Dr. Birx

A Few Trumpy Covid Roughs


I have drawn seven ideas on Donald Trump acquiring the Trump Virus. I published one early this morning. I’m going to save another for this weekend (I may change my mind), and I’m drawing one for CNN. That leave four I can share with you now.

Check ’em out, Babies.

CNNrough974

This is how a rough works sometimes. I just give the idea of what I want. If I was to draw this cartoon, there would be more Trump quotes downplaying the virus.

CNNrough969

This was the first idea I had. I had around 1:00 A.M. I knew I could do better. But ya’ know what? I wouldn’t be surprised if another cartoonist does this cartoon.

CNNrough971

I’ve seen a few conservative whakamolies say Democrats are rejoicing over this and how heartless they are. True. A few are…but keep in mind, these same conservatives were laughing at the people Kyle Rittenhouse shot and said they “had it coming.” But if anyone should be laughing at Trump, it’s the scientists. Donald Trump said, “Science doesn’t know what’s going on.” Science knows Donald Trump has the coronavirus.

CNNrough972

I am a Jaws fan. A huge Jaws fan actually. And if there’s one thing I can’t figure out is why the mayor was still mayor in Jaws 2.

CNNrough975

Of course I wasn’t going to do this, especially with the F word. But sometimes, I like to fuck with my editors.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first. But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

Murder Hornets


cjones05102020

In some parts of rural Japan, the Asian Giant Hornet is a delicacy. They’re often pan-fried and served with rice in a dish called Hebo-Gohan. They’re also skewered with wings, stinger, and all intact and fried until they become light and crunchy. Mmmmm. They also give liquor a kick for which they’re drowned in Shochu until they release their venom into the liquid. This is probably why they want to murder us.

The “Murder Hornet” is here and they’re scary. They can grow up to two inches long and if you’re allergic to bee and wasp stings, they can kill you. You would probably have to be stung a LOT, like tripping over a nest (they often build them underground) or you were fucking with them by trying to drown them in Shochu. Even if they don’t murder you, their sting has been described as being as painful as a nail…or sitting through two hours of a Trump rally.

The host of the YouTube show Breaking Wilderness, Coyote Petersen (really? Coyote?), went to Japan and allowed himself to be stung by a Murder Hornet. He said, “When the stinger went into my arm, I had a wave come over me and I got super dizzy. I got a wave of dizziness really quick…absolute searing pain. The pain was immediately searing.” It’s searing, people and also describes my first five minutes at a Trump rally. His hand also completely seized up. And 24 hours later, his arm had swollen to nearly double its normal size. Some people have claimed the sting left a huge hole in their skin which was probably also very “searing.”

And now, the Murder Hornet is in the United States and it’s looking for people to murder. Actually, it’s more dangerous to honey bees which is even more dangerous for us. If you don’t understand the importance of honey bees, go watch Jerry Seinfeld’s Bee Movies. It’s a treat.

And, just like the coronavirus, the hornets are from Asia. Also like the coronavirus, the first place in the U.S. the hornets have turned up is Washington state.

Surely, if the Murder Hornet becomes a threat in this nation, the Trump administration will work to deny it, downplay it, then tell us it’s totally under control.

It’ll start off by telling us the hornets are a Democratic hoax. The media is overplaying the danger of the hornets. The hornets aren’t that bad, we have a basketball team named after them. It’s just one hornet from China. They’ll magically disappear. Everyone who needs a hornet test will get a hornet test. Fox News will tell us it’s safe to go outside when your house is covered with Murder Hornets. They’re not really Murder Hornets. They’re more like Owie Hornets. Donald Trump will tell us he knows more about murder hornets than the vespid experts and we need to liberate our blue states from the hornets. The best way to defeat a Murder Hornet is with an AR-15. They’ll start calling them the “Chinese Hornet.” Finally, they’ll tell us it’s OK if grandma dies from the hornets as long as we keep the economy moving while giving corporations bailouts and tax breaks. You’ll get a signed “beautiful” letter from Donald Trump telling you how awesome of a job he’s doing and if you haven’t been murdered yet, you should thank him.

Of course, the real show will be when Donald Trump conducts a photo op with the hornets without wearing a bee suit because he’s a tough guy…after he sends Mike Pence in first.

OK. I’ll watch that.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first.

But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performing busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box. 

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

Scarfing Some MAGA


cjones04302020

Everything Donald Trump touches dies. That includes the credibility of everyone who chooses to work for Donald Trump.

First off, nearly half the country can’t be believed or trusted about anything. If you know someone who is a Donald Trump supporter, you really don’t want anything to do with that individual. If they support a vile human being and liar such as Donald Trump, they too become a vile person and a liar. No one on the face of the planet has ever been able to defend Donald Trump without lying.

Shortly after going into a business relationship drawing cartoons on topics in a foreign nation, I learned the editor was a Trump sycophant (and this was before the election). Then, I read an article warning against such endeavors as Trump supporters have the same ethics and business principles as Donald Trump. I was hoping he was wrong or at the very least, I found the exception. I had not found the exception. I quit working for that publication about a year ago and they still owe me for five months of original cartoons I drew for them on a weekly basis. During last year with them and receiving slow payments until they just stopped, all I received were excuses, lies, excuses, lies, and more excuses. Do NOT go into any sort of relationship with a Trump supporter. For all you know, they’re stealing from you, grabbing strange pussies, and sleeping with porn stars.

And that’s just people who support Donald Trump. But what about the people who go to work for him?

