Woke

Woke Hurricane


I have a lot of friends in Florida, as I’m sure you do as well. At the rate people are moving to the Sunshine State (making it the third most populous in the nation), it’s probably impossible not to know someone in Florida. And I’m concerned for my friends in Florida. I don’t want to call them “Floridians” because some of them truly don’t like it there and would take offense to the label. But still, they live there nonetheless.

I’m concerned for my friends in Florida because of Hurricane Ian, which is making a beeline for my friend Karen’s house (who definitely doesn’t want to be labeled as a “Floridian”). This is a bad storm and I’m afraid there will be a staggering loss of lives in addition to the billions in property damage. Plus, Karen just put in a new pool. I tell her every day to check for alligators before diving in. After this storm, she might find manatees in her pool.

I’m concerned for my friends at the Sarasota News-Tribune because I can’t afford to lose another client. Seriously, hang in there, guys. I’m thinking of you.

It’s not just the hurricane that scares me for the good people who live in Florida. I’m also scared for them because of the largest threat to the state, Republicans.

Republicans are in charge of the state. They have the governorship and the legislature. With that, they’re making a lot of stupid and racist laws. They’re crafting laws that harm their state just to own the liberals. They unloaded a huge tax burden on Floridians to spite Disney.

They’re making it illegal to teach any American history that would make white kids feel guilty. They’re outlawing compassion in schools as they outlawed “gay” curriculums. They’re banning books. They literally passed a law against “wokeness” in business and higher education, which was struck down by a court. They passed a law making it legal to run over Black Lives Matter protesters with your car (yes, they did this). Governor Ron DeSantis made the state less safe during the COVID pandemic, forcing students and teachers to go to schools without face masks. He publicly shamed students for wearing face masks by scolding them while pointing his pointy racist finger at them. And, DeSantis is removing elected Democrats from office.

On top of all that, Republicans deny that Climate Change exists while filling sandbags for an approaching category 4 hurricane. But it’s OK. The hurricane is named “Ian,” which is a nice Scottish name. Now, if it was a Hurricane Carlos, Hurricane Maria, Hurricane Lopez, or Hurricane Jesus, then I’m sure DeSantis and his fellow goons would be blaming Biden and say he opened the border for illegal hurricanes. It’s a hurricane invasion.

A Hurricane Alejandro will take your job. A Hurricane Emilia will be a welfare queen. A Hurricane Diego will never bother to learn English. Hurricane Isadora will never assimilate. Hurricane Estaban will leer at your white daughter. Hurricane Lorenzo will illegally vote Democratic. Hurricane Fernando is probably a member of MS-13. Hurricane Juanita will put a taco truck on every corner. A Hurricane Pablo will lie and tell you Taco Bell isn’t authentic Mexican cuisine. Oh no! And if you really wanna see them lose their shit, wait until Hurricane Mohammed arrives.

But don’t worry too much. This hurricane is an Ian if you listen to Trump, Ians don’t come from shit-hole countries. Nobody’s deporting Ians to Martha’s Vineyard. We don’t need a wall to protect us from Ians.

By the way, the water keeps getting higher and higher on those Florida hurricane walls. I wonder why.

Now, I really want a taco.

By the way, I have a nephew named Ian who I have never met, but I hear he can be a hurricane.

Creative note: I started this cartoon yesterday morning and right after I had it spellchecked by Laura and Hilary, I thought of the Sharpie/hurricane cartoon. I liked that one much better and decided to do it then, pushing this one aside. I had decided this one would be placed on the back burner until the next hurricane, if not dead forever…but I changed my mind this morning. I still liked it.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are 19 copies of my book in stock, which go for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402.

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Governor Crackers


I shouldn’t have to write a long blog for you today since it’s nearly 4 p.m. on a Sunday and all I’ve done since I woke up has been working on cartoons, videos, and other in-house stuff for my little syndication business, but since I wing these things anyway, let’s see what happens.

I’ve been meaning to work “woke sausage” into a cartoon for over a week. It was two weeks ago that the story broke about how Cracker Barrel, not an establishment that usually comes to mind first when thinking of enlightenment, introduced plant-based sausage. The new product is from Impossible Foods, a company that makes meat substitutes out of plant-based products. It’s fake meat, kids.

