State Department

Isn’t It Moronic?


cjones10072017

“He was a goddamn stupid moron. He hated it when you called him a moron. All morons hate it when you call them a moron.” –Catcher in the Rye

Weekly Standard editor Bill Kristol tweeted that quote yesterday (from a book it took me nearly 50 years to get around to eventually read). It is true. Morons hate being called “morons” (so do Mormons), even when they’re in denial they’re morons. Like dead people don’t know they’re dead, stupid people don’t know they’re stupid.

If Donald Trump was not a moron, he would recognize when he doesn’t know something. As George Will said, Trump “does not know what it is to know.” The man is not curious, and he doesn’t give a shit to learn. Instead, he’ll tell us he has a secret plan to defeat ISIS, and he knows more than the generals. This, from a man who didn’t understand the nuclear triad, that plutonium means nuclear, North Korea and healthcare are both complicated, and Puerto Rico is an island.

Yesterday, NBC News reported that Secretary of State Rex Tillerson referred to the president of the United States of America as a “moron.” Everyone, at some point in their life, has called their boss a moron. Sixty-three million Americans have referred to Donald Trump as a moron. Now it’s sixty-three million and one. Welcome to the club, Rex. Sorry, all the seats are taken as it’s really packed in here.

Donald Trump fell back on his usual complaint about this story calling it “fake news.” That means it’s true. This morning, he tweeted that Congress should be investigating news outlets that make up stories. It’s still disturbing to me that the president wants to shut down the free press, but since Congress hasn’t gone after the president’s favorite publication, The National Enquirer, we’re probably safe.

This is a fine example of what it is “not to know.” It’s over Donald Trump’s head that he’s wailing about “fake news” while promoting conspiracy theories, hanging out with Alex Jones, and telling us that the National Enquirer should have a Pulitzer Prize. Oh yeah, he also watches Fox and has Sean Hannity over for secret dinners.

Another confirmation that Tillerson called Trump a moron is that the secretary gave a statement to the press. Rex Tillerson never makes statements. Andrea Mitchell is nearly hoarse after shouting questions to the guy for the past nine months while he stands there as if his big-ass ears don’t work.

The moron story included a part about Tillerson threatening to resign. Tillerson gave a statement that he has never threatened to resign (though seven sources say he did). When asked about calling Trump a “moron,” Tillerson said, “I’m not going to deal with petty stuff like that.” Why not? Your superior, that guy you called “moron,” totally deals with petty stuff like that. Petty is his modus operandi. This guy makes up nicknames for people.

In fact, “Moron Don” was trending on Twitter yesterday (as “dotard” was last week). Perhaps it bristles Trump even more that “Moron Don” sounds like a nickname he’d throw at someone, contingent that their name was Don.

Rex Tillerson was a poor choice as Secretary of State. The man has zero experience in government work. He, along with Trump, has demoralized the entire State Department. He’s alienated lawmakers, foreign policy veterans, and the news media while watching Trump cut the department’s budget and leave posts unfilled. The plan was to have him as a figurehead while Jared (who doesn’t know how to fill out forms by himself) would take care of foreign policy.

According to aides and Trump associates who have been in the room with them,  Tillerson’s body language, eye rolling and terse expressions are signs of his disagreements with Trump, and Trump is noticing (which is kinda shocking. Trump notice something?). Vice-President Mike Pence was dispatched to instruct Tillerson on how to behave like a sycophant. Personally, I would have told Pence to go eat a booger which would have been followed by a slew of curse words that would have caused trauma to his fragile Christian ears.

According to several people, Tillerson didn’t just call Trump a “moron.” He called him a “fucking moron.” A spokesperson for the State Department said the secretary would never use language like that. Well, Tillerson may not engage in petty stuff or use language like that (he does), but I do. Tillerson might be new at it, but I’m old-school calling Trump a “moron.” Donald Trump is a fucking moron.

In addition to being a “fucking moron,” he’s a dotard, an imbecile, a freaking idiot, a dunce, a cretin, a buffoon, obtuse, an international embarrassment, a bottom-feeding dimwit, halfwit, nitwit, fuckwit, and a knuckle-dragging dumb-ass. If anything, Donald Trump proves that evolution can go in reverse. The man is too stupid to realize how stupid he looks. Seriously. Look at him. Who chooses to go with the Cheeto-with-a-bleached-skunk-on-the-head look?

Get out your scorecards, kids. It’s time to play shit-can bingo. Which member of the Trump administration is next to go? Will it be Jeff Sessions, John Kelly, or Rex Tillerson? I’m going with John Kelly as he looks like the one who hates eating shit the most.

As for Rex, he’s still there after being undercut and undermined by Trump. He’s not as much of a poodle-bitch as Jeff Sessions, but this guy can eat some meatloaf.

What a moron.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

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Cuban Acoustic Attack


cjones08142017

This week, the State Department informed us in a mumbly whisper that an “incident” had occurred on an island.

At first, everyone freaked out that Donald Trump had finally shit-talked North Korea to crap a nuke on Guam. But, wrong island. The island the State department was being cagey about is Cuba.

The State department issued a statement that something happened in Cuba that they’re referring to as “incidents” that affected people health-wise and in retaliation, they ordered two Cubans to leave the U.S. Uh, what now? Can you tell us more? They were like, sure. These “incidents,” so yeah, they happened in Cuba and like, they’re bad and, uh, so they hurt people, and we were like, uh-uh, no you didn’t, so we expelled some of their people. Thanks for coming.

