Governor Crackers


I shouldn’t have to write a long blog for you today since it’s nearly 4 p.m. on a Sunday and all I’ve done since I woke up has been working on cartoons, videos, and other in-house stuff for my little syndication business, but since I wing these things anyway, let’s see what happens.

I’ve been meaning to work “woke sausage” into a cartoon for over a week. It was two weeks ago that the story broke about how Cracker Barrel, not an establishment that usually comes to mind first when thinking of enlightenment, introduced plant-based sausage. The new product is from Impossible Foods, a company that makes meat substitutes out of plant-based products. It’s fake meat, kids.

Veggie meat has been around for a few decades now and its popularity is increasing. As Shaun’s mom said in “Shaun of the Dead,” a film heavy with brilliant foreshadowing, “These days, a lot of people don’t eat meat.” That movie came out in 2004 and vegetarianism was on the rise way before then.

So, when Burger King introduced their Impossible Whopper, I took notice and thought it was an interesting turn of events. Once on a road trip with my girlfriend at the time and her brother, we stopped at Burger King and he, being a vegetarian, got an Impossible Whopper. I was curious enough to ask, “How is it?” He liked it. I wasn’t curious enough to try one myself. I noticed that the calories and prices were the same, if not more than a regular meat Whopper. So, the only real reason to get one is out of kindness toward animals, though buying a veggie burger at a place that still serves meat is only keeping the cow and chicken murderers in business.

I’ve tried plant-based stuff a few times and to be honest, I’ve yet to eat one that I thought tasted just like meat…or that didn’t make me want to throw up. I don’t like them. But, if you like them, then you do you. I don’t care. So, when Burger King introduced their Impossible Whopper, it didn’t piss me off. I didn’t boycott Burger King over something I will never order. The only reason I see for not going to Burger King is that they tend to suck with everything they offer.

Disclaimer: It doesn’t take me long to get tired of Burger King and not order from there for a year or two, but I had a huge hankering for a Whopper yesterday, a real Whopper, and I ordered one with onion rings. It was delicious and I can’t stop thinking about it.

Two weeks ago, Cracker Barrel introduced an Impossible Sausage and my first thought was, “Everything on your regular menu is bland as fuck, so how good can that fake sausage be?” Seriously. Have you ever been to Cracker Barrel? I used to go all the time because my mother loved it, but it’s like they don’t use any spices. It’s the blandest place in the world. I think their food is boring (although, their breakfast is OK but I would still prefer an independent diner). That’s probably why you usually only see old white people there who believe ketchup is a vegetable.

If Cracker Barrel was a rock band, it would be Train.

But, when Cracker Barrel introduced their Impossible Sausage, right-wing troglodytes got pissed and started referring to it as “woke sausage.”

On CB’s Facebook post introducing the fake sausage, commenters wrote, “I just lost respect for a once great Tennessee company,” and “Not going to happen! Cracker Barrel used to be so good, we looked forward to eating in them but not anymore.” From these reactions, you’d think Cracker Barrel was run by Hillary Clinton and deep-state Satanic Democratic Party pedophiles serving baby parts on pizza.

It’s weird that one offering on the menu has destroyed a lifetime of loyalty to a business. I mean, maybe they could still go and not order the food they don’t want to eat. Cracker Barrell still offers the rest of their menu, right? I’m sure they still have tasteless meatloaf made from real meat (that’s the last thing I had at a Cracker Barrel and it was dull).

When I saw this story, I thought “woke sausage” was too good to pass up…but then Mar-a-Lago got searched by the FBI and I had to basically drop everything else. I thought my opportunity to lampoon woke sausage had passed…then Ron DeSantis helped me out.

On Thursday, a federal judge declared a Florida law championed by Governor Ron DeSantis that restricts race-based conversation and analysis in business and education unconstitutional. DeSantis and his goons referred to this law as the “Stop Woke Act.”

It’s interesting that Republicans love to cite the Constitution and claim that liberals are stripping rights away, but the only people taking rights away from Americans are Republicans. How do you describe yourself as a constitutionalist when you shit on the Constitution? A good way to make sure we don’t end racism is by outlawing race-based conversations and history lessons on our racist past from slavery to segregation to Donald Trump’s “build the wall.”

Look at the title of the law itself. “Stop Woke Act.” How can you ban wokeness? That’s banning thought. DeSantis’ law was stopping what he called “pernicious” ideology exemplified by Critical Race Theory. But here, he wasn’t just banning it in public schools, but in universities and private businesses.

For the record, Republicans use the word “woke” more than liberals do. Most liberals use it in jest, not as a self-description. If you try to understand the position of people who have life experiences that are impossible for you to experience, Republicans will call you “woke” like it’s a bad thing. I’m not sure how that applies to veggie sausage.

The judge said the law, as applied to diversity, inclusion, and bias training in businesses turns the First Amendment “upside down” because the state is barring speech by prohibiting discussion of certain concepts in training programs.

He wrote in his ruling, “If Florida truly believes we live in a post-racial society, then let it make its case. But it cannot win the argument by muzzling its opponents.” That’s exactly how Republicans want to win arguments, by banning your free speech so they can lie their goon balls off.

The law prohibits teaching or business practices that contend members of one ethnic group are inherently racist and should feel guilt for past actions committed by others. It also bars the notion that a person’s status as privileged or oppressed is necessarily determined by their race or gender, or that discrimination is acceptable to achieve diversity.

There’s this belief among Republicans that if you teach about this nation’s racist past, then you’re making white people feel bad, and we need laws that ban making white people feel shame. In Ron DeSantis’ fascist Florida, he’s extending it to businesses.