Veggie meat has been around for a few decades now and its popularity is increasing. As Shaun’s mom said in “Shaun of the Dead,” a film heavy with brilliant foreshadowing, “These days, a lot of people don’t eat meat.” That movie came out in 2004 and vegetarianism was on the rise way before then.

So, when Burger King introduced their Impossible Whopper, I took notice and thought it was an interesting turn of events. Once on a road trip with my girlfriend at the time and her brother, we stopped at Burger King and he, being a vegetarian, got an Impossible Whopper. I was curious enough to ask, “How is it?” He liked it. I wasn’t curious enough to try one myself. I noticed that the calories and prices were the same, if not more than a regular meat Whopper. So, the only real reason to get one is out of kindness toward animals, though buying a veggie burger at a place that still serves meat is only keeping the cow and chicken murderers in business.

I’ve tried plant-based stuff a few times and to be honest, I’ve yet to eat one that I thought tasted just like meat…or that didn’t make me want to throw up. I don’t like them. But, if you like them, then you do you. I don’t care. So, when Burger King introduced their Impossible Whopper, it didn’t piss me off. I didn’t boycott Burger King over something I will never order. The only reason I see for not going to Burger King is that they tend to suck with everything they offer.

Disclaimer: It doesn’t take me long to get tired of Burger King and not order from there for a year or two, but I had a huge hankering for a Whopper yesterday, a real Whopper, and I ordered one with onion rings. It was delicious and I can’t stop thinking about it.

Two weeks ago, Cracker Barrel introduced an Impossible Sausage and my first thought was, “Everything on your regular menu is bland as fuck, so how good can that fake sausage be?” Seriously. Have you ever been to Cracker Barrel? I used to go all the time because my mother loved it, but it’s like they don’t use any spices. It’s the blandest place in the world. I think their food is boring (although, their breakfast is OK but I would still prefer an independent diner). That’s probably why you usually only see old white people there who believe ketchup is a vegetable.

If Cracker Barrel was a rock band, it would be Train.

But, when Cracker Barrel introduced their Impossible Sausage, right-wing troglodytes got pissed and started referring to it as “woke sausage.”

On CB’s Facebook post introducing the fake sausage, commenters wrote, “I just lost respect for a once great Tennessee company,” and “Not going to happen! Cracker Barrel used to be so good, we looked forward to eating in them but not anymore.” From these reactions, you’d think Cracker Barrel was run by Hillary Clinton and deep-state Satanic Democratic Party pedophiles serving baby parts on pizza.

It’s weird that one offering on the menu has destroyed a lifetime of loyalty to a business. I mean, maybe they could still go and not order the food they don’t want to eat. Cracker Barrell still offers the rest of their menu, right? I’m sure they still have tasteless meatloaf made from real meat (that’s the last thing I had at a Cracker Barrel and it was dull).

When I saw this story, I thought “woke sausage” was too good to pass up…but then Mar-a-Lago got searched by the FBI and I had to basically drop everything else. I thought my opportunity to lampoon woke sausage had passed…then Ron DeSantis helped me out.

On Thursday, a federal judge declared a Florida law championed by Governor Ron DeSantis that restricts race-based conversation and analysis in business and education unconstitutional. DeSantis and his goons referred to this law as the “Stop Woke Act.”

It’s interesting that Republicans love to cite the Constitution and claim that liberals are stripping rights away, but the only people taking rights away from Americans are Republicans. How do you describe yourself as a constitutionalist when you shit on the Constitution? A good way to make sure we don’t end racism is by outlawing race-based conversations and history lessons on our racist past from slavery to segregation to Donald Trump’s “build the wall.”

Look at the title of the law itself. “Stop Woke Act.” How can you ban wokeness? That’s banning thought. DeSantis’ law was stopping what he called “pernicious” ideology exemplified by Critical Race Theory. But here, he wasn’t just banning it in public schools, but in universities and private businesses.

For the record, Republicans use the word “woke” more than liberals do. Most liberals use it in jest, not as a self-description. If you try to understand the position of people who have life experiences that are impossible for you to experience, Republicans will call you “woke” like it’s a bad thing. I’m not sure how that applies to veggie sausage.

The judge said the law, as applied to diversity, inclusion, and bias training in businesses turns the First Amendment “upside down” because the state is barring speech by prohibiting discussion of certain concepts in training programs.

