Middle East

GRRRRRRRRReat Peace Negotiator


Do you remember the TV show “Finding Bigfoot?” In case you never saw it, it was about four morons traipsing through the forests of America looking for a creature that doesn’t exist. I didn’t see every episode, but of the few I did see, I never saw them tell a witness that their experience probably wasn’t a bigfoot encounter. Anytime a “witness” told them they heard some rustling in the woods, these “Squatch” experts would always say some shit like, “From my many years of squatching, it sounds like you definitely, positively, indeedly, and absolutely had a bigfoot encounter.” Never mind the fact there are animals in the woods that are known to make noises.

These guys, and one skeptical female, have been “squatchin'” for over three decades which they feel qualifies them as experts at finding bigfoot despite the fact (spoiler alert) they never do find a bigfoot.

The TV show ran on Animal Planet for nine years. Nine freaking years and not one bigfoot. Hell, not even a littlefoot. They never found any mermaids, unicorns, leprechauns, Loch Ness monsters, or fiscal Republicans either. But these guys should go ahead and build an institute for finding bigfoot where they can explain the techniques to finding bigfoots, their habits, traits, what kind of food they eat, their mating habits, and why they refuse to sit still for photos…even though none of them has never actually seen a bigfoot. The closest thing this nation’s ever seen to a skunk ape is Donald Trump and that skunky-bleached thing on his head.

They can build the Institute for Finding Bigfoot next to Jared Kushner’s Institute for Peace.

Yes. Jared Kushner, the same Jared Kushner who was appointed by his father-in-law to solve the conflict between Israel and Palestine, is building an institute that will follow his leadership on bringing peace to the Middle East. Has anyone asked people in Israel and Palestine lately, “Are you tired of winning yet?”

With Israel and Hamas attacking each other and rockets landing everywhere, buildings collapsing, and children dying, where’s Jared? I thought Jared fixed this.

Jared recently wrote an op-ed in The Wall Street Journal giving advice to President Biden on how to bring peace to the Middle East, which is confusing because I thought Jared had already done that.

Jared wrote he “set the table” to “unleash the Middle East’s potential, keep America safe, and help the region turn the page on a generation of conflict and instability,” and if Joe Biden was “smart,” his administration would embrace the opportunity created by the Trump administration.

Yeah, if you’re smart, you’ll listen to Jared, who was also put in charge of our immigration crisis at the border, the opioid crisis, justice reform, and he was the liaison to Mexico, China, and the U.S. Muslim community. He was also in charge of the heat lamps keeping all the Big Macs toasty every time a sports team visited the Trump White House.

Donald Trump put Jared in charge of resolving the decades-on-top-of-decades conflict between Israel and the Palestinians. Jared, being a trust-fund baby and real-estate guy who actually sucks at real estate, thought the conflict was merely over real estate…and then helped Israel further its expansion into Palestinian-held areas. He thinks it’s all about real estate and all the real estate belongs to Israel. They also though moving the U.S. embassy to Jerusalem would solve the crisis and be welcomed by the Palestinians.

Donald Trump actually believed Jared was the right man for the job, despite not having any experience with diplomacy or foreign policy, because he’s Jewish…and there has never been anyone Jewish working on peace in the Middle East.

Jared did bring peace between Israel, Bahrain, and the United Arab Emirates Republic, two nations Israel has never been at war with. Jared may as well have negotiated a peace deal between Israel and Iceland. He struck a deal with Saudi Arabia that now allows Israeli planes to fly through Saudi air. He also negotiated personal business bailouts from Qatar which some people may refer to as a “bribe.”

The Israel-Palestinian conflict wasn’t mentioned with the “peace accords” between Israel and nations it’s never been at war with, but Jared did address that issue by saying the problem could be solved if Palestinians could just stop being angry with Israel. My god. He is a genius.

Now, if we put Jared in charge of finding that Houston tiger, he’ll probably come back with a ferret he painted stripes on. We could even put him in charge of finding bigfoot. After all, we’ve already seen him in photos with a bleached skunk ape.

