Learn To Cry


People Magazine has made Paul Rudd the “Sexiest Man Alive.” Now, I don’t know who the authority of sexiness is over there at the People Magazine, or why being the sexiest living person can only last a year, but Paul Rudd is a pretty cool dude. I can accept he’s sexy. Yes, I still like girls.

Think about it. This dude is so sexy, he got to marry Phoebe Buffay in Friends, who was always anti-marriage until she met Paul Rudd. Paul Rudd is cool and understanding. He didn’t even have a hangup over Phoebe giving birth to her little brother’s three babies. It’s sexy to be an Avenger. It’s sexy to be friends on a first-name basis with Captain America, or “Cap,” to his friends like Antman. It’s sexy to help your friend lose his virginity at the age of 40 (not Captain America). It’s sexy to be in a Rush cover band with Jason Segal. It’s sexy to be a Ghostbuster, which is enough to make a nerd like Egon Spengler sexy, so just imagine what that does for someone who’s already cool and sexy like Paul Rudd. The only thing that’s probably keeping Paul Rudd from spontaneous combustion of sexiness is the Sex Panther incident, which one witness described as, “It smells like Bigfoot’s dick.”

Do you know what’s NOT sexy? Stomping around with an assault rifle when you’re too young to own it in some town you don’t live in under the pretense of protecting car lots and offering medical assistance. Like Kyle Rittenhouse, I am not a doctor but I’m pretty sure you’re not providing medical assistance by shooting people.

Hell, this kid with the Hitler Youth haircut wasn’t just breaking the law by skulking the streets of Kenosha playing soldier with a real assault rifle, he was out after curfew.

Kyle is pretending to be a civil servant and bodacious humanitarian, like when he described loaning his bulletproof vest to a friend.
I’m just spitballing here, but if the environment may require the wearing of a bulletproof vest, maybe a 17-year-old shouldn’t be in that environment.

Even if Kenosha store owners gave a shout-out for strangers with assault rifles to protect their yogurt shops, or whatever the fuck it is they sell, I’m fairly certain nobody put out an ad for 17-year-old out-of-state gun humpers to do this.
Another fun fact: Kenosha has a police department which means they probably don’t need law-enforcement help from some underage out-of-state wingnut with an assault rifle who lies about his age and being an EMT.

Kyle is a lifeguard, but if he’s the only one around while I get a cramp in the deep end, just let me work it out myself.

Also, if you need to shoot someone five times with an AR-15 to defend yourself, then you’re probably not qualified to “protect” anyone with an assault rifle. Rittenhouse lied to everyone that night he shot three people. He told other “defenders” of Kenosha’s businesses that he was a legal adult and was certified as an EMT, which he’s NOT because you can only get that after you’re 18. According to one witness, Rittenhouse mocked protesters when they shouted at his group of vigilantes. He was looking for a fight.
Protesters shouting at Vigilate Kyle, I can see that, but you never saw vigilante Batman getting shouted at by The Penguin.

Here’s what’s going to happen: With the judge’s babysitting assistance, his cell phone’s ring tone being the Trump rally theme song, his screaming at the shitty prosecution and not letting stuff like photos of underage Kyle drinking in bars with Proud Boys while wearing a white nationalist slogan on his T-shirt, and Kyle’s blubbering while looking out the corner of his eye to see if the jury is paying attention, he’s probably going to get off. Despite killing two people and shooting another’s bicep off because he’s horny for guns, Kyle Rittenhouse will probably walk.

I believe Kyle wouldn’t have ever hurt anyone that night if someone had just taken the kid out to get laid. It’s amazing what effect such an event can have on someone who never imagined they’d get the opportunity of touching a real live female and only experience the pleasures of the underwear page in a JC Penny catalog.

If Rittenhouse gets off (from the trial, not the underwear catalog, you pervert), that is where his brain will stop developing. He will never be enlightened and spend the rest of his life as a “victim.” He will forever believe white privilege does not exist after he escapes charges of killing two people and injuring one other.

Kyle Rittenhouse will become a hero to gun nuts, Republicans, white nationalists, and Nazis. I’m sorry, are each of those the same thing?

Kyle Rittenhouse will become a celebrity, like the assault rifles and mustard enthusiasts who were pointing guns at black people who had the nerve, the nerve I tell you, to walk on the sidewalk in front of their house in a St. Louis gated community.

Kyle will make the rounds of gun shows and Trump hate rallies. He will be paid for appearances. And when all that interest dies off, just like George Zimmerman before him, he’ll try to make a living by auctioning racist and killer trinkets. He’ll be paid to speak to certain “exclusive” clubs about that night he killed two people, injured one, all while “defending” himself. Like Byron De La Beckwith before him, he’ll do the racist-murderer tough.

Later, he may even move to Florida and run for Congress, probably in Matt Gaetz’s distract as he may be in prison when Kyle is old enough to serve in Congress, or sooner if he keeps lying about his age. Gaetz may not mind Kyle taking his seat because he likes 17-year-olds.

Kyle will never earn a college degree from Arizona Yee-Haw University, or wherever it is in that state he claims he’s taking an online course. What’s the deal? Can’t Kyle shoot protesters and attend college in his home state?
Kyle will never be EMT certified.

Kyle will be, if he isn’t already, a Proud Boy because he is still just a boy. Any traces left of humanity in Kyle will be gone by the time he’s 19.

Kyle will also keep collecting guns because, at this point, his penis has stopped growing.

Kyle will never reflect and wonder if he did something wrong. He’ll never look back and consider that maybe he could have done something to avoid killing two people and injuring another with an assault rifle. Kyle Rittenhouse will never consider, “Maybe I should have stayed home with the JC Penny catalog.” He will never consider any of this because, for the rest of his life, he’s only going to listen to the lunatics and maniacs who keep telling him he’s a hero, a victim, and collecting murder weapons isn’t overcompensating for anything.

These are the same racist right-wing assholes who set up a GoFundMe to pay for his legal defense.

Kyle will never cry for the people he killed, the person he hurt, or the ones they left behind. As we saw yesterday, Kyle only cries for himself.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are 19 copies of my book in stock, which go for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402.

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  1. …and he’ll probably run for President, if we still have such an office by the time he’s of age. Little racist prick. Hey, we received your signed print this week and love it! It will take a place of honor on Marvin’s office wall near his Mr. Natural print. Thanks so much!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Clay, the former president demands a recount. He said Rudd stole the election from him and he, The Donald, is the true sexiest man alive. As we speak, The Donald is suing to stop People from publicizing that Rudd is the sexiest. Everyone knows that The Donald is the sexiest. In the history of sex, he knows more about being sexy than anyone. Keith

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Sean Connery was sexy, even I could see that. Paul Rudd has nothing on Sean.
    Butthead Rittenhouse is nothing but a stain on the diaper of humanity. The little mama’s boy should still be in diapers himself, in prison, where it can get removed reaaallll easy.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. The judge is so biased in that case that I feel bad for the families of the victims who won’t see justice (oh, the judge won’t let us use the word ‘victim’ for the dead).

    Liked by 3 people

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