Trump Lawyers

Trump’s Legal Brains


cjones11242020

If you want an idea of how nutzoid Trump election-stealing lawyer Sidney Powell is, take this in: Tucker Carlson can’t support her arguments…and Tucker has had shows about UFOs.

Tucker Carlson wants to believe in Sidney Powell. He said that he’s “always respected her work” and he’s holding out hope that she’ll provide evidence that thousands of votes were moved from Trump to Biden, which didn’t happen. Tucker is still stupid enough to hold out hope that election fraud occurred.

Do you understand that? Trump supporters are HOPING that our election was rigged and democracy failed. Do you know why? Because it’ll justify their stealing of an election. But right now, they don’t have any evidence or anything that supports their argument that Donald Trump won the election. Do you know why? Because Donald Trump did NOT win the election. Donald Trump lost and Joe Biden will be sworn in as president on January 20, 2021.

Sidney Powell is a Qanon-supporting nut. She has retweeted their theories on multiple occasions. She’s been a guest on Qanon’s YouTube show. Yes, they have a YouTube show. She’s Michael Flynn’s lawyer and now she’s arguing Donald Trump’s case that he won the election despite the fact he didn’t.

Sidney, along with Rudy Giuliani, suck. If they’re your legal team, you’re in trouble. I mean, you might as well invite Republican state legislatures to the White House and beg them to defy their constituents, break the law, invalidate votes, and just give you their state’s electors. Actually, Donald Trump did that yesterday.

Meanwhile, Powell and Giuliani are running around saying the election was stolen, Trump “won in a landslide,” And that it was manipulated by George Soros, the Clinton Foundation, and the deceased Hugo Chavez. At least Sidney’s hair dye isn’t running down her face.

Sidney Powell says she didn’t provide evidence to Tucker because he was rude. How about to the rest of us, Sidney? Their defenders are saying Trump’s legal team is holding their evidence for court…but they’re not using it in court. In fact, they keep having their cases thrown out of courts.

And while Trump’s legal team is arguing at press conferences outside dildo stores that massive voter fraud stole the election, when they’re in court, they’re saying there wasn’t any voter fraud.

So, if you don’t believe me that there was not any massive voter fraud, then take it from Trump’s stupid legal team. They’re telling you one thing and they’re telling judges something else. The judges aren’t buying it, but if you’re a Trump supporter, it’s a good thing for Trump that you’re stupid enough to buy it.

Trump’s legal team’s argument is even losing Fox News, who desperately wants to believe them. I guess this means during the Joe Biden era, Sidney Powell won’t have her own show on Fox. There’s always that Qanon YouTube channel…or Trump TV.

It’s hard for Donald Trump to hire capable lawyers because good lawyers don’t want to argue conspiracy theories in court. Crazy lawyers will though. And Donald Trump has cornered the market on crazy and hiring lunatics…even if the lunatics at Fox are losing hope.

Wanna know what’s even crazier than Sidney Powell saying Trump won in a landslide and blaming Hugo Chavez? 70% of Republicans believe her.

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Not Even A Crabby Lawyer


cjones03282018

Donald Trump is going through lawyers faster than Spinal Tap goes through drummers. And just like Spinal Tap, Trump’s cases involving collusion with Russia, obstruction of justice, and paying porn stars and Playboy centerfolds to keep quiet are self-destructing.

Typically, rich billionaires don’t have a problem finding lawyers from the top white-shoe law firms in the country. Our entire legal system is designed to favor rich assholes. Even the awkward situation of being guilty doesn’t deter lawyers from representing rich people. If O.J. could hire the best legal minds in the business, you’d think a white billionaire president of the United States could find competent counsel, instead of his current collection of caveman lawyers.

From lawyers who send drunkenly-composed emails to reporters, to one who mails hush agreements from Trump’s address, to tweeting guilt from the president’s Twitter account, to counsel loudly discussing strategy in one of the busiest and most popular restaurants among journalists in Washington, Trump’s legal team has consisted of incompetent morons.