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Tripping On Nepotism


Do you want to call Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner as witnesses in Donald Trump’s impeachment trial? Why would anyone suggest that when they don’t have anything to do with Donald Trump’s attempt to bribe the president of Ukraine? Exactly. So, why call Hunter Biden? Oh, because there’s nepotism?

Does anyone in the Trump administration know the definition of nepotism? We know they don’t know “hypocrisy” or “irony.” We also know they don’t have a sense of humor. For the Republican readers among us, according to one dictionary, the definition of “nepotism” is, “The practice among those with power or influence of favoring relatives or friends, especially by giving them jobs.”

In case you’re a Donald Trump supporter and it’s still not clicking, here’s another one for you. Surreal: a mix of fact and fantasy.

Joe Biden’s son, Hunter, was hired to serve on a board of a Ukraine gas company called Burisma which was the focus of Trump’s request for that nation’s president to announce an investigation. There is very little doubt that Hunter would not have gotten this position if his father wasn’t vice president at the time. Reportedly, he was paid around $50,000 a month. No one has actually uncovered any crime here though the appearance isn’t good.

Part of Trump’s defense against impeachment is that Joe and Hunter Biden practiced nepotism. Obviously, this is just one of many examples that Trump’s defense is terrible unless they’re trying to impeach Hunter Biden.

Pam Bondi, one of Trump’s defense lawyers, made the case against nepotism, which was as “surreal” as her argument against corruption. Bondi was the Florida Attorney General who dropped an investigation into Trump University after receiving a campaign donation from the Trump Foundation. Paying her off was corrupt, and on top of that, they stole the money from a charity. It was like a corruption sandwich with a huge sour pickle on the side. They like their corruption with a side of corruption.

Talk about being obtuse: The day Pam Bondi was making this argument, Donald Trump was presenting a photo-op disguised as a Middle East peace plan drafted by…wait for it…Jared Kushner. In case you’re slow (a Republican), Jared is Trump’s son-in-law.

What experience does Jared have as a diplomat? None. In fact, the guy couldn’t even get a security clearance because of his financial entanglements and lies on the application, so Ivanka’s daddy overruled the FBI in handing him one. It’s the same case with Ivanka.

Last year, Jared went to Congress, and in a private meeting, he laid out an immigration plan he drafted. Republicans who were there were astonished at how ignorant he was on his own plan. And, he had it written out right in front of him. I’m sure, even with notes, Donald Trump couldn’t tell you the basics of Jared’s Mideast peace plan, and neither could Jared. But that’s OK because he’s family. When you only have your job because you’re family, you don’t have to be good at it.

Usually, when you hire a family member who’s not qualified for the job, you find something for them to do they can’t bungle, like somewhere in the copy room. Hopefully, changing toner won’t be too complicated and they don’t injure themselves with a stapler. What you don’t do is assign them the tasks of solving peace in the Middle East and immigration.

Another thing you don’t do after hiring your daughter and son-in-law for positions they’re not qualified for while your other two kids are raking in millions from foreign deals is…complain about nepotism.

When it comes to nepotism, Hunter Biden is a slacker. If Hunter made $50,000 a month from Burisma, then he made around $3 million during his time on the board. Ivanka and Jared made $135 million last year while working in the White House. Nepotism Barbie’s shares from the Trump Hotel in Washington, where every foreign diplomat books a room even when they’re not staying there, amounted to $4 million.

But wait. The hypocrisy doesn’t just stop there. Trump’s goon, Rudy Giuliani, who went to Ukraine to dredge up conspiracy theories on the Bidens, also has a son, Andrew. Where does that offspring work? Oh, he works in…wait for it…THE FREAKING WHITE HOUSE! What does Rudy’s son do? His official title is “Special Assistant to the President and Associate Director of the Office of Public Liaison.” That means he talks to people in the sports community. For that position, he’s paid $95,000 a year. As far as I can tell, Andrew’s only experience is being kicked off Duke University’s golf team and being a sales intern. While John Kelly was Chief-of-Staff, he revoked Andrew’s clearance to even enter the West Wing, which Mick Mulvaney, the now acting-Chief-of-Staff, has restored.

