Trump Rally

Peachy Conspiracies


cjones12072020

The orange devil went down to Georgia and spread his shit everywhere.

The Republican Party was concerned Donald Trump would be unable to thread the needle of getting out the vote for their two terrible Senate candidates, Long-Neck Loeffler and Chicken Perdue, in Georgia’s upcoming runoff election while also telling his people the vote is rigged and corrupt. He didn’t surprise anyone.

Donald Trump told his people he won the election which is a lie. He told them the vote was corrupt. He attacked their governor, Brian Kemp, who he called last week trying to convince to break the law and give the state to Trump. Don’t worry about breaking the law, governor. Trump can give you a pardon. He might even give you a discount.

Republicans are afraid that if their stupid-ass, ignorant, conspiracy believing fucknut voters believe that top Republicans in the state, the governor and secretary of state, are helping Democrats corrupt the election, then they won’t even bother to vote. Why vote in a system that’s not going to let you win.

And you know what. THEY’RE RIGHT!!!

It’s all a scam people! You can trust me on this because I work for CNN and they tell us everything that you’re hearing about on 4chan and Parler. We hold the information and hide it so the general population won’t figure it out. But yeah, we stole this election.

What we did was, had George Soros fund North Korean boats to bring over fraudulent ballots which were later filled out at the Clinton Foundation headquarters. Then, we stuck them all inside voter machines designed by Hugo Chavez who came back from the grave to help us steal this election so America can become a socialist commie-infested worker’s paradise. Now, we’re going to force the Green New Deal on everyone, raise taxes on the middle class, ban cow farts, and there will be taco trucks on every corner…but they’ll all be vegetarian tacos.

And here’s the best part: Brian Kemp and Georgia secretary of state, Brad Riff-Raff Raffensperger are in on it. We promised them they would not be forced to work in the brand new socialist sugar mines while being whipped by Morlocks.

May the Satanic-worshipping, baby-pizza-toppings eating Deep State reign forever!!!!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

So yeah, if you’re a Georgia Republican, you might as well not even vote.

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Ice Ice Omaha


cjones11012020

When a politician campaigns in a city, it’s best for him or her not to piss on the crowd who attend their event. For example: Don’t say, “It’s wonderful to be back in one of my favorite cities, Cleveland” when you’re actually in Columbus.

Another good idea of what not to do is bus your people in and then after the event, just forget about ’em. Screw them. They’re on their own. We got what we came for which was a screaming hate mob. On to the next super-spreader event.

The Trump rally held a campaign event in Omaha which on its own is significant in itself. Why is the Republican nominee campaigning in Omaha in the last week before the election. In case you are a Republican who does not live in Omaha, Omaha is in Nebraska. Nebraska is a red state. But, Nebraska splits the electoral votes. Two of the votes are at large (In case you’re a Republican, “at large” means they’re for the entire state) and one for each of the state’s Congressional districts, of which there are three (in case you’re a Republican, one plus one plus one equals three). Donald Trump will win Nebraska but in a losing campaign where he needs to fight for every single electoral vote he can possibly get, he visited Omaha for that split electoral vote.

And how many votes did the Trump campaign travel to Omaha to campaign for? One. Just one electoral vote. That’s how much trouble Donald Trump is in. Donald Trump is in so much danger of losing this election that he’s campaigning in Nebraska. Joe Biden was in Georgia, a red state, this week. His campaign is hitting Texas and Arizona, states Hillary Clinton and President Obama had zero chances in. Joe Biden will probably carry Arizona and come close in Georgia and Texas. Meanwhile, Donald Trump is in Omaha.

But maybe while asking for that one electoral vote, you don’t murder the people you need it from…or at least not before the election. What does Donald Trump care if they die from covid after Election Day? Phhhttt!!!

The Trump Campaign has not been holding many events in stadiums and arenas where they used to lie about the attendance numbers. Now, they hold most of them at airports…where they lie about the attendance numbers. Donald Trump can get off the plane, ramble off a bunch of bullshit and racist dog whistles, then just hop back onto his plane. This is very nice for Donald Trump as he’s actually been bitching at these rallies about having to campaign. But at least as soon as the hate rally is over, he can get back on the plane with his KFC and crank up the heat.

This is very convenient for Donald Trump. For his rally attendees, not so much.

If you know a Trump supporter, I’m so sorry. But, if you know one who attended the hate rally in Omaha, you might want to check up on them and make sure they’re not still stranded on a tarmac freezing their nuts off. The one positive about this is: If they are a Trump supporter, there’s not much to freeze off.

Since Donald Trump holds his hate rallies on airport tarmacs now, people can’t park near them. No, you can’t park on an airport runway. There are planes there and in Omaha, people are in those planes desperately trying to get out of Omaha.

So what the Trump Campaign does is bus people in. The MAGAts park at a parking lot and then MAGAt buses pick them up and bus them to the hate rally. After the rally, the MAGAts buses take them back. Or at least that’s the idea. It’d probably be nice if it worked out that way…other than everyone catching covid from each other on the buses.

In Omaha, the MAGAts froze. What happened was…Donald Trump ranted and raved for about an hour on the airport tarmac while the temperature was dropping. Then, Cheeto got back on Air Force One with his bucket, cranked up the heat, and got the hell out of Omaha. It took minutes.

