Lost in Afghan Translation


The United States is finally pulling out of Afghanistan. I don’t care who’s saying it’s too soon to leave Afghanistan and we’re allowing the Taliban to take it back because 20 years is more than enough time to spend on that nation. How much more is the United States supposed to sacrifice for that nation?

We were in Iraq and Vietnam too long, and never should have stepped one American soldier foot in either of those nations. Enough with the nation building. Afghanistan has to set its own course now. But what about the people in Afghanistan who risked their lives to help us? It seems we would have prepared for their safety before we left Afghanistan…not just talk about it after. Even before they get here, they’ll get a full taste of American bureaucracy. If you think standing in line at the DMV is a sonofabitch, oh boy.

President Joe Biden said we have approved about 2,500 special immigrant visas for the translators, drivers, escorts, guides, security guards, and others, which will allow them to come to the United States. But there are 18,000 applications from these personnel and their families. The number of applicants may reach as high as 50,000. On top of all that, there’s a congressionally mandated cap that currently means there are under 11,000 visas even available…so about 7,000 fewer than the applicants already waiting. Did I say, “Welcome to American bureaucracy”?

The U.S. is planning to house some of these Afghans in Guam (a U.S. territory) and are in negotiations to temporarily set them up in nations like Qatar and the United Emirates Republic. They say there is an immediate focus to get about 9,000 of the 18,000 out of the nation quickly, but what happens to them if while they’re waiting, they’re in territory recaptured by the Taliban? It’s not like the Taliban is known for leniency and compassion. Why are we just now talking to these other nations about accepting refugees? Maybe we were planning on staying in Afghanistan forever.

After the fall of Vietnam, the United States accepted close to 120,000 refugees (one of them was a best man at my wedding). As you saw from the historic photos, refugees were climbing aboard helicopters with U.S. troops during the withdrawal…and escape before Saigon fell. President Gerald Ford said at the time, “To ignore the refugees in their hour of need would be to repudiate the values we cherish as a nation of immigrants.” But since we’re a nation that allowed Donald Trump to become its leader (sic), and so many of us are demanding he be “reinstated” over democracy, what exactly are our values?

We are a nation of immigrants which is something we need to keep in mind when it comes to immigration and people seeking asylum and refugee status. We also need to keep in mind our international reputation.

After Donald Trump pulled forces out of Syria, breaking a promise to the Kurds who trusted us enough to fight with us only to eventually be abandoned to the wrath of Turkey, our word isn’t as good as it used to be. We can argue that was more Donald Trump than it was the United States, but unfortunately at that time, Donald Trump was the United States. Unfortunately, Donald Trump was the president (sic) of the United States of America. Quite frankly, just the fact Donald Trump was president and over 74 million voted for him in 2020, has hurt our reputation. As many of us have learned from personal experience, you can not trust anyone who supports Donald Trump or enter into any agreement or relationship with them.

People who support Donald Trump don’t have values, morals, ethics, principles, or integrity. They will like and burn you. Cruelty is their shits and giggles. When the international community looks at the United States, that’s what they see. They see an old racist narcissistic billionaire laugh while throwing babies into cages.

We were in Afghanistan for 20 years. That war is almost old enough to legally drink. It seems to me that at some point during those two decades (in case you’re a Republican, ten years is a decade and ten plus ten equals 20), we would have started the asylum process for those who were risking their lives to help us.

Over the past four years during the Trump presidency (sic), we abandoned our Kurdish allies, we bailed on a nuclear treaty with Iran and a climate treaty with the word. We bailed on other nuclear treaties along with the Trans-Pacific Partnership, pulled out of the United Nations Human Rights Council, and the U.N. Educational, Scientific, and Educational Council. We threatened to pull out of NATO while clamoring for Russia to be readmitted into the G7. We pulled out of several other organizations and treaties. Our nation criticized allies while buddying up with bullies. Our president (sic) gave secrets provided by allies to Russians. Our president (sic) hung out with Kim Jong Un while attacking Canada over its cheese. Our president (sic) called a female leader of a democratic nation “nasty” for not selling us Greenland. Our president claimed “good people” march with Nazis.

It’s our fault the world does not trust us. We gave them every reason they have to not believe in us. The world thinks our word is crap…and the world is right.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are ZERO copies of my book in stock, which usually go for $45.00 each, signed. Another order will be placed soon. You may pre-order if you want. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

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Goodbye, Afghanistan


We stayed in Afghanistan so long, that political cartoonists can spell “Afghanistan” without looking it up. Probably.

