Trump

The Jerk


cjones04292017

During the presidential campaign Donald Trump promised his supporters repeatedly that he will build a wall along the Mexican border, because he’s good at building things, and that Mexico will pay for it. He based his entire campaign around the dumb wall idea. In fact, he first proposed the wall during his announcement for the presidency.

Now he’s pushing Congress to start the initial funding for the wall promising that Mexico will eventually pay for it one way or another. During the campaign he’d say “we’re gonna build a wall, and who’s gonna pay for it?” His racist supporters would gleefully shout in between chants of “lock her up” and beating up black protesters “Mexico!” At no point during that campaign did he ever say “we’re gonna build a wall, and who’s gonna pay for it?” with his supporters responding “Mexico…eventually one way or another after we pay for it initially.” Do you recall that? No you do not because it never happened.

From the very first day of the campaign when he first proposed the stupid wall everyone who possesses just the tiniest bit of sense knew it was total BS. Not only will Mexico not pay for that wall, but we’ll never build it. His supporters, however, believed it. Many Republicans in Congress still believe. Many just give it lip service knowing full well it’ll never happen. His supporters, who are still happy they voted for him, still believe in the wall fantasy.

Why won’t we build it? We shouldn’t build it because it’s a stupid-ass idea that’s racist and hateful to its core. Quite frankly, I don’t want to pay for stupid-ass racist ideas. Hell, they’re tearing them down in New Orleans (in the dead of night while wearing bulletproof vests so Nazis don’t shoot them). The real reason we won’t build it is because it will cost too much and it’s not even feasible. The government doesn’t even own all the land along our border with Mexico, and a lot of it runs along rivers and mountains. As for the cost, no one really knows. Do you know what’s a better idea? Taco trucks on every corner.

Trump first stated that it would cost $10 billion. Now they’re saying around $21 billion. Others are stating it’ll cost up to $70 billion and $150 million a year to maintain. That wall is not a toll booth that will pay for itself. Plus, after you build a 20-foot wall Mexicans will come up with 21-foot ladders. Besides, most people who are in this nation illegally didn’t enter over our border with Mexico. Building the wall is a statement that the only illegal immigrants we have an issue with are the brown ones.

I’m gonna go out on short limb here and say that illegal immigration is not the gravest threat to our nation. President Obama deported more people here without documentation than George W. Illegal immigration is down. It went down further over the winter, which it does every winter, and of course Trump took credit for that. He doesn’t believe man-made Climate Change can affect the weather, but he can. God just parts the clouds and ends the rain during his inauguration.

Trump wanted the wall so badly, and funding passed and signed before this weekend so he can have a legislative achievement before the 100-day marker, that he was willing to shut down the government. Attorney General Jeff Sessions complained that if the Democrats blocked it then it was their fault for shutting down the government.

How does it work that you can blame the Democrats when Republicans control the White House, Senate, and House? Oops, I forgot. By lying. By the way, Mr. Attorney General, you’re not in the Senate anymore. It’s time to remove yourself from partisan politics and to remove your lips which are firmly stuck to Trump’s pasty orange ass.

Trump is starting to realize that Congress isn’t going to fund the wall and he’s backing off. He still hasn’t embraced the reality that if Congress, which loves to throw money at bad ideas, won’t fund the wall then how in the world is he going to make the Mexican government pay for it?

Trump has already lied and broken several campaign promises. He’s broken the promise of Mexico paying for the wall so why not just let the lie happen in that the wall is never going to happen.

I do have a prediction for you: If they do start building the wall, it will never be finished. It will be a fitting monument to our stupidity, xenophobia, and racism.

Creative notes: I was having a cartoon discussion with one of my colleagues a couple weeks ago and we talked about using movies in our work. We were mocking this one guy who loves to use outdated movies, and the posters for those movies, for his cartoons (because he’s out of ideas). Do you know why Republican political cartoonists ran out of ideas? Because Jeff MacNelly died. I digress. This one cartoonist uses the Jim Carrey movie “Liar Liar” at least twice a year. It’s stupid. He also uses “Dumb And Dumber.” 

