GRRRRRRRRReat Peace Negotiator


Do you remember the TV show “Finding Bigfoot?” In case you never saw it, it was about four morons traipsing through the forests of America looking for a creature that doesn’t exist. I didn’t see every episode, but of the few I did see, I never saw them tell a witness that their experience probably wasn’t a bigfoot encounter. Anytime a “witness” told them they heard some rustling in the woods, these “Squatch” experts would always say some shit like, “From my many years of squatching, it sounds like you definitely, positively, indeedly, and absolutely had a bigfoot encounter.” Never mind the fact there are animals in the woods that are known to make noises.

These guys, and one skeptical female, have been “squatchin'” for over three decades which they feel qualifies them as experts at finding bigfoot despite the fact (spoiler alert) they never do find a bigfoot.

The TV show ran on Animal Planet for nine years. Nine freaking years and not one bigfoot. Hell, not even a littlefoot. They never found any mermaids, unicorns, leprechauns, Loch Ness monsters, or fiscal Republicans either. But these guys should go ahead and build an institute for finding bigfoot where they can explain the techniques to finding bigfoots, their habits, traits, what kind of food they eat, their mating habits, and why they refuse to sit still for photos…even though none of them has never actually seen a bigfoot. The closest thing this nation’s ever seen to a skunk ape is Donald Trump and that skunky-bleached thing on his head.

They can build the Institute for Finding Bigfoot next to Jared Kushner’s Institute for Peace.

Yes. Jared Kushner, the same Jared Kushner who was appointed by his father-in-law to solve the conflict between Israel and Palestine, is building an institute that will follow his leadership on bringing peace to the Middle East. Has anyone asked people in Israel and Palestine lately, “Are you tired of winning yet?”

With Israel and Hamas attacking each other and rockets landing everywhere, buildings collapsing, and children dying, where’s Jared? I thought Jared fixed this.

Jared recently wrote an op-ed in The Wall Street Journal giving advice to President Biden on how to bring peace to the Middle East, which is confusing because I thought Jared had already done that.

Jared wrote he “set the table” to “unleash the Middle East’s potential, keep America safe, and help the region turn the page on a generation of conflict and instability,” and if Joe Biden was “smart,” his administration would embrace the opportunity created by the Trump administration.

Yeah, if you’re smart, you’ll listen to Jared, who was also put in charge of our immigration crisis at the border, the opioid crisis, justice reform, and he was the liaison to Mexico, China, and the U.S. Muslim community. He was also in charge of the heat lamps keeping all the Big Macs toasty every time a sports team visited the Trump White House.

Donald Trump put Jared in charge of resolving the decades-on-top-of-decades conflict between Israel and the Palestinians. Jared, being a trust-fund baby and real-estate guy who actually sucks at real estate, thought the conflict was merely over real estate…and then helped Israel further its expansion into Palestinian-held areas. He thinks it’s all about real estate and all the real estate belongs to Israel. They also though moving the U.S. embassy to Jerusalem would solve the crisis and be welcomed by the Palestinians.

Donald Trump actually believed Jared was the right man for the job, despite not having any experience with diplomacy or foreign policy, because he’s Jewish…and there has never been anyone Jewish working on peace in the Middle East.

Jared did bring peace between Israel, Bahrain, and the United Arab Emirates Republic, two nations Israel has never been at war with. Jared may as well have negotiated a peace deal between Israel and Iceland. He struck a deal with Saudi Arabia that now allows Israeli planes to fly through Saudi air. He also negotiated personal business bailouts from Qatar which some people may refer to as a “bribe.”

The Israel-Palestinian conflict wasn’t mentioned with the “peace accords” between Israel and nations it’s never been at war with, but Jared did address that issue by saying the problem could be solved if Palestinians could just stop being angry with Israel. My god. He is a genius.

Now, if we put Jared in charge of finding that Houston tiger, he’ll probably come back with a ferret he painted stripes on. We could even put him in charge of finding bigfoot. After all, we’ve already seen him in photos with a bleached skunk ape.

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  1. Reblogged this on It Is What It Is and commented:
    Excuse me but I can’t take this seriously! … “Jared recently wrote an op-ed in The Wall Street Journal giving advice to President Biden on how to bring peace to the Middle East, which is confusing because I thought Jared had already done that.”

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I had the same thoughts–“Didn’t Jared fix this?”

    Also, Bigfoot reminds me of those ghost hunter shows. I used to watch them all the time, but rarely did they come up with good, solid evidence. You never could be sure they weren’t fudging things. Ghost Hunters was more honest with homeowners in the beginning, but after a few seasons they started saying every place was “paranormal.”

    Liked by 1 person

  3. One thing Republican and Democratic administrations agree on seems to be is, a magnificent ally. However I don’t recall any instance of Israel and the United States collaborating during a conflict. In fact Israel shot the U.S.S. Liberty to pieces and killed many sailors in 1967. Israel and the United States appeared to be not intimate allies or anything else. Rather Israel appeared merely to be a proxy for degrading the Soviet Union’s clients such as Egypt.

    Now we (“we,” the world community altogether) are stuck with an American embassy in Jerusalem, a daily red flag in the face of the Palestinian people.

    Israeli Jews and Arabs lynch one another in the streets like KKK shirts and skins. Human Rights Watch has declared Israel to be an “Apartheid state.”

    If the United States and Israel were indeed allies, they might have collaborated to reduce the risk of conflict.

    Perhaps Israel is actually a strategic or ideological partner, rather than an ally, but so is Iceland.

    He of the orange-fungal scalp infestation and Cheetos-smeared “face” declares that he is such a manly man, no sex worker would ever charge him for servicing his glorious genitals. Such a magnmificent warrior should not be wasted on a medliocre country club, but clad in fatigues and a gas mask and air-dropped into the combat zone. It would be tragic if we lost him, but we lost many generals of even greater stature in the American Civil War. (If you’re a Republican, the United States fought on the Unuon side.)


    1. “The Union side.” You know. The folks who said, “Slavery bad. Freedom good.” And promised African Americans (formerly “abused livestock”) the right to vote.


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