Kelly

General Papa John Kelly


cjones11062017

It seems so long ago that we had high hopes for General John Kelly and the influence he would command in the Oval Office.

The first publicly-known term for Kelly to take the job as the Chief-of-Staff was for Trump to get rid of Anthony Scaramucci. It gave us the impression he wouldn’t tolerate any nonsense, and when Scaramucci was fired we believed he had considerable influence on Donald Trump.

There were reports Kelly was running a tight ship. Staffers couldn’t just pop into the Oval Office anymore to share with the president the latest conspiracy theory they gleaned off InfoWars. People, even Jared and Ivanka, would need an appointment to meet with the president. Trump would also become more presidential, and we’d see fewer tweets from the First Toilet.

We all felt Kelly took the job out of an obligation to save the world from Trump. He would spare us from a nuclear Armageddon over an insult from North Korea, like “dotard.”

With General Kelly at the helm, we could sleep at nights.

Then, Trump said there were good people marching with Nazis. As the stupidity spilled from Trump’s mouth, Kelly was looking down at his shoes as though he was in serious anguish over the racist comments. We thought he was wondering what he “signed up for,” and how he could repair the problem in the White House.

As Trump spoke at the United Nations and referred to Kim Jong Un as “Little Rocket Man” and threatened to destroy him, Kelly sat in his chair nearly putting his head between his knees. We all assumed he was recoiling from the immature rant on an international stage. As it turns out, he was probably just suffering from dining on 7-11 breakfast burritos, and he was bargaining with God for the consequences to happen at any time, but not at that time.

Hope in Kelly started to dim as the tweets continued. Where was Kelly’s influence of being calm, reasonable, or at the very least, not acting like a man-baby with a full diaper?

Then, Kelly attacked a black Democratic Congresswoman. He accused her of politicizing the death of a slain soldier, even though Donald Trump had started it and even brought the death of the General’s son into the discussion. Kelly didn’t take down Trump’s lie that he’s the only president who ever called Gold Star families.

Kelly then told a lie about the congresswoman and called her an “empty barrel.” After footage of the event in question proved Kelly was a liar, the White House Spokesgoon, Sarah Huckabee Sanders told us that we shouldn’t “debate a four-star general.” To make matters worse, Kelly never apologized for using a racist insult, or for lying.

This week, Kelly defended white-people heritage by saying Robert E. Lee was an honorable man. He told us the Civil War was started by a “lack of ability to compromise,” ignoring the fact the root cause of the war was slavery. Duh!!! He claimed that people were more loyal to states than country back in the 1860s.

By now, the general’s credibility is on the same level as Papa John.

Papa John, the man who started a pizza company in a closet and now lives in a Kentucky castle told us that the anthem protests in the NFL are responsible for his decreased profits. Papa likes to say “better ingredients. Better pizza,” but what he’s really about is bigger bullshit.

John Schnatter, the CEO and founder of Papa John’s lost $70 million within hours after releasing its third-quarter financial report on Tuesday afternoon. After the report’s estimates on earnings and revenue hit Wall Street, the stock dropped 11% by 12:30 PM the next day.

Schnatter has criticized Obamacare in the past and used it to deny hours to his employees. He’s hosted fundraisers and contributed to the presidential campaigns of Mitt Romney and Donald Trump. Schnatter is becoming a hero to the far-right, the alt-right, the alt-white, and conservative goons in general. His pizza is probably now the favorite pizza for creepy icky people.

Thus, proving Republicans can swallow all sorts of disgusting bullshit.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

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Kelly Gets Smelly


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Normally, I would feel guilty for using the “he knew what he signed up for” line twice in one week. But, the first Trump cartoon I created with that line won’t be published by most of my clients because it has a giant fat ass in it. Plus, it includes a naked butt.

General John Kelly, the White House Chief of Staff is a man who has earned our respect. It has been believed by many that his presence in the White House is good for the nation as it will restrain Trump from unleashing total stupid hell on the rest of us. The same has been believed about Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, Generals H.R. McMaster, and James Mattis.

Kelly lost his son, Second Lt. Robert Kelly in combat in 2012. The general has gone to great lengths to keep his son out of the public limelight and politics, even as he has served in high-profile positions in government. Thursday, Kelly defended Trump’s call to a Gold Star widow, and he gave a description of what happens to the remains of those killed in combat, and how the grieving families back home are notified. The description was stark, somber, and delivered with a heavy heart. It was one that should be listened to with great respect and appreciation. Then, Kelly lost his shit.

Rex Tillerson refused to answer if he called Trump a “moron.” He didn’t want to play the ridiculous games of Washington or dignify the rumors. Excuse me, Rex, but you work for Donald Trump. Your part of an administration that doesn’t have Jack shit on dignity, and Jack left town. Rex has been neutered by Trump and his credibility was sold with his soul when he signed on with Donald Trump.

H.R. McMaster lost his credibility when he assured us that Donald Trump did not give classified information, provided by an ally, to the Russian ambassador and foreign minister. Then, Trump told us that’s exactly what he did. These generals and titans of business have reduced themselves to the respectability of Sean Spicer, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Kellyanne Conway, and Anthony Scaramucci.