My buddy and I created a rule for our use. That rule is, don’t use a movie for a political cartoon unless it’s recent or a classic. Some classics, for example, are “Gone With The Wind,” “The Wizard Of Oz,” “Casablanca,” and “Jaws.” Some more fairly recent classics, which you know I’ve used, are “Airplane,” “Blazing Saddles,” and “The Jerk.” I think my pal disagreed on using “The Jerk.” I don’t and I just created a new rule. That rule is: If the average red-blooded American can name one quote from the movie, then you can use it in a cartoon.

I’m sure everyone in the world knows “there’s no place like home,” “this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship,” “frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn,” “We’re gonna need a bigger boat,” “yes I am serious and don’t call me “Shirley,'” “where all the white women at?”, and “he hates these cans.” 

I didn’t have to Google any of those quotes. Of course, I am a geek and a trove of useless information, but I’m sure you recognize every single quote and the film they came from. If you didn’t, stop reading my blog. I disown you.

I’ve also learned that when you use quotes, especially from the comedies, people love it almost as much as they love seeing a Beagle in the cartoon.

Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. Your support contributes to my work and continued existence. The starving cartoonist appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

Want a signed copy of this cartoon? Donate at least $50 and I’ll ship it to you. Make sure to mention in the note with your donation which cartoon you want along with the mailing address you need it shipped to. If it’s a gift, make sure to mention the recipient’s name so I can make it out to them.

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First 100


cjones04262017

Perhaps the most disturbing thing about the first one hundred days of the administration of Donald Trump is that….OH GOD!!! IT’S ONLY BEEN ONE HUNDRED DAYS!!! OH THE HORROR!!!! SOMEONE HOLD ME!!!!

No no no. It’s all right. We’ll be OK. Well, actually no. Most of us will probably die from radiation fallout and those who remain will battle between themselves for scraps of possum meat in the Thunder Dome.

Every president’s immediate impact is judged by what they have accomplished within their first 100 days. Trump was a big proponent of this and near the end of the presidential campaign he issued a “Contract with the American Voter” which promised he would introduce and “fight for” 10 specific pieces of legislation in his first 100 days.

Among those initiatives were bills to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act, dramatically cut taxes, spur $1 trillion in infrastructure investments and significantly expand school choice. The only legislative item introduced was a bill to repeal and replace Obamacare, and it didn’t even get a vote.

While Trump and his team boast about the confirmation of Neil Gorsuch to the Supreme Court, even that measure took significant manipulation as the Republicans had to steal the nomination from President Obama and changed the rules of the Senate so fewer votes were required to hijack the seat. Still, that’s not a legislative accomplishment.

Now Trump thinks it’s ridiculous to gauge him by his first 100 days. That means even he knows he hasn’t accomplished squat. He’s in a race with time to have an accomplishment before the 100-day marker which is next week. He wants to push another bill to replace Obamacare, but health care needs to be taken a little more seriously than a rush job designed to soothe a fragile ego.

The Obama administration worked nearly a year on the Affordable Healthcare Act before moving it through Congress. The Trump team attempted it within their first two months and it fell flat (despite the GOP having seven years to put something together other than repeals and lies about death panels). Now Trump plans to shove something through by next week? If they’re taking bets on that in Vegas, I’m in.

He also wants to push through a tax cut which he says will be the biggest tax cut ever. He also said his inauguration crowd and electoral victory were the largest ever. Since everything he claims as “yuge” turns out to be tiny, small, and shriveled, keep in mind he also bragged about the size of his penis.

What we’ve had has been 100 days of chaos. Very few presidents recover after having a lousy start. Ask William Henry Harrison. If we’re to use the first 100 days as an indicator of what to expect, we’re going to have four years of chaos.

Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. Your support contributes to my work and continued existence. The starving cartoonist appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

Want a signed copy of this cartoon? Donate at least $50 and I’ll ship it to you. Make sure to mention in the note with your donation which cartoon you want along with the mailing address you need it shipped to. If it’s a gift, make sure to mention the recipient’s name so I can make it out to them.

They’ll Let Anyone In Here


cjones04252017

Much has been made of the Trump administration concealing the visitors log so the public can’t see who’s leaving a trail of slime in and out of the White House. It really makes me wonder what kind of sludge they would be ashamed to be associated with if they’re sharing photos of the likes of Sarah Palin, Ted Nugent, and Kid Rock standing around Trump at the Resolute Desk. Wanna throw up yet? I’m with ya’.

These are some of those consequences of elections they talk about. Conservatives had a hard time with White House visits by Al Sharpton, Jay Z, and Beyonce. But this assortment of loons is a basket of deplorables.