Trump tweeted Sunday, “Many lawyers and top law firms want to represent me in the Russia case…don’t believe the Fake News narrative that it is hard to find a lawyer who wants to take this on. Fame & fortune will NEVER be turned down by a lawyer, though some are conflicted. Problem is that a new lawyer or law firm will take months to get up to speed (if for no other reason than they can bill more), which is unfair to our great country – and I am very happy with my existing team. Besides, there was NO COLLUSION with Russia, except by Crooked Hillary and the Dems!”

As usual, everything Trump tweets is a lie. Remember when he claimed he was happy with Rex Tillerson, H.R. McMaster, and John Dowd and it was “fake news” reporting that they would be leaving soon?

Last week, Dowd, Trump’s lead attorney for his defense in the Russia case, resigned. He hired attorneys Joe diGenova and his wife Victoria Toensing, because he liked the way diGenova presented himself on TV arguing for conspiracy theories, but the duo had to resign because they already represent a client in the Russia case. With conflict of interest being the factor, why did these lawyers even talk to Trump? Did they just look it up yesterday morning? Did Lionel Hutz explain it to them?

It’s been reported that six law firms have rejected Trump. As one legal expert said, “It is difficult for one to maintain one’s appearance of being an ethical lawyer while trying to represent Donald Trump.”

So why is it difficult to represent Donald Trump? For starters, he’s guilty, but that shouldn’t be too much of a deterrent. Some lawyers pride themselves on representing clients while arguing that everyone deserves and has the right to legal representation. However, it’s really difficult to represent a guilty client when the guilty client won’t shut up.

Over the weekend, Trump was boasting at Mar-a-Lago that Stormy Daniels owes him $20 million for violating their hush agreement, which Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen claims Trump isn’t a part of because he never slept with Stormy Daniels. Guilty client, check. Mouthy client, check. Stupid client, check, check, check.

Trump also has a history of not paying his lawyers. He’s been sued by lawyers for payment who represented him in cases where he didn’t pay labor contractors.

Trump also refuses to listen to his lawyers. A client who is impulsive, has an itchy Twitter finger, won’t listen or heed advice, and undercuts legal strategy makes the job more trouble than it’s worth and can hurt future business for a lawyer. Lawyers drop clients who won’t listen to them, which Dowd did last week.

Finally, being associated with Trump puts you in legal trouble. Trump’s lawyers need lawyers when they work for Trump. It’s so bad, he’s not just having a problem finding competent legal help, he can’t find qualified people for staff positions in the West Wing and his cabinet is full of morons. He’ll probably fire another cabinet member this week who isn’t named Devos or Carson.

Trump is down to one full-time lawyer, Jay Sekulow, famous for being a religious commentator, working on his Russia case. Sekulow is presently negotiating Trump testifying before the Special Counsel where everyone expects he will commit perjury.

Trump said “fame and fortune” will come to those who defend him. But do you want to be famous for representing a giant orange shit weasel who took you down with him?

Creative notes: This is the second cartoon in a row with a reference to Peanuts. If the comic timing works in this cartoon, it’s because my first teacher in that area was Charles Schulz.

Here’s the video.

Please consider making a donation to keep the cartoons, columns, and videos coming. Reader contributions, small and large, really do help and are appreciated in a time of dwindling revenue for political cartoonists. You will also be supporting free speech and liberty while those in power are doing all they can to suppress it. You can also support by purchasing a signed print for $40.00. Just look at the right of this page and click the PayPal button. Thank you!

Nucken Futz & Associates


cjones03232018

Donald Trump is in serious legal trouble.

He’s being investigated by Robert Mueller, a former head of the FBI and a man who investigated and prosecuted major financial fraud, terrorism and public corruption cases, as well as narcotics conspiracies and international money launderers. He oversaw prosecutions of Manuel Noriega, the Lockerbie bombing case, and the Gambino crime family boss John Gotti. He’s also a Marine veteran who was wounded in Vietnam. Robert Mueller is not playing around.

Mueller has put together a team of the nation’s top lawyers, most of whom are former prosecutors, or still prosecutors on loan from their district offices. These lawyers went after Enron, corrupt union officials and government employees, white-collar criminals, gangsters, terrorists, spies, and money launderers. One of these lawyers was on the Watergate team.

