Nucken Futz & Associates

Donald Trump is in serious legal trouble.

He’s being investigated by Robert Mueller, a former head of the FBI and a man who investigated and prosecuted major financial fraud, terrorism and public corruption cases, as well as narcotics conspiracies and international money launderers. He oversaw prosecutions of Manuel Noriega, the Lockerbie bombing case, and the Gambino crime family boss John Gotti. He’s also a Marine veteran who was wounded in Vietnam. Robert Mueller is not playing around.

Mueller has put together a team of the nation’s top lawyers, most of whom are former prosecutors, or still prosecutors on loan from their district offices. These lawyers went after Enron, corrupt union officials and government employees, white-collar criminals, gangsters, terrorists, spies, and money launderers. One of these lawyers was on the Watergate team.

Donald Trump’s defense against this legal dream team are lawyers willing to work for Donald Trump. Trump has a history of not paying his lawyers. He’s a client who doesn’t take his lawyers’ advice and shut up about the investigation. He won’t stop tweeting about the investigation. He’s a man who doesn’t just have a history of lying in public and to the press, he’s been caught lying in court and in depositions. Donald Trump’s word is less credible than that of a porn star.

Donald Trump publicly asked Russia to help him win the election. His son invited Russians inside Trump Tower while Trump was in the tower. Trump fired FBI Director James Comey, and then told the Russians and Lester Holt he fired him to end the investigation. Trump’s public stupidity created the Special Counsel.

Trump tweeted that he fired Michael Flynn for lying to the vice president and the FBI. This tweet implicates that Trump knew Flynn was under investigation by the FBI when he asked James Comey to take it easy on him. That’s obstruction of justice. One of Trump’s personal lawyers, John Dowd, claims he wrote the tweet, which would clear the president. The problem is, nobody believes that. Another problem is the stupidity of sending the tweet. Dowd is representing Trump in the Russia case.

Another one of his personal attorneys is Jay Sekulow who went on Fox News and claimed Trump was not under investigation while also saying Trump was under investigation. He also claimed everything said between Trump and Comey was attorney/client privilege, though Comey is not Trump’s attorney. Isn’t that sort of stuff on the bar exam?

Don McGahn is White House Counsel, and he’s been described as the “worst White House Counsel ever.” He pressured James Comey, before he was fired, to publicly exonerate Trump. He made a failed pitch for Attorney General Jeff Sessions not to recuse himself. He attempted to legally defend the Nunes Memo in the court of public opinion. Maybe worst of all, he oversaw the Rob Porter scandal, where normally the White House Counsel would have nixed hiring a wife beater.

Then there’s Michael Cohen, the lawyer representing Trump in the Stormy Daniels case. Cohen claims he paid off Daniels with his own money and without Trump’s knowledge. He claims the payment isn’t an illegal campaign contribution and it’s not linked to Trump in any way, though all his communication during the payment was with a Trump Organization email address. I’m shocked he hasn’t used the company’s fax machine to send Robert Mueller copies of his butt.

The only competent lawyer on Trump’s team is Ty Cobb, and Trump is about to fire him. Trump and the White House claim they’re not about to fire Cobb, but Trump tweeted ten days ago that he wasn’t going to add any more lawyers to his team. Yesterday, he added another lawyer to his team.

Trump has hired attorney Joseph diGenova, a man who has gone on Fox News and said, “There was a brazen plot to illegally exonerate Hillary Clinton and, if she didn’t win the election, to then frame Donald Trump with a falsely created crime. It wasn’t the Russians who corrupted the presidential election; it was the American officials at the Department of Justice and the FBI.” He capped off his statements with, “I would consider this the largest law enforcement scandal in history for this reason.”

Trump, who spent years claiming Obama was born in Kenya, loves a good conspiracy theory. He also loves to hire people from TV. The fourth-highest ranking member of the State Department came directly from Fox & Friends (I shit you not). And, diGenova fits the bill, as he’s a conspiracy theorist who goes on TV.

During the presidential campaign, diGenova claimed the FBI would charge Hillary Clinton, and she’d be unqualified to run for president. He also hawked conspiracy theories on Benghazi.

Trump attempted to hire a legal heavyweight in Theodore Olson, a former solicitor general. Proof of Olson being a smart and capable lawyer is the fact that when offered a job representing Donald Trump, he said nope, nope, nope, nope, no, hell no, forget about it, and no thank you. Early in the investigation, lawyers all over D.C. were talking about turning down Trump.

Trump is in serious trouble and I haven’t decided if his undoing will be his mouth or his penis. But, though I’m not a lawyer, I do have some great legal advice for Trump.

Just keep tweeting and talking. Tweet, talk, tweet, talk, talk, tweet, and everything will work out fine. OK, that’s great advice that will help out the nation. Trump, not so much. But, it will be good for America.

Here’s the video.

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