Then his people, the MAGAts, who believe the billionaire Manhattan penthouse-living orange shitgibbon is one of them and cares about them so much, waited in below-freezing weather for buses that would not come.

One person who drove four hours to attend the event (why would anyone do that?) decided to walk back to his car…which was three miles away. Most of them stayed and waited for the buses and over 30 of them had to be taken to the hospital which they’ll probably have to return to because they caught covid at the hate rally.

So you didn’t get a wall paid for by Mexico, but you did catch hypothermia with a side of covid. How lovely. Four more years?

A Trump Campaign spokesgoon said that “President (sic) Trump loves his supporters”…whom they left stranded in the freezing cold. The campaign said it provided tents, heaters, hot cocoa and hand warmers at the departure location. Which departure location? The parking lot where their cars were? Thanks.

Donald Trump does NOT care about you. If he did, he wouldn’t be holding these super-spreader events during a pandemic. Once again: Donald Trump only cares about Donald Trump. This is a man who charges us for the water he drinks at his own resort. Seriously.

Donald Trump withheld information about how contagious the virus is while he was telling us it would soon go away. He claimed it would just “disappear.” His goon-in-law, Jared, said they planned for the governors to do all the heavy lifting, for them to take the blame when people died, and for Trump to take the credit when the nation reopened. Maybe Jared can blame Joe Biden for not providing buses in Omaha. Do you know who I didn’t see driving a bus in Omaha? Hunter Biden! So if you lose a toe in Omaha, blame the Bidens.

Over 230,000 people have died from this virus, including Herman Cain, a Trump supporter and friend who caught it at one of his rallies. Nearly 9 million people in this nation have caught the Trump Virus and Donald Trump only cared about one of them. What makes you think he cares about you? What makes you think Donald Trump cares if you catch the virus and die from it? What makes you think Donald Trump cares if you freeze your shitweasel giblets off on a tarmac in Omaha? He doesn’t. He has literally told his rally attendees, at his rallies, that he’d rather not be there. They cheer. It sucks being here with you. Yeah, Trump!!!

But after four years, if you’re a Trump supporter, you’re not going to get that message. You’ll keep drinking the Kool-Aid…even if you have to chip at it.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first. But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box.

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Once, Twice, Three Times a Trump Voter


cjones09062020

Guess what. In the future, when nominees for the United States Attorney General are going through their Senate confirmation hearings, they will have to be asked if they’re aware voting twice is illegal.

No, seriously. This is another thing the Trump era has fucked up. William Barr, Donald Trump’s favorite Droopy-lookalike saggy jowl toad, said he was unaware if voting twice was illegal.

The background? Yesterday, while talking to fucknuts in North Carolina, Donald Trump encouraged his followers to vote twice. You know, cheat. Break the wall. Crap all over our Democratic institution.

For months, Donald Trump has been spreading fear about mail-in voting. He and Republicans keep telling us it’s impossible to conduct mail-in voting without fraud, unless of course it’s in a Republican state. Seriously. They also claim the Post Office can’t handle the millions of ballots.

The truth: There has been no widespread fraud in mail-in voting. And, with each example Republicans present, it’s an example of someone being caught. And, the Post Office can handle the millions of mail-in ballots. How do I know this? Because they do about five times that many every Christmas. From Thanksgiving to January 1, the Post Office handles over 800 millions packages. There are only 153 million voters in this country…unless of course, everybody’s voting twice.

Donald Trump said people in North Carolina, a state he’s in danger of losing, should try to vote twice. He said, “Let them send it in and let them go vote, and if their system’s as good as they say it is, then obviously they won’t be able to vote. If it isn’t tabulated, they’ll be able to vote.”

He summed up, “That’s the way it is. And that’s what they should do.” And if they do that, they will go to jail.

When asked by CNN’s Wolf Blitzer, William Barr, being Donald Trump’s toad, said, “I don’t know what the law in the particular state says, and when that vote becomes final.” The law in that particular state, and every particular state, says it’s illegal.

Wolf asked, “”Is there any state in which you can vote twice?”

Barr said, “Maybe you can change your vote up to a particular time, I don’t know what the law is.” Seriously? You don’t know what the law is? I’m just a goofball cartoonist but I know what the law is. Voting twice is illegal. Prove me wrong.

Here’s a fun fact, if you try to vote twice, you will lose all your voting rights. Let me dumb it down for Trumplicans: In the future, you won’t even be able to vote once.

Congressman Ted Lieu tweeted, “Dear anyone at the Justice Department: Can you please educate Bill Barr that it is illegal to vote twice. And it’s really, really easy to get caught since you are giving the evidence directly to the state.” I’ll add to that with a, “D’uh!”

It’s shameful that someone who has been Attorney General….TWICE (maybe that should be illegal)…has to play dumb for Donald Trump. It’s like those preachers saying they don’t know if fornicating outside your marriage is considered a sin in the Bible.

But then again, maybe William Barr was having a mini stroke.

I have a prediction. In this election, there will be multiple cases of voter fraud. AND…the majority of them will be overwhelmingly Republicans. How do I know this? These idiots drink fish tank cleaner and bleach when Donald Trump mentions it. Yeah, a bunch of these idiots will be trying to vote twice. It’s as easy to predict as it was that a bunch of biker goons would peddle out of Sturgis spreading Covid-19.

