Republicans

Paul Ryan The Speaker Guy


cjones06302016

I’m kinda disgusted with myself. I feel icky for drawing Larry The Cable Guy, a testament to America’s rejection of intellectualism and a tribute to lowbrow humor and stupidity. I feel all sorts of nasty because I googled quotes from Larry The Cable Guy as I was going to use one for this cartoon and then I decided not to as too many focus on farting. Finally, after reading all the Larry poop jokes I must have lost a few brain cells as I was on the verge of texting copy editor friends of mine with “is it ‘Get ‘Er Done'” or ‘Get-R-Done?'”. All that’s missing is some Luke Bryan music playing in the background (Luke Bryan’s a country singer, right? I can’t Google anymore stupid tonight).

I need a shower but I probably don’t need one as much as Speaker of the House Paul Ryan’s going to after speaking at the Republican National Convention next month in Cleveland.

Before Ryan endorsed Trump he said if Trump didn’t want him at the convention he was cool with it. It probably went down like “really! I’m cool with it. I’ll be fine. I’ll find something else to do. It’s all good. Just go on without me. Seriously.” But then the idiot went and endorsed Trump the same day he described some of Trump’s words as “racist,” and got himself back into that stinky convention commitment. Try worming your way out of it now, Mr. Speaker.

Trump has been reaching a lot of voice mails lately. He’s calling people to speak at the convention and a lot of them aren’t answering, or they’re changing their numbers, burning their phones, going off the grid, going MIA. Seriously, has anyone seen Arnold Schwarzenegger lately? He’ll be back.

Chris Christie will attend but there’s probably catering (that’s not entirely a fat joke as I myself have attended some messed-up stuff for a buffet. I have probably attended 17 Rotarian meetings where the speaker was Trent Lott every. single. time. I’m a newspaper person and we’ll go anywhere for a free sandwich). Newt Gingrich will be there but he’s always selling a book or something (this year it’s a pop-up and the reviews have been amazing. I made that up…about the pop-up and the reviews). Usually congressmen are clawing over each other for a speaking spot. This year they’re running away as if Trump had a leprosy Chlamydia combo going. It’s Chlamydprosy. You don’t want that. It’s hard enough getting people near you as a Republican.

Trump has also stated that if people don’t endorse him, specifically the former GOP candidates like Ted Cruz and John Kasich, that they shouldn’t be allowed to speak at the convention. That might bother Ted Cruz because he’s an attention whore, but John Kasich seems fine with it. He doesn’t need to make the long hour-long slog from Columbus to Cleveland in July. He’s probably already sent the “you do you” text.

Did you think it got weird in 2012 at the McCain/Palin convention when Clint Eastwood talked to a chair? Wait until Ted Nugent reads a love poem to an Uzi.

Traditionally every Republican party leader attends the convention and speaks. Trey Gowdy’s going to the beach and Mark Sanford is walking on a trail. Mitt Romney’s staying home to count his car elevators. John McCain can’t think of a worse place to be, and he was a POW. If there’s a tarnished former president like Richard Nixon, they kinda shove him aside and don’t speak of him. But traditionally former presidents show up. Neither George H.W. or George W. Bush aren’t attending. This is the first time not going to a party is George W. Bush’s choice.

This pretty much leaves speaking at the convention to the likes of Mike Ditka, Bobby Knight, Dana White (he runs that UFC stuff), Tom Brady (he’s a maybe), Brian France (who runs NASCAR which is kind of a sport), and Mike Tyson who’s not even capable of speaking. We’ll probably also be treated to appearances by Sarah Palin and Chachi.

Have you ever seen the warm up acts for a Trump speech? Yesterday in Maine the warm up guy was doing a racist imitation of Native Americans while calling Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas.” Look forward to three full days of that.

Did anyone invite Carrot Top? He was a last-second addition to this cartoon. I know he’s working Vegas but he’s probably available for $300 and a bus ticket. Someone should call him and “get ‘er done.”

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Jump In This


cjones06222016

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

Historic Firsts


cjones06102016

I’ve been itching to draw an Oompa Loompa since Trump first announced his candidacy.

The Democratic Party is making history for the second time in a row with their party’s nominee. After making Barack Obama the first African-American nominee of a major American political party they have now made Hillary Clinton the first female.

In contrast the Republican Party has made a foolish, racist imbecile their nominee.

Some might think this cartoon doesn’t make a political point by calling Trump an “Oompa Loompa.” I think it does by just showing how ridiculous of a person the GOP has sank their future in.

On top of all that I really wanted to draw Trump as an Oompa Loompa.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

Ryan Gets Trumped


cjones06092016

On the same day Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said he was voting for Donald Trump, note he didn’t say “endorse”, he had to make a statement condemning Trump’s racism. On Tuesday he actually came out and described Trump’s statements toward a judge as “racist.”