A friend of mine is one of those far-left liberals, that in his eyes, liberal Democrats are the same as Republicans. Nothing is ever good enough and even though he’s nearly 60 years old, he’s as immature as an 18-year-old Bernie Bro. He went from claiming that Bernie Sanders was the only one who could beat Trump to the claim Bernie would have beaten Trump by a larger margin than Biden did…and he never predicted Trump would beat Biden. Yeah, he’s also a narcissist who works for Sputnik.

My friend has been consistent in one regard and that is he never supported the war in Afghanistan. He’s been demanding that we leave that nation since we got in. Today, we’re not leaving fast enough.

President Joe Biden has ordered a withdrawal of American troops from Afghanistan. There aren’t that many left as Donald Trump has withdrawn it down to 2,500. Europe has more troops in Afghanistan than we do now, and they’ll be leaving too.

The date to get out has been symbolically marked for September 11, 2021. That’s the date we’ll be gone. The evacuation begins May 1. There is criticism that we’re leaving the nation vulnerable to be taken over by the Taliban again.

While I opposed the invasion of Iraq from the moment the idea was floated, I was in favor of invading Afghanistan. I was in favor of wiping out an enemy who had attacked us. Al Qaida was given sanctuary in that nation and that nation’s government allowed them to use it as a base for terrorism. The attack on our nation on 9/11 was not al Qaida’s first attack on the United States from Afghanistan. We had a responsibility to protect ourselves and that meant taking out the people who attacked us and the people who enabled it.

Afghanistan used to be an example in the newspaper industry for covering more local topics. Editors would explain that readers care more about downtown than Afghanistan. Then airplanes started flying into American buildings and everybody had a major stake in what was going on in Afghanistan.

Most issues are more complex and are not simply black and white. While we need to defend ourselves from terrorists, we need to understand why terrorists hate us. We can’t just go in with guns blazing without asking how we got here. Too many times in our history, going in fighting is all we did.

My Bernie Bro friend said yesterday that anyone who supported the invasion of Afghanistan should never speak again. That’s how he’d like it. But then again, he’s paid by Russia for what he says. While I was in favor of wiping out al Qaida and the Taliban, I was not in favor of a 20-year occupation of Afghanistan. I’m not in favor of nation building.

Our mission was accomplished in Afghanistan. Today, al Qaida is a shell of its former self, Osama bin Laden is dead, and the Taliban is not in power. Will the Taliban be able to come back now that there will no longer be a foreign presence? Maybe, but after 20 years, what else are we to do? The Taliban is like MAGA. Those people are indoctrinated and will never change. They’re too far gone. They justify hate and terrorism with their religion.

I have another friend and his name is Gary. I haven’t spoken to him in years because of time, age, he got married and had a child, people stop going to the places they used to go, etc, etc. But Gary was a military contractor. He may still be, but for a while, he was going back and forth to Afghanistan…and he loved it. He stopped going because his fiancée at the time wanted him to stop. Being a good guy, he did. But what did he love about working in Afghanistan? Mostly, he loved the money. Gary made big money being a military contractor. And that’s why we were there for 20 years. The military industrial complex demanded we stay in Afghanistan for 20 years.

We invaded Afghanistan to protect our nation but the defense industry made us stay. The defense industry got us into Iraq. The defense industry is richer today while we’re still paying off the debt for those two wars. We’ll never get back the lives or limbs lost in those two wars.

The argument for staying is that the Taliban will come back, the current government can’t defend it, it’s not modernized yet, etc. President Biden said, “We gave that argument a decade. It’s never proved effective.” We gave it two decades. Ten years was too long.

President Biden also said, “American troops shouldn’t be used as a bargaining chip between warring parties in other countries. You know, that’s nothing more than a recipe for keeping American troops in Afghanistan indefinitely.”

We are supposed to learn from history. We didn’t learn from Vietnam not to stay in indefinite wars. We didn’t learn from the British or Russian history with Afghanistan. We stayed in Afghanistan longer than the Soviet Union did. We suck at history.

It’s time to come home.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: I have FIVE copies of my book in stock, which I’m selling for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

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Donald Trump’s Beautiful Treason


Donald Trump’s administration is so inept, their coverups are often nearly as bad as the crimes.

When you heard Russian President Vladimir Putin put out bounties for the Taliban to kill U.S. troops in Afghanistan and Donald Trump didn’t do anything about it except continue to invite him to the G7, and your first thought was, “How do I defend this?”, then you’ve failed as a patriot and an American.