The other thing is…Donald Trump is only against voter fraud when he’s not endorsing it.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first. But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

Virtual Fans


cjones08042020

Because of the coronavirus, fans haven’t been allowed into professional sports. But, the leagues are attempting to recreate a live atmosphere for their games.

In Major League Baseball, there are cutouts of human beings in the stands. With lifeless fans, it truly does make the game more boring. But, baseball isn’t going go be able to finish their season anyway (that’s a not-so-bold prediction).

The NBA is actually piping fans in. That is, they’re on screens watching the game in real-time so there are actual genuine reactions to what’s happening.

World Wrestling Entertainment company was the first “sport” to return because after giving Republicans a shit ton of money, Florida’s governor declared wrestling an “essential” service. Apparently in Florida, it’s essential to see people get clobbered in their heads with chairs and thrown through tables. But, they have actual fans in attendance. Granted, they’re trainees so technically, these “fans” are being paid to be there. So, I guess that kinda makes them virtual fans.

Also, soccer, hockey, and NASCAR are playing again (does NASCAR “play?”) but I haven’t watched any of those yet and when I do, it’ll just be hockey.

It seems Donald Trump might want to take a cue from professional sports.

The Trump Campaign boasted about the million people ordering tickets to his Tulsa rally. The venue could seat about 19,000 people but only 6,000 showed up and it killed Trump’s black friend Herman Cain. It was a sad day. Also, it got his Campaign Manager and grifter Brad Parscale fired. On top of all that, Trump is now planning to ban TikTok because K-pop fans used the app to organize fake ticket requests (also, there’s a brilliant comedian, Sarah Cooper, doing lip-sync impersonations of Trump that’s really pissing him off).

Over the weekend, when Donald Trump wasn’t golfing, he went to Florida for a fundraiser and ended up holding a mini Trump rally on the tarmac after getting off the plane. Donald Trump ranted his usual set, playing all the hits, to a…did I say “mini Trump rally? Yeah, he played all the hits to a very sparse crowd doing their best not to wear face masks in order to catch the coronavirus for Donald Trump. I’m using the word “sparse” generously here.

How “sparse” was it? It was so sparse, the White House released a photo of it where…wait for it…they photo-shopped in more people. Actually, it wasn’t more people. It was the same people. They took the crowd and multiplied it. So, if you look at the photo carefully, you see the same racist assholes several times. It’s kinda like when Fox News shows a photo of Jeffrey Epstein, they crop out Donald Trump. Seriously.

Altering pictures of Donald Trump isn’t new to this White House, In the past, they’ve doctored photos to make Donald Trump appear thinner and stand up straight. They’ve even added crowds to his crowds, usually by taking crowds from much more popular events, like Antique Road Show (I made that up, sort of). It’s kinda like whenever Melania delivers a speech, she has to steal it from Michelle Obama, who by the way, is probably going to be missing some roses from her rose garden very soon.

I expect the Republicans to pipe people into their convention later this month. Holy crap! That’s this month? But anyway, maybe they’ll do it like the NBA and display screens of fans in real-time. I mean, sure it won’t be as diverse as an NBA audience but it could be Trump’s best opportunity to actually feature black people in his crowd…you know…that they’re not going to kill later. And maybe they can actually feature someone wearing a “Blacks for Trump” shirt who is actually a black person.

Donald Trump always boasted that large attendance at his rallies proves how popular he is. So using his logic, or what little of it there actually is, what do small crowds say about his support? I mean, if you can’t even get the racist assholes to come out in Florida, you’re might be kinda doomed. Maybe they were all watching wrestling.

I miss fans at actual sports (not wrestling or NASCAR). They’re a part of the game. But I’m not going to miss seeing thousands of racist Republicans on my TV. Or at least, they won’t be in the same room as the event. I’m looking forward to the dead air hurting Donald Trump’s tiny feeble feelings. The true irony is that Donald Trump’s fans are fake anyway. They’re fake patriots. They’re fake Christians. Hell, they’re fake Americans.

And maybe after November, we won’t have to deal with a fake president anymore.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first.

But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box. 

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

Herman Cain


cjones08022020

After finishing yesterday’s cartoon, I treated myself to a McDonald’s breakfast. As I was walking back into my apartment, I saw breaking news on CNN about Herman Cain. I was hoping the “breaking news” was that he was being released from the hospital after acquiring coronavirus. I am sad it wasn’t. I don’t wish bad health or death upon anyone, no matter their politics.

Yesterday afternoon, I saw a post from a conservative cartoonist complaining about the media “implying” Herman Cain caught the coronavirus at Donald Trump’s Tulsa rally. How dare that dastardly media for reporting the facts. That same conservative was upset President Obama “politicized” John Lewis’ death by talking about the issue John Lewis dedicated his life to, voting rights, but ignored that Donald Trump used Herman Cain’s death to hurl another racial slur about the “China” virus.

Perhaps if we had better contract tracing, we would have a better understanding of where Cain caught the virus, but as the facts stand, the Tulsa rally is a pretty good culprit. Cain was hospitalized less than two weeks after attending Trump’s campaign rally in Tulsa.

Local officials warned the Trump Campaign not to hold the indoor rally. While preparing for the rally in Tulsa, several members of the campaign and the Secret Service caught the virus. While the turnout was seriously disappointing for the campaign, as most people didn’t want a hate rally to kill them, it was still too large of an indoor gathering during the coronavirus pandemic.