He wrote in his ruling, “If Florida truly believes we live in a post-racial society, then let it make its case. But it cannot win the argument by muzzling its opponents.” That’s exactly how Republicans want to win arguments, by banning your free speech so they can lie their goon balls off.

The law prohibits teaching or business practices that contend members of one ethnic group are inherently racist and should feel guilt for past actions committed by others. It also bars the notion that a person’s status as privileged or oppressed is necessarily determined by their race or gender, or that discrimination is acceptable to achieve diversity.

There’s this belief among Republicans that if you teach about this nation’s racist past, then you’re making white people feel bad, and we need laws that ban making white people feel shame. In Ron DeSantis’ fascist Florida, he’s extending it to businesses.

It’s a fact that black Americans face more discrimination than White Americans. This law bans that from being confronted. It bans businesses from recognizing it in order to end it. It basically bans discrimination bans. If your business doesn’t discriminate against a job applicant because of race, color, religion, sex, sexual orientation, or sexual identity, then it’s probably violating fascist Ron DeSantis’ Stop Woke Act.

What happened to the GOP being the party that’s friendly to business? Aren’t they supposed to be the party that fights against government regulations on businesses? Ron DeSantis has declared war on everyone, every educator, and every business that doesn’t blindly goosestep behind him.

DeSantis is trying to be Florida’s Mussolini and he’s trying to out-fascist Donald Trump. Politically, it’s working. Republicans love this fascist shit. I hear Republicans all the time say how much they want to move to Florida because of Ron DeSantis. Someone tell the alligators the buffet is coming.

Republicans are all about taking away freedom, whether it’s speech they don’t like to hear or sausage they don’t want to eat. I can tell them what to do with their sausage.

Music Note: I listened to Kaiser Chiefs while drawing this. Yeah, I know. Again. They have a lot of stuff I haven’t listened to yet.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are 19 copies of my book in stock, which go for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402.

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Scaredy MAGAts


Cjones07062021

In the comments under yesterday’s cartoon on Instagram, I was called a “libtard.” I didn’t think it was that special though it’s been a while since someone has hurled that bigoted and ignorant insult in my direction. And I didn’t just get it once. I got it four times. It amused me so I tweeted about it…which lead to me being called the word about 17 more more times on Twitter.

First off, to the liberals who replied that I should throw it back at them with something like “Trumptard,” you’re missing the point. We don’t sink to their level and you don’t fight bigotry with bigotry. If you still don’t know what I’m talking about, I’ll be more direct: Don’t use the word, “tard.” Don’t justify it.

Normally, goons call me something like “snowflake.” They think that’s clever. It’s been over four years but that still gets chuckles from them. I love that they use that word, because it’s another example of conservative projection. You see, conservatives are cowards to the point they’re afraid of tiny little thing, like a gay player in the NFL, to the “WAP” song, to losing their white privilege, and to things that don’t even exist, like Jewish Space Lasers.

For example: Republicans have been screaming about communism and Sharia law for years, yet it hasn’t happened here. Another example of projection is their campaigning for their own version of Sharia law.

And if you don’t believe me that Republicans are huge cowards and are constantly snowflaking about shit, just turn on Tucker. He cries about everything and especially if it’s stuff that doesn’t exist. He is the center of the cowardly universe for Republicans who tune in nightly to see what they should be afraid of tomorrow.

This July 4th, fireworks may send your sweet doggy hiding underneath your bed out of fear and anxiety, but Bowser ain’t got nothing on Tucker. Tucker probably sleeps under his bed every night, and unlike in this cartoon, he probably takes the Trumpy Bear with him. And, if you have named your dog after Tucker, that is animal cruelty.

Right now, Republicans have so much to be afraid of that will never hurt them. Stuff like Critical Race Theory, Jewish Space Lasers, Italian satellites, Chinese bamboo ballots, Levar Burton hosting Jeopardy!, gay football players, Ilhan Omar, Nancy Pelosi, Kamala Harris, Hilary Clinton, Sandra Fluke (let’s bring her back), Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (women in general), Juneteenth, trans athletes (this is the hot one for the moment), taking down Confederate statues, Black Lives Matter, Antifa, woke generals, and me. Actually, I’m the only one you should be afraid of and I’m coming to getcha.

