Texas Flood

Creepy Wind Turbines

cjones02242021

Ted Cruz is a weird guy that science struggles to explain. How did a thing like Ted Cruz ever happen? Earth, big bang, sure. Ted Cruz? Somebody explain that. What’s even harder to understand than why there’s something as icky as Ted Cruz in the universe are the people who support and defend Ted Cruz. It’s even more difficult than understanding Trump supporters, which include a lot of Ted Cruz people. Ew.

Over the past week, I heard so many people talk about Rush Limbaugh being a man of love who respected people and treated them with dignity and those like me, who would draw mean cartoons about him, are full of hate. I don’t get it. The man who played “Barack the Magic Negro” on his show is to be cherished while liberals like me are full of hate for accusing him of racism? They argue we didn’t listen enough of his show, but after hearing him call Chelsea Clinton, when she was a child, the White House dog, and Sandra Fluke, a teenage college student, a slut, how much more did we have to hear?

And then I went to the Facebook page of a known Ted Cruz supporter. This guy is one of those who is tribal and he’ll attack a Democrat for a crime while defending a Republican for committing the same crime. We’ll call him Gary. Gary was livid that anyone could attack Ted Cruz for fleeing the state of Texas while it was being struck by a winter storm with millions losing power and even more losing water. Gary’s defense is that Ted Cruz couldn’t do anything about it anyway and all good parents take their daughters to Cancun as soon as they ask for it. If your children ask you to fly them to Cancun and you say, “No,” Child Protective Services should be called on your bad-parenting ass, at least according to Gary. Also, wind turbines. Bad, turbines, bad!!!

And then there’s my cousin who lives in Texas and is a Ted Cruz supporter. This one really boggles my mind. This one is disappointing because growing up, I looked up to her. She was always amazingly talented and back then, the thing I couldn’t understand was how I could be related to someone so brilliant of an artist as she was. So the first I hear from her after two decades is a blast on one my comments on social media going after me for criticizing Ted Cruz. It wasn’t just confusing, but seriously disappointing.

I know she’s smart. I know she’s educated. But then, Kool-Aid. She wrote that she knows Ted personally. She ever referred to him as just “Ted,” as if they were neighbors. She said the media was lying and nearly everyone in Texas is doing fine during this winter storm. She then went on about what a great and charitable guy Ted was who has done so much for Texas and that I was such a hater for hating on Ted. She wondered how I could be so full of hate which is oddly enough, something I already hear from my Trump-supporting older sister.

Here’s what I hate.

I hate that Ted Cruz is a transparent lying smarmy full-of-crap politician that’ll do anything and throw anyone under the bus to get what he wants, and people still support him.

I hate that Ted Cruz would so vigorously defend his wife’s and father’s honor after Donald Trump called her ugly and accused his dad of being a murderer, then go on to be a Trump defender. I hate that he does this as a Texan, and Texans let him get away with it. If every man in Texas is like Ted Cruz, we can call their wives ugly and get away with it. Maybe if I tell Gary his wife is ugly, he’ll buy me a trip to Cancun.

I hate that Ted Cruz single-handedly shut the government down for a photo-op and people still support him.

I hate that Ted Cruz was a spreader of the Big Lie that the election was stolen, then went on to enable the white nationalist MAGA terrorists who attacked our country, and still voted to disenfranchise millions of voters to steal an election…and people still support him.

I hate that Ted Cruz took an oath to be an impartial juror during Donald Trump’s second impeachment trial, then huddled with Trump’s lawyers to advise them on strategy…and people still support him.

I hate that Ted Cruz is the most hated guy in the Senate, even more hated than Rand Paul, and people still support him.

And I hate that he fled his state in a crisis and people still support him.

I hate that he lied about why he was going, saying his daughters pleaded to go to Cancun with their friends, but as it turns out, they planned the trip suddenly after the freeze hit…and people still support him. I hate that text messages reveal his wife was a big player in this, asking neighbors, “who wants to go?” and telling them how the Ritz in Cancun was offering great rates right now…and people still support him. However, I love that their “friends” hate them so much, they sent copies of the texts to The New York Times.

