Election 2020

Trumptober Surprise


cjones10192020

Political prognosticators, you know…geeks, are always on the lookout during every presidential election for the October surprise. Basically, the idea is that one campaign has some real juicy dirt they’re holding close to their vest that they’re planning to release in mid to late October very close to the election. And when they release it, they’re all like, “Gotcha, motherfucker!!! Nobody’s gonna vote for you now, you sick bastard!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!” And sometimes, it actually works out that way.

Sometimes, the so-called October surprise comes from news outlets, though they rarely hold onto something for timing. Usually, a news outlet releases news when they have it and they feel their reporting is as complete as it’s going to get. In October 2016, The New York Times released a story that Donald Trump hadn’t paid taxes in 18 years. How effective was that story? Well, Trump won. Illegally, but he still won.

October surprises go way back and are often deliberate. In October 1840, President Martin Van Buren had prosecutors, members of his own party, charge Whigs (remember those guys?) for paying Pennsylvanians to travel to New York and fraudulently vote multiple times in the state’s 1838 elections (which is what Trump tells his people to do now). They timed the charges for mid-October and even though the Whigs were guilty, the public felt it was a dirty trick by the Democrats and they ousted Van Buren.

In October 1880, The New York Times published a letter supposedly written by the Republican nominee, James Garfield, where he endorsed Chinese immigration and employers buying their labor. As it turned out, he didn’t write the letter but it nearly cost him the election.

In October 1920 (This one’s good), Democrats released information that Warren Harding had “Negro” blood and Republicans released information that as Assistant Secretary of the Navy, Franklin D. Roosevelt (who was the veep nominee) authorized an investigation into homosexuality in the Navy and in order for investigators to find out if it was true (this is where it gets good), for them to engage in homosexual acts (that probably wasn’t dancing to “In The Navy”). The accusations were that FDR had allowed 83 seamen (get it? Semen? I’m a Beavis) convicted of “unnatural acts” to return to duty. Harding won. Apparently in 1920, homophobia might have been slightly stronger than racism.

In 1964, an FBI agent leaked to the GOP they were investigating an aide to Lyndon Johnson for visiting a Washington YMCA where he was engaging in gay behavior (man, this country has a long history of hating gays). During the investigation, the FBI even set up peepholes which sounds less like investigating and closer to participating. The aide was arrested for doing “gay stuff.” But, there were other October surprises. China tested their first atomic bomb and the Soviets ousted Premier Nikita Khrushchev. With such international concerns, the public decided to stay the course with Johnson as Goldwater was scarier than gay bath houses.

In October 1968, LBJ, trying to help Hubert Humphrey, announced an end to bombings in Vietnam and the start of peace talks. Richard Nixon, who truly was a Tricky Dick, contacted the South Vietnamese through back channels and convinced them not to participate in any peace talks until he was president. Three days before the election, South Vietnam announced they were withdrawing from the peace talks. Nixon won. Another interesting part of this is that LBJ heard of this and had the RBI wiretap the Nixon campaign. Donald Trump claims Obama spied on his campaign, which is bullshit, but LBJ literally spied on the Nixon campaign.

In October 1972, Nixon still hadn’t ended the Vietnam war and there were no peace talks. But, he had Henry Kissinger rush from Paris (where talks were supposed to be held) to Washington where he conducted a huge press conference, days before the election, and announced “peace is at hand” despite there not being any actual peace talks at the time. Peace was nowhere near “at hand” and the war lasted two and a half more years. Tricky Dick won.

In October 1980, Iran announced they were not releasing U.S. hostage until after the election. Jimmy Carter lost after refusing an October surprise of rescuing the hostages after an earlier attempt failed. Iran released the hostages literally while Ronald Reagan was being sworn in. To this day, there are still accusations the Reagan campaign somehow convinced Iran to delay releasing the hostages though no evidence has ever turned up. But still, it’s fishy as hell. Republicans framed it as Iran being so afraid of Reagan, they released the hostages right as he became president. The truth of the matter and what was truly obvious: Iran really just wanted to fuck Jimmy Carter. Afraid of Reagan? My ass! They became illegal arms customers of his.

In October 1992, four days before the election between President George H. W. Bush, Ross Perot, and Bill Clinton, the Independent Prosecutor indicted former Reagan Defense Secretary Caspar Weinberger for lying about his involvement in the Iran-Contra scandal. I doubt it had any effect, but Clinton won. The lousy economy and “no new taxes” is probably what killed Bush’s reelection.

In October 2000, Fox News (really?) released information days before the election that George W. Bush had been arrested in Maine for drunk driving way back in 1976. Karl Rove believes it cost Bush five states (it didn’t), the popular vote, and gave us the entire hanging chad Florida scandal which put the election into the hands of the Supreme Court.

In October 2004, Osama bin Laden released a new video telling us how much he hated George W. Bush which truly helped Bush win his reelection against John Kerry. It also helped that he was running against John Kerry. This sort of thing can’t happen for Donald Trump because the truly slimy people of the world are people he hugs.

In October 2008, the stock market’s fall accelerated and unemployment reached a 14-year high. The GOP held the White House and their candidate, John McCain, stumbled by not being able to recall how many houses he owned. Seriously. It also didn’t help John McCain that he was running against Barack Obama.

