Slippery When Stupid

Gerald Ford was a clumsy president. And I’m not talking with policy though that Nixon pardon was a huge mess, but Ford literally fell down the steps of Air Force One. He had a bum knee from playing college football and maybe the steps were wet. Shit happens, right? But he also fell UP the steps of Air Force One. That’s clumsy. And as clumsy as Ford was, I can’t find any quotes from the guy lying about it.

The only reason Donald Trump hasn’t literally fallen down since he became president (sic) is that he has low energy. He walks slow. He takes baby steps. He avoids stairs and rain. He even holds cups with both hands. He does all this because he has a fear the “fake news” will catch it and broadcast it on TV. OK, but if “fake news” shows him falling down after he falls down, how is the news fake?

The day before Donald Trump turned 74, the oldest a president (sic) has ever been in his first term, he spoke to cadets at the U.S. Military Academy at West Point.

First, he spoke with very little energy and without any enthusiasm. It was like he was reading the phonebook and every name was Johnson. Maybe it was an Adderall crash. At one point during his speech, he picked up a glass of water for a sip with his right hand. As he raised it to his mouth, he started trembling like he couldn’t raise it any higher. He then used his left hand to help push it up. This is not the first time we’ve seen this. Can somebody get the president (sic) a straw? Maybe we can give him one that loops around all silly, like a rollercoaster. Whee.

After his speech, he had to exit using a ramp. Donald Trump took baby steps while walking down the ramp. He walked down the ramp as if he had an invisible walker. He did kinda jog for the last three steps, probably because of momentum and the fact he’s a really big guy. He is the largest president (sic) since President Taft (But you won dumbest, Tubby. Go you).

If the ramp was wet, you’d think, so what? Who hasn’t slipped on a step in the past? Even sober people fall down. But Donald Trump, who has to present an image of a perfect human being without any flaws, was so sensitive about it that he issued a tweet. Shocking.

Trump tweeted, “The ramp that I descended after my West Point Commencement speech was very long & steep, had no handrail and, most importantly, was very slippery. The last thing I was going to do is ‘fall’ for the Fake News to have fun with. Final ten feet I ran down to level ground. Momentum!” Yeah, buddy. Roll a barrel down a hill and see how fast it goes. It doesn’t mean the barrel is healthy or not a racist.

Donald Trump, who has literally lied about the weather in the past, lied about the weather in his tweet. The skies were blue so how was the “very long & steep” ramp slippery? Did some evil snickering Democrat lace it with banana peels? Maybe William Barr should investigate President Obama for that. Fortunately, for Donald Trump, his supporters would rather believe his bullshit than their eyes.

One theory that’s been proposed is the reason he had to walk gingerly is that he was wearing lifts. You know, high heels. He has to make everyone believe he’s 6 foot 3 and at least as tall as President Obama. If he had balance, he’d be walking around on stilts.

The reason this is an actual issue isn’t because it’s funny and we want to mock him. Would you laugh if Donald Trump faceplanted on live television? Shame on you. But the actually concern is for his health because….ugh…Donald Trump is the president (sic) of the United States of America. There have been lingering questions about his health even before he was fraudulently elected by Russians.

In 2015, on his way to stealing an election, his personal doctor released a statement saying, “If elected, Mr. Trump, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.” Of course, that doesn’t sound like anything an actual physician would write and as it turned out, Trump dictated it. Shocking.

Trump has been wobbly in the past. In 2017 at the White House, he clutched UK Prime Minsters Theresa May’s hand so he wouldn’t fall down while climbing a few steps. This is a guy who looks like he’s having trouble just by standing. In England, he had difficulty walking in coordination with the 94-year-old Queen Elizabeth, but everyone was mostly relieved he didn’t fall and crush her.

Last November, Donald Trump had a sudden trip to Walter Reed Medical Center that wasn’t on his schedule. The White House only explained it as getting a jump start on his annual physical. Most doctors don’t do physicals in installments. There is something wrong there.

After his first physical as president (sic), the White House doctor said some incredible bullshit about Trump’s health like he could live to be over 200-years old. Seriously. When Nazis start living to 200, we’re fucked.

During the 2016 campaign, Donald Trump kept questioning the health of Hillary Clinton, especially after she caught pneumonia and needed help getting into a car after nearly falling down. The National Enquirer, who was supporting Trump, posted on their cover so every checkout counter in the country displayed it, that Clinton only had six months to live. She’s still here. His surrogates, including Russian hackers, questioned her physical and mental health.

Further proof Donald Trump has a medical condition is that he projects. If he questions Hillary Clinton’s health, then his health must be pretty bad. If anything, Hillary Clinton has shown remarkable stamina while Donald Trump has to park his golf cart right next to where his ball landed (or next to the ball he plans to steal), even on the green.

If Donald Trump questions Joe Biden’s mental health, then Donald Trump must have some seriously broken toys in his attic. There’s a very sad Jack-in-the-box up there with a broken spring. And duh, look at the guy’s tweets and the shit that comes out of his mouth. He’s a raving lunatic who has never heard of karma.

I don’t wish ill will on Trump in regards to his health. I want the health of his presidency (sic) to die a quick death. I don’t care if it’s painless or not. Just go. As for his physical and mental health, I don’t want anything bad to happen to him. I have heard of karma. But Donald Trump has made this nation sick and if he’s reelected, the United States of America could die.

Is it funny when this president (sic) has trouble drinking water or walking? Only because he thinks it’s funny when others have issues. Donald Trump is a jerk. Will he think it’s funny when he kills our democracy? Republicans seem to be enjoying it.

So if you don’t like Donald Trump and what he’s doing to this nation, laugh away. Because this nation will never get its health back as long as Donald Trump is president…Sick.

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