I hate that Ted Cruz lied and said he only intended to go for a day to make sure his wife and two daughters were settled in OK, but was actually booked through the weekend and only got his return ticket the day he flew back, last Thursday, and people still support him.

I hate that Ted Cruz was wearing a standard face mask on his departure but on his way back, made sure he was wearing one with the flag of Texas on it, pretending he loves Texas after he fled it…and people still support him.

I hate that he changed his story again and said he had second thoughts as soon as he buckled up for that flight to Cancun…basically telling us that while he was doing the wrong thing, he was having regrets for not doing the right thing, and trying to get brownie points at least thinking about doing the right thing…and people still support him.

I hate that he’s an anti-immigrant demagogue who chastises people for wanting to bring their children to the United States for safety, security, and a better life…then takes his children to Mexico for safety, security, and a better life.

I hate that Ted Cruz even left his poodle home alone during this freeze…and people still support him. I hate that the poodle’s name is “Snowflake,” and Ted Cruz supporters don’t get the irony.

I hate that he used his daughters for political cover, and this is not the first time. During the 2016 presidential campaign, he used his daughters in a political ad. He had them recite scripted anti-Hillary Clinton comments. Then, when he was criticized by cartoonist Ann Telnaes, he sent his supporters after her and even used her cartoon in a fundraising letter. I hate that when his people were threatening Ann’s life and threatening to assault her in all sorts of disgusting manners, Ted didn’t condemn that or even bother trying to call them off. I hate that Ted Cruz threatened my friend’s life while using his daughters as a shield, making money off all of it…and people still support him.

The thing I hate most of all is when Ted Cruz lies, then changes that lie into another lie, and then another lie all in one day, that he knows I know he’s lying, but he’s counting on people like my cousin and her fellow Texans to just let it go and pretend the facts are changing with each lie and keep supporting him.

So yeah. I guess I am a hater. I hate politicians like Ted Cruz but not nearly as much as I hate that people let people like Ted Cruz get away with shit. And I hate that another member of my family has turned into one of those.

And, cousin…this is my reply to your social media post. Don’t you hate it?

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What Kind Of Flood?

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Honestly, when “breaking news” about Texas was announced on my TV Thursday, I half expected it to be another mass shooting.

While flooding is terrible, especially for Houston which is still recovering from a flood two years ago, it was kinda refreshing that breaking news out of Texas wasn’t about a mass shooting. This is where we are, folks.

If there’s one place in this nation where a large percentage of the population treats their guns like their babies, and even values them over the lives of children, it’s Texas.

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Cruzin’ And Oozin’

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You take one look at Ted Cruz’s face and you think, gee…if there is a god he must have really hated Ted before he was even born.

God would not be alone in hating Ted Cruz. Hardly anybody likes the guy, except troglodytes. I have a conservative political cartoonist colleague who loves him. He voted for him in 2016….TWICE. Once in the primaries and then wrote him in during the general election. You can tell a lot about a person if they like Ted Cruz. In my friend’s case, he’s an asshole.

Minnesota Senator Al Franken has stated he likes Ted Cruz probably more than any of his colleagues in the Senate…and he hates Ted Cruz.

Cruz’s fellow Republican in the Senate, Lindsey Graham said that someone could shoot Ted on the Senate floor and nobody would care. I’m sure a lot of people would care. There’d probably be a party.

Ted’s college roommate, Craig Mazin once tweeted, “Ted would leave a greasy film on everything. My friend Erik dubbed the substance “Cruhz,” rhymes with “scuzz.” Now there’s Cruhz on my TV.” He also implied that Cruz was a chronic masturbator, which is an image I don’t want.

Trump referred to him as a “very nasty guy,” and gave him the nickname “Lyin’ Ted” during the campaign. Of course, after the campaign, Trump had Ted over for dinner. I hope they cleaned the place of “Cruhz.”

Now, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is going after Cruz.

After Hurricane Sandy hit the upper-east coast in 2012, Ted Cruz voted against federal dollars to aid the area. Many, Republicans, like Christie, are pointing out the hypocrisy that NOW Ted wants federal disaster relief after Hurricane Harvey. Christie said Cruz was “disgraceful.”

He told Chris Cuomo on CNN that, “Senator Cruz was playing politics in 2012, trying to make himself look like the biggest conservative in the world.”