Donald Trump’s defense against this legal dream team are lawyers willing to work for Donald Trump. Trump has a history of not paying his lawyers. He’s a client who doesn’t take his lawyers’ advice and shut up about the investigation. He won’t stop tweeting about the investigation. He’s a man who doesn’t just have a history of lying in public and to the press, he’s been caught lying in court and in depositions. Donald Trump’s word is less credible than that of a porn star.

Donald Trump publicly asked Russia to help him win the election. His son invited Russians inside Trump Tower while Trump was in the tower. Trump fired FBI Director James Comey, and then told the Russians and Lester Holt he fired him to end the investigation. Trump’s public stupidity created the Special Counsel.

Trump tweeted that he fired Michael Flynn for lying to the vice president and the FBI. This tweet implicates that Trump knew Flynn was under investigation by the FBI when he asked James Comey to take it easy on him. That’s obstruction of justice. One of Trump’s personal lawyers, John Dowd, claims he wrote the tweet, which would clear the president. The problem is, nobody believes that. Another problem is the stupidity of sending the tweet. Dowd is representing Trump in the Russia case.

Another one of his personal attorneys is Jay Sekulow who went on Fox News and claimed Trump was not under investigation while also saying Trump was under investigation. He also claimed everything said between Trump and Comey was attorney/client privilege, though Comey is not Trump’s attorney. Isn’t that sort of stuff on the bar exam?

Don McGahn is White House Counsel, and he’s been described as the “worst White House Counsel ever.” He pressured James Comey, before he was fired, to publicly exonerate Trump. He made a failed pitch for Attorney General Jeff Sessions not to recuse himself. He attempted to legally defend the Nunes Memo in the court of public opinion. Maybe worst of all, he oversaw the Rob Porter scandal, where normally the White House Counsel would have nixed hiring a wife beater.

Then there’s Michael Cohen, the lawyer representing Trump in the Stormy Daniels case. Cohen claims he paid off Daniels with his own money and without Trump’s knowledge. He claims the payment isn’t an illegal campaign contribution and it’s not linked to Trump in any way, though all his communication during the payment was with a Trump Organization email address. I’m shocked he hasn’t used the company’s fax machine to send Robert Mueller copies of his butt.

The only competent lawyer on Trump’s team is Ty Cobb, and Trump is about to fire him. Trump and the White House claim they’re not about to fire Cobb, but Trump tweeted ten days ago that he wasn’t going to add any more lawyers to his team. Yesterday, he added another lawyer to his team.

Trump has hired attorney Joseph diGenova, a man who has gone on Fox News and said, “There was a brazen plot to illegally exonerate Hillary Clinton and, if she didn’t win the election, to then frame Donald Trump with a falsely created crime. It wasn’t the Russians who corrupted the presidential election; it was the American officials at the Department of Justice and the FBI.” He capped off his statements with, “I would consider this the largest law enforcement scandal in history for this reason.”

Trump, who spent years claiming Obama was born in Kenya, loves a good conspiracy theory. He also loves to hire people from TV. The fourth-highest ranking member of the State Department came directly from Fox & Friends (I shit you not). And, diGenova fits the bill, as he’s a conspiracy theorist who goes on TV.

During the presidential campaign, diGenova claimed the FBI would charge Hillary Clinton, and she’d be unqualified to run for president. He also hawked conspiracy theories on Benghazi.

Trump attempted to hire a legal heavyweight in Theodore Olson, a former solicitor general. Proof of Olson being a smart and capable lawyer is the fact that when offered a job representing Donald Trump, he said nope, nope, nope, nope, no, hell no, forget about it, and no thank you. Early in the investigation, lawyers all over D.C. were talking about turning down Trump.

Trump is in serious trouble and I haven’t decided if his undoing will be his mouth or his penis. But, though I’m not a lawyer, I do have some great legal advice for Trump.

Just keep tweeting and talking. Tweet, talk, tweet, talk, talk, tweet, and everything will work out fine. OK, that’s great advice that will help out the nation. Trump, not so much. But, it will be good for America.

Here’s the video.

Please consider making a donation to keep the cartoons, columns, and videos coming. Reader contributions, small and large, really do help and are appreciated in a time of dwindling revenue for political cartoonists. You will also be supporting free speech and liberty while those in power are doing all they can to suppress it. You can also support by purchasing a signed print for $40.00. Just look at the right of this page and click the PayPal button. Thank you!