Cruz

Cruzin’ And Oozin’


cjones09022017

You take one look at Ted Cruz’s face and you think, gee…if there is a god he must have really hated Ted before he was even born.

God would not be alone in hating Ted Cruz. Hardly anybody likes the guy, except troglodytes. I have a conservative political cartoonist colleague who loves him. He voted for him in 2016….TWICE. Once in the primaries and then wrote him in during the general election. You can tell a lot about a person if they like Ted Cruz. In my friend’s case, he’s an asshole.

Minnesota Senator Al Franken has stated he likes Ted Cruz probably more than any of his colleagues in the Senate…and he hates Ted Cruz.

Cruz’s fellow Republican in the Senate, Lindsey Graham said that someone could shoot Ted on the Senate floor and nobody would care. I’m sure a lot of people would care. There’d probably be a party.

Ted’s college roommate, Craig Mazin once tweeted, “Ted would leave a greasy film on everything. My friend Erik dubbed the substance “Cruhz,” rhymes with “scuzz.” Now there’s Cruhz on my TV.” He also implied that Cruz was a chronic masturbator, which is an image I don’t want.

Trump referred to him as a “very nasty guy,” and gave him the nickname “Lyin’ Ted” during the campaign. Of course, after the campaign, Trump had Ted over for dinner. I hope they cleaned the place of “Cruhz.”

Now, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is going after Cruz.

After Hurricane Sandy hit the upper-east coast in 2012, Ted Cruz voted against federal dollars to aid the area. Many, Republicans, like Christie, are pointing out the hypocrisy that NOW Ted wants federal disaster relief after Hurricane Harvey. Christie said Cruz was “disgraceful.”

He told Chris Cuomo on CNN that, “Senator Cruz was playing politics in 2012, trying to make himself look like the biggest conservative in the world.”

Cruz defended his 2012 vote by stating, “The problem with that particular bill is it became a $50 billion bill that was filled with unrelated pork. Two-thirds of that bill had nothing to do with Sandy.”

As with most things that come from Ted Cruz, that’s a lie. According to Washington Post Fact-Checker Glen Kessler, who walked through the bill line item by line item. “It is wildly incorrect to claim that the bill was ‘filled with unrelated pork.’ The bill was largely aimed at dealing with Sandy, along with relatively minor items to address other or future disasters.” 

When it came time to provide aid to his fellow Americans, Cruz left a trail of Cruhz all over that bill. He and other Texas Republicans voted against providing New York and New Jersey with disaster relief funding because they’re liberal states, and Obama really wanted to help with disaster relief. See? Ted Cruz is just an asshole.

Texas has issues. It’s a very under-regulated state. The lack of regulations encourages businesses to move to Texas. Being an oil state, Texas doesn’t have a high regard for the environment. Nor does it value a woman’s right to choose or minority voting. They do dumb things like that. The results can be horrifying, like a coastline being underprepared for a category-4 hurricane, or a manure plant exploding from ammonium nitrate and killing 15 people, or Ted Cruz becoming your United States Senator.

As I said, you can tell a lot about a person who likes Ted Cruz. It should tell us a lot about Texas. A lot of the areas affected by Harvey, like Houston, didn’t vote for Cruz. But, they’re stuck with what the rest of the state gave them.

Cruz is up for reelection in 2018. I’d suggest that Texas replace him and then start their cleanup. Not so much from Harvey, but after all the “Cruhz.”

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

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Bathroom Logic


cjones04242016

Isn’t it kinda amazing that Donald Trump is less of a bigot than Ted Cruz? Seriously, what demographic is Ted Cruz aiming for?

Trump said if Caitlyn Jenner, formerly Bruce Jenner, walked into Trump Tower that Jenner could use whichever restroom she chose (I’m going with “she” because that’s how she chooses to be identified) and that he’d be OK with it. That sounds pretty logical and sound to me. What sort of freak sits around eyeballing restrooms anyway?

Well that set off Ted Cruz.

Ted Cruz says his daughters are old enough to know the difference between male and female. I’m really glad that the Cruz girls are more enlightened than their father.  I am assuming they saw the differences between the wee-wees and hoo-haas drawn on the walls on the cave they live in.

