Big Bird

Learn To Cry


Cjones11132021

People Magazine has made Paul Rudd the “Sexiest Man Alive.” Now, I don’t know who the authority of sexiness is over there at the People Magazine, or why being the sexiest living person can only last a year, but Paul Rudd is a pretty cool dude. I can accept he’s sexy. Yes, I still like girls.

Think about it. This dude is so sexy, he got to marry Phoebe Buffay in Friends, who was always anti-marriage until she met Paul Rudd. Paul Rudd is cool and understanding. He didn’t even have a hangup over Phoebe giving birth to her little brother’s three babies. It’s sexy to be an Avenger. It’s sexy to be friends on a first-name basis with Captain America, or “Cap,” to his friends like Antman. It’s sexy to help your friend lose his virginity at the age of 40 (not Captain America). It’s sexy to be in a Rush cover band with Jason Segal. It’s sexy to be a Ghostbuster, which is enough to make a nerd like Egon Spengler sexy, so just imagine what that does for someone who’s already cool and sexy like Paul Rudd. The only thing that’s probably keeping Paul Rudd from spontaneous combustion of sexiness is the Sex Panther incident, which one witness described as, “It smells like Bigfoot’s dick.”

Do you know what’s NOT sexy? Stomping around with an assault rifle when you’re too young to own it in some town you don’t live in under the pretense of protecting car lots and offering medical assistance. Like Kyle Rittenhouse, I am not a doctor but I’m pretty sure you’re not providing medical assistance by shooting people.

Hell, this kid with the Hitler Youth haircut wasn’t just breaking the law by skulking the streets of Kenosha playing soldier with a real assault rifle, he was out after curfew.

Kyle is pretending to be a civil servant and bodacious humanitarian, like when he described loaning his bulletproof vest to a friend.
I’m just spitballing here, but if the environment may require the wearing of a bulletproof vest, maybe a 17-year-old shouldn’t be in that environment.

Even if Kenosha store owners gave a shout-out for strangers with assault rifles to protect their yogurt shops, or whatever the fuck it is they sell, I’m fairly certain nobody put out an ad for 17-year-old out-of-state gun humpers to do this.
Another fun fact: Kenosha has a police department which means they probably don’t need law-enforcement help from some underage out-of-state wingnut with an assault rifle who lies about his age and being an EMT.

Kyle is a lifeguard, but if he’s the only one around while I get a cramp in the deep end, just let me work it out myself.

Also, if you need to shoot someone five times with an AR-15 to defend yourself, then you’re probably not qualified to “protect” anyone with an assault rifle. Rittenhouse lied to everyone that night he shot three people. He told other “defenders” of Kenosha’s businesses that he was a legal adult and was certified as an EMT, which he’s NOT because you can only get that after you’re 18. According to one witness, Rittenhouse mocked protesters when they shouted at his group of vigilantes. He was looking for a fight.
Protesters shouting at Vigilate Kyle, I can see that, but you never saw vigilante Batman getting shouted at by The Penguin.

Here’s what’s going to happen: With the judge’s babysitting assistance, his cell phone’s ring tone being the Trump rally theme song, his screaming at the shitty prosecution and not letting stuff like photos of underage Kyle drinking in bars with Proud Boys while wearing a white nationalist slogan on his T-shirt, and Kyle’s blubbering while looking out the corner of his eye to see if the jury is paying attention, he’s probably going to get off. Despite killing two people and shooting another’s bicep off because he’s horny for guns, Kyle Rittenhouse will probably walk.

I believe Kyle wouldn’t have ever hurt anyone that night if someone had just taken the kid out to get laid. It’s amazing what effect such an event can have on someone who never imagined they’d get the opportunity of touching a real live female and only experience the pleasures of the underwear page in a JC Penny catalog.

If Rittenhouse gets off (from the trial, not the underwear catalog, you pervert), that is where his brain will stop developing. He will never be enlightened and spend the rest of his life as a “victim.” He will forever believe white privilege does not exist after he escapes charges of killing two people and injuring one other.

Kyle Rittenhouse will become a hero to gun nuts, Republicans, white nationalists, and Nazis. I’m sorry, are each of those the same thing?

Kyle Rittenhouse will become a celebrity, like the assault rifles and mustard enthusiasts who were pointing guns at black people who had the nerve, the nerve I tell you, to walk on the sidewalk in front of their house in a St. Louis gated community.

Kyle will make the rounds of gun shows and Trump hate rallies. He will be paid for appearances. And when all that interest dies off, just like George Zimmerman before him, he’ll try to make a living by auctioning racist and killer trinkets. He’ll be paid to speak to certain “exclusive” clubs about that night he killed two people, injured one, all while “defending” himself. Like Byron De La Beckwith before him, he’ll do the racist-murderer tough.

