Perhaps the worst thing that will come of Mars Wrigley replacing their “woke” spokes candies for M&M is that now Tucker Carlson will start drooling over Maya Rudolph. Poor Maya. She doesn’t deserve that.
Personally, I believe the people on Tucker’s staff really don’t like him. It’s like when Donald Trump walks around with toilet paper stuck to his shoe and nobody tells him (Wanda Sykes said you will run across an airport terminal to help a stranger get TP off his shoe). With Tucker, nobody cautions or warns him that he’s going to come off as an entitled prep-school trust fund baby with a weird fetish by delivering a monologue on Green M&M being sexy. Nobody told him to expect a political cartoon on it…or a second.
Poor dumb horny Tucker.
About a year ago, Green M&M lost her knee-high go-go boots for sneakers. Tucker was upset and added it to his long list of cancel culture outrages like Dr. Seuss removing one of its more racist books from future publications, Mr. Potatohead dropping the “Mr,” the sexual-harassing French skunk being removed from Space Jam 2, and Velma having the hots for Daphne. Wait. That last one hasn’t happened yet, has it? We should tell Tucker that Fred has a thing for Shaggy. That will blow his mind. Ruh-roh!
But companies change their advertising campaigns. When was the last time you saw the Geico Cavemen? Hasn’t the gecko campaign run its course yet? And Progressives Flo has been doing it for over a decade by now, right? And Lilly for AT&T…don’t you touch Lilly. She’s wonderful.
But Tucker was livid over Green M&M losing her Nancy Sinatra go-go boots and ranted, “M&M’s will not be satisfied until every last cartoon character is deeply unappealing and totally androgynous. Until the moment you wouldn’t want to have a drink with any one of them. That’s the goal.” He also accused Green M&M of being “less sexy.”
Seriously? This is the number-one-rated news show?
All the M&M mascots have now been replaced with comedic actress Maya Rudolph who Tucker has probably less of a shot with than sexy Green M&M.
But Tucker, when you’re out on the prowl and spot Green M&M in a bar looking all good and sexy and you just wanna take her home to melt in your mouth (I had to squeeze that in somewhere…and I know. Ew), just make sure it’s not George Santos in drag. This is why I prefer plain M&M over nuts.
Music note: I continued listening to Weezer but oddly enough, it wasn’t the Green Album.
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Watch me draw:
Old stupid joke:
Q. What is green and smells like pork?
A. Kermit The Frog’s Johnson.
New stupid joke:
Q. What is green and smells like chocolate?
A. [F/T]ucker Carlson’s Johnson.