the biggest complaint from the occupants of the office is all the free time they have on their hands. The only reason George W. Bush invaded Iraq was that it was quicker to send a million troops to the Middle East than it was to upload Sim City. This was the fault of the Clinton administration because, as a prank, they had removed all the “any keys” from the White House computers.

Donald Trump told us on the campaign trail that it will be easy to accomplish everything he was promising. That’s why he only has one legislative achievement so far. He has to save everything else for his next three years…or three months if Mueller gets cracking. Make Mexico pay for the wall? Easy. Defeating ISIS? Easy. Not enacting Russia sanctions? Easy. Grabbing pussy? Even easier when you’re a star if you pop a couple Tic Tacs first.

Trump needed to find something to fill in the gaps between lying on Twitter, campaigning for 2020, giving Putin back massages, praising despots, and threatening the First Amendment. What he came up with are the Fake News Awards.

Trump announced that on Wednesday, January 8th, he’d hand out awards to all horrible journalists who least lived up to the high journalistic standards of Breitbart, InfoWars, and Fox News. January 8th came and went, and no Trumpies. Then he announced he’d whip them out on January 17th.

Imagine the disappointment for journalists who wasted money on tuxedo rentals as the awards’ ceremony turned into crappy GOP website that gave most users a 404 error message. Gizmodo described it as a “shitty website—like mid-2000s-WordPress shitty.” Sorry, WordPress. That was the Gizzers, not me. Don’t punish me by putting more crappy ads blocking my header and videos that won’t let readers scroll.

Trump has gone after the media with a very fascist-like zeal. The First Amendment is an amendment Constitutionalists hate. Trump’s supporters, who thought Obama’s NCAA bracket was a waste time that would spark a stock-market panic, praised his idea for a Fake News Award.

Reminder: Fake news is any news Donald Trump doesn’t like. Trump lies like Obama was born in Kenya and wiretapped Trump Tower, are real news. The term “fake news” is growing in popularity as Nazis, Klan members and even actual fascists like The Philippines’ Rodrigo Duterte, Venezuela’s Nicolas Maduro, and Putin have each recently used the term to attack journalists (until they remember how much easier and fun it is to simply throw them off a roof).

For Donald Trump, countering facts is serious business. Congress should get their priorities straight and realize that giving fake awards to The New York Times, The Washington Post, and CNN comes before solving DACA and the impending government shutdown.

I was threatened by the campaigns of comedians, Samantha Bee, Stephen Colbert, and Jimmy Kimmel angling for a Trumpie. Colbert argued he was deserving because he was the “least Breitbarty.” I was afraid their prominence would overshadow political cartoonists, and we’d be left out.

Cartooning colleagues and I argued over who was more dishonest and untrustworthy. Our arguments were becoming heated and tense and just when it was reaching the point of virtually slapping each other, we got robbed. As it turns out, the best I can hope for is a block from Trump’s Twitter account. He didn’t just exclude cartoonists, he dissed all the famous talk-show hosts. Bastard.

And, you know….that really pisses me off. Doesn’t he realize I’ll never live up to the high quality of a Branco or a Ben Garrison (look them up)? Why, I don’t think these Fake News Awards are actual awards at all. Why, They’re FAKE Fake News Awards.

And here I thought that fake Free Speech Award from the fascist Iranian government I got last year was setting a precedent for me.

Fuckers.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print (please specify which print you want or I won’t mail one). All donations will receive my eternal gratitude

Girther


cjones01182018

Tuesday, Senator Cory Booker publicly chewed out a Trump sycophant for ignoring reality and lying for the president. And, he wasn’t talking to Trump’s doctor.

Booker was scolding the Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security over her inability to recall if Trump said racist comments during the infamous “shithole” gathering at the White House. During the secretary’s testimony, she said she did not know if Norway was a majority white country. Donald Trump found the only white blonde in the world named Kirstjen who doesn’t know white people roam the fiords of Norway. But, hey. Maybe it’s easy to confuse Norway with Nigeria.

Dr. Ronny Jackson, a Rear Admiral (insert proctology joke here), gave a press briefing on the health of Donald Trump. Instead of screaming, crying, and appearing heavily traumatized as you’d expect someone to react after being in the same room as a naked Donald Trump and having to stick their finger inside him, the good doctor was rather upbeat.

