Republicans

Do Your Job


cjones02142017

Do your job. That’s what attendees of a town hall conducted by Utah congressman Jason Chaffetz shouted at him last week.

The crowd is upset that the congressman has failed to hold the president accountable for his hateful and dangerous policies. The funny thing is neglecting to do his job didn’t begin after Trump was sworn into office. Chaffetz has spent the bulk of his time engaging in pointless investigations into Benghazi and Planned Parenthood, and trying to end legal marijuana and gay marriage in the nation’s capital.

Chaffetz later accused the crowd of being paid protesters and said he may not provide a venue in the future for “radicals” to further intimidate him. The snowflake provided no proof anyone was paid to attend, shout, and harass him.

I’m on a lot of political mailing lists for conservatives and liberals. Every week someone invites me to join political groups, events, and protests. I hear a lot but I’ve yet to be offered any money to attend a protest or hear from anyone who has. What up with dat?

Despite doing it pro bono, people are showing up to Republican town halls to yell “do you job,” “shame,” and to question their representatives. And to Chaffetz’s credit, at least he actually showed up.

Other Republicans have scheduled town halls and have failed to show up or they have sneaked out the back after seeing they weren’t going to be greeted with cheers and showered with adoration.

If nothing else they could always do what Donald Trump does and make up numbers and claim everyone present was there to cheer them. Though Trump is into a different kind of showering.

Democrats are trying to emulate the Tea Party in building a base for the midterm elections. There’s just one problem with that and it’s the fact Democrats are lazy during midterms. Conservatives are very loyal to the GOP, even when they throw out their incumbents for newer scarier Republicans (How ya’ doing, Eric Cantor? I miss drawing you). Liberals aren’t as loyal to the Democratic Party. A great many of them are independent and feel burned by the party. Go ask a Bernie supporter how he feels about Hillary’s candidacy or Debbie Wasserman Schultz (I miss drawing her).

Another issue is that during the 2018 midterm elections there are 33 seats up for election. Currently 23 of those belong to Democrats and two independents who caucus with the Dems. Republicans only have nine. A lot of these, even for the Democrats, are in states that voted not only for Trump in 2016, but for Romney in 2012.

I expect the Democrats to make gains in the House but they can actually lose seats in the Senate. Even if the Republicans burn the nation to the ground before then.

Creative notes: You gotta know this cartoon is a Blues Brother reference. Just in case you don’t (what’s wrong with you?) I will explain. Warning! Spoilers ahead (and I still haven’t seen Rogue One).

The Blues Brothers steal a gig from a country band at Bob’s Country Bunker, and they tell Bob they are the “Good Ole Boys” band. Bob’s Country Bunker features both kinds of music, “Country” and “western.” As the boys go into their first song, which is neither “country” nor “western,” the crowd becomes rowdy and starts throwing beer bottles at the band. Fortunately for the band the stage is erected behind a protective layer of chicken wire.

The boys appease the crowd by playing the “Theme To Rawhide” and “Stand By Your Man.” The audience loves it yet they continue to hurl bottles at the band.

When I played in bands I never had to play behind chicken wire or dodge beer bottles. But I have been in the predicament The Blues Brothers found themselves in at the end of the night where the band actually owes the bar money because of all the beer they drank. However my bands have always paid the tab and didn’t finish the evening with a high-speed chase pursued by an RV full of angry Good Ole Boys.

I anger and get pursued by good ole boys for other reasons.

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Loud Boom Boom


cjones01152017

The Republican nimrods in Washington aren’t content with repealing Obamacare, moving the American Embassy in Israel just to piss off Muslims, handing HUD over to a guy they wouldn’t give their car keys to, and stripping ethics out of Congress. Now they want to make it easier to purchase silencers for guns. All future mass shootings will now sound like your neighbor’s Prius.

Not only do Republicans and the friendly monsters at the NRA fight and scramble to make access to firearms as easy as possible for murderers and rednecks with small weenies, now they want to make it easier for them to be sneaky about it.

What’s the deal with gun nuts anyway? They have to have the largest firearms with the most firepower that can shoot the most rounds at the fastest speed possible so they can overcompensate for their dinky manhood, yet they’re too loud for them?

You want to be obnoxious yet be quiet about it? You don’t see bikers going to a Harley Davidson shop and ask if they make quiet models? Bikes, like guns are made so people can be assholes. Don’t be a total wimp about it, Nancy Pants.

