Harvey

Climate Cliche


cjones09072017

I don’t know which is more ironic. Conservatives who deny the science of climate change who are in areas affected by natural disasters, or the same conservatives asking for federal money for those disasters while screaming against the ill effects of socialism.

Wildfires are raging across the West in Oregon, California, Washington state, Utah, Idaho, Colorado, and Montana, and they’ve already burned over seven million acres. Houston, the Texas and Louisiana coasts are still drying out from Hurricane Harvey. Many people are estimating that the rebuilding will cost over $150 billion. That’s billions. Hurricane Irma is sweeping through the Caribbean and is aiming straight for Florida or South Carolina, and is the largest Atlantic hurricane ever recorded since they started recording hurricanes.

Your rigid partisan beliefs don’t change facts. They don’t change science. Harvey and Irma aren’t taking polls while they’re destroying your house. The climate doesn’t care what you believe, or that you don’t know the difference between “climate” and “weather.”

You’ll refuse to acknowledge wildfires and catastrophic level hurricanes are evidence of climate change, but I’m sure you’ll point out that February snow in Buffalo proves it doesn’t exist.

Like the guy in the cartoon, I’ll be rolling my eyes at you.

Creative notes: This cartoon is exactly why a lot of my colleagues don’t like me and I don’t have any friends. I make fun of them. Before we can make fun of other people, we have to learn how to laugh at ourselves. A lot of cartoonists haven’t figured that out. But in their defense, I can be a jerk.

Over the past week and then some, several cartoonists drew the guy in the water with a sign saying “climate change is a hoax.” Every cartoonist will have the same idea as another cartoonist from time to time (it happened to me last week), but some avoid the herds. At least they weren’t the same guys who drew arks. Someone lazy always draws an ark.

So, I tried to take the cliche and make fun of it while making an actual statement on the issue, while also realizing most readers won’t understand it’s a cliche. Most newspaper editors seem to love the most obvious ideas. I’ll be honest and admit that I often draw cartoons while not being sure if they actually work that well. This is one of them. I wait for the reactions. The worst reaction is no reaction.

My friend and colleague Matt Davies did draw one the other day that definitely worked. He was probably aware of all the “wading climate denier” cartoons and decided to put a twist on it. He’s one of the more brilliant people doing this job and his cartoon actually included a topic most haven’t tackled yet, myself included. I’m still jealous.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

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The Generous Degenerate


cjones09042017

Donald Trump has pledged to donate $1 million from his personal fortune to help the victims of Hurricane Harvey. Pardon me while I remain skeptical.

Why would anyone be so cynical to doubt a president’s promise of a donation to help hurricane victims? We wouldn’t be skeptical if George W. Bush or Barack Obama made that promise. We have to be skeptical of Trump because while he lies about most things, when it comes to donating money, the man is a miser.

First off, during his birther campaign, he promised to award $5 million to anyone who would produce Obama’s birth certificate. Of course, he didn’t pay up when Obama finally did release his birth certificate. Offering $1 million to disaster victims, 80% less (I think. I draw, I don’t do math) than what he offered for the birth certificate, shows that Trump puts a higher value on his racism than on hurricane victims. He would rather spend his money on evil than good.

Trump’s defenders will argue that he’s generous not just for this donation, but that he’s not taking a salary while serving as president. If we were to pay Trump his actual worth for the job he’s doing as president then the man owes us money. Also, his vacations and weekly trips to his golf resorts are costing us a hell of a lot more than his salary. If he really wanted to help the victims of Harvey then he would nix his plan of cutting $876 million from FEMA’s disaster relief account, $200 million from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration programs that help coastal states brace for future storms, and a $2.6 billion cut to the Environmental Protection Agency, among others. He could also help out the Secret Service by not charging them rent and for lodgings while they’re protecting him and his crooked offspring.

Even if Trump does donate a million bucks, the victims and the entire nation would be better served by fully funding the programs that can actually help. But again, that’s a big “if” he actually donates his own money.