This White House could have found someone more qualified than Andrew Giuliani based upon their experience playing Madden NFL.

Granted, while Andrew, Ivanka, and Jared don’t have any qualifications or experience for their positions in the White House, neither does Donald Trump. He is so unqualified that he thinks it’s OK to hire family who isn’t qualified. This is how the Trump Organization is run.  Donald Trump promised to operate the government like his corrupt business and he kept that promise. He even hired corrupt people to argue against corruption.

Donald Trump has complained about people who have assaulted women. He’s complained about leakers. He’s complained about lying. He’s complained about people being careless with classified information. He’s even made fun of other people’s hair and weight. So, why shouldn’t he go after corruption and nepotism while practicing corruption and nepotism?

Quite frankly, I’m waiting for Donald Trump to argue that his nepotism is OK because he keeps it in the family.

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New Book: Tales From The Trumpster Fire

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Classified Pain In The Butt


I want to play poker with Donald Trump. The man does not have a poker face. He has a Cheeto face, but not a poker face. If you ask him if he wants to call your raise he’d tell you that he doesn’t have a full house.

There’s been a lot of talk in the news how Russian spies can hoodwink Americans to become moles without their ever knowing it. I would be very skeptical of that if we weren’t talking about the sort of people Trump hires, and even Trump himself (who has hired a lawyer to defend him from impeachment and charges of colluding with Russians…who has worked for Russians). Have you seen an interview with Carter Page? That guy couldn’t pick a number between one and three. The Russian spies even described Page as an idiot while they were attempting to recruit him, which is what made him a juicy target.

When news broke that Trump gave highly classified information to the Russians there was speculation that the intel was provided to the United States from Israel. There was concern the Russians could figure that out, and even who the agents are gathering the intelligence. It was never reported that Trump told them it came from Israel.

So naturally while in Israel Trump told the entire world that the intel came from the Israelis. He wasn’t even asked when he told the press that he never mentioned Israel to the Russians. Israeli prime minister Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu has found himself in the same position as Republicans. He has to smile and support a man to get what he wants while trying to ignore the fact that the man is an idiot.

While on his tour of the Middle East and Europe, foreign leaders and diplomats have been coached to flatter Trump. They’re to compare him favorably to Obama and compliment him on his electoral victory. The man is a pushover.

Donald Trump isn’t just simple-minded enough to manipulate, for our friends and foes alike. He’s not just dangerously insecure and intellectually ill-equipped to do his job. He can’t keep his mouth shut. Along with those high negatives, Trump puts his ego over national security.

Donald Trump is a national security risk and it’s time for America to fold this hand and move on. He’s a pain in the ass. Just ask Bibi.

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Radical Nut Job


Before he was elected president with fewer votes than his female Democratic party opponent, Donald Trump loved to toss around the term “radical Islamic terrorism.” Now that he’s president and visiting Saudi Arabia where the kingdom is praising his narcissism, surrounding him with bright and shiny objects, and they’re all dancing with swords, he’s found substitutes for the term.

Trump criticized Hillary Clinton and President Obama for avoiding the phrase. It takes a complex mind to understand that using that phrasing is describing an entire religion as “radical.” Often times in the past Trump was even blunter by saying “Islam hates us.”

During Trump’s current tour of the Middle East (where he said he just arrived from, while he was in Israel) and during his speech to over 50 leaders from Muslim nations, he used the term “Islamist,” which is accepted as characteristic of the fanatical extremists and violent fringes, such as the Islamic State and al-Qaeda. Referring to a religion as “radical” isn’t friendly, nice, or used by someone who understands complexities. When you put “Islam” before “terrorists,” it’s insulting an entire religion. You never hear conservatives or Republicans refer to a white guy who shoots up a black church or an abortion clinic as a “radical Christian.”

