General Kelly, Meet Captain Chaos


“Oh and you know the thing about chaos, it’s fair.” – The Joker, The Dark Knight, 2008

Not every individual in the Trump administration is regarded as an incompetent loon, like Rick Perry, Betsy Devos, Ben Carson, Kellyanne Conway, etc. Rex Tillerson, General James “Mad Dog” Mattis, and H.R. McMaster have entered with respect and dignity in Washington only to see it all erode under the presidency of Trump.

Tillerson has a smaller staff than Jared Kushner and the man has stood by Trump’s side when he cuddled up to Putin. Mattis has trouble explaining an administration’s policies on defense when that administration dictates those policies by tweets. H.R. McMaster has gone before the press assuring the nation that Trump didn’t spill secrets to Russians in the Oval Office, only to have Trump undercut him by confirming that he gave secrets to the Russians.

Now General John Kelly is leaving his position as Secretary of Homeland Security to replace Reince Priebus as Chief of Staff. The idea here is that the White House staff will now actually report to the Chief of Staff. What a novel concept.

Kelly’s first act on his very first day on the job was to cut out one of the many cancers in the White House and fire Anthony Scaramucci. The Mooch was shit-canned ten days after being hired for a job he had not technically even started yet.

Trump loved The Mooch’s bombastic style as it resembles Trump’s own art of fuckery and self-destruction. Trump even endorsed the chaos and infighting Moochy brought to the team and told the guy that he wouldn’t report to the Chief of Staff, and would be supervised only by Trump. With the hiring of Mooch, out went Sean Spicer and a few days later, Priebus.

According to anonymous sources within the White House, one of Kelly’s terms of taking the job was to get rid of Scaramucci. The general did not want to run an organization full of infighting and backstabbing. The White House says Trump, the “pussy grabber,” couldn’t condone the language The Mooch used in a New Yorker interview. It probably didn’t help The Mooch’s standing with Trump that he was getting more attention.

Within the last ten days, Scaramucci was hired, attacked colleagues publicly, his wife filed for divorce and then gave birth while Scaramucci was traveling with Trump. That was just a little too much Page Six for The Donald.

Now Kelly is controlling the White House staff and everyone will report to him instead of having direct access to the president….except Ivanka, Jared, probably Stephen Bannon, Stephen Miller, and Putin.

But how will Kelly control the chaos when the commander and chief of chaos is in the Oval Office? Will he uninstall the Twitter app from Trump’s phone, explain to Trump the Nuclear Triad, prevent him from endorsing police brutality, make him stop lying about crowd sizes and wiretaps, or get him to cease from obstructing justice? How will Kelly help Trump stop obsessing over Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton? What sort of shiny objects will he use to distract Trump from Robert Mueller? Can he prevent Trump from writing press releases for Don Jr. that lie about his meetings with Russians? How will Kelly reply when asked to substantiate typical Donald Trump bullshit? Will the general refuse to back up lies or will he become less prestigious than that cartoon general who sells car insurance?

General Kelly commanded troops in Iraq, which is less of a quagmire than Trump’s hair or the chaotic gunk he sprays on his face.

Now The Mooch is out and the general can conduct a White House of substance and rationality…until Kellyanne Conway takes over as Communications Director. Good luck, General!

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