GRRRRRRRRReat Peace Negotiator


Do you remember the TV show “Finding Bigfoot?” In case you never saw it, it was about four morons traipsing through the forests of America looking for a creature that doesn’t exist. I didn’t see every episode, but of the few I did see, I never saw them tell a witness that their experience probably wasn’t a bigfoot encounter. Anytime a “witness” told them they heard some rustling in the woods, these “Squatch” experts would always say some shit like, “From my many years of squatching, it sounds like you definitely, positively, indeedly, and absolutely had a bigfoot encounter.” Never mind the fact there are animals in the woods that are known to make noises.

These guys, and one skeptical female, have been “squatchin'” for over three decades which they feel qualifies them as experts at finding bigfoot despite the fact (spoiler alert) they never do find a bigfoot.

The TV show ran on Animal Planet for nine years. Nine freaking years and not one bigfoot. Hell, not even a littlefoot. They never found any mermaids, unicorns, leprechauns, Loch Ness monsters, or fiscal Republicans either. But these guys should go ahead and build an institute for finding bigfoot where they can explain the techniques to finding bigfoots, their habits, traits, what kind of food they eat, their mating habits, and why they refuse to sit still for photos…even though none of them has never actually seen a bigfoot. The closest thing this nation’s ever seen to a skunk ape is Donald Trump and that skunky-bleached thing on his head.

They can build the Institute for Finding Bigfoot next to Jared Kushner’s Institute for Peace.

Yes. Jared Kushner, the same Jared Kushner who was appointed by his father-in-law to solve the conflict between Israel and Palestine, is building an institute that will follow his leadership on bringing peace to the Middle East. Has anyone asked people in Israel and Palestine lately, “Are you tired of winning yet?”

With Israel and Hamas attacking each other and rockets landing everywhere, buildings collapsing, and children dying, where’s Jared? I thought Jared fixed this.

Jared recently wrote an op-ed in The Wall Street Journal giving advice to President Biden on how to bring peace to the Middle East, which is confusing because I thought Jared had already done that.

Jared wrote he “set the table” to “unleash the Middle East’s potential, keep America safe, and help the region turn the page on a generation of conflict and instability,” and if Joe Biden was “smart,” his administration would embrace the opportunity created by the Trump administration.

Yeah, if you’re smart, you’ll listen to Jared, who was also put in charge of our immigration crisis at the border, the opioid crisis, justice reform, and he was the liaison to Mexico, China, and the U.S. Muslim community. He was also in charge of the heat lamps keeping all the Big Macs toasty every time a sports team visited the Trump White House.

Donald Trump put Jared in charge of resolving the decades-on-top-of-decades conflict between Israel and the Palestinians. Jared, being a trust-fund baby and real-estate guy who actually sucks at real estate, thought the conflict was merely over real estate…and then helped Israel further its expansion into Palestinian-held areas. He thinks it’s all about real estate and all the real estate belongs to Israel. They also though moving the U.S. embassy to Jerusalem would solve the crisis and be welcomed by the Palestinians.

Donald Trump actually believed Jared was the right man for the job, despite not having any experience with diplomacy or foreign policy, because he’s Jewish…and there has never been anyone Jewish working on peace in the Middle East.

Jared did bring peace between Israel, Bahrain, and the United Arab Emirates Republic, two nations Israel has never been at war with. Jared may as well have negotiated a peace deal between Israel and Iceland. He struck a deal with Saudi Arabia that now allows Israeli planes to fly through Saudi air. He also negotiated personal business bailouts from Qatar which some people may refer to as a “bribe.”

The Israel-Palestinian conflict wasn’t mentioned with the “peace accords” between Israel and nations it’s never been at war with, but Jared did address that issue by saying the problem could be solved if Palestinians could just stop being angry with Israel. My god. He is a genius.

Now, if we put Jared in charge of finding that Houston tiger, he’ll probably come back with a ferret he painted stripes on. We could even put him in charge of finding bigfoot. After all, we’ve already seen him in photos with a bleached skunk ape.

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Stepping Out In Jerusalem


So, what’s the most fashionable brand of designer boots to wear at a bloodshed of your father’s creation?

I’m sorry. That’s not entirely fair. Ivanka was not at a bloodshed of her father’s creation. She was at a party sixty miles away celebrating the cause of it.

Why was our representation at the opening ceremony for the U.S. embassy in Jerusalem Ivanka and Jared? Kim Jong Un sent his sister to the opening ceremony of the Olympics because North Korea is a tyrannical regime run by a family. Is that what we’re becoming? If there’s something significant, the president sends his children as if we’re some banana republic run by a tin-pot dictator. It’s bad enough Steve Mnuchin and an anti-Semitic pastor was there.

While the trust fund babies were celebrating the opening, Gaza was burning. Over 50 Palestinians were killed protesting the relocation of the embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem. Ivanka, Jared, and Mnuchin were indifferent and obtuse to the violence and deaths because of this action. Everybody, smile, wave, and look pretty…except Mnuchin.

The White House blamed the deaths on Hamas, thus endorsing the shooting of protesters as many were taken out by snipers. Israel has an apartheid policy toward Gaza and most experts believe the area will be unlivable in the coming years if it’s not already.

Moving the embassy has taken the United States out of the peace talks in the Middle East. The rest of the world refuses to recognize Jerusalem as Israel’s capital and consider it occupied territory. Moving the embassy has taken us from an honest broker to one who has taken sides.

Trump sycophants are clamoring for him to receive a Nobel Peace Prize for scheduling a meeting with North Korea, yet his decision to move our embassy to Jerusalem has actually cost lives. Donald Trump finally has blood on his hands, proving he’s not just a danger to the United States but to the rest of the world. Trump has not brought peace to the world. He’s only brought more violence. Trump’s policies kill people.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is not a man who wants peace. He campaigned for this move, uncaring about the coming violence knowing it would probably only kill Palestinians. He’s eager for a war between the U.S. and Iran and has done all he can to make it happen. The man is fear mongering and lying about Iran’s ability to create a nuclear weapon while Israel is a nuclear state that has never allowed international inspections.

Jared, who can’t get a security clearance, is in charge of bringing peace to the Middle East. His presence, along with Ivanka’s, is just a display that nepotism reigns in the United States government, not experience or qualifications.

Trump took us out of the Iran Nuclear Treaty, brought death to Gaza, and will not take that Midas touch to negotiations with North Korea. I only have one question.

What will Ivanka wear to a nuclear Armageddon?

Here’s the video.

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