I am aware silencers aren’t as quiet as they’re depicted in movies. They don’t actually make a low sharp little “pyew pyew pyew” sound. There’s still a bang but it’s muffled, like a car with a muffler. In fact, the same guy who invented car mufflers invented the silencer. See? I research.

Even though they’re not technically silent, and officially they’re called “suppressors,” and they still “bang,” they’re still a lot quieter than guns without muzzles. Someone could easily fire more rounds in a noisy environment like an airport, night club, Congress, before people are aware there’s another national tragedy occurring. Silencers can also be effective in confusing people as to where the shots are coming from (here’s a clue: Look for the angry white guy).

It’s a dumb idea to make it easier for the public to purchase silencers. It’s bad enough idiots in Texas can’t go to Starbucks without an AK strapped to their back. Gun advocates are claiming it’s a safety issue to protect their hearing. There’s two other ways to protect your hearing from guns. One is to purchase earmuffs. How freaking inconvenient is that? It’s gotta be a lot cheaper than purchasing a silencer. Another way to protect your hearing is to stop shooting guns. Stop going to a gun range. That’s like going to a Nascar event and complaining the cars are loud. Surprise! It’s noisy. Next thing you’re going to do is complain that fish taste fishy.

All the self-styled Rambos and Dirty Harrys out there need to get a grip on something other than a Glock. Their new toys and overcompensation shouldn’t take away the liberty of people to survive.

You wanna silence something? Try Trump’s mouth. That is if they can make a muzzle large enough.

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Sucky Healthcare


cjones01062017

During the presidential campaign Donald Trump promised to repeal Obamacare and replace it with “something better.” He never told us what “something better” includes but we’re going to love it.

After The Affordable Healthcare Act was passed in 2012 Republicans attempted to repeal it over 60 times. Not once in that time span have they had a plan to replace it with. Today they tell us they’re going to “repeal and replace.” The details they’re short on is what they’re going to replace it with.

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan is a man who knows policy. He’s intelligent, informed, and is very detailed on specifics. He’s the Republican’s top guy and even he can’t give us details on this replacement. The leeches might be an appropriate analogy as we’re now looking for a healthcare plan from a man who looks like Eddie Munster.

A majority of voters want Obamacare repaired. A lot of premiums have shot up and consumers are feeling the pain. Republican voters want it repealed entirely without considering they may be uninsured afterward. Many are covered by Obamacare and they’re not even aware of it. On top of all this anyone who believes their rates will go down after Obamacare is repealed are idiots. They probably believe Putin is a good guy and we should trust Julian Assange over the CIA. Of course we’re talking about Trump voters so we’re not talking about people who play with full decks.

Voters gave Republicans full control of the government and they’re about to get what has been promised. The GOP plans to trash Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, and access to healthcare for everyone. But hey, America will be great again.

What should be clear to everyone is that Republicans suck.

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Alarmed Over Ethics


cjones01042017

After Paul Ryan was reelected as Speaker of the House yesterday he addressed his colleagues and said “we are not here to be. We are here to do.” It’s what the Republicans are doing in Congress that should concern us all.

What was the very first priority for House Republicans on the first day of the 115th Congress? Kill Obamacare? Strike down the Iran nuclear agreement? Tax cuts for corporations? Blast environmental regulations? Give themselves pay raises and go on a recess? Give Democrats wedgies? None of that.

The first thing they did was prove they have no intentions of actually draining the swamp and they held a secret vote at night to gut the semi-independent office that investigates House ethics.

Why would Republicans do something like this? That’s a rhetorical question. Now that they have the majority in the House, Senate, and a president-elect who believes conflicts of interests and ethics don’t apply to him, they figured it shouldn’t apply to them either. After all, their new leader celebrated New Year’s Eve at his golf club with business partners and guests who paid $575 a piece to party with The Donald (club members had a $50 discount).

Paul Ryan and Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy disagreed with the vote. Trump joined them and criticized it on his favorite platform, Twitter. They weren’t so much against getting rid of the ethics office as they were with the timing of the move. They’ll be fine with it if, and when, it comes later during this session. It will come later.

