Perhaps the worst thing that will come of Mars Wrigley replacing their “woke” spokes candies for M&M is that now Tucker Carlson will start drooling over Maya Rudolph. Poor Maya. She doesn’t deserve that.
Personally, I believe the people on Tucker’s staff really don’t like him. It’s like when Donald Trump walks around with toilet paper stuck to his shoe and nobody tells him (Wanda Sykes said you will run across an airport terminal to help a stranger get TP off his shoe). With Tucker, nobody cautions or warns him that he’s going to come off as an entitled prep-school trust fund baby with a weird fetish by delivering a monologue on Green M&M being sexy. Nobody told him to expect a political cartoon on it…or a second.
Poor dumb horny Tucker.
About a year ago, Green M&M lost her knee-high go-go boots for sneakers. Tucker was upset and added it to his long list of cancel culture outrages like Dr. Seuss removing one of its more racist books from future publications, Mr. Potatohead dropping the “Mr,” the sexual-harassing French skunk being removed from Space Jam 2, and Velma having the hots for Daphne. Wait. That last one hasn’t happened yet, has it? We should tell Tucker that Fred has a thing for Shaggy. That will blow his mind. Ruh-roh!
But companies change their advertising campaigns. When was the last time you saw the Geico Cavemen? Hasn’t the gecko campaign run its course yet? And Progressives Flo has been doing it for over a decade by now, right? And Lilly for AT&T…don’t you touch Lilly. She’s wonderful.
But Tucker was livid over Green M&M losing her Nancy Sinatra go-go boots and ranted, “M&M’s will not be satisfied until every last cartoon character is deeply unappealing and totally androgynous. Until the moment you wouldn’t want to have a drink with any one of them. That’s the goal.” He also accused Green M&M of being “less sexy.”
Seriously? This is the number-one-rated news show?
All the M&M mascots have now been replaced with comedic actress Maya Rudolph who Tucker has probably less of a shot with than sexy Green M&M.
But Tucker, when you’re out on the prowl and spot Green M&M in a bar looking all good and sexy and you just wanna take her home to melt in your mouth (I had to squeeze that in somewhere…and I know. Ew), just make sure it’s not George Santos in drag. This is why I prefer plain M&M over nuts.
Music note: I continued listening to Weezer but oddly enough, it wasn’t the Green Album.
Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.
Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are 19 copies of my book in stock, which go for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.
Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402.
Republicans are having racist conniption fits over President Joe Biden’s pledge to nominate a black woman to fill the vacancy left on the Supreme Court by Justice Stephen Breyer’s retirement. They’re trying to mask their opposition to Biden’s promise by claiming it’s about choosing the most qualified person to sit on the highest court in the land, no matter what their race or sex may be.
Really? No.
Before Ronald Reagan was elected in 1980, he promised during his campaign that if he got a nomination to the Supreme Court, his first would be a woman. When a vacancy did come up in his first year, he kept his promise and nominated Sandra Day O’Connor. Reagan got three justices on the court, but he made four nominations. The three that made it, O’Connor, Antonin Scalia, and Anthony Kennedy, each got over 97 votes. Trump’s three steals barely got 50 each. Reagan nominated Robert Bork who was so far right, even several Republicans voted against him. He only got 42 votes. This was back when Republicans, some of them, would refuse an unqualified and racist nominee. Reagan’s next choice wasn’t ever formally nominated though Reagan said it was his intention to do so. Douglas Ginsburg was the choice but withdrew after it was discovered he had smoked some marijuana once upon a time. This was the 80s. Kennedy was the nominee who finally got through the Senate.
After Ruth Bader Ginsburg passed away, Trump promised to nominate a woman. Trump did nominate Amy Coney Barret but she was actually chosen by Mitch McConnell. No other candidate was vetted, or at least not seriously.
When Ronald Reagan and Donald Trump both promised to nominate a woman to the Supreme Court, Republicans howled in protest and demanded they nominate the best person, regardless of sex or race. Just kidding. There was none of that. The only real requirement for these justices was that they would be religious zealots who’d strike down abortion and recognize that guns and corporations are human beings. Two of Reagan’s picks let him down on those scores.