Did Sean Spicer ever have any credibility? Before Spicer assumed his duties, President Obama’s Press Secretary, Josh Earnest was asked by CNN to give him some free advice. Earnest offered, “Make sure you know where the president’s head’s at because your ability to faithfully represent his point of view is critically important. Honesty and credibility and trustworthiness is the most important part of this job.”

Stop laughing before you hurt yourself.

Spicer’s very first press briefing consisted entirely of the size of Trump’s inauguration crowd. So much for honesty, credibility, and trustworthiness. He was the first of four press secretaries in Trump’s FIRST (hopefully only) term. He ended up on Dancing with the Stars wearing something that looks like it was regurgitated by Ru Paul and is now a White House correspondent for Newsmax TV, a Trumplandian network you’ve never watched that’s trying to outfox Fox.

His successor, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, is now on Fox News and plans to run for Governor of Arkansas. We’ll see how well running in Arkansas works with the Trump stench. It might do very well. But as for trusting anything that comes out of her mouth, you can’t.

Rex Tillerson was the chief executive of ExxonMobil who retired to become Donald Trump’s Secretary of State. While he didn’t have any experience in government service, he was respected as a businessman who dealt with a lot of foreign leaders. When he was fired, the Trump administration tried to humiliate him by boasting they fired him while he was on the toilet. The only thing that helps him from having all his credibility destroyed is that he has never denied he called Donald Trump a “fucking moron.” Hey, now would be a good time to say it again.

Jeff Sessions was a U.S. senator for Alabama for decades. He was the first senator to endorse Donald Trump. He was the first to wear the MAGA hat. Now, after being fired by Trump, he’s running for his old job in Alabama and losing to a former college football coach.

John Kelly was a highly-respected general. Serving as Donald Trump’s Chief-of-Staff, he supported Trump’s racism, and exhibited his own while lying about something a black congresswoman said, insulted her by calling her an “empty barrel,” and later refused to apologize. He also said that many immigrants brought here as children by their parents and were offered a pathway to citizenship through DACA didn’t sign up because they were “too lazy to get off their asses.” It’s safe to say his credibility is gone.

H.R. McMaster was another highly-respected general before he became Trump’s second National Security Adviser. Immediately after taking the job, he was the target of a smear campaign by Steve Bannon and Breitbart, Alex Jones and InfoWars, and conspiracy sites such as 4chan for not being sufficiently loyal to Trump. In case you’re counting, Donald Trump is currently on National Security Advisor number six.

For Dr. Anthony Fauci for whom Trump just swore he was not considering firing. He fired McMaster on March 22, 2018, AFTER denying he was considering firing McMaster on March 15, 2018.

After Donald Trump asked why we couldn’t get more immigrants from Norway instead of brown nations, his secretary of Homeland Security told Congress that she wasn’t aware that Norway is a mostly white country. Her name is Kirstjen Nielsen. Kirstejen. Seriously. That’s like someone with the name Guido not realizing Italy was mostly Italian.

Ronny Jackson’s credibility was never questioned as the physician to Presidents George W. Bush and Barack Obama…then he said Donald Trump only weighed 239 lbs and, “Some people have just great genes. I told the president that if he had a healthier diet over the last 20 years, he might live to be 200 years old.” Today, he’s running for a Texas congressional seat, currently polling in 15th place.

Chris Christie was governor of New Jersey, and whatever credibility he had left after bridgegate was wasted on making McDonald’s runs for Donald Trump as a member of his campaign.

Ted Nugent was a highly-respected musician…wait. No, he wasn’t. Never mind. Before making a speech for Trump, Sarah Palin was a highly-respected…no not her either. Omarosa…shit.

It doesn’t help these career professionals that they accepted a job in an administration that already had the likes of Kellyanne Conway, Sebastian Gorka, Stephen Miller, and Donald Trump’s stupid daughter and stupid son-in-law. Now many of these people are only as credible as Omarosa.

Who’s next? Will we see Dr. Deborah Birx hawking scarves as part of the Ivanka clothing line? Will she get her boogie on competing on Dancing with the Stars? Will she be stuck in a lab researching the existence of cooties?

Before taking on the assignment of Coronavirus Response Coordinator, Dr. Birx had great respect. It continued while she served under Donald Trump. She is in good standing with Trump which means…her stock in reality is going down.

Dr. Birx achieved the rank of Colonel in the U.S. Army. She’s worked as a physician at Walter Reed Army Medical Center in multiple roles, including in research. She worked at the National Institutes of Health as an investigator specializing in cellular immunology. She served as the director of the Division of Global HIV/AIDS for the Center for Disease Control. She was nominated and confirmed by the Senate as Ambassador at Large and U.S. Global Aids Coordinator.

Now, she’s saying people in Georgia can be “very creative” when it comes to social distancing in hair and nail salons and tattoo parlors. Talking to CNN’s Jake Tapper, she described Trump’s suggestion of injecting household cleaning products to fight coronavirus as just him “musing.”

She is walking a tightrope between doing her job and saving lives and not offending Trump by doing something crazy like…stating a fact. It’s very difficult to do your job appropriately while serving under a liar.

But, I think it would be more substantive, protective of the nation, and informational to stand up next to Donald Trump, and just admit he’s full of shit giving stupid advice that can kill people.

And in one broad stroke, Dr. Birx can prevent the death of her credibility along with the deaths of thousands of stupid Americans.

Dr. Fauci will ultimately be fired. But when he is, he’s going out the right way, by being honest. That is his doom in the Trump administration and his salvation outside it. Dr. Birx should do the same.

What does she have to lose?

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first.

But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performing busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box. 

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.