Granted you sold your soul to Donald Trump a long time ago but at this point, you’re way past the point of no return.

U.S. Intelligence, which Donald Trump doesn’t trust, uncovered months ago Russia was paying bounties to the Taliban to kill American troops. According to The New York Times, Donald Trump was briefed on this last March. Donald Trump has done nothing…until today.

What did Donald Trump do about it today? He said he was never briefed about it. This is where the coverup is nearly as bad as the crime. and again, Donald Trump is a liar.

Why wasn’t the president (sic) briefed about a hostile nation paying bounties to kill Americans? If this is true, did our Intelligence not trust Donald Trump with this information? If Barack Obama was still president…or anyone else was president other than Donald Trump, he or she would have been briefed. That president would have been expected to defend our nation. That president would have been expected to defend American soldiers. This president (sic) is expected to fail Americans and only concern himself with himself.

Donald Trump is more concerned about defending Confederate statues than U.S. troops. Why, he’s actually enacted penalties for those who attack statues of traitors. Putin? Donald Trump hasn’t tweeted anything against him yet. It helps Putin that he’s not black.

Everything Donald Trump claims he is is a lie. He’s not a good businessman. He’s not a good negotiator. He’s not a good Christian. He’s not a good husband. He’s not a good father. And, he’s not a good American. He pays a lot of lip service to supporting our troops, but he’s never really done so. He claimed P.O.W.s are not heroes and he feuds with Gold Star families. If he wins reelection, he will pull every American troop off the Korean peninsula and abandon NATO.

When it comes to despots, he takes their side over that of U.S. Intelligence. He sides with criminals and spies over “law and order.” He even defends dictators for murdering Americans like he did with Kim Jong Un’s murder of Otto Warmbier. “Kim says he feels bad about it.” I’m expecting a “Putin says he didn’t do it” over this bounty thing real soon.

Earlier this year, four Americans were killed in a car bomb in Afghanistan. Last year, 22 Americans were killed in combat in Afghanistan. I’m no math expert but I counted, and I’m pretty sure 26 is more than four. Why is that significant? Because every Republican in the nation were livid and went apeshit over the four deaths in Benghazi. The Republican-lead House held hearing after hearing on Benghazi. Hillary Clinton as a candidate for president was forced to testify for 11 hours at a House hearing. What have Republicans today said about this new information regarding Russia, the Taliban, and Trump sleeping on it? Nothing.

Now, every Republican must turn against this president (sic). And I’m not just talking about the ones on TV. I’m not just talking about the Never Trumpers or the guys behind the Lincoln Project. I’m not just talking about Kellyanne’s husband. I’m talking about every Republican. Every senator, representative, and governor needs to come out and publicly reject Donald Trump.

Donald Trump has failed America and sold out troops out for his personal little feelings. He’s sold our troops out for his man-crush on Putin. How anyone can still respect that abject failure of a human being is beyond me. Everyone who still rejects this traitor repulses me.

This man has failed with the coronavirus and has cost us more lives. He has put his tiny frail ego before the safety of the American public. Now, he’s turning a blind eye to Vladimir Putin murdering Americans. How much soul does each Republican have left for this guy? How much do you have left for him?

Donald Trump, who is more concerned for ratings and showmanship than being president, is probably concerned over naming for this latest scandal. “Bountygate” is already taken.

A lot of us, and hopefully the majority, are working to save this nation from Donald Trump. If you’re a Trump supporter…still…we’re more than happy to do it without you. In fact, we’re working to save this nation from you.

Some of us love this country more than any individual political leader. Black Lives Matter protesting in the streets and taking down statues of traitors love this country more than you. They defend this country more than you do.

If you love Donald Trump more than America, you should leave. I hope Russia has Kool-Aid.

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New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

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Thankful For War Crimes


Donald Trump visited American troops in Iraq right before Christmas last year, and he made a mess of it.

It was his first visit to a war zone as commander-in-chief. He turned it into a political rally by complaining about Democrats’ refusal to fund his racist border wall with Mexico, as if that’s what our troops in Iraq are fighting for. He lied to our troops about their pay raises. And because he’s the worst president in American history, he may have revealed the location of a special operations unit and the identity of several of its members.

Trump sycophants praised Trump as being heroic for visiting Iraq even though it took him nearly two years into his presidency to do so. For President Obama, it only took three months (and he had already been as a U.S. Senator).