Today, Republicans are screaming about nominating the most qualified person and we shouldn’t even look at sex or race. But this party talking about the most qualified also put lightweight sex fiends Clarence Thomas and Brett Kavanaugh on the court.
Mississippi Senator Roger Wicker said during a radio interview, “The irony is that the supreme court is at the very time hearing cases about this sort of affirmative racial discrimination while adding someone who is the beneficiary of this sort of quota.” He added, “The majority of the court may be saying writ large that it’s unconstitutional. We’ll see how that irony works out.” Wicker didn’t express any opinions on the constitutionality of Clarence Thomas voting on cases his wife is tied to.
The Supreme Court was founded in 1789 and it took nearly 200 years before a woman was placed on it. Of the 115 people who’ve been seated on the court, 108 have been white men. Roger Wicker now wants to yell about affirmative action? Do you honestly believe each of those 108 white men was the most qualified in their time? Being a white wan was one of the qualifications for the Supreme Court until 1967.
Without knowing who President Biden is going to nominate, Wicker said, “I think they will misinterpret the law.” Good job keeping an open mind there, Roger. Could you at least pretend? Wicker is worried about the judgment of a person he’s judging without even knowing yet. That’s like when I knew the guys my little sister was bringing home to meet me were idiots before I met them. Except, in that case, they were all idiots.
Fortunately for Roger Wicker, Mississippi does NOT pick the most qualified for its Senate seats. Case in point: Cyndi Hyde-Smith, a woman, is the other Senator. She’s a big fan of campaigning with nooses and Confederate flags.
Wicker predicts Biden’s nomination of a black woman won’t get one Republican vote. He may be right.
Georgetown Law faculty member and former lawyer for the right-wing CATO Institute Ilya Shapiro tweeted his preferred pick, Sri Srinivasan, is Asian and “doesn’t fit into the latest intersectionality hierarchy so we’ll get a lesser black woman.” He also tweeted Biden’s pick “will always have an asterisk attached” to her name, a kind of “affirmative action” scarlet letter on her permanent judicial record. I’ve been saying the same thing about the three goons on the court only because Vladimir Putin helped the reality TV host who nominated them to steal the Oval Office.
Florida state representative Anthony Sabatini demanded the president “be impeached for his anti-white racist exclusion of any white nominee to the Supreme Court.” Again, 108 white guys on the Supreme Court.
George Washington University legal professor Jonathan Turley tweeted that Biden’s pick will cause all kinds of “jarring and incongruous moments” because “when the justices will hear arguments on the use of race in (college) admissions, one member will have been selected initially through an exclusionary criteria of race and sex.” One member? How about Clarence Thomas, who is only on the court because he’s a black male conservative?
When did President Biden EVER state he was making his pick on an “exclusionary” criteria?
Tucker Carlson and Candace Owens have also both falsely claimed being black and female is the only qualification President Biden is seeking. Owens, who is black and female, claims she fits the bill and conservative white men have brought her name up as a nominee because they like black friends who say what they say (Candace, a former liberal, figured out there’s an industry to that). But these fuckers screaming about qualifications ignore the fact Owens is not a judge, or a lawyer, or have a bachelor’s degree, or any college degree, or is even competent at doing whatever it is she does.
Tucker, proving once again he’s a real piece of something and that conservative “humor” only relies on stupidity and vileness, said Biden should nominate the sister of George Floyd, Bridgette Floyd. He said, “she is not a judge or a lawyer or whatever, but in this case, who cares? Clearly, that’s not the point anymore…this law stuff.”
Tucker spreads racism and conspiracy theories on a supposed news network. Clearly, that’s not the point anymore…this journalism stuff.
Where were these conservatives’ howls of protests and pearl-clutching over qualifications when Reagan and Trump promised to nominate women? Where were these protests when Trump put nine judges on the federal bench that the American Bar Association rated as not qualified? Seven of them have lifetime appointments.
Of President Barack Obama’s federal appointments (that weren’t blocked by McConnell), 42 percent were women. Only 24% of Trump’s were women.
