Donald Trump loves to take credit where he deserves none. He takes credit for inheriting Obama’s economy. He took credit for no commercial airline crashes in 2017, despite there also not being any for nearly the past decade. He took credit for the phrase “priming the pump,” which has been around at least since the 1930s. He’s taken credit for Lady Gaga being a star (really). He’s taken credit for rebuilding the military, which has not been rebuilt. He’s taken credit for replenishing nuclear weapons which is another lie unless he’s referring to Russia, Iran, and North Korea. He’s even taken credit for ending the conspiracy of Obama being born outside the United States. Seriously. Trump also likes to take credit for things you’ve always had, like the freedom to say “Merry Christmas.” Stupid people have actually thanked him for this. I have a middle finger I’d like to thank him for.
Yesterday, Trump took credit for the plant in Lima, Ohio that makes tanks for the U.S. military not being shut down, despite it receiving funds in 2013, 2014, and 2017, even though the Army keeps telling Congress they don’t need more tanks (currently, there are over 4,000 tanks that have never been used in storage in the desert).
Speaking of tanks, Donald Trump has asked the Pentagon to roll a bunch of them through Washington on the Fourth of July as part of his co-opting the capital’s annual celebration into a massive Trump rally. He’s also ordered the presidential helicopter, Marine One, Air Force One, a stealth fighter, another squadron of fighter jets, and more helicopters, and 40,000 idiots in MAGA hats. This event will bring physical (tanks) and emotional (Trump and MAGA hat idiots) damage to Washington, D.C. Trump’s celebration of himself will even freeze air traffic to and from Reagan National Airport, which was also frozen once because of al Qaida.
Donald Trump ruins everything he touches. Now, he’s going to ruin the Fourth of July, a holiday that he and his cultists would have difficulty telling you which day of the month it lands on.
Trump is using a national holiday, the capital, the military, and taxpayer money to glorify himself. Because there won’t be any dictators around, Trump has to yank his own dick.
The White House will “give out” tickets for attendees to sit in a VIP section, which I’m sure we’ll learn later was sold by the Trump Campaign (wait for it). Trump’s people attempted to cancel the multiyear contract the Park Service has with a fireworks company so that a campaign contributor could “donate” their services.
The Abrams tank weights more than 60 tons, which is slightly less than Trump’s ego. Despite the city’s protest, Trump plans to have them destroy the city’s streets and perhaps the rooms underneath the Lincoln Memorial. Trump also boasted about the “new” Sherman tanks, which, like his brain, haven’t been in use since the 1950s.
Trump will expect people to thank him for the Fourth of July after this event. There are currently commercials more annoying than that Cars 4 Kids jingle asking Americans to call the White House to “thank President Trump,” for what, I don’t know. Now, they can add a holiday. Just like Trump cultists don’t remember the economy Obama gave them, they’ll forget we had the Fourth of July before Trump. Personally, I’m kinda worried about Trump cultists around fireworks, but then again, that’s a problem that might solve itself.
Fortunately, there will be people present with IQs higher than shoe sizes to let Trump know he’s not appreciated and we’re not thankful for a damn thing he’s done to this country. Protesters have been granted permits to demonstrate in the capital and the Trump Baby may even make an appearance. I mean the balloon Trump Baby. The other Trump baby has guaranteed he’ll show up.
Trump should avoid hijacking a national holiday and instead tweet out a “happy Fourth to everyone, even the haters” from his bed of hamberders in the midsts of his usual retweets of neo-Nazi videos.
We all get to look forward to Trump’s whiny voice on this special day. Now, in addition to fireworks, there’s something else that’ll hurt dogs’ ears on July the Fourth. If you need me, I’ll be under the bed with the dog.
Watch Me Draw.