Trump likes to make donations from his foundation, The Trump Foundation. But, that’s not his money. Trump has not donated to his foundation since 2008, and The Washington Post can only identify $3.9 million in charitable donations since 2001 from Trump’s own pocket. In contrast, Bill and Hillary Clinton have donated over $23 million of their own money between 2001 and 2015.

Trump brags about his charitable giving when it’s almost always coming from the Trump Foundation, which again, is not his money. It’s from other donors. On top of that, Trump has used the foundation to settle legal bills for his businesses, donate to a political candidate in Florida who was considering investigating Trump University and to buy gifts for himself, like portraits of Trump. I really hope he doesn’t send a million bucks worth of paintings of himself to the Harvey victims. They have enough shit to deal with.

During the campaign, Trump skipped a debate while having a tantrum, and held a fundraiser for veterans instead. He only paid up after the press questioned him about it…repeatedly.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who has taken over from Sean Spicer as Trump’s official liar and his own personal Baghdad Bob, bragged about the donation, but couldn’t answer when asked if it would come from Trump or the foundation. Where do you think the money would come from if it ever came, if the “fake news” media wasn’t asking about it?

On top of all that, one million out of Trump’s supposed billions is a pittance. It’s a much smaller percentage of his wealth than a ten dollar donation would be coming from you or me.

You can donate to the flood relief and take pride that you’re more generous than Donald Trump…but that would be a very low bar to set for your generosity.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

Cruzin’ And Oozin’


cjones09022017

You take one look at Ted Cruz’s face and you think, gee…if there is a god he must have really hated Ted before he was even born.

God would not be alone in hating Ted Cruz. Hardly anybody likes the guy, except troglodytes. I have a conservative political cartoonist colleague who loves him. He voted for him in 2016….TWICE. Once in the primaries and then wrote him in during the general election. You can tell a lot about a person if they like Ted Cruz. In my friend’s case, he’s an asshole.

Minnesota Senator Al Franken has stated he likes Ted Cruz probably more than any of his colleagues in the Senate…and he hates Ted Cruz.

Cruz’s fellow Republican in the Senate, Lindsey Graham said that someone could shoot Ted on the Senate floor and nobody would care. I’m sure a lot of people would care. There’d probably be a party.

Ted’s college roommate, Craig Mazin once tweeted, “Ted would leave a greasy film on everything. My friend Erik dubbed the substance “Cruhz,” rhymes with “scuzz.” Now there’s Cruhz on my TV.” He also implied that Cruz was a chronic masturbator, which is an image I don’t want.

Trump referred to him as a “very nasty guy,” and gave him the nickname “Lyin’ Ted” during the campaign. Of course, after the campaign, Trump had Ted over for dinner. I hope they cleaned the place of “Cruhz.”

Now, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is going after Cruz.

After Hurricane Sandy hit the upper-east coast in 2012, Ted Cruz voted against federal dollars to aid the area. Many, Republicans, like Christie, are pointing out the hypocrisy that NOW Ted wants federal disaster relief after Hurricane Harvey. Christie said Cruz was “disgraceful.”

He told Chris Cuomo on CNN that, “Senator Cruz was playing politics in 2012, trying to make himself look like the biggest conservative in the world.”

Cruz defended his 2012 vote by stating, “The problem with that particular bill is it became a $50 billion bill that was filled with unrelated pork. Two-thirds of that bill had nothing to do with Sandy.”

As with most things that come from Ted Cruz, that’s a lie. According to Washington Post Fact-Checker Glen Kessler, who walked through the bill line item by line item. “It is wildly incorrect to claim that the bill was ‘filled with unrelated pork.’ The bill was largely aimed at dealing with Sandy, along with relatively minor items to address other or future disasters.” 