When it comes to race, Trump appointed fewer non-white judges than Obama (36%), Clinton (25%), Carter (22%), and even George W. Bush (18%). Only 16% of Trump’s judges were non-white, and he only got his percentage that high because a few of them were Oompa-Loompas.
There has NEVER been a black woman on the Supreme Court. Some of the most qualified people to serve on federal benches, including the Supreme Court are black women. If anything, being a black woman is another qualification to add on top of the rest of their qualifications. This nation is actually being robbed from a lack of diversity. Hell, Reagan even once said he wanted to put an Italian on the court, and Republicans didn’t yelp about affirmative action or asterisks.
Hell, these people didn’t like it when President Obama nominated a moderate white guy for the Supreme Court in 2016. Republicans will scream over any nomination President Biden makes. Now, they’re thinking if they pick something specific, even before they know who the person is, they can make it seem like they’re not opposing just because it’s a Democratic president’s pick. Unfortunately, that one thing they chose is racist. But this probably sells really well in Mississippi.
Biden’s pick will be more qualified than any of Trump’s three picks. And, his pick wasn’t stolen or influenced by Russia. This will be the purest confirmation to the Supreme Court since Elena Kagan, even if no Republicans vote for whomever Biden selects.
Republicans are claiming 239 years is too soon to appoint a black woman to the Supreme Court. That’s racist.
Music Note: I listened to some Beatles while drawing today.
Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.
Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are 19 copies of my book in stock, which go for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.
Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402.
Right now you might be asking yourself, does Tucker Carlson wanna get it on with an M&M, or is he just bottom-feeding for fake outrage?
Right-wing lunatics have been beefing on about “cancel culture” before they even had the term “cancel culture.” For years, they’ve been circling the wagons around their whiteness, religion, and masculinity. Fox News’ Tucker Carlson is one of the ring leaders for this ridiculousness.
They’ve been pissed about Dr. Seuss removing one of its more racist books from future publications, Mr. Potatohead dropping the “Mr,” the sexual-harassing French skunk being removed from Space Jam 2, and now they’re upset over androgynous M&Ms…or something like that.
Since the 1990s, M&Ms has conducted a marketing campaign of the candy as walking and talking cartoon characters. As far as corporate mascots go, it’s not bad. It’s at least better than that annoying Gecko, and don’t get me started on that insurance emu. But each of these M&M characters has its own personality. I’ve never paid that much attention to it but now it’s been pointed out to me that two of them are female and supposedly…sexy?
The Mars corporation, which owns the candy and fills it with chocolate from African child slave labor, is trying to “diversify” the characters and make them more “inclusive.” Tucker is outraged. No, not over the child labor, silly, but that one of the sexy M&Ms isn’t someone he’d like to have a drink with. Yeah. like he would ever have a shot. Tucker is more concerned about brown candy being desexualized than he is about brown children being forced to work in a slave cocoa mine. Priorities, people.
That’s some serious white privilege entitlement. Oh, no. My candy’s not sexy anymore.
Tucker is one of those guys who you know was inventing imaginary girlfriends when he was in white privilege prep school. You had one of those kids in your class. He had a girlfriend but she lived in Canada. And since real flesh-and-bone women wouldn’t give them the time of day except for it being time to buzz off, they’d ogle cartoon women. While most boys were debating Ginger vs. Mary Ann, these frustrated nitwits were comparing Velma to Daphne, Wilma to Betty, Betty to Veronica, Leela to Marge, and Lola Bunny to Jessica Rabbit, who wasn’t bad, but just drawn bad.
So either Tucker, being the divisive fuck that he is on a divisive network, is just looking for some good material to rile up his racist already outraged base, or he’s really horny for some M&M S&M.
In Tucker’s eyes, he probably sees Blue M&M, Yellow, M&M, Orange M&M, Red M&M, Green M&M, and Token M&M. It’s Green and Brown (token) who are the females. Green is trading in her white Nancy Sinatra boots for trainers and Brown is lowering the height of her heels. C’mon, Tucker. You walk around in high heels all day while fighting off horny Red M&M then tell me you don’t want to wear something more comfortable?