Now, Donald Trump has visited Afghanistan (which Obama had visited twice in his second year). His first order of business was to attack Newsweek for reporting that he’d spend his Thanksgiving eating turkey, playing golf, and tweeting. He pointed out how wrong and “fake” they were by…tweeting. Of course, Newsweek probably reported on the itinerary the White House provided. Yeah, jokes on Newsweek for trusting anything White House Spokesgoon Menalie Grisham provides. Of course, now he’s back at Mar-a-Lago eating turkey, playing golf, and tweeting.

During his trip to Afghanistan, Trump claimed he has reopened peace talks with the Taliban, which were previously canceled over his trying to state a photo-op out of them at Camp David. This could be another lie like every time he says we’re close to a deal with China. The Taliban undermined his claim of restarting peace talks. How bad is it that we actually trust the Taliban at their word over the president of the United States?

The thing that gets me about the Trump cult with things like this is they don’t catch the smoke and mirrors. They watch one hand while ignoring what the other is doing. They listen to Trump’s words and then they don’t listen to his words.

Trump is not a great supporter of the military. Saying you are doesn’t make it so. During his visit, he didn’t mention his disagreement with the commanders of the military over discipline where the secretary of the Navy resigned or was fired, depending on whom you ask.

Donald Trump reversed the Navy’s demotion of Navy Seal Edward Gallagher, who was acquitted of murdering an enemy combatant but convicted for posing in a photo with the corpse. Trump pardoned Army Lieutenant Clint Lorance, who had been sentenced to 19 years in prison in 2013 for murder after ordering his soldiers in 2010 to fire on three unarmed Afghan men riding a motorcycle, killing two of them. He also pardoned former Green Beret Matthew Golsteyn who was to stand trial for killing an unarmed Afghan man he suspected of being a bombmaker. Another pardon was for Army Lieutenant Michael Behenna who killed an unarmed, naked Iraqi man during an unauthorized interrogation.

These moves are popular with the Fox News and hater crowd. Conservatives have gone from supporting the military, patriotism, and law and order, to helping spread Russian conspiracy theories, attacking law enforcement, making cult heroes out of murderers, and destabilizing and killing morale in the military.

How would you feel if an American soldier was murdered after being taken prisoner, and his captors said it was retribution for Trump’s approval of the way we treat prisoners. The United States has murdered prisoners of war with our president pardoning those murders.

The Geneva Convention is extremely important. It’s not just important that our military respect it, but also our president.

It’s important that we have a president who himself is not a war crime.

Support the cartoonist.

You can help me continue to create cartoons, blogs, and videos by making a contribution. All support, large and small, is greatly appreciated. You can also support me by purchasing a signed print (8 1/2×11) for $40, or a signed poster (18×24) for $100 by clicking the PayPal button (just include a note if you’re purchasing a print). If you want to support but don’t want to use PayPal, you can send a contribution through the mail (address is on the contact page. Again, include a note for a print). I don’t plan on going anywhere and your support will help guarantee that. Whether you support, can’t. or just choose not to, please know that I am truly thankful that you visit my site and read my work.

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New Book: Tales From The Trumpster Fire

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Taliban Trumps Trump


I told several people, copy editors, people who watch my videos, and the girlfriend, that I was taking today off. I’m way too far ahead with my cartoons. Visit my work on GoComics and you’ll see the cartons are at least seven days behind this website (but the comments there are great). But after telling Amanda, the girlfriend, that I had an idea I really wanted to draw, she told me that I had to do it or it’d bother me all day. I hadn’t even told her the idea yet. After it was roughed out and I showed it to her, the reaction was a gritted teeth grimace. That’s when I knew I had to finish it.

Ronald Reagan said the United States does not negotiate with terrorists. The truth is, yes we do. Reagan’s own administration made illegal deals with terrorists and their sponsors. His administration even provided arms to Iran which I’m sure were never used against Israel. Despite this, Republicans continue to worship at his altar and demand their candidates live up to Reagan’s ideals, or at least they used to.

Yesterday, Donald Trump tweeted that he was canceling planned peace talks at Camp David with the Taliban and the president of Afghanistan over a car bombing in Kabul that killed one American and 11 others. Trump was trying to give the impression he was standing tough and refusing to negotiate with terrorists who have refused to stop committing violence.

The truth is, the United States has been in a yearlong negotiation with the Taliban and was near an agreement that would see a beginning to U.S. troops being pulled out of Afghanistan, yet the terrorist organization has never promised to stop fighting during negotiations. Americans have been killed by the Taliban during these talks before the Kabul car bombing.