Before the rally, Donald Trump played down wearing masks and social distancing. Neither was mandated at the rally in a state where the virus was surging. The campaign removed social distancing stickers from seats. They discouraged any safety measures being taken at the rally. Yet, they still required all attendees to sign a waiver absolving the Trump Campaign of any liability in the case of them catching the coronavirus. During this pandemic, Donald Trump said he took no responsibility for any of the government’s failures. And if you catch the virus while going out of your way to praise him, he won’t accept any responsibility for that either.

Herman Cain was excited to attend the rally. He tweeted that not wearing a mask to the rally was freedom. During the rally, he tweeted a photo of him with several “Black Voices for Trump” and “Having a fantastic time.” Nobody was wearing a mask in the photo. Shortly before entering the hospital, he tweeted about Donald Trump’s July 4th South Dakota rally and that people were “fed up” with having to wear face masks. He was cheering over face masks not being mandated at that particular rally. But which is a greater inconvenience, wearing a face mask or being dead? Well, we can’t ask him.

Even after he was hospitalized, Herman kept up with politicizing the virus. He touted hydroxychloroquine as a treatment. No word yet on whether it was used to treat him. He tweeted three days ago, “Thank God baseball didn’t panic like the media wanted” over the widespread coronavirus contamination of the Miami Marlins which is probably going to cancel the rest of the baseball season.

Donald Trump expressed his condolences to Herman Cain’s family and he blamed China without mentioning his Tulsa rally. But before tweeting anything about Cain, he illegally promoted a pizza place (not Godfather’s) on Long Island that has some controversy over flying a Trump flag. Trump said, “Great pizza” about the pizza he’s never had in his life. For all he knows, it’s on the same level as Sbarro.

When it comes to the virus, Republicans are slow learners. Even while having the virus, Herman Cain continued to politicize it. He politicized it all the way to his grave. Politicizing it is what put him in there. Are Republicans learning from this?

Congressman Louis Gohmert has spent months politicizing the virus and being an anti-mask wearer. After contracting the coronavirus, he informed his staff in person while…wait for it…not wearing a mask. So, no. Republicans are NOT learning from this. Later, Louis said he probably caught the virus from the facemasks he hardly ever wore. Now, bald-headed mask-hating Louis is going to fight the virus with…wait for it again…hydroxychloroquine. Gohmert is risking his life to cater to Donald Trump’s ego. Herman Cain lost his life kissing Donald Trump’s ass. Republicans are slow learners. You don’t want to die with your lips fully planted on Trump’s ass.

And the thing about Louis Gohmert being tested is that he wasn’t tested for his health. He was tested to protect Donald Trump as was required before boarding a plane with him.

Herman Cain’s death was tragic and it could have been prevented. The Tulsa rally could have been postponed, canceled, or never planned in the first place during a pandemic. Donald Trump was selfish for his cult’s worship during a pandemic. Unfortunately, his friend’s wellbeing, like that of the rest of this nation’s, was not important to Donald Trump.

If nothing else, we could be learning from Herman Cain’s death, or using it to at least educate Republicans. But with Trump still attending fundraisers maskless and people like Louis Gohmert continuing to cling to political conspiracy theories instead of science, Herman’s life was truly wasted.

For my conservative “pal” upset the media is “implying” Herman Cain caught the virus at Donald Trump’s Tulsa rally, sorry. All evidence points at the Tulsa rally. And instead of calling it the “China Virus,” call it the “Trump Virus” because the Trump Virus killed Herman Cain. It was wasted in the name of Trumpism. It was the cost of being in the Trump cult.

Donald Trump killed Herman Cain. His greed, selfishness, and sheer stupidity killed Him. Herman could have saved his own life by never joining the Trump cult. Donald Trump kills people. Donald Trump is a cancer. Donald Trump is poison.

But Herman isn’t the only one. So far, the Trump Virus has killed over 152,000 Americans. What’s our national plan for fighting it? We still don’t have one and Donald Trump now wants to risk your children’s lives for his own self-interest. At this point, it’s definitely the Trump Virus. Since Donald Trump doesn’t want to do anything to combat the virus and save Americans from it, the only cure is to vote him out of office.

During the 2016 campaign, Donald Trump asked black Americans, “What do you have to lose?”. Today, ask all Americans that question. Herman Cain has your answer.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first.

But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box. 

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

Anti-Social Gatherings


cjones07252020

Just like we’re supposed to forget Donald Trump was anti-mask and anti-social distancing, we’re supposed to forget about Tulsa.

Yesterday, Donald Trump resumed his coronavirus briefings. Thankfully, it was pretty brief. Thankfully, he didn’t make another pitch to drink bleach. To make the presentation, there weren’t any scientists or anyone informed on the coronavirus…or anything. It was just Trump.

First, let’s get one thing straight. These are NOT coronavirus briefings. They are NOT designed to inform the public or in the interest of health and safety. They are NOT intended to help or serve anyone except Donald Trump. These are infomercials for Trump 2020. If you disagree, then please tell me one thing we learned from the briefing yesterday other than Ghislaine Maxwell, Jeffrey Epstein’s former teenage girl wrangler who’s now in federal custody, must have some serious shit on Donald Trump.

