Emoji Mayhem


Rex Tillerson should not be Secretary of State, but the man is an adult. A child doesn’t have angry eyebrows like that.

The man has negotiated million and billion dollar deals with dictators as the head of Exxon. He’s bought houses. He went to college. He probably knows how to drive a car. Being that he’s a Trump guy, MAYBE he pays taxes. He’s a father of four so at some point he probably changed a crappy diaper once. Then, those kids get older and you don’t have to change shitty diapers anymore and you even do the happy dance when they graduate to pull-ups. I did.

Then you find yourself at 65 years of age cleaning up shit after a shitty orange baby shits all over the place. He has to ask himself, how did he get back here? Like Danny Glover, he probably thinks he’s too old for this shit. But here he is changing diapers. It’s the same deal for H.R. McMaster, John Kelly, and James Mattis. Those are the only adults in the Trump administration. The rest are children running with scissors.

After Donald Trump had the mouth runs as a response to North Korea threatening the United States, Rex found himself trying to clean it up. Even Mr. Clean doesn’t want anything to do with this mess. That bald cartoon fucker has left town.

Trump said, “North Korea best not make any more threats to the United States. They will be met with fire and fury like the world has never seen.” In response to this dire and scary warning that seems inspired by a direct-to-DVD Steven Seagal movie, North Korea promptly threatened us again, and with greater detail. They’re threatening to bomb Guam. That really has to suck for Guam, because as a U.S. territory they can’t vote for president, so Trump isn’t even their fault. They’re probably reading the news and thinking “aw fuck sticks.”

Tillerson attempted to calm everyone down by bullshitting, er…I mean, assuring us that, “Americans should sleep well at night.” The man is literally trying to tuck us in. Never mind that orange stupid twister outside. I’m sure it’ll miss this trailer park. Sweet dreams. We might as well all eat cake, pizza, and ice cream right before bed tonight. It’s not gonna make a difference tomorrow (for some of you that means “bourbon and cigarettes”).

Tillerson also said, “I think what the President was doing was sending a strong message to North Korea in language that Kim Jong Un would understand, because he doesn’t seem to understand diplomatic language.” The man is trying to explain away the rant of an immature baby while admitting the president’s “language” was not diplomatic. Hey, we haven’t tried imbecilic nonsense with North Korea, so lets’ see if that works.

“Hey, North Korea. I’m rubber, you’re glue. dot. dot. dot. dot. Fire and fury. dot. dot. dot. I’m great. Did you see my win in Michigan? dot. dot. dot. Fire and fury.”

Damn, I miss George Bush.

Trump tweeted, “there will never be a time that we are not the most powerful nation in the world!”. The man is literally talking like Kim Jong Un. I’m surprised it wasn’t delivered in Korean. Sebastian Gorka, a very angry Trump adviser running with scissors, went on Fox News and said, “we were a superpower, we are now a hyperpower.” Mmmmmkay. Isn’t it bad enough we have Trump making dumb statements? He doesn’t need any help.

That was almost as stupid as Stephen Miller’s statement, that Trump is the “most gifted politician of our time, and he’s the best orator to hold that office in generations.” Hide the scissors from that guy. On second thought, let him run.

On that note, Trump also tweeted, “my first order as President was to renovate and modernize our nuclear arsenal. It is now far stronger and more powerful than ever before….” Uh, I’m sure this is some stupid bullshit his sycophants will believe, but anyone with half a brain knows Donald Trump has not done shit to change our nuclear arsenal in the past six months. Not for better, not for worse, no change at all. It’s just a stupid, imbecilic, idiotic comment from the president of the United States. The man has taken credit for the economy, job rate, stock market, and the decrease in border crossings, all leftover from Obama’s watch. So, he probably read a brief, or had it read to him on how many nuclear weapons we have, and believes we acquired it last January.

It’s no wonder seven out of ten Americans can’t believe anything that comes from the president or the White House. Kim Jong Un doesn’t believe him either, which is why he crossed Trump’s red line and issued, not just another threat, a greater threat. A very specific threat.

I’ll be sleeping under my bed.

Creative notes: Much like the Angry Birds movie, I will not be seeing The Emoji Movie. Has Hollywood totally run out of ideas? But, I do hope this idea hasn’t already been used by another cartoonists.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.


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