Representative Frederica Wilson claims Trump told the war widow that her husband “knew what he signed up for.” Her account has been backed up by the widow and his family. Trump called her a liar and Kelly did the same thing…as he verified Wilson’s account of what was said. Trump tweeted this morning, “The Fake News is going crazy with wacky Congresswoman Wilson(D), who was SECRETLY on a very personal call, and gave a total lie on content!” Sucking at comprehension as most conservatives do, Trump missed the fact that Kelly actually verified the account given by “wacky” Congresswoman Wilson.

Kelly said, “It stuns me that a member of Congress would have listened in on that conversation — absolutely stuns me.” Yes, it stuns Kelly that someone would listen in on a conversation he listened in on. Am I the only one catching this shit?

Kelly said he was so upset by the politicization of war deaths that he had to take a walk through Arlington National Cemetery. During his walk, did the General contemplate how Trump was the first one to politicize war deaths when he used them to create a contest between himself and President Obama? Did he ponder how Trump was the first one to bring his son into this issue? Did he speculate why Trump would drop a lie that Obama, Bush, or Clinton had never called Gold Star families? Did he think, even for a second, just how utterly stupid and ridiculous it was for Trump to conduct a condolence contest like it’s another episode of The Apprentice? Perhaps, in the back of Kelly’s memory are the instances where Trump said he doesn’t “like people who get captured,” or that they’re “only war heroes because they’re captured,” or the time he feuded with a Gold Star family.  Did any of those events “stun” him?

Kelly didn’t stop his criticism of Ms. Wilson there. He noted that during an emotional 2015 ceremony, Wilson had crassly claimed political credit for getting funding for an F.B.I. building in Miami that was named for fallen agents.

He said, “and we were stunned — stunned that she’d done it. Even for someone that is that empty a barrel, we were stunned.” Apparently, a lot “stuns” Kelly except for Trumpfuckery.

Ms. Wilson has accused Kelly of lying about this occasion and said it’s impossible for her to take credit for the funding of the building since the funding was passed by Congress before she was elected. She has taken and been given credit, for naming the building. Kelly was also off on the amount of funding, but that’s probably not a big deal. What may be a big deal is that many people find the term “empty barrel” racist. It’s new to me, so I can’t say. I Googled it, but every description I found only seemed to describe people who support Donald Trump.

Kelly can be taken seriously when he speaks for the military and about Gold Star families, as he is a member of those families. But, when it comes to defending Trump, Kelly, like Tillerson and H.R. McMaster (and soon, Mattis), is losing all dignity and credibility.

But, hey. He knew what he signed up for.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

Generals And Handbags


cjones08082017

Occasionally I’ll make a sarcastic post on social media, and last week I wrote, “Ivanka Trump is excited to work “alongside” Kelly. I’m sure the GENERAL is excited to be working alongside a mediocre fashion designer.”

I also posted, “If anyone looked at me the way Mike Pence looks at Donald Trump, I’d get a restraining order.” Seriously, the guy has an expression of warm satisfaction as though he just made a boom-boom. But that’s an issue for another day.

My comment about Ivanka got a lot of responses, and it gave me this idea. I usually don’t make a post on social media that I’ll use later for a cartoon, but I thought of the cartoon after I mouthed off.

Maybe we are making too much out of Ivanka’s tweet about working “alongside” the general, but it illustrates just how absurd and ridiculous this administration conducts itself. The people Donald Trump has placed in his administration are ludicrous. The rapper Ludacris couldn’t create a more ludicrous staff than Trump.

During the campaign, I heard people say they would vote for Trump because they were pro-military. Trump often states how much he respects the military. Trump doesn’t respect anything, and his actions prove he doesn’t respect the office he holds. The man insulted a former P.O.W. and Gold Star parents. Placing his inexperienced daughter “alongside” a general is further disrespect. A highly-decorated and accomplished general supposedly shares the same status and access to the president as a fashion designer, or in Ivanka’s case, someone who pilfers designs from other designers and then has the products made by eight-year-old children in China.

President John F. Kennedy practiced nepotism when he made his brother the Attorney General, but at least in that case, you could believe Robert Kennedy could actually do the job. Other than Trump sycophants, who believes Ivanka Trump can shape or even understand policy? We can’t expect her influence to be positive as her silence after Trump’s sexist attack on Mika Brzezinski makes her complicit.

Her husband and Trump’s son-in-law is further nepotism you can’t have any faith in. The “kid” has a larger staff than the Secretary of State. Trump has placed him in charge of finding peace in the Middle East (because he’s Jewish), advising the president, reinventing government (The Office of American Innovation), being a “shadow” diplomat, solving the opioid epidemic, handling diplomacy with Mexico and China, “reimagining” Veteran Affairs, reforming the criminal justice system, and laying out the president’s clothes in the morning.