So, why the Trump cancelation? The truth is, the Taliban has been balking at how the deal would be finalized and announced. It didn’t seem that talks at Camp David were going to work out, so Trump was trying to get ahead. Also, it may not have played well hosting the Taliban on U.S. soil mere days before the anniversary of the September 11, 2001 attack by al Qaida. Remember, the Taliban was the government in charge that allowed al Qaida to operate on their soil and refused to give them up after their attack on the U.S.

Donald Trump, who loves photo ops that illustrate his supposed great negotiating skills would have been seen mugging for the camera with terrorists on 9/11.

Was it a negotiating strategy for Trump to cancel the talks and expose a secret through a tweet? Or, was it Trump being an idiot once again?

There does need to be a peace agreement with the Taliban. There is no need to accommodate them on U.S soil to do this. In fact, the Taliban wasn’t eager to come to the U.S. For some reason, they don’t trust Donald Trump.

Unfortunately, any deal made by Donald Trump will undoubtedly favor the Taliban.

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As I noted in a previous cartoon, these are perilous times for political cartoonists. But you can help me continue to create cartoons, blogs, and videos by making a contribution. All support, large and small, is greatly appreciated. You can also support me by purchasing a signed print (8 1/2×11) for $40, or a signed poster (18×24) for $100 by clicking the PayPal button (just include a note if you’re purchasing a print). If you want to support but don’t want to use PayPal, you can send a contribution through the mail (address is on the contact page. Again, include a note for a print).I don’t plan on going anywhere and your support will help guarantee that. Whether you support, can’t. or just choose not to, please know that I am truly thankful that you visit my site and read my work.

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Putin Talking Points


Did you know the reason the Soviet Union invaded Afghanistan in 1979 was because of terrorism? Did you know the Soviet Union had the right to invade them? Did you know it led to the Soviet Union being called “Russia” today? Yeah, me neither.

First, a quick little history lesson.

Afghanistan was a puppet government of the Soviet Union. When an insurgency popped up, initially backed by Pakistan and Iran, the Soviet Union invaded to protect their puppet state. Their justification was the Brezhnev Doctrine, which was a policy they used to justify their “right” to intervene in the affairs of communist countries. This was a big deal during the Cold War and the Soviets had argued this policy when intervening in uprisings in Hungary and Czechoslovakia, retroactively. Russians are real big about revisionism, which we’ll get to in a minute.

Leonid Brezhnev was the head of the Soviet Union and he sent Soviet forces into his southern neighbor where they fought for ten years trying to protect communism. By the end of the war, the Soviets lost nearly 15,000 soldiers and their Afghan allies lost around 18,000. It’s estimated they had killed between 75,000 to 90,000 of the Mujahideen, the forces trying to restore Afghanistan back to an Islamist state.

Between 562,000 to two million civilians were killed with around three million wounded. There were about five million refugees and two million displaced.

The United States, along with the United Kingdom, Saudi Arabia, West Germany, Pakistan, and China, were aiding the Mujahideen (which included the likes of Osama bin Laden). Go rent Charlie Wilson’s War.

President Jimmy Carter’s administration opposed the Soviet invasion and even boycotted participating in the Moscow Olympics over it. President Ronald Reagan continued Carter’s policy of support against the Soviet Union. These were two presidents, Democratic and Republican who knew that the Russians were not our friend.

Earlier this week while engaging in an incoherent rant at a cabinet meeting, Donald Trump, the current president of the United States, said, “The reason Russia was in Afghanistan was because terrorists were going into Russia. They were right to be there. The problem is, it was a tough fight. And literally, they went bankrupt; they went into being called Russia again, as opposed to the Soviet Union. You know, a lot of these places you’re reading about now are no longer part of Russia because of Afghanistan.”

His rambling kinda reminded me of my college history professor, who was also insane. He once went on a rant about how great Montreal was until draft dodging American hippies went up there and pooped on the sidewalks. The subject we were on was not Vietnam or Canadian history. Fortunately, it wasn’t on the test.

I don’t know if my college professor was accurate at any part of his rant, or if he was off his meds like our president, but everything Donald Trump said was bullshit.

The war was not about terrorism, they did not have the right to be there, and Afghanistan is just one of many factors leading to the collapse of the Soviet Union. But where did Donald Trump get this idea about the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan? I was a kid and I remember all of this, so surely an old orange racist fart like Donald Trump would remember it. Right? Since there has never been any sort of revisionist campaign in this nation about the Soviet’s invasion, how could Trump come up with such a cockamamie description? Putin.