In 2012, a secretly-recorded tape of GOP nominee Mitt Romney talking to big money fat cats at a private event was released. In it, Romney chastised half of the nation by saying, “There are 47 percent of the people who will vote for the president no matter what. All right, there are 47 percent who are with him, who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has responsibility to care for them.” After the election, even Romney admitted it sank any hope he had of winning. He told an interviewer, “There’s no question that hurt and did real damage to my campaign.” It also hurt that he was running against Barack Obama.

Rolling Stone (the magazine, not the band), claims the 2016 election had over two dozen October surprises. There were Trump’s taxes, the revelation he lost $916 million in 1995, New York state shut down his illegal charity, the Hollywood Access tape came out (“grab them by the pussy”), reports that Trump would barge into teenage beauty contestants’ dressing rooms to ogle them while they were naked, more allegations of Trump’s groping, release of a tape of Trump saying about a pre-teen, “I am going to be dating her in 10 years,” another tape of Trump telling a group of 14-year-old girls, “Just think, in a couple of years I’ll be dating you,” revelations of a direct communication link between the Trump campaign and the largest private Russian bank, more allegations of Trump’s groping, news the FBI was investigating a tip that Russia had been cultivating Trump for the presidency for years, and then a bunch of more accusations of Trump’s groping.

But what also came out was FBI Directory James Comey telling the public he was investigating Hillary Clinton’s emails, emails that belonged to Anthony Weiner, then conducting a second press conference saying there wouldn’t be any charges against Clinton. After being gaslighted by the Far Right for over two decades, all the public needed to hear was the FBI director say “Hillary” and “investigation” in the same sentence. Thank you, James motherfucker Comey. Basically, the gaslighting of Hillary Clinton outweighed the creepiness of a racist old conman who steals from charities telling pre-teens he’ll be dating them in the future. This country is fucked up.

This October, Donald Trump keeps going for the October surprise and he keeps failing. This week, The New York Post published a story about Hunter Biden’s emails between him and Ukraine. Of course, The New York Post is a shit tabloid so it’s nothing.

Donald Trump was hoping a huge reveal would come out from his corrupt Justice Department about Obama and Biden unmasking Michael Flynn during an FBI investigation. Trump, senators like Rand Paul, congressmen like Jim Jordan, and Fox News fucknuts have been telling us this is “treason.” This week, the Justice Department’s politically-motivated investigation into its own investigation landed with such a thud, that they didn’t even bother with a public report.

Now, Trump is getting desperate. His latest October surprise is that the raid Obama authorized that killed bin Laden didn’t kill bin Laden. No, it killed a body double. Donald Trump retweeted a conspiracy theory by Qanon despite saying last night at his train wreck of a town hall, that he doesn’t know anything about Qanon.

We have about 20 days until the election. Expect more “surprises,” especially as Trump’s polls get worse and he becomes more desperate. I expect them to resemble this cartoon.

If you think we’ve seen insane Trump now, wait until we get even closer to November 3. And for full-on crazy Trump, wait until after he loses.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first. But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

Hot Drop Box


cjones10182020

The Republicans are cheating again. What do you mean you’re not surprised? There are two things Republicans do very well. Cheat and accuse others of cheating.

Donald Trump screams that Ukraine helped Hillary Clinton in 2016 while the undisputed fact is he was helped greatly by Russia. I don’t believe Donald Trump would be president (sic) today if Russia didn’t meddle into our election. Donald Trump has even claimed Russia favored Clinton in that election. That’s like claiming she’s the one who keeps sending Quarter Pounders to the White House.

During the 2020 election, Republicans are wailing about China and Iran helping Joe Biden, which they may be doing to some degree, while ignoring that the greatest meddler is once again Russia…in favor of Donald Trump. The Attorney General, William Barr, even went on CNN and without any proof, said China is the greater threat in this election. But then again, William Barr is Donald Trump’s personal butt poodle.

Here’s a lesson in Voting 101, kids: Don’t vote for the candidate endorsed by Russia. It’s a simple voting primer that a lot of people don’t seem to understand…or care about.

Republicans also claim Democrats are tampering with ballots. Every time some Democratic operative gets caught messing with ballot applications, they ignore the word “application” and they ignore North Carolina. What happened in North Carolina? Eight people were indicted on charges related to tampering with ballots, not applications, to help a Republican in the 2018 midterm congressional elections.

These Republicans complaining about voter fraud are the same people who warn us about gay culture while also drilling glory holes in men’s rooms at airports and truck stops.

After the 2016 election, in which Donald Trump was a sore winner, he claimed millions of people voted illegally without any proof. He created an election commission to investigate this alleged voter fraud that was really a project to collect voter data, possibly to harass or discover whom to invalidate in the future. The commission demanded every state to turn over all its voter information, such as addresses for every voter in the nation. The commission was quietly disbanded after being unable to find any evidence that millions had voted illegally. All they left behind were offices with men’s rooms full of glory holes.

During the 2018 election, Republicans worked to invalidate college voters in Texas, Native American voters in North Dakota, and black voters in Georgia. In Georgia, the Republican running for governor was the same guy responsible for operating a safe and fair election. What did he do? He removed thousands of black voters from the voter rolls. Guess what happened next. He won the election. Surprise! Who woulda seen that coming?