Donald Trump said he wishes Maxwell well, which is a wink, nod, and a nudge to her that if she doesn’t say anything about Donald Trump, then he’ll commute or pardon her after the November election along with all those other pardons for Trump goons he’s planning. Don’t believe me? Ask Roger Stone. Normally, proof of this would be that presidents (sic) of the United States of America do not ever ever ever ever say nice things about pedophiles…except this president (sic) because this is at least the second pedophile he’s said things about. Ask Roy Moore. You can find him at the mall food court.

Of course, that Maxwell pedophile stuff doesn’t have anything to do with the coronavirus so we didn’t really learn anything. We already knew Trump is a liar and full of shit.

The day before, Donald Trump tweeted a photo of himself in a mask with a statement “Many people say wearing face masks is patriotic.” What? This guy has spent months downplaying and mocking people for wearing face masks. Now, he’s all about the face masks? Yes except for a fundraiser that very same night where he did not wear a mask, Trump is now pro-mask. So, forget those months of him not being in favor of masks. Also, he’s too pathetic to say HE finds it patriotic, relying on the “many people” crap.

Also, forget all those months of him not caring about social distancing and avoiding large gatherings. You know, large gatherings like Trump rallies.

Forget about Tulsa and Trump wishes you would. Forget during this pandemic where Trump now says to avoid large gatherings, that Donald Trump held a hate party with a large gathering. Forget it was indoors and about 6,000 smooshed together to worship at Donald Trump’s feet. Forget none of them wore masks. Forget that the Trump campaign removed stickers from seats that were advising social distancing. Forget that members of the Trump Campaign, members of the Secret Service, and Herman Cain all left Tusla with Covid 19. Forget the rally was also a flop as there were supposed to be a hundred thousand trying to jam inside to the point the campaign set up a stage outside the venue for the oversized crowd. Also, forget the coronavirus spiked in Tulsa two weeks after the rally.

While you’re at it, forget Donald Trump held another rally inside a church in Arizona (where the virus is now spiking) and on the Fourth of July at the foot of Mount Rushmore in South Dakota (where three out of the four presidents have now tested positive). Forget Donald Trump attempted another rally in New Hampshire which was canceled because nobody was going to be there. Ever see a racist Oompa Loompa talk to himself in a very large empty room? We almost saw that in New Hampshire.

Even while stating his newfound position on face masks, social distancing, and avoiding large racist crowds, Donald Trump couldn’t send that message from the heart. He had to read it off an index card. And the reason for this new position? Donald Trump’s polls are in the toilet. If this keeps up, we may look at a historic electoral wipeout of a sitting president (sic). But then again, it’s early and we’re all familiar with the Democratic Party’s ability to blow an election they should easily win.

But the Trump White House wants Donald Trump to start appearing as an adult and to at least pretend he cares about the pandemic. Why, they even want to create a plan to fight the virus and not too soon either, as over 142,000 people are now dead. Of course, that plan doesn’t include funding for widespread testing and tracing but it does include another tax cut for rich assholes. It also includes throwing your children into contaminated cesspools they can swim in before returning home for quality time with grandma.

We also learned yesterday that it’s now OK to refer to the coronavirus as the Trump Virus. We learned that from House Speaker Nancy Pelosi who probably learned it from me. And where is the best place to avoid catching the Trump Virus?

Go to a Trump rally. No one else will be there.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first.

But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box. 

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

Germin’ With Herman


cjones07062020

I don’t care who you are or if you’re a Republican or a Democrat when it comes to science. You should listen to scientists, not politicians. You should especially listen to scientists over stupid politicians.

While Donald Trump and his surrogates keep downplaying the seriousness of the coronavirus and put a happy spin on it, people close to Trump continue to catch it. A Secret Service agent who accompanied Mike Pence to Arizona, a virus hotspot, has contracted the virus. While the Trump campaign was setting up its hate rally in Tulsa several members of the campaign and two Secret Service agents caught the virus.

Before the rally was held in Tulsa, everyone who is not a dumbass knew it was a horrible and stupid idea. Oklahoma was and still is a hotspot for the coronavirus. It was very dangerous to go to a hotspot and jam 19,000 people into one…I’m sorry…to jam 6,000 people into one room. All the experts said we’ll see who catches it from that rally in two weeks. Guess what. It’s been two weeks.

Herman Cain chairs Black Voices for Trump, where there are not a lot of voices. Herman attended the Tulsa hate rally. He wasn’t afraid of catching the virus and photos turned up of him at the rally not wearing a face mask and not social distancing. After the hate rally, Cain wrote an Op-Ed saying, “The atmosphere was electric, and the president’s words were inspiring. He presented a vision for uniting the country, overcoming the remaining effects of the pandemic and reinvigorating an economy he had going strong before the coronavirus showed up.” Yeah, the “atmosphere” was apparently contaminated, and guess who now has to “overcome the remaining effects of the pandemic?”

Yup, Herman has caught the virus. He was told Monday he has the disease and by Wednesday, his symptoms were so severe that he was hospitalized in Atlanta. I’m not sure if it was before or after he went to the hospital, but on Wednesday, TWO FUCKING DAYS AFTER HE WAS TOLD HE HAD THE VIRUS, he tweeted his support for the July 4th celebration in South Dakota saying, “Masks will not be mandatory for the event, which will be attended by President Trump. PEOPLE ARE FED UP!”

