Politics

Boofing


cjones10042018

Yesterday, I made a huge mistake. I referred to “boofing” as a sex term. Maybe it is and was for Brett Kavanaugh when he was a young man groping women in high school and college, but there’s a much more commonly accepted definition. We’ll get to that.

I don’t know what kind of parent you are, but if your child asks you, “what’s boofing?” you’re probably going to make something up. Maybe you won’t say it’s for flatulence, as Kavanaugh claimed, but maybe something even milder, like…Hell, I don’t know. What else could it mean?

When you intentionally give your child an incorrect answer to protect them, you’re assuming their mind isn’t developed enough to know Mom and Dad is full of it. When you answer this way to another adult, you’re assuming they’re stupid and if they know you’re lying, that they expect you to be stupid enough to believe it.

You probably wouldn’t do this with another adult, less enough a United States Senator. You would think the last person who would try to make that work would be a federal judge.

Brett Kavanaugh is hoping we’re stupid and that we think the same of him while we give him a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court. It will be the first time the drunk choir boy defense won over an entire political party. This is what happens when a stupid person nominates another stupid person.

It’s bad enough that Kavanaugh channeled 4chan to defend himself by blaming people bitter over Donald Trump’s stolen election and Hillary Clinton supporters. It’s totally shucking responsibility by blaming the staff of the high school yearbook for all the dumb things about you, like the clubs you’re in.

But, you can’t expect a United States Senator to swallow obviously stupid and lying answers unless that Senator is a Republican, particularly Lindsey Graham.

No one in their right mind will believe “Devil’s Triangle” is a drinking game and not a sex term for two guys and one girl. It’s called “Devil’s Triangle” because of the danger it poses to heterosexual homophobic males that their penises might accidentally touch each other. Truly, the work of Satan. I only know this because I read and I’ve had conversations in bars. The name does not have any connotation to any danger posed to the female. I’m going to guess a guy came up with it.

The “Renate Alumni” is not the name of a group of guys who respect a girl named “Renate.” It’s used to describe Kavanaugh and each of his friends, including Mark Judge, who claimed they had slept with the same girl, who is named “Renate.”  There are 14 references to the woman, now named Renate Dolphin, in the Georgetown Prep yearbook from 1983. One of the “alumni” members even wrote the line, “You need a date / and it’s getting late / so don’t hesitate / to call Renate.” Respectful sounding, indeed.

This brings us back to boofing. In the same yearbook, “Beach Week Ralph Club-Biggest Contributor,” is applied to Kavanaugh. He claims he earned the distinction, not from vomiting from excessive drinking, but from his queasy stomach and spicy food. Sure, Delaware is known for tamales. Kavanaugh wrote in the yearbook to Mark Judge, the witness named by Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, “Judge—Have You Boofed Yet?” Kavanaugh told a Senator that it’s a reference to flatulence. Apparently, Judge didn’t just have a drinking problem, but he was extremely gassy. You’d think Mark Judge would testify against him just for that. I’d kick my best friend’s ass if he defended himself by telling the entire nation I was a farter.

So, the line, “have you boofed yet?” is supposed to be about farting” who would ask that? Or, is it about vomiting? Or, is it about sex? No. It’s worse. Much, much worse.

Kavanaugh admitted he liked beer and that there have been times when he had too much. He even deflected a couple of times by asking Senator Amy Klobuchar if she’s ever blacked out from drinking (that’s the same kind of respect he gave Renate), and Senator Sheldon Whitehouse if he likes beer, and he wanted to know “what he likes to drink.” That’s why you were there, Brett. To take drink orders from senators. Usually, people this defensive about drinking still have a drinking problem.

As he freely admits, Kavanaugh likes beer. After looking up the definition in Urban Dictionary, (don’t click that link) Oh my God, he really, really, reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally likes beer. My dad was a massive beer drinker and alcoholic to the day he died. He started and ended each day with a beer and went through a case daily, and I know he didn’t like beer this much. I have never heard of or thought of such a thing. Who would?

