Houston

Get Me To The Megachurch On Time


cjones08312017

Joel Osteen is a mega-preacher who operates a mega-church that makes mega-moolah. Financially, Osteen is worth around $56 million dollars. Ethically, he’s worth a lot less.

Osteen preaches out of Houston where he promotes “prosperity theology.” His televised sermons are seen by over seven million people each week, and over 20 million monthly in over 100 countries. His sermons are broadcast daily over Sirius XM Satellite Radio. He’s written seven New York Times Best sellers.

Joel lives in a mansion worth over $10 million dollars. His cathedral is the former arena for the Houston Rockets and it seats over 16,000 people. The arena is neat, sparkly, and clean and Joel wants to keep it that way.

After Hurricane Harvey hit the coast of Texas and flooded Houston, Joel tweeted out that he was praying for everyone. As warehouses, stores, and other churches opened up as evacuation centers, Joel’s church remained closed.

The church tweeted out that it was closed and recommended several other churches where the unwashed masses could seek shelter. They claimed their venue was “inaccessible due to severe flooding.” 

Some Houston citizens tweeted out photos of the area around the church that showed it was clear from floods. The church responded with photos of their own that show the place flooded. Despite the claim that they’re flooded, the church says it will provide sanctuary after all the other shelters are full. How are they going to provide sanctuary if they’re flooded? Hmmm?

Prayers are nice. Cash is better. Joel is a big believer in cash. Perhaps he can offer Houston a bit more than prayers.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

Advertisements

Harvey Danger


cjones08302017

I have gone through four hurricanes in my life, so my heart is with everyone currently dealing with Harvey in Texas. However, I can’t help but make fun of a red state that claims they don’t need the federal government until a disaster shows up, and religious zealots who blame natural disasters on liberal stuff like gay marriage.

And, not just for natural disasters. In 2001, Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell blamed 9/11 on the ACLU, gays, lesbians, pagans, abortionists, and feminists. It seemed the only ones they forgot to include was al Qaida.

Robertson also blamed Hurricane Katrina (which devastated New Orleans in 2005) on America’s abortion policy. He also blamed the Haitian earthquake in 2010 on a pact with the Devil that Haitians made to liberate themselves from French slave owners (the Devil must be a procrastinator because that rebellion occurred in 1791). In 1976, Robertson predicted that the world would end in 1982. Perhaps Robertson got mixed signals and confused the end of days with Grease 2 and “The Safety Dance.” Robertson also claimed that God told him Mitt Romney would win the election in 2012 and serve two terms. I seriously think God is fucking with Pat Robertson. He recently fell off a horse, which God didn’t feel like warning him about or that was his wrath for Patterson being a righteous dick.

In 2012, when Hurricane Sandy hit liberal New York and New Jersey, eight Texas lawmakers voted against increasing flood insurance, and 23 voted against emergency funding for victims. One of those was the biggest sanctimonious sack of crap to ever enter the United States Senate, but we’ll see where Ted Cruz stands with his state needing funding for Harvey, which some estimate the damages could reach nearly $40 billion.

Texas Governor Greg Abbott sued the federal government over environmental regulations back when he was the state’s attorney general. The Houston Chronicle’s editorial page said he “lead the charge against Obama-era climate regulations.” He also expressed concern that Obama was using the military for a “hostile takeover” of Texas. Right now, he really wants a federal government invasion led by FEMA.

The federal government will come. In fact, Donald Trump will visit on Tuesday, so Texas has that to look forward to. I think it’s awesome the president is taking time out from his busy schedule of tweeting, pardoning racist lawbreakers, and holding campaign rallies. It’s more than he did for Charlottesville.

I was born in Texas so I feel I’m allowed to make fun of them. I love Texans except for Texans who don’t live in Texas. Why? Because they never shut up about Texas. It’s the same deal with vegetarians. How do you know someone is a vegetarian? They’ll tell you….over and over and over. Same with Texans.

Creative notes: I don’t know if there are any “Yee-Haw” streets in Texas, but they do have stores that sell liquor and guns. Some are drive-thrus. Yup.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

Planned Targeting


cjones01272016

The Center For Medical Progress created a sting operation and videos as bogus as their name. Their accusations that Planned Parenthood was selling and profiting from body parts of aborted children turned out to be a total lie and cleared by eleven state investigations. A Houston grand jury was the latest investigation and instead of delivering indictments on Planned Parenthood, they dished them out to David Daleiden, the head of the faker organization, and one of his colleagues, Sandra Merritt, on a felony charge for using fake driver’s licenses to gain access to a Planned Parenthood facility in Texas. Daleiden was also indicted on a misdemeanor count related to purchasing human organs; Planned Parenthood says it turned down an “astronomical amount” offered by Daleiden to procure fetal organs.