Last Friday after Trump’s physical, the White House issued a statement from Jackson describing the president’s health as “excellent.” The “excellent” part wasn’t the only bizarre thing about the statement, as Dr. Jackson had misspelled his first name.

During the press briefing Tuesday, Jackson said Trump received a perfect score on a cognitive test designed to screen for neurological impairment, which the military doctor said was evidence that Trump does not suffer from mental issues that prevent him from functioning in office. That creates even more questions as many seek explanations for why Trump’s speaking skills have deteriorated over the past few years, and why he can’t reason, rationalize, comprehend, pay attention, express empathy, or speak without using superlatives (great, best, wonderful, terrific, huge, least, etc.). Maybe he’s not crazy and he’s just a stupid asshole.

The test the president took is described as a “rapid-screening instrument for mild cognitive dysfunction” that focuses on “attention and concentration, executive functions, memory, language” and other mental skills. It asks patients to repeat a list of spoken words, identify pictures of animals like a lion or a camel, draw a cube or draw a clock face set to a particular time. Since he passed, we can all be relieved that our president is at least as smart as a juvenile chimpanzee.

The doctor also reported that Trump took Propecia to combat male-pattern baldness. Research tells me the side effects won’t make the user a lunatic, but the president may experience impotence, abnormal ejaculation (maybe that’s why he was slurring recently. “United Shtates, oh mama”), and tender breasts. Aren’t you glad I looked that up?

But back to this “excellent” health thing. Trump is a 71-year-old man who can’t walk stairs and subsists on a diet of Big Macs, KFC, and Diet Coke. How is he in excellent health? The man is the greatest living health oddity other than Keith Richards.

The doctor also reported that Trump is 6 feet 3 inches tall, though a 2012 driver’s license says Trump is 6 feet 2 inches. Strange, I know. Trump had a driver’s license? Oh, yeah, the height difference. At this rate, if Trump serves eight years, he’ll be six feet ten by the time his presidency is over.

The doctor reported Trump’s weight at 239 pounds. What? At six feet two inches, how is Trump only 239 pounds? At that height and weight, he should look more like Tim Tebow and less like the Kool-Aid man. Oh yeah! What is convenient is that 239 pounds at 6-3 put his body-mass index at 29.9, which is just below the 30.0 threshold for him to be officially described as obese, rather than merely overweight. I had to look that up because I am not a doctor. But, I did date a nurse once and then a future nurse, and from that experience, it’s my professional nurse-dating opinion that Trump looks like shit.

I don’t want to become a “girther,” someone who believes in a conspiracy about Trump’s weight. I don’t want to believe the government would conceal and be shady regarding the president’s health, but it wouldn’t be the first time.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt suffered from polio and required a wheelchair to get around. Most people at the time of his presidency were unaware of that fact. They just thought he was really short and zippy. Doctors also used cocaine to clear his sinuses for his speech declaring war against Japan. I watch the History Channel.

In 1893, President Grover Cleveland had surgery to remove a cancerous tumor in his mouth and not only was the public kept in the dark about it, Neither Congress nor the Vice-President knew. To hide the surgery, Grover told the press and the government he was going on a four-week fishing vacation and the surgery was done on a yacht while it was bobbing in the waves of Cape Cod. It’s hard enough to eat off a plate while on a boat, and Grover let a guy stick a scalpel in his mouth. Doctors removed teeth and a part of his jaw and had to construct a prosthetic, so he could eat, chew, and speak normally. His great big bushy mustache helped hide the swelling. The surgery to remove cancer was dangerous enough, but add to it that they performed it on a boat while he was sedated on ether and, damn.

A reporter for the Philadelphia Press found out and wrote a story about it for a Philadelphia newspaper, but the White House denied it and said it was “fake news.” The argument was, you should believe the president over the press. The reporter was eventually fired and the truth wasn’t confirmed for another 25 years.

Grover may not be around anymore, but his tumor is. If you’re into such things and wanna see it, the tumor is on display at the Mutter Museum at the Philadelphia College of Physicians. Road trip! Maybe they’ll have Franklin Pierce’s kidney stone.

I’m sure the government isn’t doing anything suspicious with the information regarding Trump’s health and it’s all on the up and up. Oh yeah. Remember those bone spurs that were so dangerous they kept Trump out of serving in Vietnam? They didn’t check up on those things.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print (please specify which print you want or I won’t mail one). All donations will receive my eternal gratitude

Least Racist Person


cjones01172018

Donald Trump likes to tell us he’s the best or most something of all sorts of stuff. Usually, it means he doesn’t know anything about the specific subject he’s addressing at the time.