It’s a fact that black Americans face more discrimination than White Americans. This law bans that from being confronted. It bans businesses from recognizing it in order to end it. It basically bans discrimination bans. If your business doesn’t discriminate against a job applicant because of race, color, religion, sex, sexual orientation, or sexual identity, then it’s probably violating fascist Ron DeSantis’ Stop Woke Act.

What happened to the GOP being the party that’s friendly to business? Aren’t they supposed to be the party that fights against government regulations on businesses? Ron DeSantis has declared war on everyone, every educator, and every business that doesn’t blindly goosestep behind him.

DeSantis is trying to be Florida’s Mussolini and he’s trying to out-fascist Donald Trump. Politically, it’s working. Republicans love this fascist shit. I hear Republicans all the time say how much they want to move to Florida because of Ron DeSantis. Someone tell the alligators the buffet is coming.

Republicans are all about taking away freedom, whether it’s speech they don’t like to hear or sausage they don’t want to eat. I can tell them what to do with their sausage.

Music Note: I listened to Kaiser Chiefs while drawing this. Yeah, I know. Again. They have a lot of stuff I haven’t listened to yet.

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14 comments

  1. 1) I don’t understand why it was declared unconstitutional ONLY for businesses, but not for schools below universities. AND they wonder why FL began the school year short 9000 teachers!

    2) For some reason, I’ve been getting LOTS of DeathSantis adverts on my YouTube browsing . . . all about how ‘Florida is the freest state in the nation’. Luckily, the mute button is only one click away.

    It’s unfortunate that the only two Democratic gubernatorial candidates during this Tuesday’s primary are a former Rethuglican who is, most likely, still one despite his ‘change of allegiance’, and a woman who is not widely known unless you followed the FL news during the COVID lockdown time. She’ll get our vote, but I know it’s an exercise in futility.

    Like

  2. To each his own and I’m not trying to convert anyone, but Impossible sausage is quite good. Its texture and flavor comes very close to standard breakfast sausage.
    I suspect many customers wouldn’t know the difference if they were served the veg version.
    What’s truly hilarious is the towering rage the new Cracker Barrel offering has triggered in right-wingers. It’s not like they’re forced to eat the veg sausage, they
    just can’t bear the fact it’s on the menu. Talk about snowflakes …

    Liked by 2 people

    1. “It’s not like they’re forced to eat the veg sausage, . . .”

      Well, isn’t that the same as the ruling on abortion? NO ONE IS FORCING ANYONE TO GET ONE, and MOST of the folks voting to ban it are men.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. cracker barrel, red lobster, Olive garden, burger king, wendys, macdonalds, Papa John pizza, taco bell, KFC etc… One person loves it another hates it … the beat goes on. I just saw a report on starvation in the Horn of Africa …a devastating hunger crisis in Ethiopia, Kenya, Somalia, and South Sudan.
    Americans are so fortunate ,,, and so bitterly spoiled rotten to the core and exceptional …. some of them.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Personally, anyone who calls me a “Woke $&%/*_=!” I thank them for recognizing I know how to think for myself. I question everything I hear before agreeing or disagreeing, and a number of people tell me I’m wrong to not trust a Repugh who tries to tell me something.
    Anyone who can sign into law a law that stops people from thinking for themselves is not a believer in keeping government out of people’s private lives, which if I REMEMBER CORRECTLY is a mainstay of Repughlican political theory. Now Repughs want to control our thoughts, ideas, and beliefs. That is TOTAL GOVERNMENT CONTROL! Who the fuck does DuhSantis think he is dealing with, a bunch of newborns? Get to them before anyone else does and he can brainwash them!

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Maybe try the impossible bergler sometime. We want you to live long and keep up the good fight! Let the Crazies keep killing themselves with all that salt and saturated fat. It might be what it takes to get our planet back.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Reblogged this on It Is What It Is and commented:
    I live in FloriDUH!! And DeSantis sucks bit time!! … “DeSantis is trying to be Florida’s Mussolini and he’s trying to out-fascist Donald Trump. Politically, it’s working. Republicans love this fascist shit. I hear Republicans all the time say how much they want to move to Florida because of Ron DeSantis.”

    Like

  7. I am proud of being woke! Like you, I don’t care for the plant-based meat substitutes, but I don’t eat much meat anyway … chicken or fish once or twice a week is all. But, I am ‘woke’ in the ways that count and I applaud those who are doing everything in their power to a) save the planet, b) help people in need, c) provide a good liberal arts education for ALL, not just the wealthy, and d) make people a priority over profit. And like rawgod, when people call me a ‘snowflake’ or ‘woke’, I thank them, for I truly see it as a compliment (even though I know they didn’t intend it that way).

    Liked by 3 people

  8. I hear Republicans all the time say how much they want to move to Florida because of Ron DeSantis. Someone tell the alligators the buffet is coming.

    Thanks for the mental image, and the laugh, those two lines of your blog put into my head:

    One of these goobers comes to Florida and takes a walk next to a lake. Someone calls out to them warning that they shouldn’t walk so close to a lake in Florida and they scoff at the warning. “What’s the matter, you some kind of woke librul? There ain’t nothin’ wrong with walking close to a la… YOW! HELP! GLub glub glub.”

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Like zucchini, veggie burgers are ok if you slather them with enough condiments/coatings/sugar etc etc

    If the gators get sated, there are plenty of carpetbagging pythons in Florida too aren’t there ?

    Liked by 1 person

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