Florida Taliban


Cjones08152021

Right-wing extremists are encroaching upon innocent victims and insisting they be controlled by their fundamentalists dogma. These extremists are religious nut jobs who abandoned facts and science a long time ago in favor of cultist beliefs. Their outdated culture is used to oppress women and threatens the lives of millions. For these extreme conservatives, their anti-science cult leaders are the heroes and the villains are scientists, doctors, nurses, and educators. The government is being taken over by these racist fundamentalists who have no tolerance for diversity. Many have given up on the area and the innocent and enlightened are encouraged to take their families and flee for their lives before it’s too late.

Yes, my friends…Florida is a lost cause. I also hear Afghanistan is pretty bad.

The Taliban is on the verge of retaking Afghanistan after losing near-complete control two decades ago. A lot of people are blaming President Joe Biden for this as he evacuated all military personnel. But I think this validates the president pulling our troops out. If the government of Afghanistan can’t maintain control of its country after being propped up by the U.S. military for over two decades, then they never will. the only way for us to keep the Taliban from retaking Afghanistan would be for us to be there forever. If anything, we have wasted two decades and according to the Pentagon’s latest numbers, over $815 billion on the war in that nation. Other institutions have that number over $900 billion.

I feel bad for everyone in Afghanistan who’s not a fundamentalist whack job that bans women from schools and blows up statues, but instead of spending $900 billion on a lost cause in Afghanistan, we could have spent that money at home. We could have given everyone a free college education, healthcare, fixed our infrastructure, brought broadband to Arkansas, or at the very least, had taken everyone to Arby’s at least 12 times. Disclaimer: Cartoonists are notoriously bad at math and I’m just guessing at these figures. But I don’t need to be a mathamawhatchmacallit to know we could have funded a lot of cool shit and still gone to Arby’s with $900 billion.

Not only should we give up on Afghanistan, we should also give up on Florida.

Even without the right-wing fundamentalists taking everything over, Florida’s always been a little messed up. Remember the entire hanging chad thing in 2000 when Florida’s election for president was stolen from Al Gore and given to George W. Bush? And then Bush started two wars with one of them being in…wait for it…Afghanistan. So in a way, our two decades war in Afghanistan is kind of Florida’s fault. Thanks, Florida.

We we had high hopes for Florida. President Obama won it twice. We thought Hillary Clinton would win it in 2016 but surprise, Trump took it. I was like, “Whaaaaaa’at?” Then, we thought Andrew Gillum would win the governorship but instead, Florida gave it to guy who ran commercials showing him teaching his daughter how to build a racist border wall out of Legos. Florida let Rick Scott, Voldemort’s doppelganger, go from being its idiotic and hateful governor to being one of its idiotic and hateful senators. The other Senator is Marco Rubio. One of its congressmen is Matt Gaetz, a right-wing Trump cultist idiot who is under investigation for being a pedophile. Then, Florida voted again for Donald Trump.

The most shocking thing about Florida is that Rand Paul and Ted Cruz aren’t from there.

Now, with the Delta Variant proving it’s a really bad idea not to be vaccinated, Ron DeSantis, the racist Lego guy, is trying to prevent schools from mandating face masks.

Also, Florida is full of flying buzzy stingy things, other creatures that crawl and slither and should be in places like Burma instead of the United States, it’s nearly impossible to go through the day without walking into at least one spider web, backyard swimming pools have a 70/30 human to alligator ratio, it’s really sticky, and if you go to the beach, the sand just gets everywhere.

Florida is so toxic that if Dwayne the Rock Johnson was to film one of his crappy movies where he’s wearing a ridiculous hat while he and his muscles are braving the Florida swamps…they’d probably film it in Atlanta. Seriously, everything is being made in Atlanta now, and that stupid hat on The Rock alone is stopping me from seeing Disney’s “Jungle Cruise.” Besides, I already saw “The Mummy.”

Then there’s Florida Man. Who’s Florida Man? Florida Man is a Floridian who does shit like…

Throwing an alligator through a Wendy’s drive-thru window. This is really messed up because you should never drive without putting a seatbelt on your gator.

When Hurricane Irma was hitting Florida, thousands of Florida Mans went outside…to shoot at the hurricane. Why didn’t they just throw alligators at it?

Florida Man decided that when he left a hospital, he should do so by stealing an ambulance.

Florida Man broke into a jail to hang out with his friends. He was lonely. I kinda expect this to happen a lot after Donald Trump is arrested.

Florida Man robbed a Game Stop while wearing a bag on his head…a transparent bag.

Florida Man paints anti-Hillary messages on Tampa Bay crabs. It was probably Matt Gaetz.

Florida Man stole a car while a monkey was clinging to his chest. No word if there was an alligator in the car.

Florida Man steals peacocks.