In case you didn’t click the link, I’ll put it this way; he likes beer to the point that he feels the need to administer it the way people administer hemorrhoids cream. Sounds like a good time, right?

Thankfully, Senator Jeff Flake was pressured to flake on Kavanaugh and demand an investigation into the charges against the alcoholic nominee of sexual harassment. The FBI, ordered by Trump, now has a week to look in on it. There were reports that they were attempting to interview people as early as late last night in California.

Hopefully, the information the FBI reports back keeps Kavanaugh off the Supreme Court and the Republicans in the United States Senate from giving us all a good boofing.

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Politics For Gobblers


cjones11212016

I know several of my clients will want a Thanksgiving cartoon this week. Sometimes I just ignore that as I’m not a fan of holiday-cliche cartoons. They can be so boring. Worst than sports cartoons. Blah! But I didn’t mind doing this one as I’ve been doing a lot of mean cartoons lately…or forever. My next cartoon will be mean.

I’ve discovered a lot of people, even my readers, love these type of cartoons way more than I do.

I don’t have to worry about the family Thanksgiving thing since I don’t have family in Virginia. If someone did invite me for Thanksgiving they probably wouldn’t be Trump fans so I’d be in the clear.

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Ted Cruz’s Erotic Office Space


cjones02132016

Today’s blog should only be read by mature audiences (sorry, Republicans), after 10:00 PM and only after you put the kids to bed.

Ted Cruz is hiring porn stars. That’s what I expect future robocalls aimed at Republican voters in South Carolina to start claiming. That’ll be a hoot.

Ted Cruz and Porn are two things one does not want to think about together. Now you’re gonna have nightmares. Just picture that face getting freaky. You know you want to. Freak.

Anyway, the Cruz campaign aired an ad about Marco Rubio and how you shouldn’t just vote for a “pretty face.” They weren’t talking about Ted in regards to the pretty face thing. The actress who reads the line has been in softcore adult films. Softcore is where the actors don’t actually have sex. They just get naked and simulate along with ridiculous plot lines and bad acting. I wouldn’t know this from personal viewings. Someone told me.

After finding out about the actress’s scandalous past they canned the commercial. Nobody has questioned why Ted Cruz is fixated on Marco Rubio being pretty. The only thing that would make this better would if the actor had a past in gay porn…or had been a horse….in gay porn. That, by the way, was the concept of my original cartoon idea but I do work for mostly family newspapers. I freak them out enough without drawing some Ted Cruz gay horse porno cartoon.

News outlets ran the headline on their tickers “porn actress tweets disappointment with Ted Cruz.” That’s not who you want tweeting disappointment with you. You just imagine Ted swearing it doesn’t happen all the time, he had a bad day and he’s been under a lot of stress, etc. Or maybe Ted is a grower and not a shower.

This cartoon might only make sense to those who watch a lot of news like I do. The Cruz campaign is also running an anti-Clinton commercial and it’s a parody of the film Office Space. It’s actually a brilliant ad that mimics the movie scene really well. In the film, the fired employees destroy a printer that had been the bane of their existence to the tune of “it’s good to be a gangster.” In the Cruz commercial, Hillary and associates are destroying a server to the tune of “it’s good to be a Clinton.” There could also be a parody of the same song for Cruz titled “it’s good to be a slimeball (told everyone Carson has withdrawn y’all).”

The only problems with the commercial, which pundits pointed out, is that it’s a cult movie and most people may not be familiar with it (despite everyone I know being able to quote it), and younger voters, or really older voters, won’t be familiar with the 90s film. That alone really makes me feel sad and old.

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Feel The Sexism


cjones02102016

You would think if you want someone to lead the charge against sexism, Bill Clinton is not your man.