Cruz defended his 2012 vote by stating, “The problem with that particular bill is it became a $50 billion bill that was filled with unrelated pork. Two-thirds of that bill had nothing to do with Sandy.”

As with most things that come from Ted Cruz, that’s a lie. According to Washington Post Fact-Checker Glen Kessler, who walked through the bill line item by line item. “It is wildly incorrect to claim that the bill was ‘filled with unrelated pork.’ The bill was largely aimed at dealing with Sandy, along with relatively minor items to address other or future disasters.” 

When it came time to provide aid to his fellow Americans, Cruz left a trail of Cruhz all over that bill. He and other Texas Republicans voted against providing New York and New Jersey with disaster relief funding because they’re liberal states, and Obama really wanted to help with disaster relief. See? Ted Cruz is just an asshole.

Texas has issues. It’s a very under-regulated state. The lack of regulations encourages businesses to move to Texas. Being an oil state, Texas doesn’t have a high regard for the environment. Nor does it value a woman’s right to choose or minority voting. They do dumb things like that. The results can be horrifying, like a coastline being underprepared for a category-4 hurricane, or a manure plant exploding from ammonium nitrate and killing 15 people, or Ted Cruz becoming your United States Senator.

As I said, you can tell a lot about a person who likes Ted Cruz. It should tell us a lot about Texas. A lot of the areas affected by Harvey, like Houston, didn’t vote for Cruz. But, they’re stuck with what the rest of the state gave them.

Cruz is up for reelection in 2018. I’d suggest that Texas replace him and then start their cleanup. Not so much from Harvey, but after all the “Cruhz.”

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

Schwag And Crowd Sizes

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With the bar being set very low for Trump, the man is being praised for not talking about his electoral victory, Hillary Clinton, fake media, or witch hunts during his trip to survey the flood Harvey brought to Texas. However, he did talk about crowd sizes.

The day started with Melania being mocked on social media for wearing ridiculous high heel shoes for their trip to Houston. The shoes, made by Manolo Blahnik which fetch for around $600 (of course I had to look that up. Who the hell is Manolo Blahnik?), was more of a fashion statement than smart footwear for surveying a flood. Apparently, she got the memo before they touched down in Houston as she swapped out for some more practical Adidas.

But, the accessorizing didn’t stop. Trump wore his “45 USA” cap with “TRUMP” stamped on the back. In case you’re wondering, yes it’s for sale at his website for $40. I know some baseball caps go for around that price, but if you spend more than twenty on a cap, then you’re an asshole (but it’s a good price for a signed print of a political cartoon).

Melania was also sporting a cap with the words “FLOTUS” stamped on the front. In case you’re an idiot, “FLOTUS” stands for “first lady of the United States.” No word yet if that schwag will be available on the Trump website in the future.

You never saw Barack or Michelle Obama pimping out schwag while they were touring disaster areas, or at any other times. He could have plugged “Dreams From My Father” at every appearance, but I guess he felt it wouldn’t have been presidential.

Maybe there’s too much criticism of Melania’s cap and heels, but do you remember when Obama was scorned for wearing a tan suit, or when Michelle was crucified for going sleeveless…and for everything else she ever wore? It’s kinda like how conservatives forget that they used to criticize a president for taking vacations and playing golf.

The main criticism Trump received yesterday was for his lack of empathy, and for commenting “what a crowd” at the people gathered to hear him speak. I’m sure it was an impressive crowd, though those people probably would have rather had been at their homes without wading through their living rooms. Not everything is about you, Donald. Perhaps next time he should say something about the people who are going through a natural disaster. Hey, it’s just a suggestion.

Word out of the White House is that Trump is peeved his Arizona rally didn’t draw a large enough crowd. Don’t worry, Donald. There will always be a crowd outside protesting.

It’s not that Donald Trump lacks empathy compared to Obama, Bill Clinton, or even George W. Bush. The fact is, we have a president who doesn’t care about anyone or anything that doesn’t have “Trump” on his, her, or its name.

Trump cares more about his $40 shitty caps than he does about anyone in Houston. That, you can take to the bank. Preferably, not a Russian bank.