Florida Man kills a goat and drinks its blood for a Pagan sacrifice…and then runs for the Senate. Shockingly, it was NOT Rick Scott. Also, Paganism is still behind Trumpism for Florida’s favorite cult.

Florida Man tries to burn down his former lover’s house with pasta sauce…while disguised as a bull. That’s actually smart because the costume will throw investigators off. Bulls are well-known for their dislike of pasta.

Florida Man stole a BMW after failing to purchase it with food stamps.

Florida Man practices karate on swans. The swans won.

Florida Man was kicked out of a Trump rally for wearing a fake penis on his head. Only real penises are allowed on heads at Florida Trump rallies. They did let him back in when they realized it was Eric Trump.

Florida Man gets arrested for riding manatees. “Riding” is a euphemism here and it was Matt Gaetz.

Florida Man steals bees.

At another Wendy’s (or maybe the same Wendy’s), Florida Man climbs to the roof in his underwear to yell at traffic.

Another Florida Man smuggled another alligator, a dead one this time, in his car. Do all Florida cars have a 70/30 human to alligator ratio?

Florida Man keeps a dozen stolen zoo animals in his apartment. No word on how many were alligators.

Florida Man tries to walk out of Walmart with over $170 worth of steak and lobster in his pants. At least they weren’t alligators.

Florida Man beats a drag queen with a tiki torch while dressed as Klansman…then runs for mayor. How do they know he wasn’t a Klansman? Also, I’m predicting he ran as a Republican.

Florida Man breaks into a delivery room where his ex is giving birth and starts a fight with her boyfriend.

Florida Man calls 911 to talk about Hitler. Was the call coming from Mar-a-Lago?

And finally, Florida Man screams from a shitty golf course that he won an election he lost and will eventually be reinstated. Next, he’ll climb on top of a Wendy’s with an alligator to scream at traffic about the stolen election. I’m calling it.

I have two clients in Florida (I had more before the pandemic). One of the editors told me I should move to Florida because I would have a Florida topic every day. I could probably support myself just by syndicating to Florida news outlets. But then I look at Florida…and yeah, no. I would really enjoy cartooning Florida but I don’t think I could deal with living there. I know I don’t want to. Honestly, I could probably maybe handle the lunacy, but I can’t handle that kind of heat anymore. And it’s sticky. I hate sticky almost as much as bulls hate pasta.

Ron DeSantis and his fellow right-wing extremists, his Florida Taliban, are intent on destroying Florida. Maybe it’s time we gave up on Florida. The only question is: Where do we resettle all the refugees?

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14 comments

  1. Sadly, Florida doesn’t have a monopoly on jackassery. Shasta County here in the nutball fringe of NorCal we have far more than our share of conservative kooks.To wit: A group fomenting a “The Red, White, and Blueprint” recall of conservative republican supervisors for “not standing up to Newsom.” Closely aligned is the Cottonwood militia and many law enforcement personnel. Then there’s the megachurch, Bethel, where Franklin Graham ended his pro-trump tour.

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  2. Reblogged this on It Is What It Is and commented:
    These words hurt my heart … and it’s the sad truth!! … “Right-wing extremists are encroaching upon innocent victims and insisting they be controlled by their fundamentalists dogma. These extremists are religious nut jobs who abandoned facts and science a long time ago in favor of cultist beliefs.

    Yes, my friends … Florida is a lost cause. I also hear Afghanistan is pretty bad.”

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  3. The claim that Florida is more ‘sticky’ than anywhere else is a false one. Besides, everything’s air-conditioned. My friends Up Nort’ (Wisconsin, where I lived for 60+ years) lose more ‘outdoor time’ to blizzards and cold than I do to hurricanes and heat.

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  4. Yeah, Florida is pretty bad these days. Let me know when you figure out where the sane refugees should go. I kind of need to know that. XD

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  5. We’ve got some kooks around here, too, including a guy who keeps getting busted for bestiality.

    As for Florida, on our honeymoon we stayed at the Days Inn in Orlando. It was the middle of the night by the time we got there, and first one room, then another had big cockroaches (“palmetto bugs”). They put us in the remodeled section after that, and it was much nicer. I hear those “palmetto bugs” are everywhere; no thanks. BTW, some time ago I checked on that Days Inn online, and from the reviews, it appears to have really gone downhill….

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  6. Oh yeah, Joe Walsh agrees with you on whether we should’ve gotten out of Afghanistan. He said we met our objectives about 3 months in and should’ve left then. The current quagmire would happen no matter if we left 10 years ago, or 10 years from now.

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    1. I firmly believe that if Al Gore had become president, we would NOT have had 9/11 and the ensuing wars, which were, again IMHO, only for W to prove to HW how much of a man he was, and so much better than his father.

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