Whack-A-Moron

If I had told you earlier that I was going to draw a cartoon about Lauren Boebert and whacking, you would have expected something else, right?

Lauren Boebert, the dumbest member of Congress which is saying a lot because there’s also Marjorie Taylor Greene, Matt Gaetz, Ken Buck, Jim Gym Jordan, Andy Biggs, Scott Perry, Bob Good, Byron Donalds, Clay Higgins, Elise Stefanik, Kevin McCarthy, Chip Roy, Marsha Blackburn, Josh Hawley, Barry Loudermilk, Tom Cotton, Ted Cruz, Cindy Hyde-Smith, Rand Paul, Marco Rubio, Rick Scott, Tommy Tuberville, J.D. Vance, and…I think I got off track. Anyway, Boebert is not running for reelection for her seat in Congress which is the Third District in Colorado.

OK, calm down. Stop jumping up and down while singing Hallelujah. Boebert has decided to abandon the Third District to run for Congress in the Fourth District. Why is she doing this? She is doing this because she has zero interest in serving the people of the Third District and is only interested in serving herself…and maybe the guy sitting next to her in a theater. This is a gambit to remain in Congress because she’s a coward.

In 2020, Beobert barely hung on to her seat, winning the Third by less than 600 votes. The Third is a conservative district but Boebert’s constituents, other than herself, are kinda getting tired of being represented by the most embarrassing member of Congress, which is saying a lot because we also have Marjorie Taylor Greene, Matt Gaetz, Marsha Blackburn…OK, OK…I won’t do that again.

Boebert was nearly defeated by Democrat Adam Frisch in 2022. Frisch is running again and rather than face the challenge and fight for her district, Boebert is running away to represent the district currently held by retiring member Ken Buck.

Boebert has been outraised by Frisch so far, $7.7 million for his campaign compared with her $2.2 million. And for this, she’s blaming Deadpool and Yentl. Appearing on Steve Bannon’s podcast, she said, “We need a strong voice there and we have to shut down the Hollywood elites who are trying to buy my current district. There has been close to $10 million poured into this district to buy the seat, and Colorado Third District is not for sale.” It’s not for sale but she’s abandoning it.

And the Hollywood elites she claims are trying to buy the seat are Ryan Reynolds and Barbra Streisand. Fun fact: Deadpool 2 includes references to Yentl. Papa, can you hear me? Here’s another fun fact: The combined total donated to Frisch’s campaign from Reynolds and Streisand is $1500, which is probably close to the same amount Bobo’s ex-husband was fined for showing his ding-dong to underage girls in a bowling alley. And here’s one more fun fact: Rich Republicans also donate to political campaigns.

The Third District is conservative but the Fourth is even more so. Republicans have a 9.3 advantage in the Third and a 26.6 advantage in the Fourth. Boebert thinks with her name recognition and clout, that voters should just hand her the Fourth, but not so fast. At least eight other Republicans, whom Bobo’s less afraid of than Adam Frisch, are running for the vacant seat in the Fourth. If Bobo wants it, she’s gonna have to fight for it. One Colorado Republican said he’s looking forward to hearing a “robust policy debate” which is laughable. Boebert debate policy? The only thing she can debate is from which side is it better to give a hand job to her date in a theater, from the right or left. I will say in her defense, from the video, it looked like she knew what she was doing.

Another question is whether this is good news for the Democrats or Republicans. The best-case scenario will be if Frisch still wins the Third while a Republican other than Boebert wins the Fourth. But Frisch may now have the disadvantage of running against a more moderate and less embarrassing human being than Boebert in the conservative Third. It’s highly possible Frisch’s opponent won’t be a lunatic known for giving public handjobs during Beetlejuice. And voters in the Fourth might be excited to be represented by a dimwitted 37-year-old grandma high school dropout with an affinity for assault rifle-themed Christmas cards and hand jobs.

I hope I wrote that correctly and didn’t give the impression Boebert was mailing her friends and family handjob Christmas cards. that would not be one to place on the mantle and would truly fuck up my Christmas.

Another thing to point out is that Boebert is now a carpetbagger. Her home in the Third District is 300 miles from the Fourth District. Rino Watch Colorado denounced Boebert’s move as a “surrender to the enemy” and an “egregious example of carpetbagging.” The group that targets “moderate” Republicans posted to its website, “Her self-serving bid to hold on to power guarantees CD3 will now go to a Democrat or a uni-party Republican In Name Only.” Richard Holtorf, one of Boebert’s new primary opponents in the Fourth District said, “She doesn’t even know all the counties in the district. She’s just trying to keep that job in D.C.”

Boebert said the switch could “protect our House majority” by holding onto both Colorado’s Third and Fourth districts,” which is her admitting that she can’t be the Republican to win the Third. I told you she’s stupid.

Ross Kaminsky, a radio talk show host in Colorado who used to be a big fan of Boebert because he likes “cute girls with guns,” isn’t happy with the move and said on his show two days ago, “She did not grow into the job, as far as I can tell. She didn’t seem to take the job too seriously until she got the sense she could lose.” When did she start taking it seriously? It wasn’t during Beetlejuice.

Kaminsky also said, “She knows she can’t win [in CD3], and I’m saying the reason she can’t win is she demonstrated she shouldn’t win. It’s that simple. She demonstrated she shouldn’t win. And if she shouldn’t win the seat that she’s held for several years already, then why the hell should she be given a seat somewhere else? And do you think Lauren Boebert will be a better representative of Highlands Ranch and Douglas County than she was of Grand Junction and Pueblo?”

This is a huge reversal for Kaminsky because, in 2020 when she was a guest on his show, he said, “I gotta just say, Lauren, I love your enthusiasm. I love your commitment to principle. I love that you’re wearing a Gadsen flag on your lapel. And I’m a big fan of girls with guns. So if anybody is driving out through western Colorado, go to Rifle, and go to Shooters Grill, and say hi to Lauren and tip big.”

Republicans in Colorado are more upset over carpetbagging and handjobs than they are about supporting insurrections. Hopefully this year, this moron gets whacked out of Congress.

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