Later, he may even move to Florida and run for Congress, probably in Matt Gaetz’s distract as he may be in prison when Kyle is old enough to serve in Congress, or sooner if he keeps lying about his age. Gaetz may not mind Kyle taking his seat because he likes 17-year-olds.

Kyle will never earn a college degree from Arizona Yee-Haw University, or wherever it is in that state he claims he’s taking an online course. What’s the deal? Can’t Kyle shoot protesters and attend college in his home state?
Kyle will never be EMT certified.

Kyle will be, if he isn’t already, a Proud Boy because he is still just a boy. Any traces left of humanity in Kyle will be gone by the time he’s 19.

Kyle will also keep collecting guns because, at this point, his penis has stopped growing.

Kyle will never reflect and wonder if he did something wrong. He’ll never look back and consider that maybe he could have done something to avoid killing two people and injuring another with an assault rifle. Kyle Rittenhouse will never consider, “Maybe I should have stayed home with the JC Penny catalog.” He will never consider any of this because, for the rest of his life, he’s only going to listen to the lunatics and maniacs who keep telling him he’s a hero, a victim, and collecting murder weapons isn’t overcompensating for anything.

These are the same racist right-wing assholes who set up a GoFundMe to pay for his legal defense.

Kyle will never cry for the people he killed, the person he hurt, or the ones they left behind. As we saw yesterday, Kyle only cries for himself.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are 19 copies of my book in stock, which go for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402.

Watch me draw:

Big Bird Attacked By Big Turd


Cjones11102021

Senator and above-ground CHUD Ted Cruz has now attacked Big Bird for assuring children they don’t have to be afraid of the vaccines for the coronavirus.

After American six-year-olds, became eligible for the Pfizer-BioNTech coronavirus vaccine last week, Big Bird did a public service announcement to comfort children and to promote vaccine awareness. Big Bird got his vaccination and tweeted, “My wing is feeling a little sore, but it’ll give my body an extra protective boost that keeps me and others healthy.”

President Biden replied to Big Bird and tweeted, “Good on ya’, Big Bird. Getting vaccinated is the best way to keep your whole neighborhood safe.”

This is just a lot of fun while being also educational about the vaccine. This PSA can actually save lives and help us defeat the pandemic. Enter Ted Cruz.

Ted Cruz is worse than Philadelphia Eagles fans who once booed Santa Claus. Ted Cruz went after Big Bird. Ted tweeted, “Government propaganda … for your 5-year-old!” No, you idiot. It’s for six-year-olds. Maybe we need to do another PSA just for Republican senators. Didn’t a Republican win an election last week by claiming he’s the “education candidate?”

Ted later sent out another Big Bird-hater tweet with a video of him kicking a door in. Nice. I thought Ted Cruz approved of the Gestapo.

A couple weeks ago, Ted Cruz defended people giving the Heil salute. You know who gives that salute. Nazis. Ted Cruz defends Nazis and attacks Big Bird. But what else would you expect from a guy who worships a cult figure who called his wife, Heidi, “ugly.”

Because Republicans are in a race to prove who can be the vilest, Lisa Boothe, a Fox News contributor I have never heard of before, tweeted, “Brainwashing children who are not at risk from covid” was “twisted.” I don’t know why she used three quotation marks. I quote them without editing their fuckups. Maybe we need a PSA for Fox News contributors.

Arizona state Senator Wendy Rogers, a pro-Trump Republican, tweeted, “Big Bird is a communist.” That’s funny from someone who defends white nationalists.

Tennessee Republican congressional candidate Robby Starbuck suggested that Big Bird could die from the vaccine. “*7 days later* Big blood clot Bird is served!” It’s fun to go after a beloved character from a children’s program and spread disinformation. It’s fun to tell children, “Big Bird’s going to die!!!!” Starbucks should sue to force him to change his name. Nazi-lovers sharing your name is not good for business. Nobody except Republicans would buy from Nazi Starbucks.

This is not the first time the government has used public figures, real and imaginary, to advocate for vaccines. In the past, vaccinations were advocated in PSAs by Elvis, Muhammad Ali, C3PO, RD-D2, and even Big Bird back in the 70s. I’m not aware of conservatives being upset back then, though they did like attacking Muhammad Ali, you know, because he’s black and they couldn’t ever find a white guy who could beat him up. Personally, I’d like to see Ted Cruz go ten rounds with Big Bird. My money’s on the bird.

