Buy Five Copies For Your Mother


cjones06302017

Newsflash! Donald Trump is an extremely insecure narcissist and touts accomplishments he doesn’t actually have. Surprise!

Trump has been on the cover of Time Magazine a lot. He’s proud of this and loves to make the claim during speeches that he’s been on the cover more than anyone else….ever. He’s so proud of it that a copy of the magazine with him on the cover is hanging at one of his golf clubs. Problem is, that copy is fake.

What’s up with that? Why would he put a fake cover on his walls for tourists and snotty golfers to ogle over? Maybe one of his over-eager employees framed it and put it on the wall to kiss the boss’ ass. Perhaps…..except the same cover is hanging on the wall at not just one club, but at least five Trump clubs from Florida to Scotland. That sounds less like the actions of one eager beaver and more like a mandate.

How do we know it’s fake? The borders of the fake version are unlike the genuine magazine. The fake version also contains exclamation points which Time Magazine doesn’t do. Time doesn’t shout. Trump shouts.

Another reason we know this version is a phony: Time Magazine says so. They didn’t publish an edition during the week that are dated on the Trump fakery, which is what they told The Washington Post. Time has asked the Trump organization to remove the forgeries from their walls.

The fake magazine is praising Trump. “Donald Trump: The ‘Apprentice’ is a television smash!” There’s another headline on the same cover which reads: “TRUMP IS HITTING ON ALL FRONTS . . . EVEN TV!” That sounds like a headline someone would write about themselves. Time has put entertainers of noteworthy accomplishments on their cover. Eddie Vedder of Pearl Jam for instance, but what Vedder and Pearl Jam with their debut album was part of a nationwide movement. Trump just ran a crappy TV show with b-list celebrities.

While Trump blasts the media repeatedly over fake news, he loves to boasts of fake accomplishments. Business success, charitable givings, crowd sizes, electoral wins, great hair, etc. His spokes-sycophant, Sarah Huckabee Sanders wouldn’t comment on the matter, and neither has anyone else from the Trump administration. They have too many other lies to cover for.

Why would Trump need to lie about being on the cover for Time? He’s actually been on the cover, though not every headline is complimentary. Why is he trying to impress people with these forgeries at his golf clubs? Isn’t owning a golf club, or seventeen, impressive enough?

And for the record, Trump has not been on the cover of Time more than anyone else. That honor belongs to another dick, Richard Nixon. Nixon has been on the cover of Time 55 times. Maybe if Trump keeps screwing the nation over he’ll catch up to Tricky Dick. I’m sure his impeachment will make a lot of magazine covers. Trump has been named Times’ Man of the Year, just like Hitler.

About the covers in this cartoon:

GQ: I don’t know much about that magazine but I have the impression it’s read by douche bags who don’t know how to dress themselves and go to nightclubs while wearing too much cologne.

Time: I love political magazines. That should be obvious since I’m in the news business and I’m a politics and news geek. Do they still publish Newsweek? I’m gonna look that up later.

People: My mom had a subscription when I was a kid. It’s a magazine about celebrities and it takes their subject seriously. They’re no National Enquirer. But still, it’s a magazine about shit that’s not important, unless your life can’t move forward without knowing the most recent undertakings of Matthew McConaughey-hey-hey-hey (I got that wrong. He says “alright, alright, alright”). Unless I’m declared the Sexiest Man Alive, I don’t really care.

Sports Illustrated: A great read when you’re in the lobby of a doctor’s office or waiting for your car to be repaired. If you’re lucky, the issue available will be up to date for the 2012 NFL season (I predict a long career for rookie RGIII). Even then, finding an outdated copy of SI is a total score among the stacks of Good Housekeeping and Cosmopolitan unless you’re really interested in why wet kisses make men horny.

Cat Fancy: That is the perfect title for a magazine that’s dedicated to a creature as ridiculous and useless as cats. I had to look up “Abyssinian.” Like I’m gonna know that off the top of my head. I don’t understand why anyone thinks cats are like dogs and that they are interesting…or even matter.

High Times: How can you tell that someone is a vegetarian? They will tell you. They don’t shut up about it and neither do people who smoke weed. Smoking weed to them is a hobby and they talk about it nonstop. It’s boring. So boring. If you’re bothered by me saying it’s “boring” then you smoke too much weed.  I’m fine with other people smoking pot and even told a very ill friend recently that he should give it a try. I personally don’t like it. It should be legal, but it’s boring.

I don’t understand how a magazine can publish every month on the subject of smoking weed. I bet Snoop Dog has been on their cover 55 times. Don’t feel too insulted. Cigar Aficionado is a ridiculous publication too.

I do remember looking at a copy of High Times once in a friend’s bathroom. Frances McDormand was on the cover wearing a sleeveless T-shirt while braless. I can’t remember any articles, but I remember that T-shirt.

Rolling Stone: Not in the cartoon but where I took the title for this blog. It’s from the song “Cover Of The Rolling Stone” by Dr. Hook. Great song that’s really funny with the worst/best guitar solo in history. You’d think it was from the Muppets house band. Also, check out their tune “Sharing The Night.” It’s very 70s cheesy and great with the pervyish “sharing the night together, ah yeah, aw right.”

It’s really hard being a one-man syndicate when editors (who receive death threats from Trump supporters) are afraid of cartoons with opinions, while I’m also competing against other syndicates with dozens of cartoonists (who offer lots of right-wing cartoons and the kind without any opinions). So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $50 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

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10 comments

  1. Clay, you might want to be careful with those dog vs. cat comparisons. You wouldn’t want to create another blue/red-, liberal/conservative-, pro-life/baby killer-type division, would you?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Well, was seriously considering giving some $$$ to you via PayPal. However, I read this post and decided that anyone who puts Dow cats as useless does not deserve my $$$!! You’re obviously not had an adoring, intelligent, affectionate cat in your life. Your loss! Though dogs are by far my favorite, cats are wonderful in their own right.
    I think you owe all cat people an apology. I’ll be waiting.

    Like

    1. It’s humor. I’m not going to apologize for every opinion or joke I have. I wouldn’t be so sensitive over it. I’m still waiting for a pissed-off pothead to write me.

      Like

  3. How about a pissed-off vegetarian? If somebody won’t shut up about it, their dominant characteristic is not “vegetarian” but “asshole.” Those overlap, but not as much as you think they do. And I love cats.

    Like

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