Karma.

Daleiden uses the defense that he uses the same tactics as journalists. Wrong. Journalism is not about presenting misinformation, no matter what the right wing believes (except on Fox News. There it will get you your own show). It’s also not about activism.

Daleiden’s agenda is to destroy Planned Parenthood. Unfortunately for him Planned Parenthood is operating within the law so to turn public opinion away from supporting the PP, he made stuff up. The majority of Americans support government funding for PP. If you’re a realist, even if you’re anti-choice, you would realize that PP actually decreases the amount of abortions in this country.

If you’re right and your argument is just and valid, then you shouldn’t have to lie. That’s the journalism part Daleiden doesn’t understand. If he gets locked up then he’ll plenty of time to think about it. Maybe he can share a cell with the guy who was so inspired by his videos that he shot up a clinic in Colorado.

Despite the indictments and the many investigations that have cleared PP, several presidential candidates are continuing with the lie. The most egregious being Carly Fiorina (who lies about EVERYTHING) and abducted children for an anti-choice speech and photo-op. Joining her in the lying liars club is Mike Huckabee, Marco Rubio, John Kasich, and Ted Cruz. Maybe Planned Parenthood will look into suing these people for slander and defamation. I think they have a case.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

Houston, We Have A Toilet


cjones11062015

It’s not every day I get to draw people sitting on toilets. Newspaper editors typically frown on bathroom humor.

I hate scapegoating. I really hate fear mongering and scaring the population as a technique to drum up votes.

I am not comparing anyone to Nazis, but we all know that’s what they did. They didn’t invent it. We scapegoated in America long before Hitler was born. We blamed African Americans, or used them to scare the population.

Voters were warned about freeing blacks. Then they were warned about them voting. People were murdered to keep blacks from voting. After that it was sharing classrooms and soldiers had to be called so children could walk into a school. Of course along the way there were warnings about what would happen to society if interracial marriage became legal. Some people still have issues with that. A family member told me recently that a mixed child (also in our family) won’t be accepted by society. When I pointed out the president as a fine example to prove her wrong that just kind of went over her head. I don’t just piss off readers. I piss off people I’m related to and they stop talking to me. But I digress.

We graduated to fear mongering about Mexicans. We’re still doing that except there’s softer language for it, though it’s not very subtle. Instead of screaming about race or skin color we use the code words “illegal immigrants” as if people are illegal.

There’s hardly anything subtle about Islamophobia. People will tell you that it’s an evil religion and they want to kill all of us, or make us convert to Islam. They will enact Sharia law. Don’t let them build a mosque in your town. We hate Muslims so much that occasionally we’ll beat up a Sikh because you can never be too careful.

Scapegoating people who are poor is still awesome for some people. Poor people blame poor people. They want drug tests for anyone on welfare, like that’s going to change your life. Even after results prove it’s a waste of time people still love the program. I hate you so you should have to pee in a cup. Leave your dignity at the door, freeloader.

And did you hear about the gays? They’re going to make you gay if we accept people being gay as something normal. Gay marriage will somehow ruin your straight marriage. let’s not forget that we can’t let them adopt because they’ll raise gay children.

Pointless blame, hate, and fear has always been stupid but yesterday it achieved new heights in absurdity.

Houston is the largest city in the country without a law making it illegal to fire someone for the simple fact they’re gay. Yeah. Tuesday the voters in that city voted against an anti-discrimination measure. What was the biggest campaign against the measure? Bathrooms. Yes. Public bathrooms. Opponents waged a campaign that men would disguise themselves as women, or as transgenders, and creep into women’s public restrooms to take a gander. They even had an all star baseball player doing commercials where he said “booga booga freaks in bathrooms booga booga.” He said he was afraid for his daughters safety to urinate in public. Who in the Hell is letting little children go to a public restroom alone anyway? Is this a thing in Texas?

Here’s the point. I have never seen security at a public restroom. I haven’t seen any measure to prevent a freak from going into a restroom other than that man/woman symbol on the doors. I don’t think any law is going to invite people with super odd fetishes to stage a freak parade into a public bathroom. The problem doesn’t really exist.