Bill Clinton, Madeleine Albright and Gloria Steinem all made comments that Bernie Sander’s supporters are sexists. There have been sexist comments from some of his supporters but it’s not to the level that it’s indicative of his campaign, or the majority of his supporters. Hillary’s biggest problem is that millennials are “feeling the Bern” and people don’t trust her.

Albright said “there’s a special place in Hell for women who don’t support women.” The thing about feminism, and I know I’m a guy saying this, but it’s about making your own choices. For a lot of women, especially younger women, that choice is Sanders.

Voters are also finding Clinton very stiff and kinda programmed. She can be a good public speaker, and her speech Tuesday might have been her best yet, but she’s not carrying the passion or conviction people are seeing and feeling in Sanders.

Sanders had a huge night winning the New Hampshire Primary by over 20 percent. The primaries head to Nevada for Democrats and South Carolina for Republicans on Saturday, February 20. Then they flip and the GOP does Nevada and the Dems go after South Carolina. Here’s a schedule in case you’re a political geek like me.

Hillary has been expected to do well in those two states, but Sanders has the momentum. These are going to be actual contests now. Fun for me.

Can Sanders keep his momentum going in the South and with minority voters, who usually love Hillary? During his acceptance speech he made another call for supporters to contribute to his campaign at his website. His website crashed from the traffic.

I’ll have a commentary for the GOP results in New Hampshire, but I’ll save that for the next cartoon.

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Chatty Marco


cjones02082016

Chatty Cathys haven’t been made since the 1950’s but everyone knows what they are. It’s a pretty good insult for someone who won’t get off the phone…or shut up. The Rubio campaign should love this comparison.

Marco Rubio is a very talented politician. Of course being a talented politician doesn’t always mean you’re talented at accomplishments. You may only be talented at running for office. For years people in politics, members of both parties, have made accusations that Rubio is a talking points kind of guy. He’s good in a debate, giving a speech, conducting an interview, but he’s not good if he has to stray from the talking points, or if he runs out of them.

Chris Christie has been harping about this for a while but nobody’s been listening because he’s Chris Christie. He finally got his chance during Saturday’s GOP debate. Rubio went into his talking point about “Obama knowing what he’s doing and he’s transforming the country, blah blah blah.” Christie said “there it is. That’s his “memorized 25-second speech.” Marco responded by repeating the same talking point and Christie nailed him with an interruption and pointing out he was doing the speech again. Shortly after this exchange Rubio gave the same talking points again. Yikes. It as like going to see Skynyrd and they play “Free Bird” for two hours.

It’s the kind of thing that could be damaging. This could be hurtful on a Howard Dean Scream level.

This will probably hurt Rubio Tuesday night in the New Hampshire primary and not help Christie at all. Christie doesn’t get points because Rubio sucks. He’s just really good at being a bully and fun to watch while doing so.

Update and correction: A sharp reader of mine pointed out that Chatty Cathys were sold during the 1960’s, not the 1950’s as I had written. I actually went to the Wikipedia site for Chatty Cathy looking for information on it and still messed it up. I was born in the 1960’s but I don’t remember them (most people can’t remember that decade for other reasons). Plus, I never played with dolls for girls. I swear. I had superheroes, GI Joes, a Fonzie and even the Sweat Hogs from Welcome Back Kotter.

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Cruzin’ Over Carson


cjones02072016On Monday before the Iowa caucuses got rolling, Ben Carson decided to go home to get fresh clothes. What? Several questions before I get to the part where Ted Cruz is a total sleaze bag.

Why do you fly half way across the country for clothes? Why didn’t he pack enough clothes? Why can’t he do laundry in Iowa? Why can’t he buy new clothes in Iowa? Why can’t someone send him clothes? Do we need to have a clothes drive for Dr. Sleepy as if his house burned down, which celebrities did once for Tom Petty? Maybe Stevie Nicks has something in Ben’s size.

OK, now let’s bash Cruz.