When I started this cartoon, I already had some of these topics in my head…but I needed to be reminded what else they’re afraid of, which forced me to look at some stuff I didn’t want to look at.

Lately, I’ve been trying to cut negativity out of my life. That means no looking at Trumper pages on social media, no looking at conservative political cartoons, and no watching Fox News, which I never do anyway. But, to see the current fears, I had to go look at some. It was either that or call one of my MAGAt sisters. No thanks!

First thing I did was check out the Facebook page of one cartoonist, who is not my friend, but is afraid of everything and is always posting about it. He’s on the pulse of right-wing bullshit which can come in helpful for research. Right now his main fears are the vaccine, trans people, and President Biden whispering. He’s also afraid of having his white privilege taken away and it’s obvious he hates black people. He also has a weird Led Zeppelin fetish. It is weird for a 60-year-old man to post 18 shirtless-Robert Plant pictures a day, right?

Then I looked at some cartoons from a bunch of them and…HOLY SHIT!!!!! Did you hear about this trans thing? Apparently, they’re going to shower with us, win beauty pageants, and steal gold medals at the Olympics. This is a major crisis in conservative media. Also, they’re never watching the NFL again…again.

And then, I did what I really didn’t want to do. I went to Breitbart. Ugh. Breitbart used to, and maybe they still do, have an entire section devoted to “black on black crime.” It’s like the racist section but they couldn’t call it the “racist” section. Today’s headlines at the Breitbart include scary stories about trans people, black people, CNN, Critical Race Theory, Biden eating ice cream (that sonofabitch!), gays, more trans people, another Critical Race Theory story, covid this and covid that, immigrants, more trans people, more Critical Race Theory, more immigrants, more black people, more trans people, Critical Race Theory again, and Tucker Carlson is probably right about being spied on by the NSA…and more trans stories. Nothing about aliens, at least not on the front page.

Conservatives are really afraid of EVERYTHING. They need help for their anxiety but I can’t find anything on the web about how to soothe and calm a MAGAt suffering from loud noises. So, I decided to take the tips for dogs suffering from firework anxiety and apply it to dumbass racist Republican conspiracy theorists. Maybe one of these can keep your MAGAt from scurrying under your bed and piddling. MAGAt piddle is just the worst.

Tip 1: Ask your vet for a sedative. I’m sure any sedative designed for your fur baby will also work on your MAGAt baby. Just don’t be tempted to give them the entire bottle because it’ll sure be nice if you don’t see them for a few days. I understand the temptation. Also, don’t hit them in the head with a hammer, though again, I understand the temptation.

Tip 2: Hold them close and say, “shhhh. It’ll be alright. AOC isn’t coming to get you.” This may not work as nobody wants to hold a MAGAt close to their own body. Ew.

Tip 3: Give them a treat. Raw bacon, waffle fries from Chick-fil-A, a sandwich from Cheesecake Factory, or just a block of raw butter from Cracker Barrell may get them excited long enough not to notice CNN ran a special on the Tulsa Massacre.

Tip 4: Belly rubs. MAGAts love a good belly tickle. But once again, this would mean you have to touch them. Also, most MAGAts are sticky. You’ve been warned.

Tip 5: Tell them you’re trans. They’ll probably jump out the window and you’ll never see them again. That advice wasn’t on the doggy site because people love dogs and want to see them again. Have you ever heard of anyone adopting a lost MAGAt? No, you have not.

Tip 6: Buy your MAGAt a one-way bus trip to Jacksonville and let him be their problem. Jacksonville won’t notice. It’s not like they’ll say, “Hey, have you noticed Jacksonville has been a lot more Jacksonvilley?”

Tip 7: Turn off Fox News. You shouldn’t let your dog watch Fox News either as that’s animal cruelty.

Tip 8: The doggy site says to familiarize your pet to the sounds, but I think if you repeat “Ilhan Omar” too often, your MAGAt may leap into a ceiling fan. But then again, win-win except for the mess. MAGAts are sticky on the inside too…we think. It may just be a lot of coal.

Tip 9: Did I mention the one-way bus ticket to Jacksonville? I did? Never mind.

Tip 10: Distraction: Someone should produce and sell mobiles with Trump’s face on them. If you put that above a MAGAts bed, he may not notice anything else. See if you can work some Benadryl into the baby bottle.

Tip 11: Ball gag.

