Fun With Interpretations


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In addition to struggling with having no senses of humor, being oblivious to their own hypocrisy, failing wildly at using equivalences, and not having any understanding of irony, Republicans suck at comprehension. Sure, sometimes they do understand what was said or what they’re reading and they choose to conceal, bury, or lie about it, but that’s heaped on top of their inadequacy with the smarts.

Republicans love to identify themselves as “constitutionalists,” which is a joke because like with most things they claim, they’re the exact opposite. It’s like when they claim they’re more patriotic than anyone else while supporting an insurrection because they lost an election. That insurrection brings us back to the Constitution because these constitutionalists were trying to stop Congress from certifying the election…a process instructed by…wait for it…the United States Constitution.

Lately, Trump supporters are screaming about the 25th Amendment, probably because someone at Fox News pointed it out and explained it poorly. The 25th is something they harumphed out of the room when when Tiny was talking about injecting disinfectant and incoherently rambling “woman, man, person, camera, TV.” But there’s only one constitutional amendment Republicans usually talk about and that’s the Second Amendment.

The hilarious thing about Republicans and the Second Amendment is that it’s their entire creed. It’s what they cling to and have wrapped their entire gun-humping existence onto. Yet, even though the horny-for-guns crowd has used the Second to justify their entire lifestyle of walking into Dunkins’ strapped for bear and Black-Lives-Matter protesters, they leave out, not just a portion of the Second, but half the flipping sentence they base everything on.

The Second Amendment states, “A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.” But when a Republican gun-humper quotes it, he only reads, ” the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.” They leave out the first half of the sentence. Do you know why? Because the Second Amendment is LESS about guns and more about “well-regulated militias.” Sure, militias are armed but that doesn’t mean you get to stockpile AKs by the dozen in your shower.

Somehow, “well-regulated militia” got tossed and the interpretation has been warped to mean every maniac in the nation has a right to own every sort of gun that has ever been invented. Any regulation of this, such as background checks, waiting periods, limits on ammunition sales, preventing sales to minors, stopping minors from transporting automatic rifles across state lines to shoot black people, preventing sales to Jihadists at gun shows, preventing sales to anti-Semites, Islamophobes, and Trump supporters with internet manifestos, or preventing insane people in general from owning guns is considered by Republicans as “infringement.” And goddammit, the Constitution says their right to dry-hump an Uzi “shall not be infringed.”

Leaving out half of the first sentence in the Second Amendment would be like religious fucks only counting a few of the Commandments Moses brought down from the mountain. Oh, wait. They’re been doing that for the past five years for Donald Trump.

Number one: “I am the Lord thy God, thou shalt not have any gods before Me.” Oops. If you’re a Trump supporter, you are literally in a cult for Mr. Two Corinthians. If you’re a fundamentalist Trump supporter, in the style of the way gun-rubbers do with the Second Amendment, you’d only quote, “I am the Lord thy God.” That’s it. Nothing about not having “any gods before me.”

Number two: “Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.” You fucked that one up too. GropenFuhrer has been known to take the Lord’s name in vain. At a rally, in public, while talking about Islamists, he said, “They’ll be hit so goddamn hard.” At that very same rally, he said, “If you don’t support me, you’re going to be so goddamn poor.” If you’re a fundamentalists Trump supporter, you’re such a goddamn hypocrite.

Number three: “Remember to keep holy the Sabbath day.” Did you ever see Trump in church, where he said is where you go to, “drink your little wine and eat your little cracker?” For Trump, church was to only be used for photo-ops. Only crackers support Trump.

Number four: “Honor thy father and mother.” I’ll give you this one. Trump seemed very fond of his racist crooked father. I probably would be too if I was given a $200,000 monthly allowance from the age of two and had my casinos bailed out by my dad. But you know what? I’m taking it back. Because Trump’s attacks on women does not honor his mother.

Number five: “Thou shalt not kill.” People died because of Donald Trump. Donald Trump incited mass shootings, terrorists attacks, and could have even saved lives if he had put combating the coronavirus pandemic before his own insecurities. Donald Trump politicized a pandemic that has now killed over 637,000 U.S. citizens. And you wanna impeach Biden over 13 American deaths? Thou shalt get the fuck out of here.

Number six: “Thou shalt not commit adultery.” I will laugh all you family-value fuckers out of the room.

Number seven: “Thou shalt not steal.” Grifty McGrifts-a-Lots is still stealing from the United States government which means he’s stealing from you. As a former president (sic), he can’t steal as much so he has to focus on grifting from his supporters. But then again, they’re the only people stupid enough to pay $15.00 for ten straws. I’m not making that up. I just visited his page to confirm that and now I have to take a shower. I would post a link to prove it, but Thou shalt not post any MAGAt links on my goddamn page.

Number eight: “Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.” That means lying. The orange shitweasel lied so much that news outlets created trackers, which they also did for his golf outings. The Washington Post counted 30,573 lies. That’s a lot of false witness bearing.

Number nine: “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife.” He was on that Access Hollywood tape literally coveting his neighbor’s wife. In his own words, “I moved on her like a bitch.” Thou shalt not move on her like a bitch.

Number ten: “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s goods.” This doesn’t just cover theft. It also covers greed. Donald Trump is a very selfish person who didn’t just steal from everyone he’s ever encountered, cheated on his taxes, and grifted from inside the White House. He also publicly wished for what others have. He’s on record wishing he was as rich as real billionaires. He spent his entire tenure pining for the respect, wisdom, and good looks of President Barack Obama, who moved out of the White House and into Donald Trump’s head where he continues to live rent free.

Republicans hear things how they want to hear them and haven’t been able to interpret anything accurately since Ike was president. So, when an anti-vaxxer MAGAts wants to talk to me about the Constitution, please.

Thou shalt not talk bullshit.

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  1. You want to limit gun purchases. Make the prospective buyer prove they are a member of a well-regulated militia, including the names, addresses, and emails of everyone in the militia group and their leaders and sponsors. And if he misses even one militia member, don’t sell him or her the gun they want to purchase.
    Only seems right to me.


    1. Chris Rock said something along the lines of: Sell them all the guns they want, but charge them like $500 per bullet. Or something like that.


  2. Reblogged this on It Is What It Is and commented:
    Repuglicans are the scum of the earth! … “In addition to struggling with having no senses of humor, being oblivious to their own hypocrisy, failing wildly at using equivalences, and not having any understanding of irony, Republicans suck at comprehension.”


  3. Rather mortified that on a weekly or so basis, I (telling this story for a friend) might wet my pants, spew my drink, and/or laugh so hard that I (my friend) re-rupture my hernia. Or all 3.
    No really, this is my friend’s story.


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