Our confidence that 36-year-old Jared can accomplish any of the above duties is undermined by his defense of meeting Russians which was, “I’m a novice to politics and I don’t have a clue what I’m doing.” How can the guy be expected to do any of those duties when he’s too busy rewriting his security clearance on a daily basis?

Even Don Jr. is in on the nepotism action, even though he’s supposed to be running the Trump Corporation and separated from what’s going on in the White House.

Everyone’s excited about General John Kelly taking over as Chief of Staff. He’s cleaning house a little by getting rid of Anthony Scaramucci and a few other people that the adults didn’t want on the National Security Council. According to reports, all briefs and information has to go through him before it reaches Trump (maybe no more breaking Breitbart news), he’s shutting the door to the Oval Office so “stragglers” won’t enter to put stupid ideas into the president’s head (though he’s capable of doing that on his own), he’s cutting off people in mid-sentence when they’re rambling, and more importantly, everyone has to go through him before meeting with the president, even Ivanka and Jared. I don’t buy that last one. Where will the General be at 8:37 PM when little princess goes up to see daddy? Can the General get Trump to stop watching Fox And Friends?

Kelly has brought structure and discipline to the Oval Office. Trump has never practiced structure, discipline, or sense in his professional or private life. He’s going to hate it and Kelly won’t last beyond six months. Besides, how much structure is he really bringing with the ilk of Steve Bannon, Stephen Miller, and Kellyanne Conway still hanging about?

You can’t shine a turd. Kelly would have more success in getting “presidential” out of a nutless monkey than he will from Donald Trump.

Creative notes: I was supposedly taking yesterday off, but I drew a cartoon in the morning. This cartoon is kind of a bonus cartoon, because I’m drawing another tonight. While I wanted to do this, I think there are a few more pressing issues I want to cover. I haven’t decided which one yet (so much fuckery).  I’m hoping between now and drawing tonight that I eat something and take a nap.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

General Kelly, Meet Captain Chaos


cjones08022017

“Oh and you know the thing about chaos, it’s fair.” – The Joker, The Dark Knight, 2008

Not every individual in the Trump administration is regarded as an incompetent loon, like Rick Perry, Betsy Devos, Ben Carson, Kellyanne Conway, etc. Rex Tillerson, General James “Mad Dog” Mattis, and H.R. McMaster have entered with respect and dignity in Washington only to see it all erode under the presidency of Trump.

Tillerson has a smaller staff than Jared Kushner and the man has stood by Trump’s side when he cuddled up to Putin. Mattis has trouble explaining an administration’s policies on defense when that administration dictates those policies by tweets. H.R. McMaster has gone before the press assuring the nation that Trump didn’t spill secrets to Russians in the Oval Office, only to have Trump undercut him by confirming that he gave secrets to the Russians.

Now General John Kelly is leaving his position as Secretary of Homeland Security to replace Reince Priebus as Chief of Staff. The idea here is that the White House staff will now actually report to the Chief of Staff. What a novel concept.

Kelly’s first act on his very first day on the job was to cut out one of the many cancers in the White House and fire Anthony Scaramucci. The Mooch was shit-canned ten days after being hired for a job he had not technically even started yet.

Trump loved The Mooch’s bombastic style as it resembles Trump’s own art of fuckery and self-destruction. Trump even endorsed the chaos and infighting Moochy brought to the team and told the guy that he wouldn’t report to the Chief of Staff, and would be supervised only by Trump. With the hiring of Mooch, out went Sean Spicer and a few days later, Priebus.

According to anonymous sources within the White House, one of Kelly’s terms of taking the job was to get rid of Scaramucci. The general did not want to run an organization full of infighting and backstabbing. The White House says Trump, the “pussy grabber,” couldn’t condone the language The Mooch used in a New Yorker interview. It probably didn’t help The Mooch’s standing with Trump that he was getting more attention.

Within the last ten days, Scaramucci was hired, attacked colleagues publicly, his wife filed for divorce and then gave birth while Scaramucci was traveling with Trump. That was just a little too much Page Six for The Donald.

Now Kelly is controlling the White House staff and everyone will report to him instead of having direct access to the president….except Ivanka, Jared, probably Stephen Bannon, Stephen Miller, and Putin.

But how will Kelly control the chaos when the commander and chief of chaos is in the Oval Office? Will he uninstall the Twitter app from Trump’s phone, explain to Trump the Nuclear Triad, prevent him from endorsing police brutality, make him stop lying about crowd sizes and wiretaps, or get him to cease from obstructing justice? How will Kelly help Trump stop obsessing over Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton? What sort of shiny objects will he use to distract Trump from Robert Mueller? Can he prevent Trump from writing press releases for Don Jr. that lie about his meetings with Russians? How will Kelly reply when asked to substantiate typical Donald Trump bullshit? Will the general refuse to back up lies or will he become less prestigious than that cartoon general who sells car insurance?

General Kelly commanded troops in Iraq, which is less of a quagmire than Trump’s hair or the chaotic gunk he sprays on his face.

Now The Mooch is out and the general can conduct a White House of substance and rationality…until Kellyanne Conway takes over as Communications Director. Good luck, General!

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.