I’m surprised I haven’t heard the Republicans argue they wouldn’t have to engage in so much voter suppression if all these minorities wouldn’t keep trying to vote.

President Barack Obama pointed out yesterday that even the far right in Europe doesn’t work to suppress the vote. We are the only Democratic nation that discourages voting. Seriously. Keep in mind, voting is your constitutional right. No party or elected official should be able to take away that right.

In Florida, a state run by Republicans, ruled that felons can’t restore their constitutional right to vote until they’ve paid off their fines. Enter Democratic billionaire Michael Bloomberg who is paying off thousands of these fines. Republicans are now accusing him of buying the votes while ignoring that they literally enacted a poll tax.

As we head to this election, Trump and Republicans are doing all they can to suppress the vote. And if they can’t suppress it, they’re planting seeds of doubt.

They rail against mail-in ballots except in states where Republicans control the election (like Florida). Seriously. Donald Trump has said if he doesn’t win, then the election was corrupt. Republicans are fighting in state courts across the nation trying to invalidate any ballots that arrive after election day, even if they’re postmarked on election day. How can you tell Republicans were in court? The court’s men’s rooms are full of glory holes.

Personally, I think if our tax filings can arrive after the due date as long as they’re postmarked by it, then we can do the same with our ballots.

Donald Trump has even planted a goon to run the post office in efforts to tamper with mail-in ballots.

We’re worried the United States Postal Service can’t deliver fewer than 138 million ballots between now and the election, while they deliver nearly 900 million packages between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Donald Trump has been so successful at planting seeds of doubts, that even liberals are afraid to put a stamp on their ballot and stick it in the mail. I applied for a mail-in ballot and even after I received it, I took it to an official drop box at the registrar’s office just because I got paranoid that Donald Trump was fucking with the mail. And I live in a blue state.

I’m really glad I used an official drop box for my ballot. At least I think I did. It was in front of the registrar’s office and not in front of a gun store.

Yeah, in California, one party has set up phony drop boxes to fuck with voters. I’ll give you a hint in which party is doing this chicanery in that the party doing it is not the Democratic Party. Some of these are in locations like gun stores, gas stations, churches, and even GOP offices. Some of these are marked as “official” state drop boxes when they’re not. They’re also not complying with state-required security features.

The thing is, in California, ballot harvesting is legal. What’s ballot harvesting? It’s what the Republican fuckers in North Carolina was doing. It’s where you grab a bunch of ballots and you turn them in. It’s something Republicans complain about while doing. And in case you’re a Republican, I’ll explain it to you more simply. It’s like a glory hole harvesting penises, but with ballots.

The Republican Party says it’s on the up-and-up yet they won’t say how many of these ballot boxes there are or how many. Also, the state has sent them a cease-and-desist letter and they’ve replied, “no.” They will not cease. They will not desist. They will continue to harvest ballots while complaining about harvesting ballots.

Once again, Republicans are lying hypocritical cheating fuckers.

And in Texas, they’re reducing the number of ballot drop boxes to one per county, no matter how large the county is. So, in California, Republicans are creating more drop boxes (all unofficial) to confuse people and in Texas, they’re reducing the number of “official” drop boxes to confuse people.

To sum up, let’s go over a few tips:

  1. Don’t vote for the candidate endorsed by Russians. 2. Don’t drop your ballot off at a gas station. If you’re not going to trust the sushi, don’t trust Gomer and Goober with your ballot. 3. Vote in person or drop your ballot off AT the registrar’s office because of number 4 which is… 4. Don’t trust Republicans. 5. If there’s a hole in your bathroom stall…run.

Republicans can’t win this election fairly. They know this because they didn’t win the last one fairly. Republicans cheat, lie, and steal. And if we allow it, they’ll steal this election.

Don’t let them steal your vote. Don’t let them steal this election. Don’t let them steal our White House which, by now…is probably full of glory holes.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first. But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

Pence Fly


cjones10122020

If you heard a little tiny high pitched voice during last night’s debate saying, “Help me,” it wasn’t the fly. It was Republican senators going down with this administration. Thom Tillis, Lindsey Graham, Joni Ernst, and Martha McSally, who was never elected in the first place, are all buzzing around Mike Pence’s head saying, “Help me.”

I paid close attention to the debate last night. Kamala Harris was expected to prosecute the Trump administration. Mike Pence was expected to deflect, lie, and be condescending and wormy. And though I tried to pay attention, I lost all focus for two plus minutes of the debate. Why was I distracted for over two minutes? Because that’s how long a fly was attached to Mike Pence’s white head.

I was mesmerized. When is the fly going to fly away? Will it leave? Is it stuck to whatever component Pence uses to fossilize his hair? What the fuck is going on with the fly and Mike Pence’s hair! AAAAAAGGGHHHHHH! FLY!!!!

Finally it left, but before it did, it had its own Twitter account. The internet lit up over the fly. If you run outside right now and ask someone for their first impression of last night’s debate, they’ll mention the fly. My readers on Facebook were demanding I draw a fly cartoon. At first, I thought, “Nah. This is an internet thing and that doesn’t always translate to the rest of the world….holy shit. Everybody’s talking about it.”

