Harvey Danger

I have gone through four hurricanes in my life, so my heart is with everyone currently dealing with Harvey in Texas. However, I can’t help but make fun of a red state that claims they don’t need the federal government until a disaster shows up, and religious zealots who blame natural disasters on liberal stuff like gay marriage.

And, not just for natural disasters. In 2001, Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell blamed 9/11 on the ACLU, gays, lesbians, pagans, abortionists, and feminists. It seemed the only ones they forgot to include was al Qaida.

Robertson also blamed Hurricane Katrina (which devastated New Orleans in 2005) on America’s abortion policy. He also blamed the Haitian earthquake in 2010 on a pact with the Devil that Haitians made to liberate themselves from French slave owners (the Devil must be a procrastinator because that rebellion occurred in 1791). In 1976, Robertson predicted that the world would end in 1982. Perhaps Robertson got mixed signals and confused the end of days with Grease 2 and “The Safety Dance.” Robertson also claimed that God told him Mitt Romney would win the election in 2012 and serve two terms. I seriously think God is fucking with Pat Robertson. He recently fell off a horse, which God didn’t feel like warning him about or that was his wrath for Patterson being a righteous dick.

In 2012, when Hurricane Sandy hit liberal New York and New Jersey, eight Texas lawmakers voted against increasing flood insurance, and 23 voted against emergency funding for victims. One of those was the biggest sanctimonious sack of crap to ever enter the United States Senate, but we’ll see where Ted Cruz stands with his state needing funding for Harvey, which some estimate the damages could reach nearly $40 billion.

Texas Governor Greg Abbott sued the federal government over environmental regulations back when he was the state’s attorney general. The Houston Chronicle’s editorial page said he “lead the charge against Obama-era climate regulations.” He also expressed concern that Obama was using the military for a “hostile takeover” of Texas. Right now, he really wants a federal government invasion led by FEMA.

The federal government will come. In fact, Donald Trump will visit on Tuesday, so Texas has that to look forward to. I think it’s awesome the president is taking time out from his busy schedule of tweeting, pardoning racist lawbreakers, and holding campaign rallies. It’s more than he did for Charlottesville.

I was born in Texas so I feel I’m allowed to make fun of them. I love Texans except for Texans who don’t live in Texas. Why? Because they never shut up about Texas. It’s the same deal with vegetarians. How do you know someone is a vegetarian? They’ll tell you….over and over and over. Same with Texans.

Creative notes: I don’t know if there are any “Yee-Haw” streets in Texas, but they do have stores that sell liquor and guns. Some are drive-thrus. Yup.

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