Russian President Vladimir Putin, who has much control over Trump, has initiated a propaganda campaign describing the war exactly as Donald Trump did. So, did Trump get this description from his master? Probably, but when? Did Putin feed it into his head during their private off-the-record chat in Helsinki? Probably.

Once again, Trump is doing Putin’s bidding. He’s advocating for Russian propaganda and even that nation’s pride. He’s arguing they had the right to invade their neighbor, undermining American policy and patriotism of Presidents Carter and Reagan.

The Wall Street Journal’s editorial page, a friend to Trump’s policies and owned by Rupert Murdoch, called Trump’s history lesson “reprehensible.”

They wrote, “We cannot recall a more absurd misstatement of history by an American President.”

I can’t recall a more absurd human to occupy the office of the American presidency. I also can’t recall one more stupid, racist, traitorous, despicable, stupid, sexists, and appeasing to Russia.

Did I mention “stupid” more than once? I’m fine with that.

Trump is Putin’s puppet, and he appeases him again and again. He’s defended Russia’s attack on our democracy and now he’s advocating for Putin’s propaganda. I think Trump’s comments is further justification for his impeachment. I hope Mueller is taking notes.

Trump and Putin are trying to rewrite history. I assure you, history won’t be kind to them. Instead of rewriting history, I’d rather see Trump become history.

Be Complicit

What kind of person would want to be part of something that disparages, slanders, and disrespects Dear Leader and his sycophantic followers? Hopefully, you. 
Making a contribution supports my work and keeps the cartoons, columns, and videos coming. My income is from newspapers that subscribe to my work and small contributors. George Soros hasn’t sent me a million dollar check in weeks. Making a contribution of any amount, or buying a print for $40.00, makes you part of this specific resistance, and a member of Team Claytoonz (we’re still working on the name). You are complicit, an accomplice, and in cahoots (and whatever gangster terms we can think of) with this political satire pointing out that the stupid emperor has no clothes. Contributions can be made through PayPal, checks, and wads of cash exchanged in back alleys.
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Trump Sees A Bomb


What a lot of people find funny depends on their confirmation bias. I often hear conservatives say Stephen Colbert, Samantha Bee, Jon Stewart, or Seth Myers aren’t funny at all. That’s because those comedians rarely ever say anything conservatives want to hear as there’s often truth in comedy. It must suck to be a Republican because they don’t have a sense of humor thus, there aren’t really any funny conservatives. Greg Gutfeld is a conservative who believes he is humorous and has billed himself in the past as a conservative Jon Stewart. You’ll never hear a liberal comedian say they’re the left-wing Dennis Miller or Greg Gutfeld.

So, conservatives were outraged by the performance of comedian Michelle Wolf at last weekend’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner, which Donald Trump skipped again. They were very upset at her jokes about Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who was in attendance. How dare Wolf attack a woman’s looks, even though Wolf really didn’t do that. Most conservatives misheard one joke and believe she said “fat” when in actuality, she said “fact.” The truth hurts their faux outrage.

These same conservatives have never expressed outrage about Trump’s insults on a woman’s appearance, which he has made before he was president and after he was elected. Sanders herself has defended Trump’s attacks on women by describing him as a counter-puncher.

I’m in the middle about Wolf’s performance. I don’t believe she did anything wrong. She’s a comedian. If the WHCD Association who booked her is upset, which they said they are, it’s their fault. Perhaps they should have vetted her better than Trump vetted Ronny Jackson (hey, maybe I should emcee next year).

But, I didn’t find Wolf funny at all. When I say she wasn’t funny, I don’t mean she offended me. I just didn’t laugh at any of it while not being bothered by at all. I agreed with her opinions. Her voice did annoy me on a Gilbert Gottfried level, and CNN kept replaying a part of her bit over and over and over, etc.

Here’s the thing, conservatives; Lighten up, stop being snowflakes or go find a safe space. Also, prioritize. Early Monday, a bomb which ISIS has taken credit for, killed 31 people, including ten journalists. Our president issued two tweets with the word “bomb,” but neither was about this terrorist attack. They were on Michelle Wolf. But then again, Trump has called journalists the “enemy of the American people,” so why would he have any concern or sympathy for those killed while trying to report information?

The president called the White House Correspondents’ Dinner a disaster. The biggest disaster is the Trump presidency. It’s also a pretty good joke.