Tip 12: Get him a Thundershirt. Be warned, they don’t work on everybody. For instance, they don’t work on Beagles. But, Beagles are way smarter than MAGAts and are fooled less easily. You never heard a Beagle bitch about immigration…unless you immigrated a cat into the house. Speaking of cats, there are Thundershirts for cats. Putting a Thundershit on a MAGAt has gotta be a hell of a lot easier than putting a shirt on a cat. Also, thundershirts use velcro, so like a MAGAts shoes, they may be able to put them on by themselves. As I recall though, you had to slide arms in, fold one piece over another, then fold the piece that has the velcro…never mind. It’s way too complicated for a MAGAt and you’re gonna have to help him.

If none of these work, there’s the hammer idea and you can probably get that one-way bus ticket to Jacksonville for about $80.00. Hell, that’s twice the price of a Thundershirt.

Last tip: Stop with the fireworks. What are you, six? Get over it already.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are ZERO copies of my book in stock, which usually go for $45.00 each, signed. Another order will be placed soon. You may pre-order if you want. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

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Woke For Trump


cjones03072020

There are mysteries in the world and some things you just can’t explain, like how does Matthew McConaughey have an Oscar? Why? Why? Why? Doesn’t make sense, does it? But you have to understand that not everything fits stereotypes and expectations, like having an Oscar doesn’t really mean you’re a good actor or that a Grammy means you’re a good musician…or even a musician.

But people are not monoliths. Not every European teenager is enlightened and cares about the planet. While Sweden’s Greta Thunberg is out there fighting for climate awareness, there’s Naomi Seibt from Germany, who the Heartland Institute (a right-wing think tank) is using to debunk science while also saying white nationalism is an “inspiration.” I guess the Nazi from Ace of Base was busy.

Donald Trump only got 8 percent of the black vote in 2016. What I wonder is, “why so high?” A Public Religion Research Institute poll taken last December said 83 percent of black Americans don’t approve of Trump. Again, why so low?

And while Donald Trump can have a bunch of black supporters in the Oval Office declaring he’s not a racist, a Washington Post-Ipsos poll found that 83 percent (same number as the other poll) of African Americans believe Donald Trump is a racist. That’s the thing Republicans don’t get which proves they are racist. The black friend defense doesn’t work.

Republicans, pay attention and read it slowly: Labeling somebody does not mean you’re not a racist. Having a friend who is black is not a get out of racist jail free card. Even being married to someone of a different race and having children together doesn’t mean you’re not a racist. Strom Thurmond fucked black women. And I know what you’re thinking. Why did anybody fuck Strom Thurmond?

I can tell you Louis Farrakhan doesn’t hate white people, but my whiteness doesn’t make me an authority on it. For every black person you can find wearing a T-Shirt that reads, “Donald Trump is not a racist,” I can give you eight who will tell you, “Yes, he is.” That’s because Donald Trump is a racist. Oh, and for the record: Most people wearing “Blacks for Trump” T-Shirts look like they should be in Ace of Base and probably fucking Strom Thurmond.

Donald Trump’s campaign is opening 15 field offices in cities with large African-American populations, in an attempt to court black voters this November. He may as well be opening CD stores that only sell “Ice, Ice, Baby” or better yet, put Stephen Miller in the middle of Watts handing out copies of La La Land (I’d like to see that). In addition, Trump’s website is now selling T-Shirts with the word “Woke” on them. Trump may as well be selling shirts that read “C2H6 + O2 → 2CO2 + 3H2O” because he doesn’t understand what that means either.

Also, don’t create a monolith about blacks for Trump and say that they must be very stupid. That’s not fair. All Trump supporters are stupid.

While you, I, and surely the majority of black Americans, don’t understand Blacks for Trump, you have to remember that Charlie the Tuna wanted you to eat tuna.

Blacks for Trump is a huge mystery because Donald Trump is a racist who defends Nazis and makes a lot of racist comments like, “shithole countries,” “send them back, “there’s my African American,” “Execute the Central Park Five,” “Fire that sonofabitch,” people from Nigeria who come to this country will never “go back to their huts,” Haitians “all have AIDS,” or the entire birtherism campaign against President Barack Obama. You know Donald Trump doesn’t care about black people. But why should black Trump supporters be any different than white Trump supporters?

Because Donald Trump doesn’t care about them either.

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