Creative notes: Yes, I know. Katrina occurred while Bush II was president, but a lot of Republicans don’t know that. Really.

Also, I’m getting tired of drawing floods, life rafts, and canoes. At this point, I’m starting to miss the Nazis.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

Get Me To The Megachurch On Time

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Joel Osteen is a mega-preacher who operates a mega-church that makes mega-moolah. Financially, Osteen is worth around $56 million dollars. Ethically, he’s worth a lot less.

Osteen preaches out of Houston where he promotes “prosperity theology.” His televised sermons are seen by over seven million people each week, and over 20 million monthly in over 100 countries. His sermons are broadcast daily over Sirius XM Satellite Radio. He’s written seven New York Times Best sellers.

Joel lives in a mansion worth over $10 million dollars. His cathedral is the former arena for the Houston Rockets and it seats over 16,000 people. The arena is neat, sparkly, and clean and Joel wants to keep it that way.

After Hurricane Harvey hit the coast of Texas and flooded Houston, Joel tweeted out that he was praying for everyone. As warehouses, stores, and other churches opened up as evacuation centers, Joel’s church remained closed.

The church tweeted out that it was closed and recommended several other churches where the unwashed masses could seek shelter. They claimed their venue was “inaccessible due to severe flooding.” 

Some Houston citizens tweeted out photos of the area around the church that showed it was clear from floods. The church responded with photos of their own that show the place flooded. Despite the claim that they’re flooded, the church says it will provide sanctuary after all the other shelters are full. How are they going to provide sanctuary if they’re flooded? Hmmm?

Prayers are nice. Cash is better. Joel is a big believer in cash. Perhaps he can offer Houston a bit more than prayers.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

Harvey Danger

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I have gone through four hurricanes in my life, so my heart is with everyone currently dealing with Harvey in Texas. However, I can’t help but make fun of a red state that claims they don’t need the federal government until a disaster shows up, and religious zealots who blame natural disasters on liberal stuff like gay marriage.

And, not just for natural disasters. In 2001, Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell blamed 9/11 on the ACLU, gays, lesbians, pagans, abortionists, and feminists. It seemed the only ones they forgot to include was al Qaida.

Robertson also blamed Hurricane Katrina (which devastated New Orleans in 2005) on America’s abortion policy. He also blamed the Haitian earthquake in 2010 on a pact with the Devil that Haitians made to liberate themselves from French slave owners (the Devil must be a procrastinator because that rebellion occurred in 1791). In 1976, Robertson predicted that the world would end in 1982. Perhaps Robertson got mixed signals and confused the end of days with Grease 2 and “The Safety Dance.” Robertson also claimed that God told him Mitt Romney would win the election in 2012 and serve two terms. I seriously think God is fucking with Pat Robertson. He recently fell off a horse, which God didn’t feel like warning him about or that was his wrath for Patterson being a righteous dick.

In 2012, when Hurricane Sandy hit liberal New York and New Jersey, eight Texas lawmakers voted against increasing flood insurance, and 23 voted against emergency funding for victims. One of those was the biggest sanctimonious sack of crap to ever enter the United States Senate, but we’ll see where Ted Cruz stands with his state needing funding for Harvey, which some estimate the damages could reach nearly $40 billion.

Texas Governor Greg Abbott sued the federal government over environmental regulations back when he was the state’s attorney general. The Houston Chronicle’s editorial page said he “lead the charge against Obama-era climate regulations.” He also expressed concern that Obama was using the military for a “hostile takeover” of Texas. Right now, he really wants a federal government invasion led by FEMA.

The federal government will come. In fact, Donald Trump will visit on Tuesday, so Texas has that to look forward to. I think it’s awesome the president is taking time out from his busy schedule of tweeting, pardoning racist lawbreakers, and holding campaign rallies. It’s more than he did for Charlottesville.

I was born in Texas so I feel I’m allowed to make fun of them. I love Texans except for Texans who don’t live in Texas. Why? Because they never shut up about Texas. It’s the same deal with vegetarians. How do you know someone is a vegetarian? They’ll tell you….over and over and over. Same with Texans.

Creative notes: I don’t know if there are any “Yee-Haw” streets in Texas, but they do have stores that sell liquor and guns. Some are drive-thrus. Yup.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.