Ted Nugent, whose most famous song is about “vagina grabbing,” has made veiled threats to kill Obama, who he’s also called a “subhuman mongrel.” Anyone who’s made threats toward a president, any president, should not be allowed on the White House grounds ever. He’s lucky he’s not in prison, which he said he’d be or dead if Obama was reelected in 2008. He’s not in jail and he’s still alive. He’s a hateful racist person and he gets to visit the Oval office. Nice.

We’re lucky Sarah Palin’s trip to the White House is only for a photo opportunity, and not an administration job. I guess even Trump isn’t that stupid. Perhaps she got to use her visit to share more wild conspiracy theories with the president. He eats that stuff up.

Kid Rock, like Nugent, is collecting guns. Two years ago he talked about buying guns because he believed “Obummer” was going to ban them. Conservatives loved to pull up naughty lyrics by Jay Z and Beyonce and used them as bad examples for the Obamas to associate with. I guess they don’t have any problems with Trump hanging out with a guy who described himself as a pimp selling whores. If for no other reason, I wouldn’t allow Kid Rock on the grounds for the butchering he did of “Sweet Home Alabama” AND “Werewolves Of London” which he combined into one song.

I am more concerned about who Trump puts on his staff than who comes for dinner, eats the meatloaf, tries the chocolate cake, makes a disrespectful photo with a portrait of Hillary Clinton, etc. But seriously, where is the class and dignity?

Conservatives complained about Michelle Obama baring her arms. They don’t have a problem with Palin baring her shoulders in the Oval Office, or the fact that Kid Rock and The Nuge both wore hats. Ronald Reagan and George W. wouldn’t enter the room without wearing a tie and jacket. Jeans were also banned. I suppose exceptions can be made for those who be big pimpin’.

On Thursday Trump refused to describe Kim Jong-un as unstable. The North Korean leader further enhanced his image of a crackpot a few years ago by entertaining Dennis Rodman. What sort of message is Trump sending by hanging out with this riffraff?

Trump wanted to reward Palin for endorsing him during the primaries. Despite her endorsement, he won anyway. As it turns out, Nugent and Kid Rock weren’t actually invited. The invitation was for Palin and friends. Surprising your host with those two would be like going to a party and your date is a cocaine-riddled prostitute who sneaks into the host’s bedroom and tries on all their underwear. Or even worse, a DJ.

Palin does not conduct herself in the dignified manner you’d expect from one who was a vice presidential candidate and governor of an actual state, even if that state is Alaska. Instead of class and grace Palin chooses to ride the troglodyte train with Nugent and Rock. Their pettiness was saved for posterity with the mocking photo-op by the Clinton portrait.

John F. Kennedy once hosted an event for Nobel Prize winners. During the reception he said “I think this is the most extraordinary collection of talent, of human knowledge, that has ever been gathered at the White House – with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone.”

Hosting the shitter, the quitter, and the one-hitter, Donald Trump finally got the opportunity to be the smartest guy in the room.

Update and non-creative note: If I had know the “shitter, quitter, one-hitter” line would be such a hit with my friends on social media, I would have made this note earlier. I did not come up with that. I would love to give credit to who did but I snaked it from Twitter where I saw it used by several people. I don’t want credit for something I didn’t create. I did write the second half of the sentence (smartest guy in the room) but the description for Nugent, Palin, and Kid Rock is not mine.

Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. Your support contributes to my work and continued existence. The starving cartoonist appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

Want a signed copy of this cartoon? Donate at least $50 and I’ll ship it to you. Make sure to mention in the note with your donation which cartoon you want along with the mailing address you need it shipped to. If it’s a gift, make sure to mention the recipient’s name so I can make it out to them.

It’s Always In The Last Place You Look


cjones04222017

Have you checked your pockets and couch cushions? Maybe it’s off the Korean peninsula or the Indian Ocean. Check the Sunda Strait off the coast of Indonesia. Perhaps it’s in Fulton County.

Donald Trump is boasting that he’s done more in his first 90 days as president than any other American president has before him. He might have a point as I can’t think of any other who nearly got us into a nuclear confrontation and lost track of an aircraft carrier in that time frame.