This isn’t the first time Republicans have called for the head of Big Bird. In 2012, while saying he loved Big Bird during a presidential debate with President Obama, Mitt Romney promised to kill Big Bird. During the Trump administration, the orange one tried to kill the yellow one every year he was in office. Again, the education candidates want to kill education. Trump’s Education Secretary, whose ideas for public education are being copied by Virginia’s new governor-elect, was worried about children being attacked in public schools by bears and Big Bird. I mean, Ted Cruz has already told us Big Bird can kick down doors. Elmo’s probably an evil samurai. The Count probably counted illegal votes for Biden. And a one, ah ah ah. And Oscar the Grouch? He’s grouchy and lives in garbage, so they probably love him.

So many people voted for Glenn Youngkin last week over frustration that schools were closed and their kids had to be taught at home. Yet, Republicans are attacking vaccinating kids, which will help keep schools open. Do we need another PSA?

I think there should be a public service announcement with Santa Claus, that way we can Ted Cruz starting a fight with Santa.

There should also be public service announcements stating:
Don’t watch Fox News.
Trump lost.
Republicans are liars.
There are no public schools in this nation teaching Critical Race Theory.
Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer.

Why are Republicans constantly trying to make this nation a worse place? I really do wish Big Bird would kick Ted Cruz’s ass.

Someone on Twitter posing as Big Bird did send a tweet to Ted saying, “Ted Cruz can’t tell you how to get to Sesame Street, but he can tell you how to get to Cancun.”

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are 19 copies of my book in stock, which go for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402.

Watch me draw:

Shooting The Bird


cjones03192017

While the Trump boys, Eric and Donald Jr., display their manly courage by having a tour guide take them by their hands to shoot fenced-in big game animals, Daddy Trump prefers bigger game.

Trump unveiled his proposed budget and it contains $54 billion in cuts all across the federal government to make up for increases mostly in defense spending. There’s also increases in Homeland Protection and Veteran Affairs.

What does he plan to cut? The State department (28%) and Environment Protection Agency (31%) will see huge cuts. There will be further cuts in HUD (13%), Transportation (12%), Health & Human Services (16%), Education (13%), Labor (20%), Agriculture (20%), Army Corps of Engineers (16%), Institute of Health (20%), Commerce (15%), and Interior (11%).

It also eliminates further programs in Waste & Water, Education, Science, NASA, FEMA, Affordable Housing, and payments to the United Nations’ climate change programs. Amtrak will also suffer. There will be decreased support to the World Bank and it cuts funding to the Clean Power Plan entirely.

It also eliminates ALL federal funding for Meals on Wheels (it does have other funding that’s not from the government), PBS, African Development, Appalachian Commission, before-and after-school programs, Great Lakes Restoration Initiative, Chesapeake Bay funding (hope you don’t like oysters or it shucks for you), Institute of Museum and Library Services, National Endowment for the Arts, National Endowment for the Humanities, NASA’s Office of Education, and a hell of a lot of other programs. How long do you want this blog?

Basically the United States will get dumber, poor kids will get hungrier, and the Earth will get dirtier. But hey, our depleted military will finally be rebuilt.

Wait. What? Depleted military? I’m getting tired of hearing Trump and other Republicans bemoan our “depleted” military. Our military is the largest on the planet. In 2014 our nation spent $610 billion on defense. That’s 34% of what the rest of the world spends on their military. That’s nearly three times higher than China, the second-highest nation with an estimated $216 billion in defense spending.

The United States has 19 aircraft carriers (though the military says only 12 count as carriers). The rest of the world combined has nine and most of those aren’t close to American quality. Do you think Thailand’s one aircraft carrier scares the U.S. Navy?

There’s a lot of stuff that can be cut in the federal budget. Most of those departments targeted by Trump could probably do with some cuts. But to wipe out education, science, diplomacy (cuts to security for embassies and consulates, you know…kind of like the one that was in Benghazi), and even funding to the NYPD which is facing brutal costs protecting Melania while she stays in Trump Tower, is just ridiculous. It’s especially absurd to choose walls over books, food, clean air, science, stuff like that.

A lot of this spending will go toward Trump’s stupid border wall that will be soundly defeated by immigrants with shovels and ladders.

Trump and Republicans will focus on making America dumb again (dumber which will probably be more beneficial to their reelections than gerrymandering) and more polluted, but we’ll have the biggest guns in the world. Our military will also continue to have $38 screws, $7,600 coffee pots, $640 toilet seats, etc. Take that, Thailand!

Creative note: You have to extend me some creative license here. I know Big Bird and the rest of his Sesame Street cohorts are on HBO now and are no longer with PBS. But their image still represents educational programming as they were on public broadcasting for over 45 years.

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