Last Tuesday, President Biden called on local communities to become more involved as his goal of 70 percent of the nation being vaccinated by July 4th was missed by three percentage points. President Biden said, “We need to go to community by community, neighborhood by neighborhood and oftentimes door to door — literally knocking on doors — to get help to the remaining people protected from the virus.”
White House spokesperson clarified that they’re asking for volunteers on the local level and they’re NOT sending federal employees out to knock on your door. Naturally, this is the brand new outrage, crisis, and freak-out for MAGAt America and it was all the rage at last weekend’s CPAC convention in Dallas and Jacksonville Walmarts.
The convention in Dallas was the SECOND annual CPAC convention to be held this year. In case you’re a Republican, and I really fucking mean it this time, “ANNUAL,” you stupid dipshits, means ONCE A YEAR. It means “one” NOT two…or three, or seventeen, you knuckle-dragging troglodyte morons. Seriously, how many more annual CPAC conventions do you plan to conduct this year? Is there one planned for a Jacksonville Walmart parking lot?
Anyway, Republicans are really upset over this door-to-door thing. These are the same people who politicized wearing face masks, declared the shutdown and mask wearing to be attacks on their liberties, tried to “liberate” Michigan and kidnap that state’s governor, and has been on an unholy campaign of anti-vaxxing and attacking Dr. Anthony Fauci for trying to save this nation from a pandemic.
If you listen to these goons, you’d think the vaccine awareness people were going door-to-door with harpoons dipped in Pfizer.
South Carolina governor, Henry McMaster, sent a letter (probably in crayon) to the state’s Board of Health and Environmental Control on Friday requesting that it “issue direction to agency leadership and to state and local healthcare organizations prohibiting the use of the Biden Administration’s ‘targeted’ ‘door to door’ tactics in the State’s ongoing vaccination efforts.” He wrote that “enticing, coercing, intimidating, mandating, or pressuring” citizens to get vaccinated would undermine trust in the government.
What about peer pressure? Is Joe Biden sending Fonzies out to let America know all the cool kids are being vaccinated and if you’re not one of them, then you’re a nerd? Maybe, up your nose with a rubber hose…full of Johnson & Johnson.
In Missouri, a state with the highest increase in covid cases, and like South Carolina, one of the lowest rates of vaccinations, Governor Mike Parsons warned that a door-to-door campaign isn’t welcome in his state.
It gets better, and by “better,” I mean worse. Oh, so much worse.
The House Fucknut Caucus, I mean…Freedom Caucus Chair Andy Biggs said it’s a “blatant abuse of government authority.” Marjorie Taylor Green, who recently apologized for comparing mask mandates to the Holocaust, called vaccine outreach workers, “medical brownshirts.” Never mind the fact the government is NOT keeping a list of unvaccinated Americans. That doesn’t stop Michelle Bachmann from lying about it.
Bachmann said, “There is a database. There will be a database, and everybody will be in that database. And it’s not just vaccine status, it will be your entire medical history. It will be connected to your finances. This is going to get bigger, bigger, bigger, so you stop it now, and you don’t give any information to any government questioner at your door.”
Also, while they get all your medical information and plant a chip inside you, they’re going to document your penis size, put that on a government list, and post it on a billboard outside your house. Fortunately on the billboard, the text will be as tiny as your penis so nobody’s going to be able to read it. The billboard will be less of a giveaway than your gun collection.
Republican and outed liar, Madison Cawthorn said at CPAC that if the government can go door to door to talk about vaccines, then they can also go door to door and seize your guns and bibles. No, they can’t. But Matt Gaetz asked if any of the vaccine awareness door knockers will be high school girls.
During the CPAC shitfest, one speaker gloated about the decreased numbers of vaccinations…and the audience cheered.
I counted nine cartoons by my conservative fucknut colleagues (I really shouldn’t use that word to describe them. You know…”colleagues”) on this door-to-door outrage. They’re trying to give the impression that someone knocking on your door is a violation of your civil liberties. Bachmann even said, “what they’re wanting all of us to do is to check our Bill of Rights, our civil liberties, at the door.” I saw one of these guys post on Facebook that he’s going to answer his door with a gun. One of the cartoonist claimed he’d rather open the door to Jehovah Witnesses than to vaccine advocates…which makes sense as he’s already in a cult.
Here’s the thing, kids: If someone knocks on your door, you can tell them to leave. This is America and you don’t even have to answer. Oh, I almost one crucial detail: It’s probably not going to happen. The truth is, I don’t think anyone’s eager to come to your house and try to educate you. They’d have a better chance of changing your mind through a debate on Facebook…as in, zero chance. Based on this fucknut logic. my civil liberties are violated every time someone calls to talk to me about my car’s warranty. A greater violation than someone knocking on your door to give you information that may save your life is my having the Kars-4-Kids jingle blasted from my TV. How dare that song enter my home…and my brain.
Bachmann also proposes getting “no soliciting” signs for your yard, but I don’t think that’s clear enough. What you need to do is just get rid of your door entirely. No door, no knocking. Ha-ha, that’ll own the libs!
Nobody can come to your door and force you to buy anything, not a vaccine, not a vacuum cleaner, not a bible, not a religion, and not even Girl Scout Cookies. I take that back. You can’t resist Do-Si-Dos. Or, are Tagalongs your jam? Girl Scouts scare me more than Vaccine advocates…but oddly enough, Girl Scouts knocking on his door doesn’t scare Matt Gaetz. Go figure.
Hey, is there a way we can secretly transmit the vaccine to the coronavirus into Girl Scout Cookies? Also, Girl Scouts, please don’t come after me for starting a new conspiracy theory involving your delicious cookies.
Creative note: Yes, I did this subject for CNN, but my clients can’t use my CNN cartoons and I wanted to do this subject for them too.
Second creative note: I got a very late start this morning because…you’re gonna wanna hear this: My iPad has face recognition, but every so often, it wants me to enter my pass code, you know, in case someone has stolen my iPad and my face. This morning, it asked and I had a brain fart and could not remember my code. After a few failed attempts, it locked me out for one minute. After just ONE attempt, it locked me out for five minutes. After those five minutes passed and one more attempt, it locked me out for another five minutes. After those five minutes passed and one more attempt, the motherfucker locked me out for 15. There was a lot of cursing in my apartment this morning. After those 15 minutes passed, I didn’t think and I just typed and it let me in. I have no idea what I typed.
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