Criticize Obama all you want about not acting on his “red line” threat with Syria, but at least he didn’t attempt to intimidate a rogue regime with an “armada” and then send it in the wrong direction. Trump has already confused Iraq for Syria. Maybe he confused North Korea with Australia. At least he still has Mike Pence’s steely gaze while wearing that leather bomber jacket to let them know he means business. Hope there’s no gay people in North Korea.

While that fleet was tooling around the wrong ocean Trump was bullying children at the White House Easter egg roll. A kid asked him to sign his “Make America Great Again” cap, and perhaps thinking he was doing the kid a favor, tossed it into the crowd after signing it. I hope Kim Jong-un was paying attention. Later he couldn’t find his heart. Melania, visiting from NYC, had to inform him where it was so he could put his hand over it during the singing of the national anthem.

One person who may not want to sport a MAGA hat is Karen Handel, the Republican who will be facing Democrat Jon Ossoff in a runoff for Georgia’s 6th District Congressional seat. Republican Bob Gray fancied himself the Trump guy but he only scored 10% of the vote in Tuesday’s special election. Ms. Handel won 19% and that still pales in comparison to Ossoff, who led the voting with 48%. Out of the eighteen candidates running for the seat vacated by Tom Price, who bailed to become Trump’s Health and Human Services secretary, twelve were Republicans. The GOP will rally around Handel to retain the seat for their party though all the GOP candidate’s combined vote total doesn’t match or beat Ossoff’s total. As Scooby would say, “ruh roh.”

The Sixth has been in Republican hands for over 30 years. Newt Gingrich used to hold it. Trump barely won the district last November and he may lose it for his party now. Republicans recently barely retained a seat in Kansas and almost lost it to the Democrats because of Trump. Kansas! Did I mention that other seat was in Kansas? The same Kansas where they outlawed science had people voting for a Democrat. Before you know it they’ll start reading books. Kansas!

Trump’s going to lose a lot for the Republican party. They’ve already lost their credibility and dignity. My biggest concern is what Trump will lose for the rest of us. I’m fine with him losing MAGA hats.

Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. Your support contributes to my work and continued existence. The starving cartoonist appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

Want a signed copy of this cartoon? Donate at least $50 and I’ll ship it to you. Make sure to mention in the note with your donation which cartoon you want along with the mailing address you need it shipped to. If it’s a gift, make sure to mention the recipient’s name so I can make it out to them.

She Did Nazi That Coming


cjones04202017

Nathan Damigo is a real tough guy. Who?

Nathan Damigo is a white supremacist who is a student at California State University. During Saturday’s nationwide protests for Trump to release his taxes, Mr. Damigo punched a woman. It was caught on video from the protest in Berkeley.

Donald Trump is not about transparency. He refuses to show the public his taxes and is now concealing the records of who visits the White House. Fortunately for Trump there are Nazis like Damigo that will punch a woman to protect Trump’s privilege.

Trump’s chief concern about the protest isn’t about his racist supporters punching women. He was more concerned about who paid the protesters to protest. Seeing that Trump has promised to pay legal fees for his supporters who assault his critics, perhaps he’ll pony up for Mr. Damigo’s legal defense.

Donald Trump is going to be the most expensive president in American history. Protection of his family is draining the budget for the Secret Service. Since we’re paying for his protection at the White House, Trump Tower, Mar-a-Lago, and for each of his children, it’s only fair that he show us what he’s kicking in and where he made his money.

Trump needs to release his taxes, stop keeping it a secret on who’s visiting the White House, and call on his Nazis to stop punching women.

And if you’re on Twitter, tweet this cartoon at Nathan Damigo. He’ll Nazi it coming.

Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. Your support contributes to my work and continued existence. The starving cartoonist appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

Want a signed copy of this cartoon? Donate at least $50 and I’ll ship it to you. Make sure to mention in the note with your donation which cartoon you want along with the mailing address you need it shipped to. If it’s a gift, make sure to mention the recipient’s name so I can make it out to them.

Fun With Giraffes


cjones04192017

I was going to take today off but I figured if April could squeeze out a tiny giraffe then I can squeeze out another cartoon. I still plan to kinda chill tonight, watch a movie, and attempt to sleep sort of like a normal person. In a bed and not upside down from a tree branch.

That giraffe finally gave birth. The zoo in Podunk, New York were expecting the baby to be born between mid-January and mid-February, but April waited for April. She still has time to finish her taxes. And if you had Trump releasing his taxes before April delivering a new giraffe, pay up.