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Plan For Afghanistan


I do not want little Barron Trump to have to fight in Afghanistan after he grows up. Fortunately, concern for his well-being will not be keeping me awake at night (if I slept at night…or ever) as he will not be fighting in Afghanistan. Not because that war will be over before he grows up, but because his last name is Trump.

Barron won’t even have to pretend he has bone spurs to avoid going to that war. He’ll go to the Wharton business school, graduate, and go shoot giraffes with his creepy dumb-ass older brothers.

During the 2012 presidential campaign, Mitt Romney was on stage with all five of his sons at a campaign event when he asked everyone in the room who had served in either Iraq or Afghanistan to raise their hands. Of course, none of the five Romney clones raised their hands. That’s because the Trump and Romney families of America don’t sacrifice for war. They inherit, acquire, and become educated in the way of becoming misers. The people who create and prolong wars rarely ever sacrifice for them.

Next year will be the first year that people who lived their entire lives with America at war in Afghanistan will be eligible to fight in Afghanistan. This war has gone on too long and Donald Trump has just promised to prolong it.

Donald Trump campaigned on ending the war in Afghanistan. He also talked about not letting our enemies know what we’re doing and keeping them confused. Last night, Trump gave a very confusing speech that reversed his position on Afghanistan and has confused every American. Nobody, including Donald Trump, has much of any idea what the hell Donald Trump is doing.

What’s the new plan? Are we sending 4,000 more troops to add to the 8,000 presently there? Is corruption going to end with the Afghanistan government? How will Pakistan increase their aid after Trump insulted them and talked about giving their rival and historic enemy, India a larger role in Afghanistan? Is our mission now dependent on America profiting off Afghanistan’s mineral wealth, which is mostly in Taliban-held areas? Will we be asking these same questions during the next presidential administration, which may begin any moment now?

Trump said he was going against his instincts with this policy, which sounds really good at first. Trump’s Twitter account is evidence of his first instincts. After ignoring his first instinct on “pulling out” regarding Don Jr. and Eric, I’m worried this one will fare about as well as those two fubars.

But, is prolonging a 16-year war a great idea? Can’t we just call Tom Selleck and get one of those reverse mortgages on Afghanistan and let it be Magnum P.I.’s problem? Trump spent several years criticizing Obama’s strategy on Afghanistan, and now he’s continuing the same policy, but with even more confusion.

After a war becomes a quagmire, most people you talk to will say they were always against it. Most people are lying. It’s hard to find anyone who claims they supported the Iraq war, despite every poll in 2003 giving it extremely high approval ratings. Back then, nearly everyone supported the war and had an American flag sticker on their car. Nationalism was all the rage. Donald Trump claims he opposed the Iraq war despite his being on record in favor of it. That was recorded on the Howard Stern show where he was in favor of invading Iraq and dressing rooms of teenage beauty pageant contestants.

I was in favor of our going to Afghanistan back in 2001 to take out al Qaida. We were just attacked and that’s where they attacked us from (and one of the many reasons I had against invading Iraq). It made sense to me to wipe out Osama bin Laden’s terror network. Now it just seems we have replaced al Qaida and bought a violent piece of real estate that consumes American lives. I’m not sure what our policy should be going forward, but I’m in favor of having one that is coherent and at least sounds reasonable. I’m not in favor of wagering American lives on Donald Trump gibberish.

Trump says we’re not “nation-building.” That is obvious as he’s gone about setting this one back a few decades. While running for president, Trump claimed he knew more than the generals. I think he knows less than Colonel Sanders. At least that guy had a secret recipe.

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A Real Mother


I am not cool with Donald Trump dropping bombs. I wouldn’t trust the guy with a cigarette lighter. Many people are partisan about this while others are not.

A Washington Post-ABC News poll conducted in 2013 found that only 37% of Democrats would support President Barack Obama bombing Syria. A new Post-ABC poll conducted this week found that 38% supported Trump’s missile strike on Syria. That’s not partisan at all. Democrats haven’t been in favor of bombing Syria now or then, no matter who is the president.

The same poll asked Republicans and guess what it found. It found those shit weasels are as partisan as New England Patriots fans. In 2013 only 22% of Republicans would have supported Obama bombing Syria. In 2017, 86% of shit weasels love that Trump bombed Syria.

