Borat

Rudy Tooty Colludy Subpoodied


CjonesRBG01222022

The January 6 Committee has issued subpoenas for Jenna Ellis, Boris Epshteyn (you can’t have a good Trump controversy without a Boris), Sidney Powell, and Rudy Giuliani. This should be fun.

Jenna Ellis drafted a memo on how then-President (sic) Trump could invalidate the election results by exploiting an obscure law. Sidney Powell worked on election lawsuits, spread wild conspiracy theories about voting machines, China, George Soros, the Clintons, and Hugo Chavez, all while raising money on the Big Lie. And Boris chased down false allegations of voter fraud in Arizona and Nevada and worked with the Trump administration (sic) to delay the certification of Biden’s election victory. But Rudy….oh, Rudy. Sweet, sweet Rudy.

Rudy Giuliani, who some still call “America’s Mayor,” is an international embarrassment. Being a Trump sycophant is bad enough, but to go from America’s Mayor to a ridiculous lying farty Trump poodle with leaky hair that people are laughing at is something totally original.

Rudy Giuliani was an embarrassment making contradictory claims on CNN and Fox News. He eventually made his lies exclusive to Fox News as CNN anchors kept asking him real questions, like, “Did you just admit to something you had just denied?”. Fun stuff.

Remember when Trump claimed he had no knowledge about hush payments to porn star Stormy Daniels who he had raw-dogged in a Las Vegas hotel room after she spanked him with a rolled-up magazine that had his daughter’s photo on it, and then Rudy went on Hannity and told him the president (sic) paid back Cohen after he had “funneled” the money to Stormy Daniels? Remember Hannity’s face when learning this information after previously using his show to declare how there had never been any hush payments? Remember Hannity’s face when he asked, “funneled”?

Remember when Trump said there was no quid pro quo by withholding military aid from Ukraine until they announced they were investigating Joe Biden, and then a tape came out with Giuliani offering Ukraine officials a quid pro quo and that their president could be invited to the United States and have a meeting with Trump if the investigations were announced? Good times.

After the election, Giuliani brought failed lawsuits and hearings to state legislators to overturn the election. He advised Trump to seize voting machines. He spread lies about Dominion Voting Systems, the company that provided the voting machines, who are now suing Giuliani for billions. Yes, billions with a “B”.

Remember when Giuliani scheduled a press conference at the Four Seasons Hotel in Pennsylvania, but fucked up and scheduled it in the parking lot at Four Seasons Total Landscaping, which was next to a sex shop? Remember how he went ahead and held the press conference anyway?

Remember the press conference where Rudy’s hair started leaking black goo?

Remember the legislative hearing when Rudy was farty?

Remember the hearing before the Michigan legislature where he brought a witness he had failed to vet beforehand? Remember how his unvetted witness made wild claims about voter fraud she never witnessed?

Remember all the times Rudy spoke before courts and legislatures despite failing to research what he was talking about?

Remember when Rudy invited what he thought was an underage girl into his private hotel room “for a drink,” but was instead punked by Borat? Great times.

Remember when Rudy called for “trial by combat”? You should remember that because it was at the Trump rally on January 6, 2020, right before Trump’s white nationalist goon squad attacked the United States Capitol in an attempt to overturn a democratically-held election to install Trump as a fascist dictator. Again, good times.

Rudy sucks at using phones. Remember the time he butt-dialed a reporter who got to overhear Rudy ranting about the Bidens being corrupt? Remember when he did it again to the same reporter, laying out a strategy to raise money for his “Investigations,” saying, “The problem is we need some money”?

Remember when Rudy called Senator Tommy Tuberville on January 6 in an attempt to block certification of the election and left a voicemail, except he accidentally called Senator Mike Lee? Remember on the recording when he said about the election certification, “We need you, our Republican friends, to try to just slow it down.”?

Remember that Rudy actually owns a cybersecurity firm but that he once needed an Apple employee to help him unlock his phone.

Remember when Rudy’s two associates, Lev and Igor (you can’t have a good Trump controversy without an Igor) who were helping him conduct “investigations” into Joe and Hunter Biden, were caught funneling Russian money to Republican candidates in the 2018 midterms?

Remember when Rudy had his law license suspended by the state of New York for making “demonstrably false and misleading statements” in courts?

Robert Costello, Rudy’s lawyer, called the subpoena “political theater” and said Giuliani would be covered by executive privilege, should Trump invoke it, as well as attorney-client privilege. But, Donald Trump can’t cite executive privilege because he’s not president (sic) anymore. Also, being an attorney for a criminal doesn’t protect you when you’re also his co-conspirator. Go ask Michael Cohen about that one.

Rudy’s shithead attorney also said, “They’re not going to charge Rudy Giuliani with anything, and they’re also not going to get any information from Rudy Giuliani factually.” Both statements are true. They’re not going to charge Rudy with anything because the January 6 committee can’t charge anyone. They can only refer charges. And, like shithead attorney said, the committee will not get anything “factually” out of Rudy because Rudy will lie his little greasy balls off. All they’re going to get from Rudy Giuliani will be farts and lies and lies and farts.