Is the concern here about identity? Are we afraid if Green M&M goes from boots to sneakers, that it’ll make her not just less sexy, but androgynous? Does Tucker root around in the bag only to eat the green and brown ones as he can’t put a male M&M in his mouth?
Van Halen used to include in their riders, “no brown M&Ms.” A rider is a contract between a band and a promoter. They include details on what food and beverages will be served to the band. There are also things included like candles, rugs, and incense…frivolous rock-star privileges like that. Van Halen’s no-brown-M&Ms rule is one of the most famous rider inclusions. Were these rock stars so indulgent that they required promoters to hire someone specifically to pick out all the brown M&Ms? Was this done just to show they could make that demand? That’s part of it, but it was also a tactic to see if the promoter actually read the rider. If the band found brown M&Ms among all the catering, then what else did the promoter leave out? If there are brown M&Ms, then did the promoter ignore important safety issues in the contract? Because of the promoter’s lack of attention to the details, would it lead to David Lee Roth being electrocuted to death in Wichita by an ungrounded microphone thus forcing the band to hire a new lead singer who had more range, yeah, but he could only write lyrics that used food analogies to sex. So, the no-brown M&Ms thing was less about woke chocolate and more about their lead singer not being electrocuted to death before the band had the opportunity to fire him along with his assless leather pants.
Tucker went on one of his rants, calling the new M&Ms “less sexy, ” and said, “M&M’s will not be satisfied until every last cartoon character is deeply unappealing and totally androgynous. Until the moment you wouldn’t want to have a drink with any one of them. That’s the goal.”
Have you bought a bag of M&Ms ever? If you look in the bag, they’re all pretty androgynous, because they’re candy, and there’s nothing really sexy about them. At least, not in my opinion. Again, it’s simple round candy. It’s chocolate in a colored shell. I don’t care if an M&M identifies as male or female. To me, I identify them as candy.
When I was a kid, my friends and I debated about M&Ms, but it was peanut vs. plain. I like plain M&Ms. I prefer peanut M&Ms. You’re gay.
It was a simpler time.
What I wanna know is, which M&M does Tucker want to have a drink with? Which one does he find sexy? Does he find all of them sexy, even Blue? And don’t say Tucker doesn’t wanna hook up with Brown because Tucker is a white nationalist, but hold on there. Hall of Fame racist Strom Thurmond used to have sex with black women and not tell anyone, so maybe Tucker would have a drink with Brown M&M in some dark and seedy bar where can only enter through an alley and none of the patrons watch Fox News. Don’t judge.
And look at Mitch McConnell. You know Mitch is racist because he told us last week that black voters aren’t Americans, but his wife is Elaine Chao, who isn’t just a non-white person but also a real live woman who exists here in the real world.
Chocolate is good but I still don’t find it sexy, even in go-go boots. I don’t find Green M&M sexy, even in my current drought. But, despite being a cartoon of candy, Green M&M can still do a lot better than Tucker Carlson. So can Brown M&M. And you know what they say. Once you go Brown M&M, you don’t come back.
We’ve all been shot down and rejected at some point in our lives by the better sex, but I’d wager Tucker has experienced that more than most. He’s no David Lee Roth. Hell, he’s no Sammy Hagar. I bet even the bass player, Michael Anthony, gets more Green M&Ms than Tucker.
And now, Tucker can add being rejected by a cartoon to his list.
Creative note: I had about four ideas on this subject but I went with this one as it was the weirdest. My Tucker was kinda inspired by that old Warner Bros. cartoon where the city wolf invites his country wolf cousin to the city,, takes him to a club, and he howls at a red-head singer on stage. Also, I did a Google Image search of “peep shows” and my first results were the yellow candy birds. Then I tried it with “peep show strippers” and I got a bunch of porn. I honestly wasn’t looking for either. I just wanted to see the layout of the windows and the money machine. I eventually just had to invent it myself.
Music Note: Today, I jammed out to the Red Hot Chili Peppers while drawing.
Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.
Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are 19 copies of my book in stock, which go for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.
Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402.
claytoonz 