Not Even A Crabby Lawyer

Donald Trump is going through lawyers faster than Spinal Tap goes through drummers. And just like Spinal Tap, Trump’s cases involving collusion with Russia, obstruction of justice, and paying porn stars and Playboy centerfolds to keep quiet are self-destructing.

Typically, rich billionaires don’t have a problem finding lawyers from the top white-shoe law firms in the country. Our entire legal system is designed to favor rich assholes. Even the awkward situation of being guilty doesn’t deter lawyers from representing rich people. If O.J. could hire the best legal minds in the business, you’d think a white billionaire president of the United States could find competent counsel, instead of his current collection of caveman lawyers.

From lawyers who send drunkenly-composed emails to reporters, to one who mails hush agreements from Trump’s address, to tweeting guilt from the president’s Twitter account, to counsel loudly discussing strategy in one of the busiest and most popular restaurants among journalists in Washington, Trump’s legal team has consisted of incompetent morons.

Trump tweeted Sunday, “Many lawyers and top law firms want to represent me in the Russia case…don’t believe the Fake News narrative that it is hard to find a lawyer who wants to take this on. Fame & fortune will NEVER be turned down by a lawyer, though some are conflicted. Problem is that a new lawyer or law firm will take months to get up to speed (if for no other reason than they can bill more), which is unfair to our great country – and I am very happy with my existing team. Besides, there was NO COLLUSION with Russia, except by Crooked Hillary and the Dems!”

As usual, everything Trump tweets is a lie. Remember when he claimed he was happy with Rex Tillerson, H.R. McMaster, and John Dowd and it was “fake news” reporting that they would be leaving soon?

Last week, Dowd, Trump’s lead attorney for his defense in the Russia case, resigned. He hired attorneys Joe diGenova and his wife Victoria Toensing, because he liked the way diGenova presented himself on TV arguing for conspiracy theories, but the duo had to resign because they already represent a client in the Russia case. With conflict of interest being the factor, why did these lawyers even talk to Trump? Did they just look it up yesterday morning? Did Lionel Hutz explain it to them?

It’s been reported that six law firms have rejected Trump. As one legal expert said, “It is difficult for one to maintain one’s appearance of being an ethical lawyer while trying to represent Donald Trump.”

So why is it difficult to represent Donald Trump? For starters, he’s guilty, but that shouldn’t be too much of a deterrent. Some lawyers pride themselves on representing clients while arguing that everyone deserves and has the right to legal representation. However, it’s really difficult to represent a guilty client when the guilty client won’t shut up.

Over the weekend, Trump was boasting at Mar-a-Lago that Stormy Daniels owes him $20 million for violating their hush agreement, which Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen claims Trump isn’t a part of because he never slept with Stormy Daniels. Guilty client, check. Mouthy client, check. Stupid client, check, check, check.

Trump also has a history of not paying his lawyers. He’s been sued by lawyers for payment who represented him in cases where he didn’t pay labor contractors.

Trump also refuses to listen to his lawyers. A client who is impulsive, has an itchy Twitter finger, won’t listen or heed advice, and undercuts legal strategy makes the job more trouble than it’s worth and can hurt future business for a lawyer. Lawyers drop clients who won’t listen to them, which Dowd did last week.

Finally, being associated with Trump puts you in legal trouble. Trump’s lawyers need lawyers when they work for Trump. It’s so bad, he’s not just having a problem finding competent legal help, he can’t find qualified people for staff positions in the West Wing and his cabinet is full of morons. He’ll probably fire another cabinet member this week who isn’t named Devos or Carson.

Trump is down to one full-time lawyer, Jay Sekulow, famous for being a religious commentator, working on his Russia case. Sekulow is presently negotiating Trump testifying before the Special Counsel where everyone expects he will commit perjury.

Trump said “fame and fortune” will come to those who defend him. But do you want to be famous for representing a giant orange shit weasel who took you down with him?

Creative notes: This is the second cartoon in a row with a reference to Peanuts. If the comic timing works in this cartoon, it’s because my first teacher in that area was Charles Schulz.

Here’s the video.

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