Here’s the things, folks. Cruz says he doesn’t want little girls in public restrooms with strange men. I don’t blame him. I’m all for that. How about this: If you have young children, don’t leave them in a public restroom alone, whether they are male or female. Don’t talk to strangers…or pee with them. Seriously, Ted? Are you going to let your daughter enter a public restroom while you remain at a table with Heidi chewing on an Angus burger, or whatever hell is required for a troglodyte to eat?

Can the argument against transgenders in public restrooms by Ted Cruz and the likes of him get any dumber? Let’s not put any money on that because it’s very possible it can get dumber, stupider, idiotic, etc.

I have a son. He’s a grown man now but when he was a little boy I wouldn’t let him enter a public restroom alone. That is, unless I was in a public place and could keep an eye on the restroom and was confident he was in there alone. Male? Female? Take care of your kids. Don’t take your eye off them in public, even when they’re not in a public restroom. I never knew Republicans and Conservatives were in the practice of letting their younglings leave their eyesight and wee in public. Who knew? The argument you’re presenting now only reveals you are crappy parents. Mr. Rogers would be disappointed.

Ted Cruz, you’re a demagogic asstwat. Stop labeling people and being, well, you. Nobody likes you and this is why. How terrible of a person are you that Donald Trump makes more logic in comparison?

Hold your children’s hands. Keep your eye on them. A pervert or pedophile does not have to pretend to be the opposite sex to make something terrible happen. Bad things can happen. Be a parent and make sure it doesn’t. Don’t run a presidential campaign on the logic that you’re going to defend every American preteen from pervos, because frankly, Ted, if I had to trust my child’s security with you, I’d move to Canada, or Mexico, or anywhere on this planet to get away from the likes of you. I am not trustTED and I don’t trust you.

I would not want my daughter, or son,  in a public restroom along with a strange man…or a strange woman. I especially wouldn’t want them alone with a Republican.

Ted Cruz and the ilk that follows you, you suck. You are the bottom dwellers of society and I hope you fade away into obscurity. That’s where the likes of you belong. If Donald Trump has greater logic than you on any issue, you don’t belong in the national discussion.

Teddy Boy, when you discuss this issue, the same way you discuss any issue, you reveal you’re not a deep or logical thinker. Basically, you’re an idiot. I do not want an idiot president. Even the idiot we had as president between 2000 and 2008 wasn’t as big of an idiot as you. You need to go away. 2016 is a little past the time of your mindset. You don’t belong here in the present and you definitely are not a part of our future.

Ted Cruz, I am better than you. Everyone I know is better than you. The United States of America is better than you. This planet is better than you. You need to go away. I’m sure there’s a hole somewhere with your name on it. If not, I will dig one and plant your name on it and send you an invitation to burrow and never be heard from again. I’m tired of you and your kind. It’s time to go away.

Never Trump? I’m down with that. But I’m much more energetic with “Never Cruz.”

Never Cruz.

By the way: This cartoon was drawn on my tablet with the stylus which is why it may not look like my regular cartoons.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

The Wrath Of Apples


cjones04202016

Have you seen those Redd’s Apple Ale commercials? Someone doesn’t know what to order and he’s suddenly struck in the side of the head by an apple, so he orders the beverage. I assume it’s red alcohol which has to taste like crap because that’s how red soda tastes. I’ve never seen anyone drink one but I imagine it’s consumed by bearded, beanie-wearing hipsters when they can afford something better than PBR.

Creepy Ted Cruz has been bragging about his winning streak. How he’s won five states in a row and Trump is fading. He was really silent tonight following his New York collapse. He was chased out of NYC faster than Washington was by the British (I was a history major, yo). Now everyone is making him out to be Texas toast…or in his case, cooked like Canadian bacon. I’m on a metaphorical roll tonight.

Cruz crashed and burned in the Empire state. He got zero delegates and only 15% of the vote. John Kasich won more than he did and people are going to forget that guy’s name next week. Now the primaries go to Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Pennsylvania, and Rhode Island where Cruz may lose all five states.

Cruz keeps making the argument that Trump can’t win the nomination without 1,237 delegates, which is a bizarre argument when he has about 200 fewer than Trump. How do you tell the convention that Trump’s better numbers disqualify him, but your sorrier state of numbers should promote you? That would be like Kevin Hart saying Michael Jordan isn’t tall enough (I was originally going with Gary Coleman from Diff’rent Strokes, but he’s dead and Kevin Hart is much more current. Plus, it seems everyone really hates Kevin Hart). I’m also baffled when he talks about the large voting block that has voted against Trump, ignoring that far more people have avoided voting for Ted Cruz. Ted Cruz is fortunate that those who have actually voted for him haven’t had to spend a minute in an elevator with him, which would make for great punishment for voting for Ted Cruz.