He tells us how successful he is, and is a great businessman. He knows more about deal-making than anyone else. What he’s proven to be is a successful conman who’s declared bankruptcy multiple times. He’s been sued (and settled after saying he never settles) for conning millions from people’s life savings with his fake university, a “school” that gave business advice that went out of business. He’s displayed his deal-making abilities while agreeing on a “clean” bill with Democrats, only to have the Republican sitting next to him have to explain what a “clean” bill is.

He knows the most about NATO but would probably struggle to tell you what the acronym stands for. He knows the most about healthcare only to discover after he’s elected that it’s difficult. He knows the most about taxes which mean he’s really good at hiring other people to do his taxes. And, remember how he was going to hire the best people?

He knows more about ISIS than the generals (to be fair, the only general he knew at the time of that statement was Michael Flynn). He’s also told us he’s a “stable genius.”

Trying to kill the shithole controversy, Trump told a pool of reporters, “I am the least racist person you have ever interviewed, that I can tell you.” “That I can tell you,” is how you finish an untrue statement.

This “least racist person” nonsense is only a part of the dumbass defense Republicans are implementing over shitholegate.

Senators Tom Cotton and David Perdue, who were present for the comments, said they didn’t recall the president making those comments. Two days later, their amnesia is cured. Hallelujah! They swear the president never made those comments. The dumbass part of this is you’re supposed to believe two guys, who both want cabinet positions, who couldn’t remember but now remember.

Another dumbass defense is that we can’t trust Democratic Senator Dick Durbin because he’s a Democrat and a liar. Durbin’s story hasn’t changed while those defending the president have changed their stories. Durbin was the lone Democrat in the meeting, and he set himself up for everyone else from that room to call him a liar. Instead, Republican Lindsey Graham has backed him up, told Republican Tim Scott what Trump said, and even stated that his memory hasn’t “evolved” like his Republican colleagues. The biggest dumbass part of this is believing Donald Trump over anyone.

The next dumbass line of defense is the focus on the words. Republicans have even changed the word from “shithole” to “shithouse,” as though they don’t mean the same thing. They tell us it’s not a big deal for the president to curse in a meeting. They’re right. It’s not a big deal for the president to curse. What is the big deal is the racist sentiment, not the language. If Trump had excluded “shit” from his statements and said, “hey, we need fewer immigrants from Haiti, El Salvador, and Africa and instead, have more from Norway,” that would still be racist. Anyone using the defense over cursing isn’t mentally competent enough to have a discussion on the subject.

Another dumbass defense I’ve seen used, but not as much, is that “shithole” is a military terminology. As in, people in the military refer to the location of their deployment as a “shithole.” I don’t have a problem with service members talking that way. I’m not going to tell them they should enjoy the paradise of Fallujah. But this isn’t the issue any more than the cursing part of it. Trump has never been in the military. The meeting was not about military operations, nor was it a briefing with members of the military. It was on a domestic issue with politicians.

Then, there’s the dumbass defense Trump’s privacy was violated. This one is rich. Trump was aided in his presidential campaign by Russian agents leaking private emails. Trump asked Russia, publicly, to leak the emails. His son invited Russians into Trump Tower and was exchanging messages with Wikileaks. But Heaven forbid someone violates Trump’s privacy, which doesn’t exist in this situation. It was not a private meeting. It wasn’t on classified information. It was in the White House with United States Senators. Also, it’s a dumbass defense to say he didn’t say that and how dare you to reveal he said that. Republicans are all about privacy unless you’re hacking a Democrat’s email.

There’s another dumbass defense which shows the racism of the user. This is the defense that Trump can’t be a racist because, while not wanting black and brown immigrants, he’s cool with Asians. Also, “I like Asians” doesn’t mean you’re not racist toward them. For example: Forget her training, expertise, and field of study, “why isn’t the pretty Korean lady negotiating with North Korea?” That’s a dumbass/racism/sexism trifecta right there.

Another dumbass defense is to check how this is playing with the base while denying you said it. He never said that racist shit, but have you seen the glowing reviews from The Daily Stormer?