April became an internet sensation as people logged in to see her give birth but only saw a live stream of what appeared to be a bored giraffe. Hey, she’s on the left side of the pen. Now she’s on the right side of the pen. It seems giraffes, when they’re not hooking up with other giraffes to make tiny giraffes, don’t do much more than pace. Eventually views decreased. Who knew being a giraffe could be so boring? It was like watching Lords Of The Rings.

April’s baby is here and it’s already walking. My great-nephew (great as in my brother’s daughter’s baby) is over a year old and just now figured out walking. Of course he didn’t have the advantage of cooking for 15 months, which I’m sure my niece is thankful for. She won’t see this post. No one in my family reads my work.

April’s baby daddy, Oliver, who is also a giraffe, will not be involved in the care and raising of his baby. That’s really not the slacking off of responsibility one would expect from an Oliver. I’d expect an Oliver to be buying savings bonds, being at every soccer game, and yelling to the little giraffe to turn the music down and with Oliver Jr. screaming back  “you don’t understand me!” and somewhere 28 years later someone’s playing “giraffes in the cradle. But no. All male giraffes wanna do is fight and make more giraffes. If there’s a program to study that I’m sure Trump’s cutting the funding.

That’s all the smart-assness you’re getting out of me until Monday morning. I’m now four days ahead with my cartoons. Crazy! Now if any of you want to recommend what movie I watch tonight, I’m all ears. First to suggest “LOTR” is cut off!

Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. Your support contributes to my work and continued existence. The starving cartoonist appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

Want a signed copy of this cartoon? Donate at least $50 and I’ll ship it to you. Make sure to mention in the note with your donation which cartoon you want along with the mailing address you need it shipped to. If it’s a gift, make sure to mention the recipient’s name so I can make it out to them.

Best Marshmallow Ever


cjones04182017

Did you know that North Korea has an official Twitter account in English? It’s really difficult to understand. It’s like following Donald Trump’s Twitter.

North Korea celebrated the birth of its founding ruler yesterday, or today. I’m not sure anymore since they changed their time zone from what is internationally recognized. Insanity isn’t just setting your country years behind the rest of the world, it’s setting your clocks back thirty minutes. And you thought Daylight Savings Time was annoying.

Not only is North Korea behind South Korea by thirty minutes, their “Juche” calendar doesn’t recognize time before 1912, the year of the birth of Kim II-sung, the founding leader. So 2017 in North Korea is year Juche 106. Now you know more about North Korea than our president.

While you’re thinking that they’re really nuts with their Dear Leader, crazy times, silly years, massive parades with missiles overcompensating, and you DO NOT want to try the Koryo burger, but keep in mind that’s exactly the type of parade our Duh Leader wanted on inauguration day.

During our election campaign right wing wackos were spreading fear of war between the U.S. and Russia if Hillary Clinton was elected. Those fears were brought up again after Trump launched missiles into Syria. I’ve also seen articles recently about a possible war with China. I’m not worried about either of those hypothetical situations.

North Korea is scary. They’ve been scary for years. What amazes me is that our president scares me more. Trump is launching missiles, dropping huge bombs on caves, and sending what he called an “armada” of ships to the Korean peninsula while tweeting that the DPRK is “looking for trouble.”

This is kinda like high school when the two toughest kids wanted to fight. But in this case it’s the two dumbest kids. Trump seems to enjoy dropping bombs and they sure seem to distract us from his connections with Russia. His son, Junior, likes it too as the spoiled trust fund baby who never enlisted was cheering Daddy Duhbucks on from Twitter.

North Korea believes any strike against them will be meant to topple their government. How does America go to war with North Korea without starting a war? It’s complicated.

What inspired this cartoon wasn’t just stupid Republicans praising Trump for his war mongering, but also many in the media and the left. MSNBC’s Brian Williams described the missiles flying toward Syria as beautiful. Nice job on joining the complicit, Brian.

As President Tiny Penis leads us to Armageddon, I think about everyone who voted for him.

Thanks a lot, fuckers.

Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. Your support contributes to my work and continued existence. The starving cartoonist appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

Want a signed copy of this cartoon? Donate at least $50 and I’ll ship it to you. Make sure to mention in the note with your donation which cartoon you want along with the mailing address you need it shipped to. If it’s a gift, make sure to mention the recipient’s name so I can make it out to them.