Seriously, dude. Has Trump called or sent you a get-well card yet? People are “fed up” with wearing face masks? Guess what, Herman? You should have worn a mask. I’m pretty sure it would have been a lot less inconvenient than being in a hospital.

There will be a huge celebration in South Dakota at Mount Rushmore where the stupid Republican governor announced face masks will not be mandatory and they will not be social distancing. In fact, each attendee will be assigned their own personal Nazi to breath heavy on their face. Sorry, ladies. Stephen Miller’s been spoken for.

And, Donald Trump will be at this rally where some predict the attendance can be as high as 30,000. According to some inside sources, Donald Trump is petrified he will catch the virus because it will make him look bad because he’s trying to convince everyone the virus will go away and he’s mocked people for wearing face masks. However, he is starting to bend on the mask thing and even says it makes him look like the Lone Ranger. I think he’s confusing the Lone Ranger with Bane.

The White House may be testing Trump every day for the virus. Reportedly, everyone who comes in contact with him has to be tested. But tests aren’t 100 percent reliable. Someone should tell this to Donald Trump and maybe use a condom analogy. Perhaps if he sees the coronavirus as an Eric, he’ll take the disaster seriously.

I don’t care how much precaution is being taken to protect Trump from the virus because, at the rate he’s hanging out with large crowds of racist assholes, someone with the virus will slip in and get on him. Ask Herman.

Donald Trump said “Black Lives Matter” is a racist symbol. Maybe he can put that on the get-well card for Herman. Hey, Herman. How are your doctors fighting the virus? Are they using hydroxychloroquine? Are you drinking bleach? I hope you’re listening to the doctors and not Doctor Dumbass.

In addition to listening to scientists over stupid politicians, maybe Herman can remember just how loyal of a person Donald Trump is. And what did Herman get for his loyalty to Donald Trump, a man who tweeted “white power” and throws out racist dog whistles on a daily basis? He got a hospital bed. Herman is one of Donald Trump’s “black friends,” which means he’s not really his friend. He’s a token.

Tokens are expendable, especially to disloyal and selfish people like Donald Trump.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first.

But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box. 

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

MAGA Funny


cjones06262020

I used to think conservatives were funny. Now, they’re only funny inadvertently. The basis for all Republican humor, especially for those in the Trump cult, is cruelty.

Republicans think it’s hilarious to put immigrant children in cages. They laughed their asses off when Border Patrol agents destroy jugs of water left for immigrants in the desert. They love cracks at the appearance of an elderly woman if that woman is a Democrat. When Donald Trump calls a woman “nasty,” entire arenas roar. Those arenas aren’t as full as they were, but still. “Send them back” still slays ’em.

MAGAts love cruel humor because they’re cruel people themselves. There are two qualifications to be a Trump supporter: You have to be OK with racism and you have to be an asshole. That comes pretty easy for Trump supporters because it’s the cruelty and racism that appeals to them. Try this test: Ask any one of them to explain details of any Trump position. Nine times out of ten, the answer will contain the word “Obama.”

During Donald Trump’s Tulsa hate rally that was a huge flop, he said he told his people to slow down testing for the coronavirus. The audience ate it up and laughed their balls off…even the female Trump supporters (though to be fair, I hear most of them shave their balls). Later, his campaign fucknuts said he was just joking.

Really? Joking about testing on a pandemic that’s killed over 120,000 Americans? Joking about a virus that would have killed fewer people if Donald Trump had confronted the crisis early on instead of downplaying it like he’s still doing? Joking about testing for a virus when testing saves lives? Yeah, that’s hilarious. H’yuk, h’yuk, h’yuk.

Now, Donald Trump says he wasn’t joking. The joke here that’s hilarious is this White House can’t even get on the same page over something stupid like, more testing leads to more cases. See? Inadvertently funny.

Also during his racist rally, Donald Trump said the coronavirus has more names than any other disease and he could name 19 of them. He only named one and it was “Kung flu.” That is a racist term and surely his crowd would strongly disapprove such a racist slur…who am I kidding? They loved it.

Later, KayLeigh McEnany, the new and improved White House spokesgoon, decided to blame the media for Donald Trump’s slur. Her argument was, we need to focus on where the virus came from and not Trump’s use of a racist slur. Months ago, Another White House goon, Kellyanne Conway got angry at a reporter for stating a source in the administration had used the same slur. Kellyanne demanded to know who said it. She was indignant with anger. The outrage. It’s impossible. Now we know who said it. I for one hope Kellyanne takes her anger over the slur out on the president (sic).

Yesterday, a noose was found hanging in the garage for Bubba Wallace, NASCAR’s only black driver. It was in his team’s garage at the race in Talladega, Alabama. Now, Donald Trump hasn’t said or tweeted anything about that, but he did retweet some racist videos last night. And, I saw some MAGAts speculating this was another Jussie Smollett situation that’s fake and generated by liberals because it’s preposterous to believe someone would hang a noose in a black guy’s garage in Alabama. I’m sure they won’t apologize after the offender is found and captured. He will be found. And, he will be a Trump supporter.