Finally, the grandest defense of dumbass defenses is that Trump is not a racist. Trump has stated many times he is the least racist person there is.

I know a lot of people who are not racist and I can’t recall any of them ever stating that they weren’t a racist. Maybe that’s because people who aren’t racist don’t have to tell you they’re not racist.

Also, out of all the non-racist people I know, I can’t think of any of them who are birthers, who said Mexico was sending us rapists and murderers, who placed a full-page ad in The New York Times calling for the death penalty for black kids who were exonerated of rape charges, said a judge of Mexican descent wasn’t qualified to preside over his lawsuit because of his race, called people “Pocahontas,” or ever said there were “very fine people” in a group of Nazis chanting “blood and soil” and “Jews will not replace us.”

I also doubt any of them have ever said all Haitian immigrants have AIDS or that African immigrants lived in grass huts. And, they’re rarely ever on the same side of an issue as Richard Spencer, David Duke, The Daily Stormer, etc.

When someone says they’re not a racist, they’re probably a racist. It’s kinda like when a sentence starts with “I don’t want to sound racist but” always finishes with something racist. Or, how “I’m not a racist” often finishes with “I have a black friend.” Combine that with the clue that someone is lying, which is “believe me” and ” that I can tell you,” and you have one racist liar.

Trump’s defenders claim liberals always play the race card and accuse Republicans of being racist in every argument. That’s not true. I believe Republicans like George W. Bush and Mitt Romney are out of touch with people who aren’t billionaires and maybe even with people aren’t white, but they’re not racists. John McCain isn’t a racist. I don’t believe every Republican is a racist. You can even be an asshole without being a racist.

I do believe every racist votes Republican. I also believe that racism is a non-issue for Republican voters. Nearly 63 million voters ignored Donald Trump’s blatant racism.

And, no. We don’t call you a racist on every issue. We do call you a racist when you do racist acts and make racist comments. If you want people to stop calling you a racist, stop saying and defending racist shit. Then, you may not ever have to say “I’m not a racist” ever again.”

Donald Trump is not our first racist president, but he’s possibly our most racist. While he’s not the least racist person we know, he can take comfort in being the “least” in a lot of other categories.

He is the least knowledgeable, the least qualified, the least informed, the least stable, the least competent, the least mature, the least likable, and the last guy you want your wife/sister/mother alone in an elevator with.

That, I can tell you.

Creative notes: Again, I’m drawing Klansmen. I felt self-conscious about it. I asked a colleague, who I respect, if he thought it was OK to use them so frequently. He’s the kind of guy who won’t tell me only what I want to hear. He’s been critical before and has a knack for it being constructive. He thought if the idea is strong enough, and with Trump’s constant racism, then I should go for it. I didn’t tell him the idea, but you can see how it played out.

I was saddened by the news of the death of Delores O’Riordan of the Cranberries. She had an amazing voice and was a huge part of the early 90s sound. So, tonight’s drawing music was the Cranberries…for a few minutes. Linger is a song that really gets to me. It’s beautiful and you can really feel the emotion coming out of the music and vocals. But, I realized it’s really the only Cranberries song I like. I know. Build my gallows high.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print (please specify which print you want or I won’t mail one). All donations will receive my eternal gratitude

Hawaiian Heart Attack


cjones01162018

Every now and then I’m asked stupid questions. Do you like Pearl Jam? Will you draw a nice cartoon about Donald Trump? Do you wanna come over and watch La La Land? Is Donald Trump a racist? Do you miss living in Hawaii? Yes, no, not in a million years, good lord yes, and yes.

Will Durst, a very famous comedian, asked me that last question on a pilot for a TV talk show that wasn’t picked up. I only lived in Hawaii for a year, but I miss it so much that I try not to think about it. Forgetting Sarah Marshall kills me.

I miss Hawaii for the typical reasons shared by others, the people, the food, the beaches, and the climate. But mostly, I miss working for the Honolulu Star-Bulletin. That one year was the most fun I ever had working for a newspaper. I had to draw two cartoons a day which was a grueling schedule, but in return, they left me alone. It was a very creative and competitive staff in a two-newspaper town. Even if I went back, those days couldn’t be recaptured. The Star-Bulletin consumed its rival and is now the Star-Advertiser, the ownership has changed, newspapers don’t hire people anymore (especially cartoonist), and it’s no longer a two-newspaper town.