That’s par for the course for Republicans. It’s OK if a Republican does it. Obama can’t play golf but Trump can. Obama can’t take a vacation but Trump can. Obama’s wife can’t display her arms but Trump’s wife can do a nude-lesbian-photo spread. Obama can’t serve chocolate cake to the president of China but Trump can. Republicans would be OK if Trump went all Bill Cosby (Dad is great. He served us chocolate cake) and served chocolate cake for breakfast. Though if you’re being served chocolate cake by Cosby and you have a nice rack, or have done a nude-lesbian-photo spread, you may not wanna eat that cake. And knowing Trump, since he said it was the “most beautiful piece of cake” ever, it probably wasn’t even cake. It was probably one of those apple pies from McDonald’s or a chocolate fudge pop-tart. That would be like taking a big gulp of Pepsi when you were expecting Coke and then your entire day is ruined.

Back to the subject: Republicans are totally partisan about who drops bombs and eats chocolate cake. I was never in favor of Obama bombing Syria, but I would be a hell of a lot more comfortable with him or Hillary Clinton bombing bad guys than I am with Trump doing it. I’m not being partisan with that. Let me explain.

It’s not about Democratic over Republican or liberal versus conservative. It’s a preference for educated people over dumbasses. Obama and Clinton read. They are informed. Trump on the other hand doesn’t read his daily briefings. The guy doesn’t read at all. He seems to believe politics and history started when he took the oath of office. He just now found out that healthcare is complicated and that the situation in Korea is trickier than he thought (which he probably discovered while eating chocolate cake with Xi Jinping). Korea has been a complicated mess since before Japan relinquished the peninsula after World War II. Trump discovered this after ten minutes of talking to President Xi. I would really prefer someone to be much more informed and up to speed on information like that before he becomes president. We are talking about a man who believes his son-in-law can solve the Middle East crisis (Psst. Mr. President. It’s complicated).

While talking to the press Trump seemed confused about whether or not he authorized the Mother Of All Bombs the military dropped on Afghanistan on Thursday. This is a 23,000 lb. bomb that has existed since 2003 and George W. Bush and Obama both refused to use. I believe Trump told his military to use whatever they felt was necessary and then found out about the drop on Fox News and then he gave himself a medal. I’m sure Bush and Obama were well informed on the bomb and Trump didn’t know it existed until it went boom boom.

Another reason I don’t want Trump dropping bombs: I’m not sure he knows who he’s bombing. Sure everyone gets a name wrong or mangles a statement. George W. Bush once said “they never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.” Bush wasn’t actually thinking about destroying our country. He didn’t think at all. Destroying our country wasn’t ever his intention. It was a bonus of the Bush/Cheney administration.

Obama once said he had visited 57 states. I don’t believe that Obama actually thought there are 57 states. I also don’t believe The Beatles thought there were eight days in a week.

During an interview this week on Fox Business, while talking about chocolate cake, Trump described the 59 missiles headed toward Iraq. The interviewer replied “headed to Syria?” Trump looked back at her like he was surprised and repeated “Syria.” I don’t think Trump misspoke. It was like when you were in school and you didn’t study but you did open the book and you blurt out an answer and you’re surprised you were correct. Trump remembered more details about that damn cake than he about the mission he just ordered. I hope the generals ask multiple times which country Trump is wanting to bomb the next time he orders a strike.

I also don’t want anyone using bombs as a distraction from being under an FBI investigation for treason. Are these bombings going to be a weekly thing now? I really hope Trump doesn’t find out Canada gave us Nickelback or that North Koreans are whacking off to pictures of Melania. I’m just kidding. Trump probably loves Nickelback.

Again, I do not want Trump in charge of missiles, bombs, guns, our military, lighter fluid, plastic forks, pointy sticks, nothing. I don’t think it’s safe to let the guy play with Legos as he might swallow one. Just no.

I don’t think it’s a hyperbole to be worried that we’re not going to get through the Trump administration without using a nuclear weapon. There will not be enough chocolate cake to get me through that.

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Obama’s Afghanistan


On Thursday Obama officially gave up ending the war in Afghanistan. It was something he vowed to do before he was elected. This has to be a huge disappointment for the president.

Despite killing Osama bin Laden and other terrorists, mostly through the controversial drone program, most people (not just Republicans) give the president low marks in foreign policy. I think the president realized people are going to remember Iraq and Afghanistan more than his other foreign policy endeavors.

The bad part is Iraq and Afghanistan were inherited from the previous administration. Hopefully it won’t be leftover again after the next. I also hope the candidates vying for the job will start talking about Afghanistan.

I know it’s a bold prediction drawing the future administration here. But I believe that if Malia becomes president she’ll have the same color drapes in the Oval Office as her father.

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