I’m sure conservatives, such as Ted Cruz, who bashed Clinton and Obama for avoiding the phrase will give Trump a pass for doing the same. Now if we can just get these simple minds to understand the difference between “illegal immigrants” and “undocumented workers.”

Trump does enjoy insulting people. He once slammed Morning Joe co-host Mika Brzezinski as “Dumb Mika,” and George Will as “Stupid George Will.” His most famous school-yard bullying insults were “Lyin’ Ted” for Ted Cruz (which is hard to argue with) and “Crooked Hillary” for Hillary Clinton.

The final 6:00 PM breaking news from last week was last Friday when it was reported that Trump called former FBI director Jim Comey a “nut job.” Am I the only one who believes Trump is projecting? He once called Hillary Clinton “Putin’s puppet” and made fun of Rand Paul’s hair.

When Trump insulted Comey he was talking to the Russians in the Oval Office. He was informing them that he was working diligently to cover up their investment in him. It is kinda bizarre that the man who hired the likes of Michael “Lock Her Up” Flynn, and Kellyanne “Microwaves Are Bugging Us” Conway would refer to the director of the FBI as a “nut job.”

No, Mr. President. “Nut jobs” are those people who voted for you and believe all this “Russia stuff” is fake news.

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Freedom, Fear And Hummus


I’m exhausted. I’m tired of the militant gun crowd screaming for more guns. I’m tired of Republicans who believe it’s OK to sell guns to people they put on the no-fly list. Mostly I’m tired of bigotry and the support it’s gaining.

Obama issued a rare Oval Office address Sunday night in attempt to beef up confidence in his handling of ISIS. He also appealed for the public to be rational toward those of the Islamic faith.

While the public has very little faith in the president’s handling of terrorism, the Republican candidates are scaring the Hell out of those who are more pragmatic.

The GOP candidates aren’t just selling fear. They’re selling hate, bigotry and outright racism. Most of them are calling for the rejection of Syrian refugees entering the country (though there hasn’t been any acts of terrorism by anyone who entered the country through the refugee process). Trump says we should kill the terrorists’ families and put mosques under surveillance. Ted Cruz wants to strip citizenship of suspected terrorists and responded to the latest mass shooting by holding a rally at a gun range. Even the most mainstream of the candidates, Jeb Bush, says we should only accept Christian refugees. Worst of all, they’re selling the fear that you’re not safe unless you own a semi-automatic weapon and carry it with you at all times.

The candidates bigotry wouldn’t be so alarming if it wasn’t gaining so much support. That’s what I’m tired of. I’m tired of people blaming Muslims and trying to smear the entire faith as violent. I’m tired of people who are only concerned with Muslim killers, but not white killers, or Christian killers.

In other news, many of the Republican candidates spoke to the Jewish Coalition. Of course they pandered. Every candidate, Republican and Democrat pander to whatever group they’re speaking to at the time. But some of these guys really got into the stereotypes. Jim Gilmore (yes, he’s still in the race) said he’s seen Schindler’s List. Jeb Bush informed the crowd that he knows what Hannukah is. Ted Cruz said a vote for Hillary is a vote for the Ayatollah to nuke Israel. John Kasich said if you want a good friend, find one who’s Jewish. Rick Santorum mentioned he worked with a Jew in the Senate. Donald Trump told them he knows how much they like their money and how good of negotiators they are. I’m shocked none of the candidates referred to Obama as a schlemiel.

The funniest part was Ben Carson who seemed to be reading directly from a Wikipedia entry. In referencing Hamas, Ben Carson pronounced it “hummus.” Apparently the good doctor has never had a conversation in his life about the Middle East and heard the proper pronunciation. Let’s just hope he never orders an appetizer of Hamas with flat bread.

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