Though I try not to think about it too much, I think of my friends whenever the state makes national news, like suing Trump or every resident having the life scared out of them by a false missile alert.

Around 8:00 a.m. on Saturday, an employee at the Hawaii Emergency Management Agency pushed the wrong button. From a drop-down menu on a computer program were the selections “Test missile alert” and “Missile alert.” Someone thought it was a fabulous idea to put those two options right next to each other. He hit “Missile alert.” There was not a selection for “Cancel missile alert before you start a state-wide crisis and a million heart attacks.” It took them nearly 40 minutes to inform the state it was a false alarm. North Korea was not attacking the Aloha State. Hope nobody did anything drastic, like burn through all their money or sleep with the loser next door. It was a false what now? Hand me my pants. Mahalo.

Residents of Hawaii and visitors received a text saying, “BALLISTIC MISSILE THREAT INBOUND TO HAWAII. SEEK IMMEDIATE SHELTER. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.” The warning that scrolled across television screens read, “If you are indoors, stay indoors. If you are outdoors, seek immediate shelter in a building. Remain indoors well away from windows. If you are driving, pull safely to the side of the road and seek shelter in a building or lay on the floor.” Do a lot of people drive while watching TV in Hawaii?

People in Hawaii thought they only had minutes before they became Korean barbecue. What do you do in that situation? Panic? Freak out? Seek shelter though you really don’t know where there is shelter? Run in a circle saying “ohmygodohmygodohmygod?” Just accept your fate? Hope the missile hits Molokai? I don’t know how I would react.

I don’t know how Donald Trump would react either, so for once I’m really glad he was on a golf course. We need to keep him where he can’t hurt nothing, damn the cost. I know he wants to push that button really bad. It would suck if we bomb North Korea because a doofus hit the wrong button while trying to skip a YouTube commercial. I really hate those commercials. Just play Pearl Jam already!

At any other time, a mistake like this probably wouldn’t startle as many people. But, with a stupid president taunting a dictator by calling him “Little Rocket Man,” an incoming missile sounds plausible, like “president says N-word.” Yup, very believable. They’re both probably gonna happen.

I am very happy my friends in Honolulu are safe. Bryant, Burl, and Mary can continue to torture me with pics on social media of scenery and lunch. You have not lived until you’ve had Filipino food from a food truck. It’s also the only place where I’ve had gas-station sushi.

Creative note and informative stuff you probably don’t need to know: I didn’t add Trump and Kim in this cartoon until I was almost finished. I was kinda happy I was drawing a cartoon without Trump in it. But when the light bulb lit up, I knew it made the cartoon better.

Coconuts are dangerous. They can fall out of a tree and conk you in the head. In Honolulu, city crews go around snipping baby coconuts so they don’t grow up and fall on tourists. You’ll occasionally see nets at the top of the trees to catch them. I had a tree right outside my office window. It didn’t grow any coconuts, but I did spend four hours one day watching a lizard.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print (please specify which print you want or I won’t mail one). All donations will receive my eternal gratitude

Stormy Shithole


cjones01152018

The new normal reasserted itself on Friday when news broke that the president of the United States of America had an affair…with a porn star…named “Stormy”…who was paid off to keep quiet….and hardly anyone batted an eye. The only way this scandal would have stopped the presses is if the Stormy affair was with Mike Pence.

Donald Trump in a brouhahaha with a porn star, not surprising. Mike Pence having an impure thought, jaw-dropping. That guy won’t peel his own bananas.

Once upon a time there was a president who received oral sex in the Oval Office and all government business stopped for over a year. It just halted. It was like the invasion of Iraq except the invasion was of an intern’s mouth.

Granted, there are some differences between the Trump sex thing (just typing that got an “ew” out of me) and Bill Clinton’s dalliance.

Clinton’s peccadillo occurred while he was president and Trump’s happened over a decade ago before he even knew there were three branches of government (he knows now, right?). But, Clinton’s Oval Office oral sexcapade was huge news before he testified to a grand jury, before Congress impeached him for it, and before the Senate held a trial. But, Clinton is a Democrat, and he’s Bill Clinton. We knew he was horny when we first elected him in 1992. Before the affair became public most of believed it was only a matter of time before he got caught doing something improper with his wiener. Hell, the Republicans wanted it so bad they spent nearly $40 million of taxpayer money digging for it, and all they got for all that time and money was a blue dress with a stain.