Cruz’s only strategy is to prevent Trump from securing the nomination. It’s not even about convincing people to vote for Cruz, just so long as they don’t vote for Trump. If they do vote for Trump then make sure he doesn’t get the delegates. The primaries are not about democracy. What’s democratic about a caucus anyway?

This race is amazing. Ted Cruz is the stupid smart guy snaking delegates. The front runner doesn’t know what he’s doing. The guy who could give Hillary Clinton the tightest race has only won one state, which he’s governor of. And get this: without someone securing the nomination then the convention starts off as a party without a host. The nominee’s campaign can’t schedule the event. It’s going to be like a drunken orgy without the fun of a drunken orgy, not that anybody wants to see a Ted Cruz-Donald Trump orgy, and nobody could possibly get that drunk. Sorry if I just put that into your head. One detail that should be added to the event is special recognition for Heidi and Melania for having to sleep with those guys.

One detail that should alarm Cruz and the Stop Trump movement is that Trump didn’t refer to Cruz as “LyEn Ted” during his victory speech. He actually called him “Senator” which is something we often forget he is. If Trump isn’t intimidated by you anymore then you’re in trouble. Trump can’t spell and he confuses 9/11 for seven 11.

I do hope Ted Cruz learned something about New York Values this week. Chris Matthews, who sucks at analogies, actually described it perfectly tonight. You can’t call the place Gomorrah and then go pandering for their vote. That’s like saying “yeah, I called you a big fat greasy ho, but I meant it in a nice way.” Now Matthews will repeat that line every three minutes for the next four weeks.

A colleague of mine made a comment last week that his Ted Cruz caricature was looking a lot like Quagmire from Family Guy. I’ve been getting that comment for at least a month. He’s Quagmire without the giggity.

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A Republican Crying Game


cjones03192016

There’s a lot of skin-crawling icky things out there you don’t want to touch. Slugs, boogers, backwash, shoulder hair, Kardashians, Ted Cruz.

Nobody likes Ted Cruz. People who went to college with Ted didn’t like him. Bob Dole, Lindsey Graham, John McCain, John Boehner, Peter King, George W. Bush, any normal sensible person in general, pretty much hates Ted. And these are people on his side.

When he worked on George W. Bush’s campaign, if they wanted a meeting to end early they’d make sure to invite Ted. People couldn’t get out of the room fast enough, if they actually attended at all.

Cruz, whose features have been noted are similar to Grandpa Munster and Mr. Haney from Green Acres, even has a neurologists studying his face to determine just why it’s so creepy and off putting and makes children and small animals cry. There’s also two viral campaigns accusing him of being the Zodiac Killer and a member of the 80’s Christian metal band, Stryper. Apparently the lead singer of Stryper is pretty distraught over this.

Lindsey Graham said if you murdered Ted Cruz and your trial was before the United States Senate, you’d get off. Now Lindsey Graham is endorsing Ted Cruz for president because he’s that afraid of a Donald Trump presidency.

Mitt Romney has kinda sorta endorsed Cruz by stating he’ll vote for him in the Utah primary. What the Hell is Mittens doing living in Utah? He was governor of Massachusetts. I digress. Romney is not overly excited about voting for Ted Cruz. I’m sure he’ll take a shower with a brillo pad after voting.

Donald Trump doesn’t advocate any policies Ted Cruz disagrees with. The GOP establishment is scared of Trump’s style, which is mostly racist, insulting and calls for violence.

A Cruz presidency is actually scarier than a Trump reign of stupid. Ted’s father and wife believe he was sent by God to save America. Ted believes our rights were granted by God, not the Constitution. He was recently endorsed by a pastor who says God sent Hitler to kill the Jews. That’s actually worse than being endorsed by David Duke. Yet, it’s an endorsement Cruz embraces because he’s creepy.

Republicans will be crying in the shower by fighting for Ted Cruz in their “Stop Trump” campaign. Talk about making a pact with the devil…or a devil who thinks he was sent by God. Republicans are giving up on the presidency this time…and trying to save the Senate and House.