When it came time to provide aid to his fellow Americans, Cruz left a trail of Cruhz all over that bill. He and other Texas Republicans voted against providing New York and New Jersey with disaster relief funding because they’re liberal states, and Obama really wanted to help with disaster relief. See? Ted Cruz is just an asshole.

Texas has issues. It’s a very under-regulated state. The lack of regulations encourages businesses to move to Texas. Being an oil state, Texas doesn’t have a high regard for the environment. Nor does it value a woman’s right to choose or minority voting. They do dumb things like that. The results can be horrifying, like a coastline being underprepared for a category-4 hurricane, or a manure plant exploding from ammonium nitrate and killing 15 people, or Ted Cruz becoming your United States Senator.

As I said, you can tell a lot about a person who likes Ted Cruz. It should tell us a lot about Texas. A lot of the areas affected by Harvey, like Houston, didn’t vote for Cruz. But, they’re stuck with what the rest of the state gave them.

Cruz is up for reelection in 2018. I’d suggest that Texas replace him and then start their cleanup. Not so much from Harvey, but after all the “Cruhz.”

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

Schwag And Crowd Sizes


cjones09012017

With the bar being set very low for Trump, the man is being praised for not talking about his electoral victory, Hillary Clinton, fake media, or witch hunts during his trip to survey the flood Harvey brought to Texas. However, he did talk about crowd sizes.

The day started with Melania being mocked on social media for wearing ridiculous high heel shoes for their trip to Houston. The shoes, made by Manolo Blahnik which fetch for around $600 (of course I had to look that up. Who the hell is Manolo Blahnik?), was more of a fashion statement than smart footwear for surveying a flood. Apparently, she got the memo before they touched down in Houston as she swapped out for some more practical Adidas.

But, the accessorizing didn’t stop. Trump wore his “45 USA” cap with “TRUMP” stamped on the back. In case you’re wondering, yes it’s for sale at his website for $40. I know some baseball caps go for around that price, but if you spend more than twenty on a cap, then you’re an asshole (but it’s a good price for a signed print of a political cartoon).

Melania was also sporting a cap with the words “FLOTUS” stamped on the front. In case you’re an idiot, “FLOTUS” stands for “first lady of the United States.” No word yet if that schwag will be available on the Trump website in the future.

You never saw Barack or Michelle Obama pimping out schwag while they were touring disaster areas, or at any other times. He could have plugged “Dreams From My Father” at every appearance, but I guess he felt it wouldn’t have been presidential.

Maybe there’s too much criticism of Melania’s cap and heels, but do you remember when Obama was scorned for wearing a tan suit, or when Michelle was crucified for going sleeveless…and for everything else she ever wore? It’s kinda like how conservatives forget that they used to criticize a president for taking vacations and playing golf.

The main criticism Trump received yesterday was for his lack of empathy, and for commenting “what a crowd” at the people gathered to hear him speak. I’m sure it was an impressive crowd, though those people probably would have rather had been at their homes without wading through their living rooms. Not everything is about you, Donald. Perhaps next time he should say something about the people who are going through a natural disaster. Hey, it’s just a suggestion.

Word out of the White House is that Trump is peeved his Arizona rally didn’t draw a large enough crowd. Don’t worry, Donald. There will always be a crowd outside protesting.

It’s not that Donald Trump lacks empathy compared to Obama, Bill Clinton, or even George W. Bush. The fact is, we have a president who doesn’t care about anyone or anything that doesn’t have “Trump” on his, her, or its name.

Trump cares more about his $40 shitty caps than he does about anyone in Houston. That, you can take to the bank. Preferably, not a Russian bank.

Creative notes: Yes, I know. Katrina occurred while Bush II was president, but a lot of Republicans don’t know that. Really.

Also, I’m getting tired of drawing floods, life rafts, and canoes. At this point, I’m starting to miss the Nazis.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

Get Me To The Megachurch On Time


cjones08312017

Joel Osteen is a mega-preacher who operates a mega-church that makes mega-moolah. Financially, Osteen is worth around $56 million dollars. Ethically, he’s worth a lot less.

