Some days, I just can’t make this shit up.

Florida banned teachers from discussing sexual orientation and gender identity. Then Florida banned abortion after 15 weeks, even in the case of rape or incest. Now, they’re banning woke math. Seriously.

Republicans really hate when you refer to the homophobic legislation as the “Don’t say gay” bill, but it’s not like they ever called the Affordable Healthcare Act by its rightful name. Republicans point out that the term “don’t say gay” isn’t in the legislation, but that’s what it amounts to. To prove it doesn’t say gay, goons will post this test from the legislation: Classroom instruction by school personnel or third parties on sexual orientation or gender identity may not occur in kindergarten through grade 3 or in a manner that is not age-appropriate or developmentally appropriate for students in accordance with state standards.

That text screams “don’t say gay.” Now, if you disagree with this legislation that’s extremely ambiguous, its troglodyte supporters will accuse you of being a pedophile. Believing that children should be educated about people different than themselves and taught to accept them on their own terms doesn’t mean you’re a pedophile. Not wanting to raise a generation of goose-stepping Floridian bigots doesn’t make you a “groomer.” Florida Republicans are grooming the next generation to be haters. By the way, they’re OK if a teacher says “straight.”

Then, Ron DeSantis signed the new abortion ban that copies Mississippi’s abortion ban. The only things that should be copied from Mississippi are food, music, literature, and Marshall Ramsey’s sunny and positive attitude. He’s like Soup for Souls in jogging shorts (because he jogs). What you don’t copy from the state that just recently stopped flying the Confederate hater flag against its will is its legislation.

Florida House Representative Dana Trabulsy, a Republican, said she voted against the bill because she had an abortion years ago and is ashamed. But legal abortion didn’t make Rep. Trabulsy get an abortion. She chose to get the abortion. She had that right but now after she got to choose, she wants to take that right, that decision, away from other women. That’s a classic white Republican position. They can have it but you can’t. If you’re a woman in Florida, Republican Dana Trabulsy just took away your ability to make the decision she made.

She explained her vote to ban abortion in Florida with the statement, “This is the right to life and to give up life is unconscionable to me.” It wasn’t unconscionable to you when you wanted to exercise your “right” to abort a fetus, Rep. Hypocrite. And finding it “unconscionable” isn’t a legal argument against abortion. Abortion being a constitutional right doesn’t force you to have an abortion.

I find it unconscionable to put ketchup on a hot dog but I don’t think it should be illegal based on my morals and hot dog ethics. It’s not like I believe we should send people who desecrate perfectly good hot dogs with ketchup to a hidden island off the coast of Brunei for hot dog reeducation.
OK, I lied. I do think putting ketchup on a hot dog should be illegal and offenders proven guilty should be sent to an island off the coast of Brunei for hot dog reeducation.

What should be unconscionable to every Florida Republican is forcing a teenager to have her uncle’s baby…or her brother’s or her father’s. Now, they’re going to force poor women and girls to leave the state to exercise their constitutional rights…or force them to stay and have a baby. Perhaps the worst thing is that baby will have to grow up in backwater Florida and probably without the proper mustard/hot dog curriculum. The horror!

Now, Ron DeSantis is banning math. The Education Commissioner has banned 54 math books on the argument they will “indoctrinate” children. The banned books accounted for 71 percent of all math books for grades K-5. The Florida Department of Education said the books were rejected for not being “appropriately aligned” with Florida’s standards, as well as including prohibited topics and unsolicited strategies.

The department’s announcement said, “Florida Rejects Publishers’ Attempts to Indoctrinate Students.”

I know “indoctrinate” is a bad word, and using it without being specific is a great way to get dumbfucks riles up and outraged, but wouldn’t you want your kids “indoctrinated” to add and subtract, and not indoctrinated with putting ketchup on hot dogs? Nobody does that naturally. They were raised that way.

DeSantis said, “It seems that some publishers attempted to slap a coat of paint on an old house built on the foundation of Common Core, and indoctrinating concepts like race essentialism, especially, bizarrely, for elementary school students.” Maybe someone should slap…I better not finish that sentence.

And, what? “Race essentialism”? They are banning math books for containing what they’ve determined to be “Critical Race Theory.” Did the Department of Education provide any examples of CRT in Florida math books? No. But, fortunately for you, you have me here to speculate. Oh, good.

If Florida math books consist of math equations glazed with a touch of Critical Race Theory, I imagine the questions would go something like this:

Ken and Mark are hired for the same job on the same day. Ken and Mark have the exact same education and work experience. Ken and Mark are the exact same age. Ken’s new salary is $75,000 and Mark’s is $67,000. Ken is white and Mark is black. Thanks to America’s systemic racism, what is the percentage between both men’s salaries?

Another Critical Racy Theory question in the banned books might be this: If police shoot the same number of white people as they shoot black people, but black people only make up 13 percent of the U.S. population, what ratio is the discriminatory discrepancy? I’ll help you out. It’s 38 per million for blacks and 15 per million for whites.

Maybe a question for a future Florida math book can be: Suzy has two mommies. They live in a house they bought in Bradenton for $430,000. If the Bradenton real estate market increases by seven percent, how much will Suzy’s two mommies get for selling the house when they flee to a more enlightened state that doesn’t have a bigoted education system making Suzy feel ashamed for having two mommies? The answer is $461,100 and a mentally well-balanced Suzy who doesn’t grow up cutting herself in a closet.

Here’s another: If you’re a black person in Florida, how many whites screaming at you about Critical Race Theory does it take for you to say to yourself, “That’s some serious dog-whistling shit”?

And another: If you’re black, how many Karens saying they don’t believe white privilege is a thing does it take for you to roll your eyes so hard that you get a serious migraine?

Some questions may have to be simplified for Republicans. Let’s try one of those: If Jack has two daddies and they go to Disney World but are stopped by an angry mob who then murders one of Jack’s two daddies and feeds the corpse to alligators and manatees, how many daddies does Jack have left? It’s a trick question as a manatee would never eat one of Jack’s gay daddies because manatees aren’t hateful troglodyte homophobic Republicans. Did you know some manatees swim all the way to Cape Cod? Now we know why. Jack and his two daddies should probably move to Cape Cod as well.

Another simple one for Republicans: If Ron DeSantis and Donald Trump are in a boat off the coast of Mar-a-Lago, how many racist dumbasses are in that boat?

Another question with less math: If you live in Florida, WHY? For the love of God, why are you still in Florida? And, with Republicans all across the nation praising Ron DeSantis and saying, “Now that’s my kind of governor. Yee-Haw!,” there will be more MAGAt Yee-Haw fuckers moving to that state. Get out! Get out! Get the fuck out!

I’m a cartoonist. Cartoonists are notorious for being bad at math, but I can do simple multiplication.
For example: One racist dog-whistling homophobic governor plus one orange racist Ooomp-Loompa golf-ball stealing pussy-grabbing loser-president (sic) in Florida equals get the fuck out of Florida.

Personally, I’d rather live in a state where an apple and two bananas can get it on without being judged. Hold the ketchup.

Music note: I listened to a mix today while drawing this cartoon that included Sugar Ray, Incubus, and 311. I guess my player wanted me to listen to bands with DJs, which is something I’m not super fond of.

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