Remember when Rudy Giuliani was a respectable United States Attorney for the Southern District of New York? Remember when Rudy Giuliani was a respectable mayor of New York City? Remember when Rudy Giuliani had a license to practice law? Remember when Rudy Giuliani was not an international laughingstock?

Music Note: I listened to some Rolling Stones, Stone Temple Pilots, The Verve, and The Verve Pipe (those last two, because they’re right next to each other alphabetically) while drawing today’s cartoon.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are 19 copies of my book in stock, which go for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402.

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Very Nice


Cjones05232021

Rudy Giuliani is being investigated for lobbying violations. Matt Gaetz is being investigated for sex trafficking and for sex with a minor. Donald Trump is being investigated for everything else.

After having his apartment and office raided by the FBI, Giuliani asked why they didn’t pick up the laptop in his possession he claims belongs to Hunter Biden. It’s hard to believe Rudy was once considered a great attorney when he admits to having stolen property in his possession.

Will Rudy flip on Trump? It depends. He may be too stupid or he may be too arrogant to flip on Trump. Rudy could have so much misplaced faith in his legal knowledge and skills, that he believes the Justice Department can’t outwit him. But if the Justice Department is after you, and you can’t differentiate between a hotel and a landscaping business outside a dildo store, you might want to cut a deal. If you’re too stupid to understand shoe polish doesn’t make good hair dye, make a deal.

One person who has flipped is Matt Gaetz’s partner in sex crimes, Joel Greenberg, who knocked his charges down from 33 to six, with one being sex with a minor. How do you reduce your charges from 33 to six? You plead guilty to six and cut a deal by giving the prosecutors someone bigger. Of course, to give someone bigger, you have to have more than your word…especially if you’re the kind of guy who hangs out with Matt Gaetz. Your evidence better be good. Seeing that Greenberg has cut a deal, his evidence is probably pretty good. And if you’ve ever heard the crap that comes out of Gaetz’s mouth, you’ll find it hard to believe he’s good at covering his tracks.

That’s the fun thing about Republicans. They’re stupid and will turn on each other faster than you can say, “Giggity.”

Will the next flipper be Allen Weisselberg, the Trump Organization’s chief financial officer? He’s being investigated by the New York state attorney general, who’s cooperating with the Manhattan district attorney. They’ve been given financial records by Weisselberg’s former daughter-in-law. They’re looking to see if he paid taxes on gifts given to him by Donald Trump, including cars and private school tuition for at least one of his grandchildren, as well as gifts for his son, Barry Weisselberg, who also works for the Trump Organization.

The investigation into Trump himself started as a civil one, but has now been extended to also be a criminal matter…probably because Trump is a criminal. Weisselberg probably won’t turn on Trump based upon his boss’ history of returning loyalty to those loyal to him (that was sarcasm).

Once upon a time, Michael Cohen said he’d never flip on Trump.

Both offices are looking at crimes with insurance fraud (claiming a property is worth more than it is), tax fraud (claiming that same property is worth less than it really is), and paying hush money to porn stars (claiming they never saw your dinky-dinky-doo which isn’t what you say it is). Now, the Manhattan attorney has Trump’s taxes and other financial documents.

The statute of limitations are about to run out on a lot of these actions Trump is expected of doing, so if there are going to be any charges coming from the state of New York, they’ll come very soon. If tax fraud is discovered, and I think it will be, the Justice Department just might jump in. The Justice Department is probably already looking into Trump fuckery, but they’re behind everyone else because for the past four years, they were headed by a guy who saw himself as Trump’s protector.

Donald Trump has already been busted by New York on civil charges regarding his fake university and his fake charity. As for fraud in describing his property, it’s already been proven Trump lies. He’s lied to lenders about how many condo units he’s sold in a property. He’s even lied about how many floors some of his towers have, ignoring that most people can count. And let me remind you, his finances could lead back to Russia which would open up so much more to investigate.

Donald Trump is corrupt. His entire family is corrupt. Everyone who has ever worked for him is corrupt. The Trump Organization is a crime family. Trump claims this is a witch hunt and a political investigation looking for a crime. They have the crimes. This is the guy who publicly tried to shift a world summit to one of his shitty golf resorts when he was president (sic). I don’t think they’ll have much trouble finding evidence of his corruption.

Here’s another juicy detail to this: Florida officials are talking about what to do if there’s an indictment of Trump from New York. The Palm Beach County state attorney, Dave Aronberg, has admitted they’re having conversations about how the state, and its Trump sycophantic governor, Ron DeSantis, can drag their feet with extradition. Is Ron DeSantis preparing to hide Trump in his cellar in case Colonel Landa swings by?

Aronberg said, “So that’s a conversation we’re having: What is the governor’s power? And the governor’s power to stop an extradition is really nonexistent. He can try to delay it, he can send it to a committee and do research about it, but his role is really ministerial, and ultimately the state of New York can go to court and get an order to extradite the former president.” Can you see DeSantis fighting this and using it politically with Trump’s fucknut Florida base? Can you see Ron DeSantis rebranding himself as Trump’s protector? Only in Florida, right?