Within the same paragraph of describing Trump’s comments as racist, Ryan went on to say that he and his party had more in common with Trump than Hillary Clinton. If Paul Ryan had a soul he lost it last Monday.

I get that. They’re Republicans. They’ve spent over two decades trying to destroy the Clintons. But to say they have more in common with an inflammatory racist than with a Democrat is very telling…and very much Paul Ryan selling his soul in the name of politics.

Several Republicans have come out over the past few days condemning Trump for his racist statements. When someone has to defend themselves from racism because of one comment, then maybe they’re not an actual racist and they have been misunderstood. When you have to keep defending someone over SEVERAL racist comments, then the game is up. That tool bag is a racist. Are they really running with the campaign of “vote Trump. He’s really not a racist.”?

A telling sign that someone is a racist is when they’re playing the black-friend defense. Other than Trump screaming at a rally “where’s my African-American,” he’s gone on to tell us again and again how he’s hired people of different races. Yeah, with that analogy slave owners just loved black people. You don’t get a get-out-of-racism-jail-free card with that crap.

Every political cartoonist gets accused of being a racist at some point. We’re also accused of being Nazis, Communists, Traitors, Homosexuals, being without a penis, having sex with livestock, etc. Do you know how I respond to those accusations? I don’t. I don’t worry about having to respond to something that’s not true. My work speaks for itself and a reader without the ability to comprehend really isn’t my problem. Donald Trump has to respond to the racism accusations because they’re true. He also gets upset with the tiny hands comments which is very revealing.

The GOP is very racist. It’s not that they disagree with what Donald Trump is saying. It’s that they disagree that he’s not covert about it. They’re like “shut up. You’re giving away the first rule of Racist Fight Club.” For decades Republicans have cultivated the white vote by screaming about welfare, immigrants, school lunch, quotas, equal opportunity, affirmative action, birtherism, etc. They’re not supposed to go out in public and scream “he’s not good enough because he’s a Mexican.” They like to preserve that stuff for their cigar rooms at their country clubs away from the crowds and media. They’re very good at being covert and imagining welfare queens while winking at poor white voters who are actually on welfare. Minorities are for scapegoating and standing in the background of photo ops. Now they have a nominee too stupid not to say it in public. When Donald Trump shouted at a rally “my African-American” the GOP got off light because Trump was one step away from saying “my n***ger.”

“My n**ger” is a platform Republicans can get with. But it has to be disguised. Disguised with something like, oh…I don’t know….something like “Make American Great Again.”

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

Burning For Trump


cjones05062016

A lot of Republicans are vowing they won’t support or even vote for Trump. Some are even saying they’ll support Hillary. Many are even burning their voter registration cards. I say give them a month, or less. They’ll come around.

I don’t know if I’ve ever had a voter registration card. If I did, I lost it immediately. I’ve needed one to vote, but then again, I’m a white guy. Also, I have only voted in two states in my life and both are open primaries.

I find it bizarre that these Never Trump people are so surprised. Where were they two years ago when Trump was on his birther kick? None of them tried to knock him or the lie down. That would have been a good time to Stop Trump.

They say the Never Trump people got a late start. I agree. They started about two years too late.

A couple years ago the number of Republican voters believing Obama was foreign born and a Muslim was extremely high. The GOP didn’t refute or condemn that falsehood. They let it linger out of their sheer, blind hatred for the president. Now they wonder how they got stuck with a KKK-endorsed reality show host, whose only platform is bigotry, racism, and sexism, as their nominee.

Republicans love to say how deep their field of candidates were this year. There were 17 of those nut jobs. If you cultivated an atmosphere of hatred that a field so deep and talented is, well…trumped by Trump, what does that say about your party?

Republicans have spent the past decade, longer actually, as a party of covert racists, that cultivated and invited racists. Now they’re surprised they have taken over.

Burning crosses one day. Burning down your house the next.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

Trump’s Knight Riot


cjones05012016

Ted Cruz picked up an endorsement on Friday that Donald Trump was coveting. Cruz picked up the endorsement of Indiana governor Mike Pence. They celebrated with a cake bought from a homophobic bakery. I made that last part up. I don’t think that happened.

Turns out the endorsement was kind of a “meh” endorsement. Pence, who does not want to anger Trump voters while he himself faces reelection, started his little spiel on the radio talking about the greatness of Donald Trump. He then said he was voting for Cruz but didn’t want to tell anyone else who to vote for.

I would hate to have a job reference like that. Yeah, hire him or not. The other candidates are good too and didn’t I tell you how much I like the other one? With friends likes these…

Trump has picked up a lot of endorsements. He got the wacky, incomprehensible endorsement of Sarah Palin. We think. He got the endorsement from the senator of Alabama, the super conservative Richard Shelby. He got one from a former rival and sitting governor, Chris Christie, who while not destroying New Jersey goes on the campaign trail with Trump. Trump got the endorsement from convicted rapist Mike Tyson who refers to the candidate as “Donald Thrump.”