Do you know why all good comedians are liberal? Because you have to be smart to be funny…or at least good at it. Idiots don’t make good comedians…or political cartoonists. Over the past two weeks, there were three issues over racist political cartoons with newspapers apologizing and editors resigning. None of those cartoons were funny unless you love racist humor. Conservatives don’t understand humor, irony, hypocrisy, or anything more complex than, “ramp slippery, me fall down.” But as I said, Republicans are inadvertently funny. Let’s list some examples.

Matt Gaetz lives with a 19-year-old man. OK, that’s more creepy than funny. Maybe it’s just Matt Gaetz’s face that’s funny. He kinda looks like an asshole Matt Damon but uglier. Also, ew and that kid’s going to write a book someday.

Another example of inadvertently funny is Jim Jordan. OK, again. Maybe it’s just his face. Real funny is Ted Cruz picking a fight with Hell Boy…for Jim Jordan to fight. And of course, Ted Cruz’s face.

I’ll list a few better examples. When Donald Trump holds a glass with two hands and he purses his lips like he has super sucking power that’ll bring that water to his mouth without touching the glass, that’s hilarious. When he took forever to walk down that ramp…that was just stupid funny. The other walk he took, after his Tulsa rally, where his tie is undone and his orange makeup is splotched all over his color, Fufreakinghilarious.

Oh, yeah, remember that time they boasted about having a million people registering for tickets to a hate rally in Tulsa and only 6,200 showed up? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Remember them tearing down the stage for the overflow crowd because there wasn’t an overflow crowd? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Funny, funny, funny. Tim Allen should be writing this shit down. He can do those man grunts with it if that helps sell the joke.

What could Dennis Miller do with an empty Trump hate rally? Let me try: That rally was emptier than a theater showing cats if all the cats were racist cats wearing MAGA hats. OK, I can’t do a Dennis Miller, or I need more time and I want to publish this blog.

Another example of Republicans being inadvertently funny: Donald Trump probably wears a diaper. Alright, maybe some of our humor is cruel too. But, BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

But it’s OK if your humor is cruel when you’re making fun of racist assholes.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first.

But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box. 

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

TikTok Agitators


cjones06252020

Do you know what I love about conservatives using the word “agitator?” Because it was a favorite word of southern racists back in the 1960s when northerners went to the south to register black voters. It’s what the racists called the people they murdered in Neshoba County, Mississippi in 1964 during what was called “Freedom Summer.”

Donald Trump talked about “heritage” Saturday night in Tulsa where only 6,200 Trump-supporting racists showed up. When Donald Trump talks about heritage, he’s giving out a dog whistle to racists. And just like he did with taking “when the looting starts, the shooting starts,” from a southern sheriff in the 1960s, he’s now using “agitators.” All Donald Trump is missing is his “sheriff’s star” and white hood. For the record, he also used the racist term “Kung flu” at Saturday’s hate rally.

Donald Trump sent out a hate tweet before his Saturday Tulsa flop that said, “Any protesters, anarchists, agitators, looters or lowlifes who are going to Oklahoma please understand, you will not be treated like you have been in New York, Seattle, or Minneapolis. It will be a much different scene!”

Donald Trump is the president (sic) of the United States and he equated protesters with terrorists. Protesting is legal in this country. And while he wants to designate “Antifa” a fictional organization as a federally-recognized terrorist group, he ignores that white supremacists are responsible for the majority of terrorist acts in this nation. He talks about Antifa burning churches while it’s white supremacists who burn churches. How long will we have to wait for him to express outrage about a noose left hanging in the garage of NASCAR’s only black driver, Bubba Wallace? To Donald Trump, that noose is “heritage.”

For the lack of a crowd in Tulsa, the Trump campaign is blaming Black Lives Matter and the media for scaring people off. But, but, but, but I thought it would be a different scene and they wouldn’t allow any “agitating” in Tulsa? From the photos of Trump walking across the White House lawn from Marine One after arriving home from the rally, he looked pretty agitated.

Trump is livid that TikTok teens, K-Pop Stans, and assorted Zoomers punk’d the Trump campaign. Brad Parscale, the soon-to-be-shit-canned campaign manager, tweeted that the Zoomers didn’t really prank them. But, but, but, but, Brad…why did you and the guy who’s soon to fire you, President (sic) Trump boast about a million people registering for your Tulsa hate rally? Why, why, why, why, Brad? Why?

Basically, Brad, you got rocked by the TikTok. You got panned by the K-Pop Stans. Your rally got put in a tomb by the people on Zoom. You’ll claim you retired but you’ll actually be fired. As Paula Abdul once sang, “Ba-ba-ba-ba-bye-ba-ba-bub-bub-bye.”

There’s another hate rally scheduled for tomorrow (in case you’re a Republican, tomorrow is Tuesday, June 23). This MAGA party is scheduled for a megachurch that will only hold 3,000 people. I’m sure this one will be filled but the oversize crowd, or lack of one, will probably still fuck with Trump and Brad if he’s still around.

Personally, I’m looking forward to a campaign season for Donald Trump with half-empty venues for his hate rallies. I don’t know if that’ll ever get old for me because I’m going to laugh my ass off every time it happens.

I’m hoping this is a sign America is tired of Trump. Defeating Trump will be a defeat for evil. It’ll be a slap in the face to his racist supporters who need some major slappage. America can move forward again and the Joe Biden administration can start to repair the damage Donald Trump inflicted upon this nation.