As soon as the debate was over, on MSNBC, Rachel Maddow, Joy Reid, and Nicole Wallace talked about the fly. When Brian Williams came in, he talked about the fly. On CNN, Anderson Cooper, Chris Cuomo, and Don Lemon were talking about the fly. Over on Fox News, they were talking about the best pumpkin spice recipes for a brisk Autumn afternoon.

Before going to bed around 1:00 A.M, I knew I had to draw a fly cartoon. It’s funny that before the debate, I was wondering what would come out of it for me to draw. I never expected it to be a fly on a Trump goon’s head.

As they say, flies are attracted to shit. And whenever you defend Donald Trump and the “accomplishments” of his administration, you’re talking shit.

And just as he ignored the fly, Mike Pence ignored reality. Mike Pence told Senator Harris, “you’re entitled to your own opinions but you’re not entitled to your own facts.” He said this twice ignoring the FACT he is the main butt poodle for a man who has told over 20,000 lies.

Just like he tried to pretend the fly wasn’t there, Mike Pence, the evangelical, pretends he’s not goon number one for Mr. Grab Them By The Pussy.

Just as he ignored the fly, Mike Pence ignores the fact the Trump administration throws children into baby cages.

Just like he paid no attention to the fly, Mike Pence pays no attention to the fact over 210,000 people have died from the coronavirus.

As he ignored the fly, Mike Pence, head of the Coronavirus Task Force, ignores safety protocols. The woman he sleeps with whom he calls “Mother,” ignored safety protocols and the debate rules last night by coming onto the stage without a face mask.

Just like he ignored the fly, Mike Pence ignored the rules of the debate, talking over his time limit, talking over the moderator, Susan Page, and talking over his opponent, Senator Kamala Harris.

Just like he ignored the fly, he ignored all respect toward Senator Harris and Ms. Page. He ignored respect for the American people, using them as if criticizing the Trump administration’s failure over containing the Trump Virus is somehow attacking the American public.

Fortunately for Mike Pence, Senator Harris and Ms. Page also ignored the fly on his white head. They also ignored the cold sore around his mouth. Herpes much? Mother should have kept her mask on. They ignored the pink eye. Mother should have worn goggles. Quite frankly, someone should have taken his pulse. The guy looked like death and flies were literally landing on him. Can zombies speak other than saying, “Brains”? Except for this zombie, he ain’t got any.

A CNN poll said Kamala Harris won the debate, 69% to Pence’s 39%. Personally, I think the fly came in second. The worm came in a distant third.

Mike Pence is a coward. Mike Pence is a worm. And just like all members, supporters, and cultists of this administration, he’s full of shit. And that’s why flies are attracted to him.

Bzzzzz.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first. But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

Coach Rudy


cjones10052020

In an attempt to lower expectations for Donald Trump’s debate performance, the White House and Trump Campaign told us beforehand he wasn’t really practicing. Donald Trump himself told us that answering questions from reporters was his practice. And sure, he’s done plenty of shouting, interrupting, and lying to reporters, so maybe it was like that a little. But I don’t think you can lower the bar enough for Trump.

The bar is already low for Trump. When he gives a speech and says something that’s not entirely idiotic racist, and manages not to shit himself, pundits express what a wonderful speech it was. How eloquent. How presidential. But if another politician had given that same speech, they’d wonder if the speaker had received a brain transplant from an illiterate cow.

Of course the campaign lied to us because Donald Trump did prepare. It’s understandable they’d lie to us on this point because most campaigns do that with preparation. They have to lower the bar. They totally expected Donald Trump to lose the debate to Joe Biden, even though they issued a statement that Trump won and clobbered the former vice president…hours before the debate.

Usually when a candidate prepares for a debate, especially a presidential debate on a national stage, they get someone to play their opponent. Usually the person playing this role is someone who’s run for office before and has debate experience.

Donald Trump went through the entire Republicans field in 2016 with over 20 debates. He debated Hillary Clinton more than once. And…he still doesn’t have any debate experience. He has bullying and shouting experience.

And his coaches for his first debate? The lovable cuddly duo of Chris Christie and Rudy Giuliani.

Chris Christie is a bully. He’s bullied opponents, reporters, and even his constituents. As governor of New Jersey, he would mock and ridicule voters for asking him questions. He would insult them. But maybe they expect that in New Jersey.

Rudy Giuliani is a lunatic. Rudy has spent the entire Trump administration pushing conspiracy theories, mostly those about Hunter Biden in Ukraine…which Trump used during the debate. He was the chief defender on Fox News and Hannity during the impeachment saga. He’s the idiot who revealed there was a payout to porn stars and playmates and even used the word “funneled” when he described it being paid through a secret corporation…as if that is normal.

Rudy would go on CNN and tell Chris Cuomo he didn’t ask Ukraine to look into Joe Biden before saying he asked Ukraine to look into Joe Biden. He would have very public meltdowns on national television.

Anytime someone, like Michael Cohen, would make accusations about Trump, it was Giuliani who would take to the air to not just defend Trump, but spread conspiracy theories about the accuser, like Cohen’s father being involved in organized crime and that he was a Ukrainian mobster.