Osteen preaches out of Houston where he promotes “prosperity theology.” His televised sermons are seen by over seven million people each week, and over 20 million monthly in over 100 countries. His sermons are broadcast daily over Sirius XM Satellite Radio. He’s written seven New York Times Best sellers.

Joel lives in a mansion worth over $10 million dollars. His cathedral is the former arena for the Houston Rockets and it seats over 16,000 people. The arena is neat, sparkly, and clean and Joel wants to keep it that way.

After Hurricane Harvey hit the coast of Texas and flooded Houston, Joel tweeted out that he was praying for everyone. As warehouses, stores, and other churches opened up as evacuation centers, Joel’s church remained closed.

The church tweeted out that it was closed and recommended several other churches where the unwashed masses could seek shelter. They claimed their venue was “inaccessible due to severe flooding.” 

Some Houston citizens tweeted out photos of the area around the church that showed it was clear from floods. The church responded with photos of their own that show the place flooded. Despite the claim that they’re flooded, the church says it will provide sanctuary after all the other shelters are full. How are they going to provide sanctuary if they’re flooded? Hmmm?

Prayers are nice. Cash is better. Joel is a big believer in cash. Perhaps he can offer Houston a bit more than prayers.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

Harvey Danger


cjones08302017

I have gone through four hurricanes in my life, so my heart is with everyone currently dealing with Harvey in Texas. However, I can’t help but make fun of a red state that claims they don’t need the federal government until a disaster shows up, and religious zealots who blame natural disasters on liberal stuff like gay marriage.

And, not just for natural disasters. In 2001, Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell blamed 9/11 on the ACLU, gays, lesbians, pagans, abortionists, and feminists. It seemed the only ones they forgot to include was al Qaida.

Robertson also blamed Hurricane Katrina (which devastated New Orleans in 2005) on America’s abortion policy. He also blamed the Haitian earthquake in 2010 on a pact with the Devil that Haitians made to liberate themselves from French slave owners (the Devil must be a procrastinator because that rebellion occurred in 1791). In 1976, Robertson predicted that the world would end in 1982. Perhaps Robertson got mixed signals and confused the end of days with Grease 2 and “The Safety Dance.” Robertson also claimed that God told him Mitt Romney would win the election in 2012 and serve two terms. I seriously think God is fucking with Pat Robertson. He recently fell off a horse, which God didn’t feel like warning him about or that was his wrath for Patterson being a righteous dick.

In 2012, when Hurricane Sandy hit liberal New York and New Jersey, eight Texas lawmakers voted against increasing flood insurance, and 23 voted against emergency funding for victims. One of those was the biggest sanctimonious sack of crap to ever enter the United States Senate, but we’ll see where Ted Cruz stands with his state needing funding for Harvey, which some estimate the damages could reach nearly $40 billion.

Texas Governor Greg Abbott sued the federal government over environmental regulations back when he was the state’s attorney general. The Houston Chronicle’s editorial page said he “lead the charge against Obama-era climate regulations.” He also expressed concern that Obama was using the military for a “hostile takeover” of Texas. Right now, he really wants a federal government invasion led by FEMA.

The federal government will come. In fact, Donald Trump will visit on Tuesday, so Texas has that to look forward to. I think it’s awesome the president is taking time out from his busy schedule of tweeting, pardoning racist lawbreakers, and holding campaign rallies. It’s more than he did for Charlottesville.

I was born in Texas so I feel I’m allowed to make fun of them. I love Texans except for Texans who don’t live in Texas. Why? Because they never shut up about Texas. It’s the same deal with vegetarians. How do you know someone is a vegetarian? They’ll tell you….over and over and over. Same with Texans.

Creative notes: I don’t know if there are any “Yee-Haw” streets in Texas, but they do have stores that sell liquor and guns. Some are drive-thrus. Yup.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.