The State department has resembled a morgue since the Trump infestation began. They stopped the daily press briefings, Rex Tillerson is napping half the time, and the staff is smaller than the one given to Jared Kushner. But, we finally got some more info.

Apparently, American diplomats were targeted by a covert sonic device that they couldn’t hear, yet gave them severe hearing loss, which was initially referred to as an “acoustic attack?”

That kind of thing exists? There’s a contraption out there that’s silent yet can deafen you as if you were standing next to the speakers at a Metallica concert? That sounds like the sort of shit Ian Fleming would create for some Sebastian Gorka-looking super villain. But, no. It’s real.

And what sort of “acoustic attack?” If we’re talking Nirvana Unplugged, well I’d be like, “thanks, Raul.” I can listen to that album all day.  But, it wasn’t something awesome like the greatest acoustic album of all time. It was bad, like a Jason Mraz CD stuck in your car stereo that you have to eventually jimmy out with a screwdriver and fuck everything up.

Cuba claims they’re innocent, and they’d never conduct these sorts of shady shenanigans on diplomats. All they do is innocently follow our diplomats around 24/7 and try to listen to everything they say. And maybe Cuba is innocent. Word is, a third nation may be the culprit. Now, which nation out there does bad things? Oh yeah. Russia.

If Russia is to blame, we’ll get angry, expel a diplomat, shake our finger, and do it all over the objections of Donald Trump.

Donald Trump will tell Russia, “thank you.” If nothing else, those diplomats won’t have to hear North Korea’s bombs dropping, or any more Trump speeches. Maybe we should all go to Cuba.

Creative note: I really don’t like Nickelback. I asked a friend to give me her opinion on which lyrics to use, and she wasn’t any help as she didn’t listen to Nickelback. I considered asking on social media, but then I’d have a full two days of fuckers dropping Nickelback lyrics on me. So, I went with “how you remind me,” which I think has to be the most obvious tune of theirs and you couldn’t avoid hearing that song in the early 2000s. You’ll be comforted to know that I did have to look up these lyrics. I had an idea how they went, but wasn’t entirely sure.

I’m still not confident these lyrics will be the most recognized, but I am confident Nickelback is the worst band for just about everyone in the world…except the type of people who put ketchup on hot dogs on the Fourth of July. Right, Karen?

Last year, these idiot I didn’t want to know would blast Audioslave outside my window all. day. long. He was the kind of guy I disliked so much that I didn’t even want to take the time to complain to him. I thought it’d be easier to just kill him (I didn’t). Now, Audioslave is a good band, but this fucker only played three of their songs, again and again. And, since he was a poser-loser type, they were radio hit singles. Nothing cool and obscure buried deep on an album or a b-side.

All that really sucked for me because when Chris Cornell died, I still couldn’t listen to Audioslave.

So yeah, we should do that to Cuba. Or Russia.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

Dancing For Putin


cjones12142016

On the same day Donald Trump tells America that Russia did not hack into the DNC and corrupt our election he goes and nominates an FOP for Secretary of State. FOP? Friend of Putin.

Before the election Trump asked Russia to hack into the Hillary campaign. Then some entity hacks into the Clinton campaign and gives all the juicy tidbits to Wikileaks. Now he finds it unbelievable that Russia would do such a thing.

Trump won’t take his security briefings because he’s “like a smart person,” but he knows more than the CIA. The president-elect and his supporters won’t believe 17 U.S. intelligence agencies when they say Russia meddled in our election but they’ll believe Muslims in New Jersey celebrated 9/11, Clinton has Alzheimer’s, the Pope endorsed Trump, Clinton had an FBI agent murdered, or that she ran a child-sex ring in a Washington pizza joint. They demand proof with an accusation unless it’s some hogwash they want to believe.

Trump’s Secretary of State nominee is Rex Tillerson, who comes from the private sector. In fact, the only company he’s ever worked for in his entire life is Exxon. So why not put a guy in charge of the State department without any government experience to compliment the president who also doesn’t have any government experience?

Tillerson received the Order Of Friendship award by Putin. He’s known the guy for over 20 years. Trump has also made a dinner companion of Putin’s as his National Security Adviser, Michael Flynn.

Putin wants a pro-Russia administration in the White House. His hope is to end sanctions placed by the U.S. on Russia, which also kept Exxon from doing a lot of business in that nation. He wasn’t going to get any relief from a Clinton presidency. Putin knows it’s easier to manipulate stupid people.

Russia has been meddling in Europe for a while now. They’re now targeting Angela Merkel of Germany, who might be the last obstacle standing in Putin’s way in the West.

He has other obstacles in the United States in the form of the United States Senate. Several Republicans are expressing concern over Tillerson, so it’s not just Democrats unhappy with this nomination. Senators Marco Rubio, Lindsey Graham, and the heaviest hitter on foreign policy in the Senate, John McCain, all have questions they want answered.

Former CIA director Michael Morell said Russia attempting to sway our election is the political equivalent of 9/11. Alabama coach Nick Saban once said the same thing when his team lost to the University of Louisiana at Monroe, but I don’t think Mr. Morell is making a hyperbole out of the situation. This is actually dangerous for our nation.

When the electors meet next week to cast their vote for the next president of the United States of America they need to keep in mind that Donald Trump may be the worst disaster to ever strike our nation.

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