Rudy also butt-dialed reporters who could then hear him talking about his schemes with his goons…two of whom, Lev and Igor, were arrested. Rudy argued there’s nothing wrong with taking election help from Russians. Rudy said, “Truth isn’t truth.”

At one point, the White House talked about reeling Giuliani in because he wasn’t doing Donald Trump any favors.

Whoever thought it was a great idea to have Christie and Giuliani coach Trump is an idiot. So, obviously it was Donald Trump’s idea.

Trump’s performance was so bad that the debate commission is changing the rules of the debates and…one of the coaches admitted it was bad.

Chris Christie described it as “too hot.” With him being on Trump’s side, “too hot” translates to “holy fucking shit we’re going down in flames.” This is like being on a plane and you see your pilot casually jumping out wearing a parachute.

A White House aide said it was so bad, that maybe eventually Donald Trump will realize it too.

Personally, I don’t need to see another debate of this mess and I hope there isn’t one. As it stands now, there are two more scheduled, not counting the veep debate. I don’t see us having two more Trump/Biden debates. How much more damage is the Trump Campaign willing to inflict upon itself?

Donald Trump has only gotten less stable since 2016. He’s a lunatic. Quite frankly, I’m surprised he wore pants.

Rudy Giuliani once said Trump is owed an apology for the Russia investigation. I wonder if Rudy will demand an apology from America for voting Donald Trump out of office.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first. But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

Law And Order President


cjones10042020

During the Republican Convention, which was just a few weeks ago, they spent every night bringing out every single black person who’s ever had a nice thing to say about Donald Trump, like people he’s paid, to tell us he’s not a racist. Then during the very first debate, Donald Trump told us he’s a racist.

When people tell you who they are, believe them. It doesn’t matter how many black friends a person has for a photo-op when afterward, they tell a violent white supremacist group to stand by. Seriously, if Donald Trump is not a racist, then how can he dish out orders to hate groups? Order that they obey? Orders that inspire them create new logos?

Today, the Trump cult and Trump surrogates are telling us he condemned a hate group when he told them to “stand back.” But they’re not finishing the sentence.

Senator Tim Scott, a black Republican, said he believes Donald Trump “misspoke.” How much shit is Tim Scott willing to stand in? Has Trump been misspeaking for years? The leader of your party is a racist. Denial is not a racist river in Egypt. This is the toll for riding down that racist river. This is the toll to be a black Republican. You have to party with Nazis.

House GOP leader Kevin McCarthy attempted to cover up for Trump and said he did condemn and disavow the hate group, despite the fact he did not. McCarthy is a great example of today’s cult that used to be the Republican Party. They have to lie when defending Trump and they have to be comfortable with racism.

Donald Trump encouraged a hate group. He told them to “stand by.” In case you don’t believe me that he encouraged the hate group, then believe the hate group. Within minutes, literally, the hate group addressed, Proud Boys, posted on social media a brand new logo proclaiming…wait for it…”STAND BY!”

Proud Boys is not just a hate group that sits around hating. It’s not like they’re in their treehouse, playing cards, drinking Mountain Dew, complaining about how they can’t get laid while holding a tiniest penis contest, not bothering anyone but occasionally saying, “by the way, I really hate Muslims.” No. This group rolls into cities, armed to the few teeth they have with guns and baseball bats, marching behind shields, saying they’re not there for violence before they all get violent…before going home to conduct another tiniest penis contest.

Donald Trump is a racist. He’s been telling us he’s a racist since day one. Last night, he told us again. He also told the racists he’s a racists. He told them to “stand by” and then he told them to harass and intimidate voters at voting precincts. He’s telling them to fuck with people while they’re voting. Donald Trump needs to go to prison.

And then, Donald Trump told us he’s the “law and order” president. “Law and order” is another racist dog whistle, like “invading the suburbs.” Do you know who else used the term “law and order?” Every southern racist sheriff in the 1960s.

Today, trying to clean it up, Donald Trump told the Proud Boys to stand back and let law enforcement do “the job.” What’s the job? Does he think Proud Boys have been doing the same job as cops? Does he believe Proud Boys have been exercising “law and order?” Does he believe cops have the same priorities as Proud Boys? And if they do, then that may be the problem we’ve been experiencing for decades.

Watching Donald Trump give orders to a racist group like Proud Boys was nothing for American to be proud of. It was an international embarrassment.

As evidenced at last night’s debate, Donald Trump is not presidential. And he’s only president for his base. His base is made up of racists. It’s made up of white supremacists. It’s made up of Nazis. It’s made up of skinheads. It’s made up of Proud Boys. And Donald Trump is a Proud Boy. And being one of them and their leader, he’s probably the winner of the tiniest penis contest.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first. But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

Debate Drug Test


cjones10022020

And I thought it was weird when he only wanted Russian hookers’ pee.

Ya know, it’s really kinda hard for Donald Trump to put the entire Russian hooker pee-pee tape thing to rest when he’s asking for Joe Biden’s pee. Does Donald Trump want to film Joe peeing? Does he want to take Joe’s pee home for later usage? What will he use that pee for? If Trump is going to take a drug test before the debate, will he be using his own pee or that of a Russian hooker? And…does Adderall show up on a drug test?