The really positive endorsement that could help him in Indiana, and is probably more powerful than getting one from the gay-hating governor, is from Bobby Knight, former basketball coach of the University of Indiana.

Trump’s rallies have attracted violence. Trump himself has encouraged the violence. Now, in addition to the wife-beater and rapist Tyson, he gets Bob Knight, who was accused of choking one of his players, roughing up others, and famously throwing chairs while having a temper tantrum.

Those riot police are going to be busy. There were huge protests in Costa Mesa and Burlingame, both in California, Thursday and Friday. The one in Burlingame, in particular, became very hostile with many people being wounded as protesters blocked the road, stormed the hotel where Trump was speaking, blocked the entrance, and forced organizers to dig a tunnel for Trump to enter the hotel. I made that last part up. But if they had dug a tunnel, it would have been huge, cheaply made, the greatest ever, and built by Mexicans.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

Never Trump Powers Colluding


cjones04262016

“Colluding.” That’s a word I got very tired of today.

GOP presidential candidates John Kasich and Ted Cruz are “colluding” to stop Trump. The deal is this: Kasich won’t campaign in Indiana where Republicans are more fundamentalists and insane (I have a little sister and brother there so I know about the insane part) which makes the state more attractive for Cruz. Cruz won’t campaign in New Mexico and Oregon where Republicans are less reactionaries for God so they probably wouldn’t ever go for Cruz. Plus, Cruz is probably afraid of any place with “Mexico” in the name. John Kasich will go anywhere and eat anything. Sometimes he won’t leave.

The two campaigns in this “collusion” state this is to “stop Hillary Clinton.” You know the wildcard teams in the NFC playoffs don’t spend the first round thinking about stopping the AFC champion in the Super Bowl.

So in the states Cruz is bypassing, Kasich should pick up all the non-existent votes Cruz was anticipating. You know nothing equals nothing. I’m sure there’ll be more success in Indiana for Cruz when he picks up the votes of the only two moderate Republicans in the state that were originally going for Kasich. This is a Hail Mary for the Never Trump movement, which views Cruz and Kasich voters as interchangeable.

Here’s a thing about Kasich (other than eating anything placed in front of him. He’s made Chris Christie say “Damn!”): He has fewer delegates than Marco Rubio, who has dropped out of the race. He’s only won one state, which he’s governor of. He thinks he can come in last and despite nobody voting for him, that the party will anoint him their nominee at a brokered convention. And yet, Kasich is dubbed the “reasonable” one of the candidates. Yup, nobody votes for him so sure he’ll do great in the general election.

Here’s the thing about Cruz (other than he’s creepy, nobody likes him and he has to bribe his daughters with Barbie dream houses to play with him): I mentioned nobody likes him and that hasn’t changed. Cruz is extremely intelligent but his narcissism is so extreme that he doesn’t realize the Never Trump movement isn’t a campaign for Cruz. The movement is a campaign to stop Trump and they’re using Cruz. If they were actually able to stop Trump they would drop Cruz faster than you can you say “ew, get that away from me.”

For the Never Trump movement, Cruz, and Kasich to succeed, they need a better message than “never Trump.” Though, the “never Trump” message is a good one, we’re talking about getting through to stupid people. The only other message so far is “Ted Cruz” and “John Kasich.” Nobody likes those messages.

I saw two other cartoons on this issue so far and both had Cruz and Kasich as Batman and Robin. That’s not where I got my idea.

I’m not sure how well this cartoon will be understood as I don’t know if my “audience” is that familiar with The Wonder Twins. “The What Twins?”, you may ask. The Wonder Twins. They were creepy alien twins in matching leotards with Spock ears. Matching leotards? Hell, if one of my siblings bought a T-shirt I owned, I’d throw mine away. Anyway, The Wonder Twins were on Super Friends which was a horrible Saturday morning cartoon back in the day (Do they still have Saturday morning cartoons?). The twins were really lame and a little too dependent on each other, though their relationship was looked on approvingly from Batman and Robin, also fighting crime in their underoos. They were less cool than Aquaman, who talked to fish (while swimming in his green and yellow underwear). Super Friends was brutally bad and the twins had these stupid powers. They had matching rings, in addition to their leotards, and when they touched rings (creepy), they’d shout “Wonder Twins powers….ACTIVATE!”. The girl would turn into an animal of some sort and her brother would turn into an inanimate object. I felt alien dude got the short end of the stick there as his sister would turn into a lion or soaring eagle and he’d turn into a paper weight. I don’t recall how effective they were at fighting Bizarro Superman with those powers.

I don’t remember why I kept watching the cartoon…oh yeah. Wonder Woman. No complaints with her crime-fighting attire.

So you learned about The Wonder Twins today. That and John Kasich will eat anything. He would eat English food. He’d eat at Burger King. Don’t say you never learn nothing when you come here.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!