I’m sure Joe Biden’s inauguration will be larger than Donald Trump’s. But there could be a huge turnout for Donald Trump’s goodbye party.

Ba-ba-ba-ba-bye-ba-ba-bub-bub-bye.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first.

But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box. 

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

Learning From Trump


CNN06222020
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When Donald Trump says, “Believe me,” it means he’s telling a lie. When Donald Trump says something is “beautiful,” it means it’s a train wrecking into a mountain of shit on fire. When Donald Trump says, “It will be like nothing anyone has ever seen,” that means you’ve seen it. And when Donald Trump says, “No one ever knew that before,” it means he just found out.
Donald Trump once told us Abraham Lincoln is a Republican and that “not a lot of people knew that.” I think everyone learns that by the second grade. He learned of Frederick Douglass and told us, “Frederick Douglass is an example of somebody who’s done an amazing job and is getting recognized more and more, I notice.” I think he confused Frederick Douglass with Ben Carson. Now, Donald Trump is telling us he made Juneteenth famous.
Let’s be fair here. Maybe he did make more Americans aware of Juneteenth. Of course, I’m only talking about white Americans.  Donald Trump probably only became aware of Harriet Tubman after she was scheduled to replace his favorite racist president, Andrew Jackson, on the $20 bill, which he halted.
In case you’re playing catch-up, Juneteenth is recognized by black Americans as a holiday though it’s not a federal one. Soon, it will be. Either next year or in four. It’s a holiday because that’s when slaves in Texas found out about the Emancipation Proclamation and that they were free citizens. Of course, when they found this out, it was two years after the fact. Yes, our nation is racist and the fact this is not a holiday, in addition to Donald Trump being president (sic), proves that.
Donald Trump took credit for educating Americans about Juneteenth. Of course, that means he just found out about it and in an interview, he asked aides in the room if they were aware. A black Secret Service agent was aware and a white aide was too because she remembered the press release the White House issued for it in 2019. Donald Trump did not remember that. He was all like, we did that? For a black holiday? Quick…someone get me a $20.
If anyone learned of Juneteenth because of Donald Trump, it was inadvertent. Donald Trump did not set out to educate America about a piece of black American history, or as some people will call it, American history.
Did I know of Juneteenth before this year? Yes, I did. But in my defense, I’m smarter than most people. Just kidding. I was aware because I have to read stuff. I don’t consider it an accomplishment that I knew this as I’m kind of supposed to. I haven’t read a novel in five years but I have heard of Juneteenth. I will give you this, I had never heard this much discussion about it.
Now, one thing I did learn more about was the Tulsa race riot. I had heard of it before but not all the details. I had heard of Black Wall Street too.
But, someone at the Trump campaign knew about all this and it’s why they scheduled the rally on Juneteenth for Tulsa, which is in a very red state and where Donald Trump doesn’t need to rally (Michigan, Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, Florida, North Carolina would have each made more sense). Having the rally in Tulsa on Juneteenth was as much of a racist dog whistle as when Donald Trump talked last night about “heritage” and “kung flu.”
In addition to Juneteenth and the Tulsa race riot…and that Donald Trump and Brad Parscale can be easily outwitted by teenagers, we learned some other stuff last week. But maybe we learned more from John Bolton.
We learned of Chinese concentration camps for Muslims and that Donald Trump approved of them.
We learned Finland is in Russia but I hope you already knew that. Maybe Putin told Trump Finland was a part of Russia because Russia invaded Finland back in World War II (which put Finland, a Democracy even at that time, on the side of the Axis with Hitler even though all they did wrong was be next to Russia).
We learned that maybe the Supreme Court hates Trump. At least that’s what Trump claimed after SCOTUS ruled people can’t lose their jobs for being LGBTQ and in favor of DACA. We already knew Obama was a better president.
We learned England is a nuclear power. Well, I knew that. The other nuclear powers are the U.S, Russia, France, China, North Korea, Pakistan, India, and shhhhh, it’s a secret, Israel. But learning Donald Trump didn’t know this isn’t a surprise as he didn’t know the differences between England, the United Kingdom, and Britain. This guy didn’t know about the nuclear triad.
We learned Trump will ask China to help his reelection but that’s not a surprise as he’s already asked Russia and Ukraine. Who else has he asked? I’ll bet you a chicken chimichanga under a mountain of cheesy chili there are more.
We learned Donald Trump only cares about Donald Trump and will risk his supporters’ lives to hear an applause. Well, most of us already knew that too.
We learned about racist babies. What? Babies can’t be racist. What happened here is, Donald Trump took a loving video that made everyone in the world go, “dawwwwwwwwwwwwwww” while making a goofy face, of two toddlers, one black and the other white, running toward each other for a huge hug. It was adorable. Trump, took that video and made it appear as though it was a CNN broadcast of the white baby chasing the black baby with the tag, “racist baby probably a Trump supporter.” How fucking vile is that? One thing we didn’t learn is that Donald Trump is a low-life piece of crap. The families of the toddlers were highly upset and Twitter and Facebook removed it…eventually.
Trump also had a tweet removed from Facebook for using a Nazi symbol. A lot of people weren’t aware of that symbol but they are now. Haven’t seen it? I put it on the airplane in my last cartoon.
Donald Trump is appalling, evil, vile, gross, and disgusting. We already knew that. We also know he’s a fucking moron.
Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first.

But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box. 

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.