Finally, if you pay a Russian hooker to pee in a cup, can you deduct it in your taxes?

But seriously, Donald Trump needs to make the head of his corporation take a drug test, not Joe Biden. Have you heard Donald Trump Jr speak lately?

Donald Trump is doing three things with his call for Joe Biden to take a drug test. He’s gaslighting about who Joe Biden is, he’s distracting from genuine topics, and he’s lowering the bar.

Donald Trump is lowering the bar for his debate performance like he is with his upcoming electoral defeat. After he’s defeated in November, he’ll blame fictional fraud. After Joe Biden kicks his ass tonight in the first debate, he’ll say it’s because Joe is on drugs.

What he’s trying to distract us from is his performance as president and his own faults. Donald Trump would rather talk about some fictional drug Joe Biden is on rather than the 202,000 people who have died from the coronavirus. He’d rather talk about some fictional bullshit than his taxes. And each time he brings up drug tests, which Biden isn’t doing anything wrong by not taking, Biden should demand Donald Trump to release his taxes.

Joe Biden should demand that Donald Trump explain how his daughter is paid as a contracting consultant, for which he deducted taxes for, while she’s also an executive at that company. She was paid for consulting on projects she was managing.

Joe Biden should demand that Donald Trump explain the deductions he used to get a tax refund over $72 million.

Joe Biden should ask Donald Trump to explain how he’s a great businessman when he’s losing millions each year.

Joe Biden should demand Donald Trump to explain how bankrupted in an industry where customers willingly give you free money.

Joe Biden should demand Donald Trump to explain why he’s paying lower federal taxes than the illegal immigrants he’s hired.

Joe Biden should demand Donald Trump to explain why he’s paying more taxes to places like Turkey, the Philippines, Panama, and Indonesia than he’s paying to the United States.

Joe Biden should demand Donald Trump to reveal who he’s in debt to for over $300 million. That last one is really important.

Donald Trump is attempting to gaslight Biden the way he did with Hillary Clinton. During 2016, a majority of those polled believed Donald Trump was more honest than Hillary Clinton. There have been over 20 years of gaslighting about Hillary Clinton, that after over 22,000 lies, polls would probably still show Donald Trump to be more trustworthy than Clinton.

It’s kinda like the gaslighting that Republicans are better with the economy. Republicans always ruin the economy and Democrats always fix it. Right now, we’re at an eight percent unemployment rate and Donald Trump is still graded better with the economy than Joe Biden…who was a part of the administration that fixed the economy the last time a Republican fucked it up. Honestly, American voters are stupid.

Now, they’ve gaslighted that Joe Biden has mental problems. Trump has done this, Republicans have done this, and the Russians have done this. They have taken Joe Biden’s stutter and turned it into a mental problem. Now, they want to create a mythical drug thing with Joe Biden.

What Joe Biden should do each time Donald Trump brings up the drug tests bullshit….demand Sniffy to prove he’s not on Adderall. Also, I think it’d be great if he called Trump “Sniffy.”

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first. But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

Gassy Trump


CNN09272020

Here’s your cartoon for this week’s CNN Opinion newsletter. Please sign up to get these in your inbox every Sunday.

Will teargas be involved in removing Donald Trump from the White House?

I had lunch with a couple of friends yesterday and we used old expresssions like, “Darkest before the dawn” and always “quietest before the storm.” 2020 being one of the worst years on record is natural since it’s Donald Trump’s last year to “legally” be in the White House. And 2020 is going to get worse before it’s going to get better. And honestly, even if Trump is removed, I think 2021, cleaning up Donald Trump’s mess, is going to be even worse.

And Donald Trump doesn’t care. Look at his taxes and listen to his words. He doesn’t care about anything that’s not Donald Trump. He will burn this nation to the ground to save Donald Trump.

Donald Trump used the military to teargas a crowd for a photo-op. You think he’s above using violence to protect his own ass?

I don’t expect anything involving Donald Trump to be peaceful.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first. But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

Latinos For Trump


cjones09112020

Donald Trump is doing better with Hispanic and Latino voters than he did four years ago. What? After four years of “shithole” countries, building a wall, ICE raids, ripping families apart, forcing children to defend themselves in immigration court, and putting babies in cages, his approval is up with Latinos?

Joe Biden is leading with the Hispanic/Latino vote by 20 percent, but that’s nationally. In Florida, Donald Trump leads Biden among Hispanics/Latinos by two to four points, depending on the poll. In Miami-Dade County, where Donald Trump lost the Hispanic/Latino vote by 30 percent in 2016, he’s leading now by a point. In 2016, Hillary Clinton won two thirds of that vote in Florida.

In Florida and Arizona, Hispanic/Latino voters make up 20 percent of the population. This is an extremely important vote to win.

So, why is racist “A Mexican judge isn’t fit to judge me” Donald Trump doing so well with this demographic? It’s kinda like the evangelical vote in a way where you have supposed Christians supporting an accused rapist and friend of pedophiles. Or, it’s like Trump still doing well with military families even after saying a POW is only a hero because he got captured and “I like people who weren’t captured.” It doesn’t make any sense, does it?