CNN reported that Carson was taking a break from the campaign. In the first tweets from CNN political reporter Chris Moody, he reported that Carson was going home to Florida but he would stay in the race no matter what the Iowa results were.

After that Jake Tapper, Dana Bash, and Wolf Blitzer reported the Carson story and stated it was very unusual. It’s more unusual than the name “Wolf Blitzer.” But they never said he was suspending his campaign. Check it out at Politifact.

At 6:53 PM a Carson spokesperson tweeted that Carson “will be going back to Florida to get fresh clothes b4 heading back out on the campaign trail. Not standing down.” Three minutes later….three minutes, The Cruz campaign sends an email telling supporters, “The press is reporting that Dr. Ben Carson is taking time off from the campaign trail after Iowa and making a big announcement.”

Seven minutes later, the Cruz campaign app (they have an app?) sent a message to supporters that Carson “will stop campaigning after Iowa.” Then Cruz endorser Representative Steve King tweeted that Carson was suspending his campaign. The message on the campaign app told supporters to tell Carson supporters not to waste their vote, and vote for Cruz. And why not? If they want a gay bashing, immigrant hating, Theocracy slug unqualified for the presidency, well you can’t go wrong with Cruz.

Later, Cruz apologized but what happens so often when you lie you end up telling another lie to cover for the lie. Ted Cruz blamed CNN. He says they reported that Carson was suspending his campaign. Either Cruz is a bald-face liar or he lacks the ability to comprehend. Probably both.

It came up again at Saturday night’s debate, after Carson finally made it to the stage. He stopped during his introduction and loitered in the hallway. I thought maybe he fell asleep. That would make me suspect Cruz slipped him a roofie.

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Iowa. The Morning After


cjones02012016

Iowa, you cheap slut.

Every presidential candidate goes to the First In The Nation contest  and talks about how much they love Iowa and how important the Hawkeye state is to them. After the caucuses they pretty much ignore it and probably confuse it for Idaho…except for Ben Carson who will confuse it for a Baltic state.

Here in Virginia, they don’t leave. Most senators and congressmen live here or in Maryland. Hell, Newt Gingrich still hasn’t left. Cooter, from Dukes Of Hazzard, is still here and waving a Confederate flag. And though she hasn’t been elected to anything and despite running for the U.S. Senate in California, Carly Fiorina lives here. If there is a God and he’s blessing me he’ll have her run for office in Virginia.

On Tuesday Iowa goes back to being a flyover state. Sorry, Iowa. Look up. They’ll be waving.

Every four years I see cartoons depicting Iowans becoming tired and frustrated with campaigns, candidates, robocalls, yard signs, etc. I call B.S. on that. Bring up the idea that Iowa should not be first in the nation and they scream bloody murder. You would think the Iowa caucus was in the Constitution, yet it’s not even regulated by the state. After the caucuses Iowa won’t be in national news unless they suffer a terrorist attack or field a decent football team. Neither is likely to happen. Neither John Wayne or John Wayne Gacy wanted to go back.

Iowa works as the first stop for candidates. It’s a smaller state and it’s easier for them to canvas. How it doesn’t work is that its not very representative of the nation. Its population is barely over three million and 91% of the citizens are white.  California and Florida are two examples of states that would better represent the nation’s demographic, except both states don’t suffer from lack of media exposure, California would be too much of  a canvasing headache and Florida is too crazy.

I haven’t drawn a sexual reference cartoon in a while. Disgusting, right?

I needed a little break. For me that was most of the weekend. Before last Sunday there were only two days in January without a new cartoon from me. I felt a little burnt out creatively near the end of last week. A day or two without drawing, and spending time eating popcorn and changing my TV channels to non-news stations would be refreshing, especially before the campaigns really get heated. I actually left my studio for a few hours on Saturday. I never go anywhere. I’ve been a beard-growing hermit lately.

Think this election has been crazy so far? Now it’s really going to pick up. I’m stoked.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!