Cuban Acoustic Attack

This week, the State Department informed us in a mumbly whisper that an “incident” had occurred on an island.

At first, everyone freaked out that Donald Trump had finally shit-talked North Korea to crap a nuke on Guam. But, wrong island. The island the State department was being cagey about is Cuba.

The State department issued a statement that something happened in Cuba that they’re referring to as “incidents” that affected people health-wise and in retaliation, they ordered two Cubans to leave the U.S. Uh, what now? Can you tell us more? They were like, sure. These “incidents,” so yeah, they happened in Cuba and like, they’re bad and, uh, so they hurt people, and we were like, uh-uh, no you didn’t, so we expelled some of their people. Thanks for coming.

The State department has resembled a morgue since the Trump infestation began. They stopped the daily press briefings, Rex Tillerson is napping half the time, and the staff is smaller than the one given to Jared Kushner. But, we finally got some more info.

Apparently, American diplomats were targeted by a covert sonic device that they couldn’t hear, yet gave them severe hearing loss, which was initially referred to as an “acoustic attack?”

That kind of thing exists? There’s a contraption out there that’s silent yet can deafen you as if you were standing next to the speakers at a Metallica concert? That sounds like the sort of shit Ian Fleming would create for some Sebastian Gorka-looking super villain. But, no. It’s real.

And what sort of “acoustic attack?” If we’re talking Nirvana Unplugged, well I’d be like, “thanks, Raul.” I can listen to that album all day.  But, it wasn’t something awesome like the greatest acoustic album of all time. It was bad, like a Jason Mraz CD stuck in your car stereo that you have to eventually jimmy out with a screwdriver and fuck everything up.

Cuba claims they’re innocent, and they’d never conduct these sorts of shady shenanigans on diplomats. All they do is innocently follow our diplomats around 24/7 and try to listen to everything they say. And maybe Cuba is innocent. Word is, a third nation may be the culprit. Now, which nation out there does bad things? Oh yeah. Russia.

If Russia is to blame, we’ll get angry, expel a diplomat, shake our finger, and do it all over the objections of Donald Trump.

Donald Trump will tell Russia, “thank you.” If nothing else, those diplomats won’t have to hear North Korea’s bombs dropping, or any more Trump speeches. Maybe we should all go to Cuba.

Creative note: I really don’t like Nickelback. I asked a friend to give me her opinion on which lyrics to use, and she wasn’t any help as she didn’t listen to Nickelback. I considered asking on social media, but then I’d have a full two days of fuckers dropping Nickelback lyrics on me. So, I went with “how you remind me,” which I think has to be the most obvious tune of theirs and you couldn’t avoid hearing that song in the early 2000s. You’ll be comforted to know that I did have to look up these lyrics. I had an idea how they went, but wasn’t entirely sure.

I’m still not confident these lyrics will be the most recognized, but I am confident Nickelback is the worst band for just about everyone in the world…except the type of people who put ketchup on hot dogs on the Fourth of July. Right, Karen?

Last year, these idiot I didn’t want to know would blast Audioslave outside my window all. day. long. He was the kind of guy I disliked so much that I didn’t even want to take the time to complain to him. I thought it’d be easier to just kill him (I didn’t). Now, Audioslave is a good band, but this fucker only played three of their songs, again and again. And, since he was a poser-loser type, they were radio hit singles. Nothing cool and obscure buried deep on an album or a b-side.

All that really sucked for me because when Chris Cornell died, I still couldn’t listen to Audioslave.

So yeah, we should do that to Cuba. Or Russia.

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