Ted Cruz’s Erotic Office Space

Today’s blog should only be read by mature audiences (sorry, Republicans), after 10:00 PM and only after you put the kids to bed.

Ted Cruz is hiring porn stars. That’s what I expect future robocalls aimed at Republican voters in South Carolina to start claiming. That’ll be a hoot.

Ted Cruz and Porn are two things one does not want to think about together. Now you’re gonna have nightmares. Just picture that face getting freaky. You know you want to. Freak.

Anyway, the Cruz campaign aired an ad about Marco Rubio and how you shouldn’t just vote for a “pretty face.” They weren’t talking about Ted in regards to the pretty face thing. The actress who reads the line has been in softcore adult films. Softcore is where the actors don’t actually have sex. They just get naked and simulate along with ridiculous plot lines and bad acting. I wouldn’t know this from personal viewings. Someone told me.

After finding out about the actress’s scandalous past they canned the commercial. Nobody has questioned why Ted Cruz is fixated on Marco Rubio being pretty. The only thing that would make this better would if the actor had a past in gay porn…or had been a horse….in gay porn. That, by the way, was the concept of my original cartoon idea but I do work for mostly family newspapers. I freak them out enough without drawing some Ted Cruz gay horse porno cartoon.

News outlets ran the headline on their tickers “porn actress tweets disappointment with Ted Cruz.” That’s not who you want tweeting disappointment with you. You just imagine Ted swearing it doesn’t happen all the time, he had a bad day and he’s been under a lot of stress, etc. Or maybe Ted is a grower and not a shower.

This cartoon might only make sense to those who watch a lot of news like I do. The Cruz campaign is also running an anti-Clinton commercial and it’s a parody of the film Office Space. It’s actually a brilliant ad that mimics the movie scene really well. In the film, the fired employees destroy a printer that had been the bane of their existence to the tune of “it’s good to be a gangster.” In the Cruz commercial, Hillary and associates are destroying a server to the tune of “it’s good to be a Clinton.” There could also be a parody of the same song for Cruz titled “it’s good to be a slimeball (told everyone Carson has withdrawn y’all).”

The only problems with the commercial, which pundits pointed out, is that it’s a cult movie and most people may not be familiar with it (despite everyone I know being able to quote it), and younger voters, or really older voters, won’t be familiar with the 90s film. That alone really makes me feel sad and old.

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