Say what you will about Robert Mueller, but he hasn’t run a DNA test on a semen stain.

Trump’s scandal should still be a big deal. He is the president, and he had an affair with a porn star, and then she was paid to keep quiet about it. He was married to his current wife, which is wife number three. He’s a Republican and his voters are supposedly the people who care so much about family and Christian values. Trump is the guy who promised to bring “Merry Christmas” back (since it never actually went anywhere, it’s a lot easier to bring back than coal mining jobs).

So why was this pushed back by the media? Because we’re still freaking out over “shithole countries.” This president has lied on a daily basis about assorted bullshit. He’s attacked women and minorities. He has boasted about assaulting women and been accused of it by over 20 women. He endorsed a pedophile and defended Nazis. He says stupid stuff and then he double downs on the comments. He’s committed treason. We’ve avoided nuclear war so far despite Trump. After all that shit the porn star news is a little refreshing. The biggest surprise about the porn star is that it was consensual. What if we throw in a second porn star?

For the record, the porn star, Stormy Daniels, has denied the affair and having been paid off. Trump’s lawyer, Michael Cohen has denied it too. He denied it while using the porn star’s working name and not her real one, which was kinda weird. But, of course they denied it because that’s how hush money works.

While they have denied it, a deposit of $130,000 was given by Mr. Cohen to Miss Winter’s Los Angeles bank account. Where did that money come from? Did it come from Cohen, Trump, or Trump’s charity?

It seems Miss Stormy was trying to pitch her story to news outlets shortly before the election, and then she stopped returning reporters’ phone calls. A former Playboy playmate was also shopping a story to news outlets (which real news outlets do not pay for), when she finally got a buyer. The National Enquirer bought her story for $150,000 (how are we evaluating the worth of these porn stars?), and then they buried it. No, not on the back page. They never ran it. They bought her story, shut her up, and sat on the story so it wouldn’t hurt Trump’s chances of being elected president.

David Pecker is the head of the National Enquirer. He’s a good friend of Trump. Trump has said the Enquirer deserves a Pulitzer Prize and that Pecker should be publishing The New York Times. Perhaps the weirdest part of this story is that the character named “Pecker” is not in porno. But, wouldn’t it be awesome if Stormy married Mr. Pecker and became Stormy Pecker? I love a good fairy tale.

Another interesting side note to all of this is that Stormy once considered running for the U.S. Senate in Louisiana. Weirder things have happened. She ultimately chose not to seek the seat, and a weirder thing happened. The sitting Senator, Republican David Vitter, won despite a scandal with prostitutes. Seriously, Republicans. You’re the Christian and family values party. C’mon!

This new normal thing is affecting me too. I was working on my last cartoon when I saw a headline about it on Facebook. I just kept scrolling. I had my TV on cable news and there wasn’t anything being said about Trump, porn stars, hush money, or peckers, and I wasn’t watching Fox. After a few hours I thought about it and went looking for the story. I wanted to see if maybe it wasn’t a big deal.

The Wall Street Journal broke the story, so I went there. They had a paywall. I already have three newspaper subscriptions and I’m not about to buy a fourth, but one of those other should help me out. I went to The Washington Post and I couldn’t find anything on it. I went to The New York Times and finally found a story, which took some scrolling. “President, porn, pecker man” was not the top story. I guess after all the other Trump fuckery we’re lucky the Stormy porn scandal doesn’t involve a pee tape….or does it?

I’m just saddened that Miss Stormy won’t talk about it. I have so many questions. Did the president’s thingy work? Why would she sleep with Donald Trump? Was cocaine involved (we are talking about a porn star and Los Angeles. There had to be coke). How gross and disgusting was it? How long did it last? Did she laugh at it? Was it everything Rubio said it wasn’t? Is there a tape? Was pee involved? Can you mix Viagra with Tic Tacs?

The Trump era will not be complete until Donald Trump tweets about porn. For that to happen we all have to talk about it. For my own amusement, I need to hear Trump sycophants and Christians defend pornography and Donald Trump putting “porn” and shithole” in the news in the same week. I need to hear Tomi Lahren justify this.

Who would have guessed “porn” and “shithole” in the same week Trump got a finger up his ass would all be unrelated?

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print (please specify which print you want or I won’t mail one). All donations will receive my eternal gratitude