Rudy Tooty Colludy Subpoodied

The January 6 Committee has issued subpoenas for Jenna Ellis, Boris Epshteyn (you can’t have a good Trump controversy without a Boris), Sidney Powell, and Rudy Giuliani. This should be fun.

Jenna Ellis drafted a memo on how then-President (sic) Trump could invalidate the election results by exploiting an obscure law. Sidney Powell worked on election lawsuits, spread wild conspiracy theories about voting machines, China, George Soros, the Clintons, and Hugo Chavez, all while raising money on the Big Lie. And Boris chased down false allegations of voter fraud in Arizona and Nevada and worked with the Trump administration (sic) to delay the certification of Biden’s election victory. But Rudy….oh, Rudy. Sweet, sweet Rudy.

Rudy Giuliani, who some still call “America’s Mayor,” is an international embarrassment. Being a Trump sycophant is bad enough, but to go from America’s Mayor to a ridiculous lying farty Trump poodle with leaky hair that people are laughing at is something totally original.

Rudy Giuliani was an embarrassment making contradictory claims on CNN and Fox News. He eventually made his lies exclusive to Fox News as CNN anchors kept asking him real questions, like, “Did you just admit to something you had just denied?”. Fun stuff.

Remember when Trump claimed he had no knowledge about hush payments to porn star Stormy Daniels who he had raw-dogged in a Las Vegas hotel room after she spanked him with a rolled-up magazine that had his daughter’s photo on it, and then Rudy went on Hannity and told him the president (sic) paid back Cohen after he had “funneled” the money to Stormy Daniels? Remember Hannity’s face when learning this information after previously using his show to declare how there had never been any hush payments? Remember Hannity’s face when he asked, “funneled”?

Remember when Trump said there was no quid pro quo by withholding military aid from Ukraine until they announced they were investigating Joe Biden, and then a tape came out with Giuliani offering Ukraine officials a quid pro quo and that their president could be invited to the United States and have a meeting with Trump if the investigations were announced? Good times.

After the election, Giuliani brought failed lawsuits and hearings to state legislators to overturn the election. He advised Trump to seize voting machines. He spread lies about Dominion Voting Systems, the company that provided the voting machines, who are now suing Giuliani for billions. Yes, billions with a “B”.

Remember when Giuliani scheduled a press conference at the Four Seasons Hotel in Pennsylvania, but fucked up and scheduled it in the parking lot at Four Seasons Total Landscaping, which was next to a sex shop? Remember how he went ahead and held the press conference anyway?

Remember the press conference where Rudy’s hair started leaking black goo?

Remember the legislative hearing when Rudy was farty?

Remember the hearing before the Michigan legislature where he brought a witness he had failed to vet beforehand? Remember how his unvetted witness made wild claims about voter fraud she never witnessed?

Remember all the times Rudy spoke before courts and legislatures despite failing to research what he was talking about?

Remember when Rudy invited what he thought was an underage girl into his private hotel room “for a drink,” but was instead punked by Borat? Great times.

Remember when Rudy called for “trial by combat”? You should remember that because it was at the Trump rally on January 6, 2020, right before Trump’s white nationalist goon squad attacked the United States Capitol in an attempt to overturn a democratically-held election to install Trump as a fascist dictator. Again, good times.

Rudy sucks at using phones. Remember the time he butt-dialed a reporter who got to overhear Rudy ranting about the Bidens being corrupt? Remember when he did it again to the same reporter, laying out a strategy to raise money for his “Investigations,” saying, “The problem is we need some money”?

Remember when Rudy called Senator Tommy Tuberville on January 6 in an attempt to block certification of the election and left a voicemail, except he accidentally called Senator Mike Lee? Remember on the recording when he said about the election certification, “We need you, our Republican friends, to try to just slow it down.”?

Remember that Rudy actually owns a cybersecurity firm but that he once needed an Apple employee to help him unlock his phone.

Remember when Rudy’s two associates, Lev and Igor (you can’t have a good Trump controversy without an Igor) who were helping him conduct “investigations” into Joe and Hunter Biden, were caught funneling Russian money to Republican candidates in the 2018 midterms?

Remember when Rudy had his law license suspended by the state of New York for making “demonstrably false and misleading statements” in courts?

Robert Costello, Rudy’s lawyer, called the subpoena “political theater” and said Giuliani would be covered by executive privilege, should Trump invoke it, as well as attorney-client privilege. But, Donald Trump can’t cite executive privilege because he’s not president (sic) anymore. Also, being an attorney for a criminal doesn’t protect you when you’re also his co-conspirator. Go ask Michael Cohen about that one.

Rudy’s shithead attorney also said, “They’re not going to charge Rudy Giuliani with anything, and they’re also not going to get any information from Rudy Giuliani factually.” Both statements are true. They’re not going to charge Rudy with anything because the January 6 committee can’t charge anyone. They can only refer charges. And, like shithead attorney said, the committee will not get anything “factually” out of Rudy because Rudy will lie his little greasy balls off. All they’re going to get from Rudy Giuliani will be farts and lies and lies and farts.

Remember when Rudy Giuliani was a respectable United States Attorney for the Southern District of New York? Remember when Rudy Giuliani was a respectable mayor of New York City? Remember when Rudy Giuliani had a license to practice law? Remember when Rudy Giuliani was not an international laughingstock?

Music Note: I listened to some Rolling Stones, Stone Temple Pilots, The Verve, and The Verve Pipe (those last two, because they’re right next to each other alphabetically) while drawing today’s cartoon.

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