The real scary thing in this entire absurd situation is that the Republican establishment has to choose between a billionaire’s massive and expensive ego trip, and McCarthyism. They’re choosing McCarythism.

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Rough night for the debate.


Here are a few roughs from today and the night’s debate. These are very rough as I drew them on a tablet.

I do wonder which is weirder? Donald Trump talking about Donald Trump’s penis or Marco Rubio talking about Donald Trump’s penis?

I was mostly having fun and experimenting with drawing on a tablet which is a first for me. I posted these on Facebook throughout the night and decided to share them on the website for those who don’t follow me there.

Now I have to do some actual work.

Republican Fun With Photoshop


cjones02202016

We all know Ted Cruz is sleazy and is running the dirtiest campaign of anyone currently seeking the presidency. That’s in addition to his general all around creepiness and unlikeability. On the day of the Iowa caucus he told supporters that Ben Carson had dropped out, and he hadn’t. This week his campaign circulated a fake photo of Marco Rubio shaking hands with President Obama. Rubio freaked out.

Is that what it’s come to? Being seen with the president of the United States can be used against you? Marco Rubio is a sitting United States senator, as is Ted Cruz. It would seem you wouldn’t have a hard time finding a photo of a senator and the president together, even of Rubio despite his rare trips to do his job in Washington. But no. Being seen with Obama can be used against you (ask Chris Christie). And they say the president is the divisive one.

I’m also amazed the media has focused more on the photoshopping of the picture and not on the absurdity of  the fear of an Obama connection. Yeah, being seen with Obama can tarnish your reputation with conservatives but Ted Cruz can hang out with the Duck Dynasty dude and pastors who advocate killing homosexuals. I don’t know if I’m freaked out more by the candidates, or people who consider voting for them.

I don’t see what’s so scandalous about being seen with the president of the United States. Any president. I can definitely see people not wanting to be seen or associated with Ted Cruz.

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Ted Cruz’s Erotic Office Space


cjones02132016

Today’s blog should only be read by mature audiences (sorry, Republicans), after 10:00 PM and only after you put the kids to bed.

Ted Cruz is hiring porn stars. That’s what I expect future robocalls aimed at Republican voters in South Carolina to start claiming. That’ll be a hoot.

Ted Cruz and Porn are two things one does not want to think about together. Now you’re gonna have nightmares. Just picture that face getting freaky. You know you want to. Freak.

Anyway, the Cruz campaign aired an ad about Marco Rubio and how you shouldn’t just vote for a “pretty face.” They weren’t talking about Ted in regards to the pretty face thing. The actress who reads the line has been in softcore adult films. Softcore is where the actors don’t actually have sex. They just get naked and simulate along with ridiculous plot lines and bad acting. I wouldn’t know this from personal viewings. Someone told me.

After finding out about the actress’s scandalous past they canned the commercial. Nobody has questioned why Ted Cruz is fixated on Marco Rubio being pretty. The only thing that would make this better would if the actor had a past in gay porn…or had been a horse….in gay porn. That, by the way, was the concept of my original cartoon idea but I do work for mostly family newspapers. I freak them out enough without drawing some Ted Cruz gay horse porno cartoon.

News outlets ran the headline on their tickers “porn actress tweets disappointment with Ted Cruz.” That’s not who you want tweeting disappointment with you. You just imagine Ted swearing it doesn’t happen all the time, he had a bad day and he’s been under a lot of stress, etc. Or maybe Ted is a grower and not a shower.

This cartoon might only make sense to those who watch a lot of news like I do. The Cruz campaign is also running an anti-Clinton commercial and it’s a parody of the film Office Space. It’s actually a brilliant ad that mimics the movie scene really well. In the film, the fired employees destroy a printer that had been the bane of their existence to the tune of “it’s good to be a gangster.” In the Cruz commercial, Hillary and associates are destroying a server to the tune of “it’s good to be a Clinton.” There could also be a parody of the same song for Cruz titled “it’s good to be a slimeball (told everyone Carson has withdrawn y’all).”

The only problems with the commercial, which pundits pointed out, is that it’s a cult movie and most people may not be familiar with it (despite everyone I know being able to quote it), and younger voters, or really older voters, won’t be familiar with the 90s film. That alone really makes me feel sad and old.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!