If they’re talking about this in Florida, it means they expect it because they know Donald Trump is corrupt. No American president has ever been charged criminally. But then again, no president had ever been impeached twice before Donald Trump waddled into the Oval Office. Donald Trump will be criminally charged for something at some point. He’s just too damn corrupt for it not to happen.

DeSantis can delay the extradition…possibly long enough for Donald Trump to flee the country. It’s too bad his largest private jet is in mothballs on an airport tarmac and the smaller plane he has leaves less room for friends, like Rudy Giuliani and Matt Gaetz…if Trump was loyal enough to take them with him. To make room, Trump might have to choose between Rudy, Gaetz, and a KFC bucket. Sorry, boys.

Where could Trump go to flee U.S. prosecution? There are several nations without extradition treaties with the U.S. A lot of them are in kingdoms that are friendly to Trump, such as the United Arab Emirates Republic, Bahrain, Kuwait, Qatar, and Saudi Arabia. I wouldn’t expect him to end up in Niger, Mongolia, Oman, Yemen, Somalia, Sudan, Togo, or Djibouti (he probably thinks they’re all shitholes). I also wouldn’t expect him to land in Ukraine or China, with all the crap he’s said about them. Of course, he could always go to Russia and become an oligarch. He and Putin can play golf together. He’s already Putin’s ball boy.

I hope Trump is too arrogant to flee the country. Seeing him defeated by President Biden was the first step. Seeing him in prison is the second.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: I have Three copies of my book in stock, which I’m selling for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

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Subsequent Drawing Cartoon


cjones10242020

It’s not usual for me to draw two Rudy Giuliani cartoons in a row. But dammit. After publishing yesterday’s cartoon about Rudy chasing Hunter Biden conspiracy theories and Jeffrey Toobin having his penis out during a Zoom meeting, Rudy had to go make his own penis news.

The sequel to the first Borat movie will be released this Friday on Amazon. Like the first film, actor Sacha Baron Cohen, in his Borat character, spoofs people who don’t know they’re going to be in a movie. It was harder to do that a second time around giving that the public knows who Borat is now, but it looks like he still had a lot of success. One of those spoofed was Rudy Giuliani.

Previously, Rudy put out a statement that Borat had failed to trick him. Yet, for some reason, Rudy Giuliani still ends up in a hotel room with an underage girl with his own hand down his pants fondling himself. Maybe he thought she was his cousin.

We had two penis controversies by the middle of the week. Seriously, it’ll be an accomplishment if we can get through Friday without seeing some old politician’s penis.

The fictional character Borat is from Kazakhstan. In case you’re a Republican, that’s a country. Maybe Rudy, who’s been investigating the Biden’s “corruption” in Ukraine (which is a former Soviet state) can now say he was attacked by Kazakhstan who is trying to help Joe Biden and hurt Donald Trump.

While I was trying to think about what sort of cartoon I could draw about Rudy’s penis, seriously, John Ratcliffe, who is the unqualified Director of National Intelligence and a Trump goon, along with the Director of the FBI, Christopher Wray, staged a press conference about election meddling.

While Russian meddling was mentioned, Ratface specifically cited Iran and their attempts to “harm Donald Trump.”

Voters in four states received emails with physical threats unless they voted for Donald Trump. The emails claimed they were from the Proud Boys, the racist group Donald Trump gave a shout-out to during the first debate.

Ratcliffe said the emails were NOT from the Proud Boys but from Iran, trying to hurt Donald Trump.

Basically, the theory is: Iran wants to hurt Donald Trump, so they sent emails to voters threating to hurt them if they don’t vote for Donald Trump and the idea is there will be a backlash and this will hurt Donald Trump and help Joe Biden. Confused?

Ratcliffe also claimed the Iranians “hacked” and stole voter information like addresses and emails, which is already public information. Still confused?

The emails to voters said, “You will vote for Trump on Election Day or we will come after you.” The real Proud Boys will be doing that on election day at the polls, not after.

The thing is though, we can’t trust Ratcliffe. He’s a stooge and a goon for Donald Trump. He’s not a career professional in intelligence and has even refused to conduct the usual intelligence briefings with Congress in fear information can hurt Donald Trump.

The other thing is: Last night’s press conference was hastily planned. Do you remember the last time the FBI held a press conference days before an election? That was in 2016 when they announced they were investigating Hilary Clinton again…then announced they couldn’t find anything. That too was initiated by a Weiner…Anthony Weiner.

The FBI needs to stop calling press conferences until AFTER the election. Did they learn nothing from James Comey? And since John Ratcliffe can’t share information with Congress, he needs to crawl into a hole between now and election day and STOP trying to do his own meddling.

Russia is the major player in election meddling. Trump goon William Barr, the Attorney General, refuses to acknowledge that. Yesterday, Trump goon Ratcliffe only wanted to talk about Iran. Rudy only wants to talk about Ukraine.

I just know this: If you run into any of these guys, make sure you have hand sanitizer.

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New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

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