Murder Hornets


In some parts of rural Japan, the Asian Giant Hornet is a delicacy. They’re often pan-fried and served with rice in a dish called Hebo-Gohan. They’re also skewered with wings, stinger, and all intact and fried until they become light and crunchy. Mmmmm. They also give liquor a kick for which they’re drowned in Shochu until they release their venom into the liquid. This is probably why they want to murder us.

The “Murder Hornet” is here and they’re scary. They can grow up to two inches long and if you’re allergic to bee and wasp stings, they can kill you. You would probably have to be stung a LOT, like tripping over a nest (they often build them underground) or you were fucking with them by trying to drown them in Shochu. Even if they don’t murder you, their sting has been described as being as painful as a nail…or sitting through two hours of a Trump rally.

The host of the YouTube show Breaking Wilderness, Coyote Petersen (really? Coyote?), went to Japan and allowed himself to be stung by a Murder Hornet. He said, “When the stinger went into my arm, I had a wave come over me and I got super dizzy. I got a wave of dizziness really quick…absolute searing pain. The pain was immediately searing.” It’s searing, people and also describes my first five minutes at a Trump rally. His hand also completely seized up. And 24 hours later, his arm had swollen to nearly double its normal size. Some people have claimed the sting left a huge hole in their skin which was probably also very “searing.”

And now, the Murder Hornet is in the United States and it’s looking for people to murder. Actually, it’s more dangerous to honey bees which is even more dangerous for us. If you don’t understand the importance of honey bees, go watch Jerry Seinfeld’s Bee Movies. It’s a treat.

And, just like the coronavirus, the hornets are from Asia. Also like the coronavirus, the first place in the U.S. the hornets have turned up is Washington state.

Surely, if the Murder Hornet becomes a threat in this nation, the Trump administration will work to deny it, downplay it, then tell us it’s totally under control.

It’ll start off by telling us the hornets are a Democratic hoax. The media is overplaying the danger of the hornets. The hornets aren’t that bad, we have a basketball team named after them. It’s just one hornet from China. They’ll magically disappear. Everyone who needs a hornet test will get a hornet test. Fox News will tell us it’s safe to go outside when your house is covered with Murder Hornets. They’re not really Murder Hornets. They’re more like Owie Hornets. Donald Trump will tell us he knows more about murder hornets than the vespid experts and we need to liberate our blue states from the hornets. The best way to defeat a Murder Hornet is with an AR-15. They’ll start calling them the “Chinese Hornet.” Finally, they’ll tell us it’s OK if grandma dies from the hornets as long as we keep the economy moving while giving corporations bailouts and tax breaks. You’ll get a signed “beautiful” letter from Donald Trump telling you how awesome of a job he’s doing and if you haven’t been murdered yet, you should thank him.

Of course, the real show will be when Donald Trump conducts a photo op with the hornets without wearing a bee suit because he’s a tough guy…after he sends Mike Pence in first.

OK. I’ll watch that.

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  1. Reblogged this on It Is What It Is and commented:
    Need to worry? … ‘Of course, the real show will be when Trump conducts a photo op with the hornets without wearing a bee suit because he’s a tough guy…after he sends Mike Pence in first.’

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I heard from many people, many people, that a Standard Bee Suit won’t protect you from being stung by a Murder Hornet (those suckers can sting through 1/4 inch plywood!) but it will protect Other People from being stung when the Murder Hornet is trapped inside the bee suit with you (stinging the crap out of you).

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I heard from many people, many people, that you can REPEL Murder Hornets (in case you’re a Republican, protect you from being stung) by liberally coating your face, hands, and any other exposed skin with Sulphuric Acid, which can be easily obtained from your Neighbor’s Car Battery (hey, you still want to be able to start Your Own Car, dontcha?!), or even better, drinking it (so it comes out in your skin’s oil glands, like NexGard™️ Chewable Tablets for Dogs).
    Other substances you can use the same way are:
    ◦ Liquid Chlorine Bleach
    ◦ Lye
    ◦ Ammonia
    ◦ Dry Cleaning Liquid, Kerosene, Gasoline, and other Volatile Petroleum Products
    ◦ Horse Urine (best is from Budweiser Clydesdales, for obvious reasons)
    ◦ Dog Crap (best is from German Shepherds, Rottweilers, and St. Bernards, don’t even think about using Poodles or Chihuahuas, totally useless)
    ◦ Bullshit (BULLS Only, NOT Cows, I did say BULLshit, didn’t I?)

    Raid MAX® Foaming Wasp & Hornet Killer will also work if sprayed on the face and other exposed skin, or sprayed in the mouth and then inhaled or swallowed. Contrary to the product labeling, however, it does NOT kill the Murder Wasps, it only repels them (those bastards are TOUGH!!).

    OFF!® FAMILYCARE INSECT REPELLENT will NOT (in spite of label instructions) work on the skin… you can, however, achieve positive results by spraying it into your mouth, and then inhaling or swallowing it.

    Liked by 1 person

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