House members were bombarded with calls from an angry public. This maneuver, orchestrated by Virginian Republican Bob Goodlatte, would have prevented the office from investigating potentially criminal allegations, allowed lawmakers on the House Ethics Committee to shut down any O.C.E. investigation and, for good measure, gagged the office’s staff members in their dealings with the news media.

While Trump was tweeting faster than a speeding bullet criticizing the timing of the vote, his number one gaslighter Kellyanne Conway was on television saying House Republicans have a “mandate” to curb “overzealousness” over ethics. I don’t remember that issue being pressed on the campaign trail at all. Do you? Again, that was another rhetorical question. I think going out with Kellyanne Conway would resemble a mandate (Sorry. That was sexist. I couldn’t resist).

The Office of Congressional Ethics was created in 2008, by Democrats, after  a series of bribery and corruption scandals slammed both parties and sent three House members to jail. Four of the Republicans who joined the Goodlatte gang have previously been investigated by the office.

After the quick outrage the GOP did a huge pivot and dropped it and the issue has gone back to the House to be “studied.” What they’re really doing is studying the best time to whip it out again. Probably sneak it into a bill honoring veterans or a Kentucky race horse. Who knows.

This also shows that as soon as Trump breaks the law and violates his presidential oath, probably on January 21, that this House will have little concern of holding him accountable.

Kellyanne Conway will tell you that’s a mandate.

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Carolina Crybabies


cjones12202016

“Political opposition is a normal part of democracy. Stripping your opponent of power is a normal part of fascism.” -Jennifer Victor. Associate professor at George Mason University.

Fascism seems to be all the rage with Republicans lately. While Donald Trump wants to limit press freedoms, defile the Constitution, and bully anyone who dares criticize him, the Grumpy McGrumpersons and sore losers who comprise the Republican party in North Carolina are literally stripping powers from their next governor. This isn’t just a state fight, this is national. The Resistance is especially important as the GOP is showing other states, and the future Trump administration, how to dismantle democracy and strip the rights away from any opposition.

Why would the North Carolina legislature want to strip power from their next governor? Oh yeah. It’s because, Roy Cooper the incoming governor and Mr. Rogers lookalike, is a Democrat and the Republicans want to make every a bad day in the neighborhood. They’re upset he won and he’s not even a black guy. It’s kinda like when the U.S. Senate says they’re not going to hold hearings or vote on Obama’s Supreme Court nominee because it’s not fair he’s still president while that opening occurred, and dammit, they just don’t want to. It’s called being a sore loser.

While the U.S. Senate ignores the law, the N.C. Legislature is rewriting them. They’re very upset that despite Trump winning their state, their Republican governor, Pat McCrory, lost his re-election bid to Mr. Rogers, er, Cooper. In fact, they didn’t even want to acknowledge they lost the governor’s mansion and spent weeks trying to fight the election results. The GOP is seriously bummed about losing their homophobic governor who was a champion of protecting bathrooms from nobody. Rewriting the laws of the executive branch after the election because you don’t like the winner is just one step short of a coup.

The state legislature is really powerful in North Carolina. They have the numbers required to be veto-proof despite the state not being solid red. North Carolina might be the best example of a divided nation as her rural areas are in a tug of war with the cities (where the educated people live) over political influence. Obama won the state in 2008. Romney won in 2012 and Trump won in 2016. Each of those were squeakers.

Did I mention the legislature is powerful? The Legislature called a special session, as if a Democrat being elected is an emergency. In most states the governor is the one who calls special sessions (they cost money).

So what are they taking away from their next governor? They are limiting the number of employees the governor can hire (down from 1,500 to 425), how many people he can appoint to the State Board of Elections, and strips the governor of his ability to name members of the boards of state universities. They also changed the state court system, making it more difficult for the losers of some superior court cases to appeal directly to the Democratic-controlled Supreme Court. Perhaps the biggest change is that the governor’s cabinet appointees now have to be approved by the State Senate. Being governor in North Carolina is like being married. You can do whatever you want, as long as your wife says it’s OK.

The Republicans are stacking the decks with their troglodytes so they won’t lose influence as the state continues to turn blue. They’re taking gerrymandering to an all new level. They are true pioneers and innovators when it comes to partisanship, hate, and bigotry. It’s kinda like they’re legalizing corruption.

Of course the out-going governor, McCrory, has signed most of the new laws (so far). That’s kinda like spray painting on all the walls and taking dumps in the closets before you move out of a rental property. Let the next tenant find those surprises. Mr. Cooper might wanna check those after he moves in.