Where Donald Trump is doing well is with Hispanics and Latinos who are evangelical and a generation removed from immigration. Basically, just like most Trump voters, it’s all about them and they don’t care about other people. He’s also doing well with his anti-socialism message with those of Cuban and Venezuelan descent. The bullshit fear thing is working on a large segment of them.

This could be just in time for Donald Trump as his support among older white Americans, suburbanites, and the military is thinning.

You can argue these Hispanic and Latino Trump supporters are voting against their best interest and they’re morons, But the way I see it, all Trump supporters are voting against their best interests and are morons. Donald Trump is destroying this nation and that affects all of us, white, black, brown, etc. The only people who should be excited about Donald Trump are billionaire assholes, anti-abortion zealots, Russians, and his stupid kids who will become even richer billionaire assholes.

Some people point out that the black supporters who speak out publicly for Donald Trump are kinda nuts, like Michael “The Black Man” who would show up behind Trump at his rallies holding a sign reading, “Blacks for Trump.” But it’s not black or brown Trump supporters who are fucknuts. All Trump supporters are fucknuts. All Trump supporters are vile petty selfish little shitweasels who only care about themselves. They don’t care about this country and they definitely don’t give two shits about the world they’ll leave for future generations.

Joe Biden has focused more on the black vote, but now he’s directing more attention to the Hispanic/Latino vote because if he doesn’t, it could cost him the presidency. While he leads Trump nationally by 20 points, Clinton was up by 38. And while Biden is leading Trump in Texas by ten, Clinton beat him by 27. Joe has some work to do. Winning Florida or Arizona could deliver Biden the presidency. If he actually gets both, I predict he wins the White House.

Donald Trump doing well with Hispanics is as messed up and bizarre as him being nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize by a Norwegian. What? That just happened? Shit.

But, that Norwegian is a white supremacist who believes hijabs are the equivalent of KKK robes. Hey, Latino Americans…what’s your excuse?

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first. But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

Ratty Intel


cjones09072020

John Ratcliffe is the Director of National Intelligence. Why? It’s not because of his experience in national security matters. It’s not because of any experience he has in being intelligent. It’s because he’s a sycophant to Donald Trump.

When he was being considered for the job, then-Congressman Ratcliffe lied about his experience in prosecuting terrorism and immigration cases. He also spread lies that Russian interference in the 2016 election was designed, not to help Donald Trump, but instead to help Hillary Clinton. Seriously.

He’s accused the FBI of being biased against Donald Trump. After the Mueller Report came out, Ratcliffe claimed it wasn’t written by Robert Mueller but…you’re going to love this…Hillary Clinton’s “de facto legal team.” Yeah, this guy is de-facts alright.

Now, Ratcliffe has decided to “scale back” intelligence briefings to Congress. Why? He claims it’s because of leaks and now there will only be written briefings. Uh, how will leaks stop if they’re only written? Hell, if anything, you’ve done the leakers’ work for them by typing it out already. Trust me. Typesetting is a pain.

We’re not actually aware of any leaks from Congress about U.S. intelligence. Ratcliffe wouldn’t describe any. If there are leaks, they’re just as likely to come out of the White House or Ratcliffe’s own office, you know, since he doesn’t have any experience with intelligence and I’m sure the people around him are more sycophants than career intelligence professionals.

During the 2016 election, President Obama chose not to go public with Russia’s meddling in our election which he knew was in favor of Donald Trump. He requested the Senate to join him in issuing a statement condemning Russia’s actions and that it wouldn’t be tolerated, but Mitch McConnell refused to participate. Why? Because Moscow Mitch knew Russia meddling was designed to help Donald Trump. After the election, McConnell and other Republicans criticized President Obama for not going public with the information.

President Obama did not want to make a statement and appear to be assisting the Clinton campaign. Now, Donald Trump just doesn’t care how anything appears.

He’s obligated to Vladimir Putin. He’s afraid to say anything negative about him. When it was pointed out that Putin killed his critics, Trump’s defense of Putin was to insult the United States. He’s taken Putin’s word over our Intelligence agencies. He’s ignoring reports Putin put bounties on the heads of American troops. He’s not just ignoring Russia’s current meddling, he’s trying to cover it up.

There was a report this week that Russia is behind a new campaign of raising questions about Joe Biden’s mental stability. It’s the same campaign Donald Trump has about Biden’s mental stability. 

When Attorney General William Barr was interviewed by Wolf Blitzer this week, Barr claimed China was a larger threat to our election than Russia which is bullshit.

Like most Trump appointees, Ratcliffe is more interested in blind obedience to Trump than in doing his job. Speaker Nancy Pelosi may force him to do his job with a subpoena. Trump and Ratcliffe don’t want Congress to know about Russian meddling in this election. And they don’t want to do anything to protect our election.

Ratcliffe has the job of protecting the United States and he’s refusing to do it. Donald Trump also has a job of protecting the United States and he’s refusing to do it.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first. But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

After Trump


cjones09042020

During the Obama presidency, when a leader and members of his administration spoke in complete sentences, Republicans accused the president of being the most divisive in American history. A conservative colleague of mine wrote repeatedly about how divisive Obama was. But seeing that my friend and Republicans don’t use that term in regards to Donald Trump, I’m having trouble trying to figure out what was so divisive about President Barack Obama.

