Author Michael Harriot tweeted, “I can’t believe I’m saying this but I agree with Tucker Carlson. The new m&ms are totally unfuckable.”
Right now you might be asking yourself, does Tucker Carlson wanna get it on with an M&M, or is he just bottom-feeding for fake outrage?
Right-wing lunatics have been beefing on about “cancel culture” before they even had the term “cancel culture.” For years, they’ve been circling the wagons around their whiteness, religion, and masculinity. Fox News’ Tucker Carlson is one of the ring leaders for this ridiculousness.
They’ve been pissed about Dr. Seuss removing one of its more racist books from future publications, Mr. Potatohead dropping the “Mr,” the sexual-harassing French skunk being removed from Space Jam 2, and now they’re upset over androgynous M&Ms…or something like that.
Since the 1990s, M&Ms has conducted a marketing campaign of the candy as walking and talking cartoon characters. As far as corporate mascots go, it’s not bad. It’s at least better than that annoying Gecko, and don’t get me started on that insurance emu. But each of these M&M characters has its own personality. I’ve never paid that much attention to it but now it’s been pointed out to me that two of them are female and supposedly…sexy?
The Mars corporation, which owns the candy and fills it with chocolate from African child slave labor, is trying to “diversify” the characters and make them more “inclusive.” Tucker is outraged. No, not over the child labor, silly, but that one of the sexy M&Ms isn’t someone he’d like to have a drink with. Yeah. like he would ever have a shot. Tucker is more concerned about brown candy being desexualized than he is about brown children being forced to work in a slave cocoa mine. Priorities, people.
That’s some serious white privilege entitlement. Oh, no. My candy’s not sexy anymore.
Tucker is one of those guys who you know was inventing imaginary girlfriends when he was in white privilege prep school. You had one of those kids in your class. He had a girlfriend but she lived in Canada. And since real flesh-and-bone women wouldn’t give them the time of day except for it being time to buzz off, they’d ogle cartoon women. While most boys were debating Ginger vs. Mary Ann, these frustrated nitwits were comparing Velma to Daphne, Wilma to Betty, Betty to Veronica, Leela to Marge, and Lola Bunny to Jessica Rabbit, who wasn’t bad, but just drawn bad.
So either Tucker, being the divisive fuck that he is on a divisive network, is just looking for some good material to rile up his racist already outraged base, or he’s really horny for some M&M S&M.
In Tucker’s eyes, he probably sees Blue M&M, Yellow, M&M, Orange M&M, Red M&M, Green M&M, and Token M&M. It’s Green and Brown (token) who are the females. Green is trading in her white Nancy Sinatra boots for trainers and Brown is lowering the height of her heels. C’mon, Tucker. You walk around in high heels all day while fighting off horny Red M&M then tell me you don’t want to wear something more comfortable?
Is the concern here about identity? Are we afraid if Green M&M goes from boots to sneakers, that it’ll make her not just less sexy, but androgynous? Does Tucker root around in the bag only to eat the green and brown ones as he can’t put a male M&M in his mouth?
Van Halen used to include in their riders, “no brown M&Ms.” A rider is a contract between a band and a promoter. They include details on what food and beverages will be served to the band. There are also things included like candles, rugs, and incense…frivolous rock-star privileges like that. Van Halen’s no-brown-M&Ms rule is one of the most famous rider inclusions. Were these rock stars so indulgent that they required promoters to hire someone specifically to pick out all the brown M&Ms? Was this done just to show they could make that demand? That’s part of it, but it was also a tactic to see if the promoter actually read the rider. If the band found brown M&Ms among all the catering, then what else did the promoter leave out? If there are brown M&Ms, then did the promoter ignore important safety issues in the contract? Because of the promoter’s lack of attention to the details, would it lead to David Lee Roth being electrocuted to death in Wichita by an ungrounded microphone thus forcing the band to hire a new lead singer who had more range, yeah, but he could only write lyrics that used food analogies to sex. So, the no-brown M&Ms thing was less about woke chocolate and more about their lead singer not being electrocuted to death before the band had the opportunity to fire him along with his assless leather pants.
Tucker went on one of his rants, calling the new M&Ms “less sexy, ” and said, “M&M’s will not be satisfied until every last cartoon character is deeply unappealing and totally androgynous. Until the moment you wouldn’t want to have a drink with any one of them. That’s the goal.”
Have you bought a bag of M&Ms ever? If you look in the bag, they’re all pretty androgynous, because they’re candy, and there’s nothing really sexy about them. At least, not in my opinion. Again, it’s simple round candy. It’s chocolate in a colored shell. I don’t care if an M&M identifies as male or female. To me, I identify them as candy.
When I was a kid, my friends and I debated about M&Ms, but it was peanut vs. plain.
I like plain M&Ms.
I prefer peanut M&Ms.
It was a simpler time.
What I wanna know is, which M&M does Tucker want to have a drink with? Which one does he find sexy? Does he find all of them sexy, even Blue? And don’t say Tucker doesn’t wanna hook up with Brown because Tucker is a white nationalist, but hold on there. Hall of Fame racist Strom Thurmond used to have sex with black women and not tell anyone, so maybe Tucker would have a drink with Brown M&M in some dark and seedy bar where can only enter through an alley and none of the patrons watch Fox News. Don’t judge.
And look at Mitch McConnell. You know Mitch is racist because he told us last week that black voters aren’t Americans, but his wife is Elaine Chao, who isn’t just a non-white person but also a real live woman who exists here in the real world.
Chocolate is good but I still don’t find it sexy, even in go-go boots. I don’t find Green M&M sexy, even in my current drought. But, despite being a cartoon of candy, Green M&M can still do a lot better than Tucker Carlson. So can Brown M&M. And you know what they say. Once you go Brown M&M, you don’t come back.
We’ve all been shot down and rejected at some point in our lives by the better sex, but I’d wager Tucker has experienced that more than most. He’s no David Lee Roth. Hell, he’s no Sammy Hagar. I bet even the bass player, Michael Anthony, gets more Green M&Ms than Tucker.
And now, Tucker can add being rejected by a cartoon to his list.
Creative note: I had about four ideas on this subject but I went with this one as it was the weirdest. My Tucker was kinda inspired by that old Warner Bros. cartoon where the city wolf invites his country wolf cousin to the city,, takes him to a club, and he howls at a red-head singer on stage.
Also, I did a Google Image search of “peep shows” and my first results were the yellow candy birds. Then I tried it with “peep show strippers” and I got a bunch of porn. I honestly wasn’t looking for either. I just wanted to see the layout of the windows and the money machine. I eventually just had to invent it myself.
Music Note: Today, I jammed out to the Red Hot Chili Peppers while drawing.
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