There have been protests at the state capitol and many people have been arrested despite there not being any violence. Most of them were arrested for knocking on the door of the viewing gallery in the Capitol building.

North Carolina Republicans are shoving these changes down their constituents’ throats and they don’t even want them to have the right to complain about it.

It’s the normal part of fascism.

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Paul Ryan The Speaker Guy


cjones06302016

I’m kinda disgusted with myself. I feel icky for drawing Larry The Cable Guy, a testament to America’s rejection of intellectualism and a tribute to lowbrow humor and stupidity. I feel all sorts of nasty because I googled quotes from Larry The Cable Guy as I was going to use one for this cartoon and then I decided not to as too many focus on farting. Finally, after reading all the Larry poop jokes I must have lost a few brain cells as I was on the verge of texting copy editor friends of mine with “is it ‘Get ‘Er Done'” or ‘Get-R-Done?'”. All that’s missing is some Luke Bryan music playing in the background (Luke Bryan’s a country singer, right? I can’t Google anymore stupid tonight).

I need a shower but I probably don’t need one as much as Speaker of the House Paul Ryan’s going to after speaking at the Republican National Convention next month in Cleveland.

Before Ryan endorsed Trump he said if Trump didn’t want him at the convention he was cool with it. It probably went down like “really! I’m cool with it. I’ll be fine. I’ll find something else to do. It’s all good. Just go on without me. Seriously.” But then the idiot went and endorsed Trump the same day he described some of Trump’s words as “racist,” and got himself back into that stinky convention commitment. Try worming your way out of it now, Mr. Speaker.

Trump has been reaching a lot of voice mails lately. He’s calling people to speak at the convention and a lot of them aren’t answering, or they’re changing their numbers, burning their phones, going off the grid, going MIA. Seriously, has anyone seen Arnold Schwarzenegger lately? He’ll be back.

Chris Christie will attend but there’s probably catering (that’s not entirely a fat joke as I myself have attended some messed-up stuff for a buffet. I have probably attended 17 Rotarian meetings where the speaker was Trent Lott every. single. time. I’m a newspaper person and we’ll go anywhere for a free sandwich). Newt Gingrich will be there but he’s always selling a book or something (this year it’s a pop-up and the reviews have been amazing. I made that up…about the pop-up and the reviews). Usually congressmen are clawing over each other for a speaking spot. This year they’re running away as if Trump had a leprosy Chlamydia combo going. It’s Chlamydprosy. You don’t want that. It’s hard enough getting people near you as a Republican.

Trump has also stated that if people don’t endorse him, specifically the former GOP candidates like Ted Cruz and John Kasich, that they shouldn’t be allowed to speak at the convention. That might bother Ted Cruz because he’s an attention whore, but John Kasich seems fine with it. He doesn’t need to make the long hour-long slog from Columbus to Cleveland in July. He’s probably already sent the “you do you” text.

Did you think it got weird in 2012 at the McCain/Palin convention when Clint Eastwood talked to a chair? Wait until Ted Nugent reads a love poem to an Uzi.

Traditionally every Republican party leader attends the convention and speaks. Trey Gowdy’s going to the beach and Mark Sanford is walking on a trail. Mitt Romney’s staying home to count his car elevators. John McCain can’t think of a worse place to be, and he was a POW. If there’s a tarnished former president like Richard Nixon, they kinda shove him aside and don’t speak of him. But traditionally former presidents show up. Neither George H.W. or George W. Bush aren’t attending. This is the first time not going to a party is George W. Bush’s choice.

This pretty much leaves speaking at the convention to the likes of Mike Ditka, Bobby Knight, Dana White (he runs that UFC stuff), Tom Brady (he’s a maybe), Brian France (who runs NASCAR which is kind of a sport), and Mike Tyson who’s not even capable of speaking. We’ll probably also be treated to appearances by Sarah Palin and Chachi.

Have you ever seen the warm up acts for a Trump speech? Yesterday in Maine the warm up guy was doing a racist imitation of Native Americans while calling Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas.” Look forward to three full days of that.

Did anyone invite Carrot Top? He was a last-second addition to this cartoon. I know he’s working Vegas but he’s probably available for $300 and a bus ticket. Someone should call him and “get ‘er done.”

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Jump In This


cjones06222016

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!