It can’t be his use of executive orders because Trump has done that. It can’t be how often he played golf because Trump has topped that. It can’t be that Obama went on an “apology tour” because Trump has insulted our nation (“what, you think we’re so nice?”). It can’t be because he lost our nation respect because world leaders literally laugh at Donald Trump. It can’t be because he coddles fascist regimes because Donald Trump is sending “love letters” to Kim Jong Un and takes Vladimir Putin’s word over our own intelligence agencies. It can’t be because he weighed in on domestic legal matters because Donald Trump is praising a kid who shot three people killing two. It can’t be because Barack Obama praised Nazis because he never did that but Donald Trump has. It can’t be because several members of his administration were indicted because none were but a whole bunch of Trump’s goons have been.

It can’t be because he feuded with every celebrity with a Twitter account, asked foreign nations for election help, rewteeted Nazis, hired his kids, kept his businesses, threw money at his businesses, violated emoluments, tried to get summits and golf tournaments at his resorts, said POWs aren’t heroes, feuded with Gold Star families, or said, “Grab them by the pussy.”

So what the hell was so divisive about President Obama? Was it the tan suit? Was it mustard on a cheeseburger? Fox News freaked out over both but I don’t think that’s it. Actually, the answer is obvious.

When Barack Obama was elected, the racists in this nation could barely contain themselves. In fact, most failed. The day after the election in 2008, an angry woman called The Free Lance-Star, where I worked, and said she was dropping her subscription because we put that, and I’m quoting here, “N-word terrorist” on our front page. Today, Donald Trump is defending a terrorist.

Most conservatives attempted to hide their racism but would occasionally trip on it. Usually, they’d try to go after Obama with their racism while poorly trying to conceal it. Look at the birther movement.

Was it divisive that Barack Obama was elected to the presidency despite being born in Kenya? No, because he was born in the United States. But, that conspiracy theory was championed by the next president (sic), Donald J. Racist as a motherfucker Trump.

Donald Trump is a racist and he’s guilty of just about everything conservatives ever accused Obama of. All we need for a complete list is to discover Trump was born in Kenya. But, the one thing the fraudulent election of Donald J. Trump did was give racist mofos a champion to rally behind. It gave racists clearance to come out of their racist holes and make themselves known.

Shortly after Trump’s election, there was a white nationalists conference at his Washington Hotel where attendees felt free to sieg heil. The Ku Klux Klan threw a parade for Donald Trump. New hate groups formed, such as Proud Boys. Nazis marched into Charlottesville chanting, “Jews will not replace us” and “blood and soil.” Violence against minorities increased. White assholes felt free to point their guns at black people for walking down their street. Racist decided to drive trucks through Portland, Oregon and shoot paint balls at black people, knowing a president (sic) would defend them. And a kid named Kyle Rittenhouse took a long rifle and went hunting for black people in Kenosha.

The worst people in the United States came out of their holes and screamed and hollered. They don’t like facts. They abandoned all principles clinging to just one platform which is “hail Trump.” They follow their orange troll and believe every lie he tells, which is over 22,000 so far. They believe and spread conspiracy theories. People follow those conspiracy theories and attempt murder. Mass shooters publish manifestos praising Donald Trump. They will risk their children’s lives by sending them to school because Trump says so. They will ride into Sturgis and contaminate each other. They will risk their own lives and die for Donald Trump which is what Herman Cain did. They will accuse anyone who disagrees of wanting open borders, being a communist, and of hating America.

These are the most vile, racist, hateful, and dumbest people in the nation. They’re selfish and entitled. Also, they’re 99% white whose grievance is that minorities may get some of their civil liberties. These white people believe being white and Christian is under attack.

The truth is, they are the minority in this nation. There is no silent majority. The majority of citizens of this nation want Donald Trump removed. But, Trump might just stay because of the electoral college. But, what if he is removed? What happens to his hateful base? What becomes of the troglodytes? Where do the assholes go?

Trump supporters are not going to go away. They’re not going back into the holes where they came from. They’re not going to be silent. Most of all, they’re not going to become enlightened. They will continue to poison the atmosphere. They will continue to spread hate and fear. They’ll continue to gather on the dark web. They will continue to engage in conspiracy theories. Donald Trump will continue to lead them. If Donald Trump loses the election, no matter how badly he’s beaten, Trump and his racist base will spread the lie he was cheated.

If Joe Biden wins the election and we can actually pry Donald Trump out of the White House, there will be a lot of work to do. There will be a lot of damage to repair. And while we’re trying to rebuild this nation and our standing in the world, we’ll be doing it while being attacked repeatedly by Trump and his racists.

The only answer to this is, we have to be better. And here’s the thing, kids: We already are. History will not look kindly at today’s Trump supporters. History books will label them for the stupid racists they are. Hell, maybe even future history books in Texas.

Trump and his racists will continue to spread hate, fear, and lies. They will continue to cause problems for ordinary people. They will continue to be stupid. And you know what they say about stupid.

You can’t fix stupid.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first. But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.