Yeah, there’s people out there with strange fetishes but I’m going to go out on a limb and say most people feel the way I do, and that is there’s nothing exciting about seeing anyone sitting on a toilet.

Ooh la la, I don’t think so.

Red Blood/Blue Blood


cjones09022015

I drew this early Tuesday morning before the latest shooting of police in Illinois.

A policeman was shot in Houston, reportedly 15 times, over the weekend. The first response from the police was to blame the Black Lives Matter movement. I haven’t heard anything about an actual motive or how the suspect got the gun. There are new reports the shooter is mentally ill.

Black Lives Matter is not to blame for a crazed individual shooting policemen. No one from the movement has said anything about shooting police. A movement trying to prevent police brutality is not complicit when a cop dies. It’s a fact there is too much police brutality toward the black community in this country. It’s a fact.

Police say they’re a target just for wearing a uniform. Nothing justifies senseless killings. Hearing the police say they’re targets sounds like another group who believe they’re targeted just for the color of their skin. One thing just about everyone can agree on is that there is heavy mistrust between police and African Americans. How did this happen? This has been cultivated by police and authority for decades. Police say “Police Lives Matter.” Of course they do. But here’s the thing: Police lives have always mattered. This whole Black Lives Matter thing, it’s kinda new. When you say “all lives matter” you’re saying let’s forget the black part and go back to the way it was…you know, when black lives didn’t really matter.

Speaking of shootings let’s get a few other things clear that’s been brought up recently by the Dumb-Dumb Lives Matter movement:

You can’t compare the shootings of blacks by police to black on black crime. Why not? Because it’s a false equivalence. If a black man kills another black man and is caught he’s going to jail. The black suspect is not authority. Courts don’t let him walk because he’s black. If a cop shoots a black man he might be suspended with pay. Too often there’s not even an investigation unless there’s a riot and national outrage. We’ve even seen situations, like in Ferguson, where the grand jury is a joke and the prosecutor doesn’t even want to go through the motions. It’s always a shock when a policeman is fired and charged for shooting an unarmed person. Can you understand why this upsets people?

And while I’m at it I will set the record straight on this: Dylann Roof committed a hate crime. Vester Flanagan/Bryce Williams did not. Roof shot nine people he had never met. He even went to a city he didn’t live in to shoot up one of the nation’s most historic black churches. Flanagan had a grudge against a former employer and shot people he knew and who represented the former employer who fired him and who Flanagan later sued for discrimination (and his suit was thrown out). Roof was motivated by hate groups. Flanagan said he wanted to start a race war and wanted to respond to Roof shooting African Americans. Flanagan also ranted about other issues and his suicide letter was 23 pages long. Again, he shot people he knew. Race didn’t really have anything to do with it.

Other people who can’t understand how comparisons work have said the gay pride flag should be banned since Flanagan was gay. Of course these people are upset for the national scorn the Confederate flag has received. Except the Confederate flag is representative of racism. It stands for white supremacy and was waved by a secession movement trying to preserve slaving an entire race. The gay pride flag represents equality for homosexuals. It is not a hate symbol and the gay movement isn’t out there yelling to enslave or kill straight people or encourage violence of any sort. A straight person isn’t in danger of a gay person killing them as much as he’s in danger of a gay person telling him he’s fashionably uncoordinated.

There’s too much senseless violence in this country. Some people want us to stop talking about. They believe talking about it and bringing it to light is more dangerous than the actual violence. If you get upset when a cop is shot, good. If you’re silent when a cop shoots an unarmed black person then you’re a troll. You apparently have ulterior motives and I can guess what they are. It’s not pretty.

We need to respect police. And police need to earn our respect. Discrimination needs to stop. We need to stop leading the world in prison population. We need to stop shooting children for playing with a toy gun. We need to stop throwing black women in jail for a busted tail light. We need to stop killing black men for selling loose cigarettes. Cops need to stop sitting on top of black teenage girls while planting a knee to the back of her neck for going to a pool party.

We need background checks for guns. We need additional laws and we need to enforce them. We need laws that limit how much ammunition a gun can hold. We need to end online sales for guns. We need to end gun shows. We need to stop leading the industrial world in gun deaths. We need to abandon the idiotic, stupid and ridiculous argument that more guns mean fewer shootings. While no one is coming to take your guns, we need fewer guns in this country.

Maybe if we work toward those goals cops won’t be shot by crazy people while just sitting in their squad car or refilling their gas tank.

Guns are a bigger problem in this nation than immigrants crossing our border. Candidates need to talk about this more. You need to talk about this more.